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Original poster

Age gap relationship and babies

76 replies

An42 · 15/05/2022 20:27

So confused at the moment. I’m 42 and DP is 57. We’ve both been married before and each have one child (mine is 11 and his is 14). DP is the love of my life and the last 6 years together have been pretty perfect.

Over the last year though I haven’t been able to stop desperately wanting another baby. DP isn’t overly keen but knows why I would like us to have a baby and is supportive if I really want this.

For those with older DH, how much harder is it being an older dad? Is having a baby at this stage a bad idea? Our children get on so well and we have a lovely family dynamic, is this going to rock the boat?

If anyone else has ever had this burning need to have a baby at this age? Does it go away? Is it just me knowing that it’s my last chance? I don’t think it is. I want to have a baby with the man I love and to give our children a sibling they share. I feel like a baby would strengthen our family but am frightened of what it would mean for DP being a nearly 70 year old primary school dad. Or is this silly?

OP posts:
SommerTen · 15/05/2022 20:34

I'm 45 and sadly unable to have a baby but really feeling broody unfortunately.
If I could I would, as I feel young for my age.

I don't think your partners age matters really.

I've known lots of friends & acquaintances who've had babies at your age.

Gensola · 15/05/2022 20:37

I am 37 and my husband is 57. We have been trying for a baby for several years but have run out of money and options. I don’t have kids, he has 3 adult kids. If you can, I would - it’s going to be my biggest regret.

Overthewine · 15/05/2022 20:47

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Ithinkitsadoughnut · 15/05/2022 20:52

I'd say don't. This is probably a hormone surge. Think of in a few years, you will be menopausal, have two teenagers and a toddler. Your DH will be in his 60's and you will wish you got a dog instead ☺️

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2022 20:54

Why do you think it would being your family closer together? It sounds like things work well as they are, the age gap between your kids is manageable, you’ve got a certain level of freedom.

You'd be looking at a minimum gap between yours and a baby of 12 years and that’s if you conceive straight away.

I'm a step mum, have a toddler together and a gap of 10 years with my DSC, DH mid 40s and life is pretty expensive and can be complicated. It took us 3 years to get her due to miscarriages and we’re not having another.

Fayekrista · 15/05/2022 20:55

I'm younger than you OP (33) but I have a 9 month old with my partner (53)
He had many worries to begin with about people thinking he was the grandad... too old... etc but he's proud as punch since he's been born & loves him to bits.
He has an adult son (22) I have a son (13)
He says this time round he's much more patient, appreciates things more & it's lovely to see his gentle side.
I wasn't around when he was a dad before... obvs, with the age gap I'd have been a child myself lol

AlternativePerspective · 15/05/2022 20:57

Incredibly selfish to have a baby at 57. Even 42 is questionable IMO but 57 is selfish.

Your child will lose their parents young, possibly before they even leave school in the case of their father. And before anyone says anyone can die at any age, when you’re old, you are going to die sooner rather than later. And a 57 plus year old will be considered to be your child’s grandparent at school, will be unlikely to participate much in active parenting, and it’s possible your child may be a young carer for their father by secondary.

NotYourOscarSpeech · 15/05/2022 21:00

Given your own age OP, have you considered that getting pregnant might not be that easy? Are you prepared, emotionally, for that if you were to start trying? And prepared, emotionally and financially, for fertility treatment if it doesn’t happen easily?

I think it’s a bit OTT the posters calling you selfish, but my parents are similar ages to your DP and whilst they love the grandparent role, they are absolutely not at a stage in their life where they could be raising a newborn with night feeds, interrupted sleep etc.

Original poster
An42 · 15/05/2022 21:00

I really have been wondering whether it’s hormones driving this at the moment 🙈

I know you’re totally right too to be thinking about our advanced ages despite how young we both might feel and the risks it brings.

Although I don’t think it’s necessarily selfish to want to bring a baby into a loving home even if parents are older. I think I’m trying to figure out why I am all of a sudden so desperate for us to have a baby together perhaps in a way I wasn’t 4 or 5 years ago.

OP posts:
WomanHere · 15/05/2022 21:02

Your DP isn’t keen, I think you both need to be 100% sure in your situation.

Original poster
An42 · 15/05/2022 21:03

I know entirely my posts assume we would have a baby straight away which at our ages might not be the case. I’m very much just trying to figure it out in my head first and to hear other people’s perspectives so thank you

OP posts:
User48751490 · 15/05/2022 21:04

AlternativePerspective · 15/05/2022 20:57

Incredibly selfish to have a baby at 57. Even 42 is questionable IMO but 57 is selfish.

Your child will lose their parents young, possibly before they even leave school in the case of their father. And before anyone says anyone can die at any age, when you’re old, you are going to die sooner rather than later. And a 57 plus year old will be considered to be your child’s grandparent at school, will be unlikely to participate much in active parenting, and it’s possible your child may be a young carer for their father by secondary.

Sports Day events will likely be out of the question too.

Investing in a puppy together makes more sense.

donchafeellikecrying · 15/05/2022 21:06

Agree with @AlternativePerspective

Incredibly selfish

TheVanguardSix · 15/05/2022 21:14

If it happens, you'd never regret it, neither one of you.
I had my last at 42. My STBX was 56. He was a terrible father though and he has no contact with our children. So, my story is entirely different from yours.
I would never say don't do it because I did it and to be honest, my children are my total silver linings! Our last year has been a tough one. They've kept me going.

So, whatever happens, OP, don't sweat it. Yep, he'll be the old dad on the playground. You'll be the old mum. Who cares? Really. There are plenty of us old fogeys on the playground these days!
My kids seem to have no issue at all with it. Maybe they'll tell it to a therapist when they're adults and have a good kvetch about their old mum. 😆

AlternativePerspective · 15/05/2022 21:14

You say you’d be bringing a child into a loving family, but for how long? Your husband could be diagnosed with dementia in the next 10 years, suffer a stroke or any other age related illness.

Also, your other children will have gone off to uni in the next 6 years. They’re not going to have the close relationship with this baby you hope for, it will be pretty much growing up as an only child.

GingerFigs · 15/05/2022 21:17

I'd say don't. You adore your partner, your kids get on great. You don't need to have a child together to make the relationship 'more real' or stronger.

People will come on with their own experiences of how they did it or similar circumstances and that's great, but you need to consider your existing children and the impact on them as well as potential impact on your own relationship. Due to both your ages the risk factor for having a child with additional needs is materially increased and anyone, no matter their age, will tell you that is tough with very little support (schooling, therapy etc).

Based on your age it is most likely to be that last rush of hormones, your body telling you that it's your last chance to have a baby. You don't have to act on it. We can't all have everything we want and having a child is a selfish choice at the best of times, you're doing it for you and you only. Not that there's anything wrong with that but your life sounds balanced and happy. Consider carefully how this would pan out across the next 20 years for all of your family unit.

TheVanguardSix · 15/05/2022 21:24

Sports Day events will likely be out of the question too.

Oh no! Stop the world. It's about to fall off its axis! What kind of shit parent doesn't partake in the Grown-Ups' egg and spoon?

Me. Never did.

AlternativePerspective · 15/05/2022 21:29

TheVanguardSix · 15/05/2022 21:14

If it happens, you'd never regret it, neither one of you.
I had my last at 42. My STBX was 56. He was a terrible father though and he has no contact with our children. So, my story is entirely different from yours.
I would never say don't do it because I did it and to be honest, my children are my total silver linings! Our last year has been a tough one. They've kept me going.

So, whatever happens, OP, don't sweat it. Yep, he'll be the old dad on the playground. You'll be the old mum. Who cares? Really. There are plenty of us old fogeys on the playground these days!
My kids seem to have no issue at all with it. Maybe they'll tell it to a therapist when they're adults and have a good kvetch about their old mum. 😆

That line about never regretting it is total rubbish. Of course people regret having children. Your ex obviously did or he wouldn’t have stopped bothering with them.

Also, while it’s unfortunate you’ve had a difficult year, children should never be there as their parents’ emotional support.

And what if they do talk to a therapist when they’re older? Is that ok because you don’t regret having them irrespective of what they did or didn’t gain from the relationship?

1Wanda1 · 15/05/2022 21:30

I had my third child a month before my 42nd birthday. I had a 15 and 17 year old from my first marriage. Bit different to you in that my DW is younger than me and it was she who was desperate for the baby, and I came round to the idea because she's the love of my life. I have to be honest and say: when you have kids who are much older, going back to the baby stage is quite hard. Having a partner who isn't really behind the idea could make that very difficult for the relationship, and that's before you even get into the effect on your existing children. I think both partners need to be fully enthused by the concept of another child. Not one going along with it for the other. Put another way: would you like to have a baby now if you were single?

5128gap · 15/05/2022 21:31

OP, you married a 51 year old man in your 30s. That comes with huge compromises, and this is just one of them. Your DH is past that stage in his life and despite the odd anecdote on here about situations where is all worked out, they are far from typical. You be able to persuade him, but that could well mean him having to live a life far from what he prefers as he gets older, which isn't fair if you married with the understanding children would not be on the agenda.

elociN5 · 15/05/2022 21:38

I am early 40s , husband is 52 , I was married before (went through a very messy and emotional divorce dragged out by my ex 2 years ago), him never married but a long term relationship and 2 children aged 15 and 21(one living with mum and visits regularly and one stayed in another city after uni)
when we met I had 5 children (one stillbirth at full term but I still count him, and 4 at home) my living children are now 18, 14,11,8 .....and 21 months as my husband and I had a baby in august 2020. All my children live with us He was my 6th birth and I was already over 40 with a high risk (due to previous unexplained stillbirth, pph, parity and age) He wanted a child with me though and would like another but I am not so sure it will happen for us again so easily.
My husband went grey very early (started early 20s ) and has been mistakes for a very young grandad (to be fair my dad was 50 when my first son was born) but he doesn't really care. He has never been inactive but feels he has to be more active with the crazy toddler and is really enjoying being a dad again with such a gap.

crimesagainstwine · 15/05/2022 21:44

The amount of ageist shit posted here is frigging atrocious. Sure he may not be able to outrun those twenty years younger in a daft school sports event. Maybe he could though - there are enough parents if both sexes that struggle with physical activity for whatever reason. If he’s young at heart and committed to start a family then do it. Older dads in my experience have more time, patience and experience. They are closer to retirement so can help OP develop her career and take up child care (if required). They are financially better off (hopefully) and are secure in finances and relationships. Go for it OP - though as a 50+ woman I’d say this may also be your ovaries calling too - happened to me at this age too. My DH is now 70 - we had our first DC when he was 52 and I was 31 - absolutely no regrets. However we both wanted it at that time so make sure you both agree. It was my first DC and his 5th - all other siblings were great and we were already a tight knitted unit so that helped.

good luck whatever you decide

TheVanguardSix · 15/05/2022 21:48

AlternativePerspective · 15/05/2022 21:29

That line about never regretting it is total rubbish. Of course people regret having children. Your ex obviously did or he wouldn’t have stopped bothering with them.

Also, while it’s unfortunate you’ve had a difficult year, children should never be there as their parents’ emotional support.

And what if they do talk to a therapist when they’re older? Is that ok because you don’t regret having them irrespective of what they did or didn’t gain from the relationship?

Show quote history

Heavens, your posts are dripping in sanctimonious BS.
You're not entirely wrong. Not at all.
But you are condescending and a bit of an arse, to be honest.

Keepitonthedownlow · 15/05/2022 21:50

Don't do it, think of the kid. Ageing parents can't be much fun IMHO.

crimesagainstwine · 15/05/2022 21:53

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