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Original poster

Age gap relationship and babies

76 replies

An42 · 15/05/2022 20:27

So confused at the moment. I’m 42 and DP is 57. We’ve both been married before and each have one child (mine is 11 and his is 14). DP is the love of my life and the last 6 years together have been pretty perfect.

Over the last year though I haven’t been able to stop desperately wanting another baby. DP isn’t overly keen but knows why I would like us to have a baby and is supportive if I really want this.

For those with older DH, how much harder is it being an older dad? Is having a baby at this stage a bad idea? Our children get on so well and we have a lovely family dynamic, is this going to rock the boat?

If anyone else has ever had this burning need to have a baby at this age? Does it go away? Is it just me knowing that it’s my last chance? I don’t think it is. I want to have a baby with the man I love and to give our children a sibling they share. I feel like a baby would strengthen our family but am frightened of what it would mean for DP being a nearly 70 year old primary school dad. Or is this silly?

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 15/05/2022 21:55

Of course people regret having children. Your ex obviously did or he wouldn’t have stopped bothering with them.

My ex (you seem to know him so well!) was/is severely and significantly mentally ill (and no, before you come at me with a battering ram, this wasn't apparent in our earlier years or when we first started having children). My ex is now in prison and won't see his children again.
Anything else I can tell you... more ammo for you to wield on a forum full of middle-aged mums just trying to rig up some joy out of life?
Or are you done?

rahjama · 15/05/2022 22:04

My sister had her second child at 47 and her partner was 54. The child is 6 now and she said although she loves her son immensely, she wishes she had not had him at that age. (even though they had fertility issues and she really wanted another)

She said that having a baby and then a toddler was exhausting for her and her DH, he is now 60 with heart problems, diabetes and a handful of other things. He isn't able to look after the child alone now which has made childcare stressful. My nephew has never and will never be able to do the things most children do with their parents, his father never taught him to ride a bike or taken him for swimming lessons due to his own health complications.

They brought him into the world with the best intentions and they love him so much. Shocking and upsetting health emergencies can happen to anyone of any age but the reality is that older parents have more of a chance. You might not be able to see your child have their own children.

Just a lot to think about OP, but that was the perspective of my own sister. Good luck either way x

PanicPrevention · 15/05/2022 22:06

It could be hormones making you broody.
Im younger than you, partner same age as me with one teenager each, nothing would make me think having a baby would be good for any of us.
We are so close to having much more freedom, I'd never go back to sleepless nights, pushing a bloody pram around and childcare costs.
Our kids are same age so it's easy to do things together they both like, much harder to go rock climbing or camping or to play golf for the afternoon with a baby or toddler in tow.
I'd love to go back and do it all again with my son but as a single parent it's been hard work at times.t
It sounds like you've got a good set up with happy teenagers, something many step parents can only dream of, I'd be reluctant to rock the boat and complicate things.
Ultimately it's only for you and partner to decide,
at your own age you'd be lucky to get pregnant the first few tries if at all anyway.

Organictangerine · 15/05/2022 22:09

Some of the replies here have really shaken me. I’m 30, DH is mid 40s and we have a very nearly 3yo and are trying for a second baby. He didn’t seem to old when she was born in his early 40s, but all of a sudden I’m worrying. Do you all think we should push on for the baby number 2 plans, as have have one we may as well have 2? Or should we shelve it? He would’ve liked kids earlier but didn’t meet the right person

narcdad · 15/05/2022 22:15

Organictangerine · 15/05/2022 22:09

Some of the replies here have really shaken me. I’m 30, DH is mid 40s and we have a very nearly 3yo and are trying for a second baby. He didn’t seem to old when she was born in his early 40s, but all of a sudden I’m worrying. Do you all think we should push on for the baby number 2 plans, as have have one we may as well have 2? Or should we shelve it? He would’ve liked kids earlier but didn’t meet the right person

My husband was 48 when we had our 2nd, I'm 10 years younger, it's totally fine. My husband is now 54 with an almost 7yo and 10yo it's ok. He definitely wouldn't be wanting to try for another 🤣

Op sorry but you are both a bit old

Andromachehadabadday · 15/05/2022 22:17

I absolutely wouldn’t have a baby with a man that could, easily, be over 60 when it’s born.

My dad is a fit and healthy 66 year old. Very fit for his age. But for his age. He adores my kids and is very involved with them. But he absolutely wouldn’t cope being a full time parent.

I think it’s incredibly unfair on the child.

i also disagree, that no one ever regrets a baby. Plenty do.

lassof · 15/05/2022 22:24

It's a hormonal thing. If you wait it out, the urge goes away, leaving you delighted that you don't have a child to bring up into your 60s. Well, it did for me anyway. On mumsnet there are plenty of happy older parents. All the ones I know in real life deeply regret it

astarta · 15/05/2022 22:24

Go for it! My situation was similar. I had a son from previous relationship and my partner, 16 years older than me, had four adult children. I had always wanted two children and my partner was supportive, so at 41 - my partner 57 - I gave birth to another wonderful little boy. Sure enough I had the Downs test but it was low risk so no issue. Our now 6 year old is an absolute joy and he keeps us young and brings us even closer together. Sometimes he is hard work and we get tired, but we are calmer and more experienced so there are pluses to being older parents. Cognisant of our age we do both make a special effort to stay fit and are blessed with good natural health. Follow your heart and you will overcome.

Greenstick · 15/05/2022 22:24

Don't know why some people have it in for older couples. Bringing a child into the world and caring for it is the most un-selfish thing anyone can do! Go for it! 57 is NOT too old and 42 certainly isn't!!!!!

To people who say it is selfish - is it also selfish to have a child if you are poor or disabled or too opinionated? Where do you draw the line? (On second thoughts, maybe don't answer!!!😂)

LosingMyPancakes · 15/05/2022 22:25

I can't imagine any 60 year old man who would want to be up doing night feeds/changes, chasing around after a toddler etc.

It's the age of our DC's GP's and they openly admit to being exhausted after a day or two, when helping us out!

Unless you're happy to assume all childcare of course...

Greenstick · 15/05/2022 22:29

When my children's grandad was in his 90's he was still going to park with them / helping look after them for the whole day etc. Age not important. There are good good and bad parents of any age.

Fifi0102 · 15/05/2022 22:30

I'm sorry but it is selfish you have existing much older DC. You don't need a baby to cement your love.

Greenstick · 15/05/2022 22:32

@lassof Haha - no - don't wait it out! Then your periods will stop, your husband will be even older and then you'll never get round to it!!

Ginger1982 · 15/05/2022 22:36

No, I wouldn't have a child with a man of that age. He clearly doesn't want to either.

Sunnygirl1 · 15/05/2022 22:37

I plan to adopt a baby/toddler girl before I am 52. So I have 10 years to decide.

If I get a grandchild(ren) (our son is 15), then I'll enjoy them and won't need to adopt.

bigbeautifulmonster · 15/05/2022 22:39

I cannot believe the comments on here. My DH is older than me and around the same age as your DP, we now have two little ones and he is the best dad anyone could ever wish for. Certainly more of a dad than I ever had.

It all depends on the individuals involved. Only you can truthfully know the answers to your questions but perhaps the comments here will steer you to what you believe in deep down.

Personally I'd say go for it.

Strawvanilla · 15/05/2022 22:44

My dear dad was 56 when I was born. He had a young outlook on life and I was his only child. I lost him when I was 28. I honestly felt lucky to have had him so long but boy do I miss him.
I was conscious early that he was older and I worried immensely that something would happen to him from quite a young age.
So I would say that your family seems a good unit already. I wouldn't add to it as it seems to be hormonal given your age.

Sunnygirl1 · 15/05/2022 22:47

I am 42. My husband is 55.

rahjama · 15/05/2022 22:50

I'm curious to those saying that 42 and 57 isn't too old. What would you say is too old?

Organictangerine · 15/05/2022 22:52

To me, too old would be when a woman can no longer naturally conceive (unless something unusual like premature menopause), or for the dad, late 40s max as 50 feels a whole new ball game.

Greenstick · 15/05/2022 23:00

@rahjama I would say that too old would be any time after natural age of menopause for the woman and over 65 for the man. The mum would def have to make concessions for a dad who was 65, though, and not expecting him to be getting up for night-time feeds and to be running round the park playing football with them every Saturday (although I'm sure there are some older dads who could do this). Older dads are often more financially secure and they do say that money issues are one of the main reasons for divorce, so maybe good bag yourselves an older man!

mastertomsmum · 15/05/2022 23:03

AlternativePerspective · 15/05/2022 20:57

Incredibly selfish to have a baby at 57. Even 42 is questionable IMO but 57 is selfish.

Your child will lose their parents young, possibly before they even leave school in the case of their father. And before anyone says anyone can die at any age, when you’re old, you are going to die sooner rather than later. And a 57 plus year old will be considered to be your child’s grandparent at school, will be unlikely to participate much in active parenting, and it’s possible your child may be a young carer for their father by secondary.

I was 43 when I became a mum. There is prejudice out there but most people realise I had what they call ‘a long journey to parenthood’. It’s certainly true that there were grandmothers younger than me when my son was at primary school. There was also a mid thirties first time mum in my baby group. She once said “you must be so tired”. I was not, incidentally. At 5 yrs younger than me we are 55 and 60 respectively. 55 Sounds ball park my age

Mellowyellow222 · 15/05/2022 23:12

So your husband would be at least 58 when the baby is born. 70 when he/she starts secondary school. Nearly 80 when they go to university.

that’s tough on the child. The child will, in all likelihood, lose their dad in their teens or twenties. And health declines in our sixties and seventies. That’s a lot of worry on young shoulders.

your husband is right. It’s too old to become a parent.

spinachmonster · 15/05/2022 23:21

Wow so many people seeming to be so judgemental about older parents.

My mum was an older mum when she had me and I probably did worry about her dying more than my friends with younger mums did, (but she's still alive now and I'm 42!) Also I'd much rather be alive than not alive.

I always felt completely loved and supported. I reckon that's more important than age.

Mellowyellow222 · 15/05/2022 23:29

Greenstick · 15/05/2022 23:00

@rahjama I would say that too old would be any time after natural age of menopause for the woman and over 65 for the man. The mum would def have to make concessions for a dad who was 65, though, and not expecting him to be getting up for night-time feeds and to be running round the park playing football with them every Saturday (although I'm sure there are some older dads who could do this). Older dads are often more financially secure and they do say that money issues are one of the main reasons for divorce, so maybe good bag yourselves an older man!

65 for a man?? Really?

so a 64 year old man has a baby. Running around after a toddler in his late sixties.

avwrage life expectancy is around 84. So likely to experience declining health throughout child’s teens.

unlikely to meet grandchildren, attend child’s wedding. In eighties for university graduation. Older than many grandparents.

Anything over 45 for both parents is too old in my opinion. and I say this as someone whose parents are in Great health and active in their seventies. But they find the grandchildren tiring at times and are happy to hand them back.