Age gap relationship and babies

[An42]

So confused at the moment. I’m 42 and DP is 57. We’ve both been married before and each have one child (mine is 11 and his is 14). DP is the love of my life and the last 6 years together have been pretty perfect.

Over the last year though I haven’t been able to stop desperately wanting another baby. DP isn’t overly keen but knows why I would like us to have a baby and is supportive if I really want this.

For those with older DH, how much harder is it being an older dad? Is having a baby at this stage a bad idea? Our children get on so well and we have a lovely family dynamic, is this going to rock the boat?

If anyone else has ever had this burning need to have a baby at this age? Does it go away? Is it just me knowing that it’s my last chance? I don’t think it is. I want to have a baby with the man I love and to give our children a sibling they share. I feel like a baby would strengthen our family but am frightened of what it would mean for DP being a nearly 70 year old primary school dad. Or is this silly?

I was 37, H 55.

Now I[m 51, DD (perfect btw) 14 does not speak to or see her (appalling) father. Im getting divorced form a 70 year old horrendous misgynist who helped not one jot and changed into a monster the very minute she was born.

She is wonderful, but to have a child with a man that age at YOUR age is a recipe for disaster. You both have healthy DC[s. Leave it at that.

You are perimenopausal and this is a hormone surge.

I'll answer the question about whether having a baby might rock the boat. Yes. Having a baby almost always does.
Also: one teenager, one soon to be teenager, and a dad who's not super keen..... Yes, there's no way it won't rock the boat! You'd have three children all at quite different stages and with quite different needs.
If your family dynamic is good, why throw that up in the air?

It feels too old in my opinion. But the main issue is your partner isn’t keen on it. What’s he going to feel like when a baby is crying through night after night?

I’m not sure where the line is but I think if you can have your parents realistically alive until your 30s then that’s acceptable. I feel you still need your parents in your teens and twenties. Obviously no one can tell the future and some live to be 100 while others die young.

Like @crimesagainstwine I too have a child in my forties with a partner with a considerable age gap. 15+ years. He is the light of our lives and keeps us young. He is both of ours first child

You both have children.
Your DP is an old man. 60 is for retiring, not starting a new family.

There's higher risk for a lot of things

Higher risk for miscarriage, low birth weight, ASD, Downs syndrome, Schizophrenia, leukemia.

It’s not a child’s role to keep parents feeling young. It’s a parents role to give a child love and security. A much older father is always going to cause worry for a child - and it’s likely they will see their father’s health decline while they are still a child themselves. As an only child that’s a huge burden to carry.

i am sorry but I think men becoming parents at an advanced age is selfish. It’s like those women who have ivf in their fifties and beyond.

I assume you went into this with your eyes

I think the main thing to pick up on in your post is that your partner is not keen on the idea.

He is 57 years old, already has a child, and doesn't want another - understandably, since he would be in his 60's when the child is in primary school, and in his 70's when they are a teenager.

It is up to you what you do of course, but I think it's important for the sake of the chid that both of you are genuinely on the same page before going ahead. You absolutely shouldn't have a child if he is only doing it to appease you. The child needs their father - and needs a father who genuinely, fully, enthusiastically wants them.

It is unfair on the future child to subject them to not only having an old dad, but also a dad who was not fully enthusiastic about bringing them into the world. I'm sure he would tolerate it, but he won't be the dad that he could be if he actually wanted a child.

You can't make him want a child. If he doesn't, he doesn't.

So on balance I don't think it's a good idea unless he changes his mind about wanting a child.

Im 31. DH is 53. We have DS 6 months. DH has two children 12 and 17. He adores the baby but I feel guilty that DH will likely die before DS has grandchildren . I hope DS doesn’t resent us for having him when DH is so old .

But have such a happy and gorgeous baby . My dad left when I was 4 and I never saw him . I know many crap dads . I know many dear friends whose fathers have passed away.

So just because DH is old doesn’t immediately mean DS is disadvantaged . DH admits he wasn’t able to spend much time with his two previous children when they were younger as he had to drive ships for months at a time to pay the bills . He says he is so much calmer now . I will be trying for one more baby next year . DH will almost be 55 when baby is born . Baby will be loved , cherished and adored .

I imagine DH will struggle more with a toddler than a baby . Also , I am relieved I am young and full of energy as i know as DH gets older and the children are more demanding it is likely I’ll do more with the children . DH is fit for his age and full of love but I’m relieved I am relatively young and in touch !

My DH is so kind , creative and intelligent and such a huge support system - I know my children will have an amazing dad .

If you can cope with it and DH is on board - write a pros and cons list .
My mum had my younger brother at 41 and loved it !

Please don't. I am the product of a relationship like yours and its no fun. Dad was too old and grumpy to be bothered with me, mum went out to work and left me to look after a sick old man who then died the Summer I took my a levels and I screwed them up royally, and my step brother and sister were older than my mother so we never had a relationship. I dread to think what people said behind our backs although I was never teased. Its not fair on the child you would have let alone your existing children 😔 sorry if that's not what you want to hear......

The fact that it's possible to live till 90+ imo misses the point. Simply being alive is in no way the same as having the health and vitality to be the person your partner and children need. Its not ageist to acknowledge that people decline after middle age, and with very rare exception, have increasing health needs, lower energy and favour a slower pace of life than is ideal for young families. The fact that a man is fit and healthy 'for his age' in his 50s, is in no way indicative of what he will be like over the next decade or two, when decline can be very rapid.

Can I respectfully suggest that anyone whose children are still young can't really say "Ooh, we had babies when we were 45 and 67 and we're FIIIINNNE!"

This is the good bit.
Come back in 25 years with your cancers and dementia and all the other stuff people get.
I find it hard enough looking after my parents now and I'm in my 50s.

I’m mid 20’s and my dad is coming up to 70 soon. I have been very close to him all my life but have always had to live with the knowledge that I will likely lose him when I am relatively young. He may not be around to see my children grow up, if I have any. I don’t want to start trying for a family until I’m in my 30’s due to my career - by the time any children I may have are at ‘playing’ age, their grandad may not be around/capable. The thought really does destroy me.

I really wouldn’t do it on the basis of how that child would feel, with their dad being in his 80’s when they’re just entering adulthood

Good point. The problem for me in these scenarios is that the couples concerned are usually late 30s/ early 40s (the mum) and 50s (dad), or something like that.

I had DD when I was 26. DH was early 40s. I guess I’m hoping my age will nullify some of the usual problems in this scenario (eg caring for elderly parents at a young age). Because I will be young enough to care for DH, and will hopefully live a life long enough that she doesn’t lose both parents too young.

would you say that’s different to the aforementioned scenario? (Yes I’m grasping as reassurance here!)

I will also add that I became hyper aware of this as a young teenager - maybe 13 ish. My dad was more than 10 years older than a lot of my peers’ parents and I really felt that. I used to dread each of his birthdays. Not an easy thing for a child to cope with
I’m really sorry that this isn’t what you wanted to hear 💐

I think that's largely down to you. A former colleague of mine is 50s. Her DH is 70s and has developed multiple health problems. She does all the necessary care, which so far is manageable, more supervisory and picking up the slack that he can't cope with, so her DC are shielded from it. I don't think they're any the worse off, but her life is very hard and she's depressed.
Conversely, the mother of DSs friend left her much older partner when she hit her 50s. DSs friend feels a lot of responsibility in respect of his elderly father (who is actually well, but frail as you'd expect) which is hard for him in his 20s, and was part of his decision not to go to uni.

I'd say no. My sister has a baby with someone who is the same age as your husband. He is permanently tired and gets ill a lot. He loves the child dearly, but is often mistaken for Grandad. I worry how things will be in 10 or 15 years.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to reply and offer different perspectives. In particular about the caring obligations that might fall on what would be a young adult.
Because DP and I are thankfully both fit and healthy it’s easy to assume it will always be this way and whilst I had of course thought about this, it wasn’t quite as central in my worries as it is now.

The responses around what actually people think is too old to have a baby are v interesting too and I think reflect what my fears have been. In some ways I thought having one young parent would negate this - but clearly 42 isn’t as young as I feel and think it is!

It’s also reassuring to see others note this hormone surge too. It’s so difficult though when you meet your person later in life and if they are older too. Think I need to accept that we won’t experience the joy of bringing a baby into the world together. I should add too, he isn’t against it, he just isn’t overly keen for many of the reasons in this thread already. I would never ask him to do anything he didn’t want to. I just haven’t carried on any initial discussions really and wanted to figure out where my own head is.

Hi - you do what you think is best and that will be the right decision for you. As you say - big range of opinions - some encouraging you some cautioning you. Hope it's all helped to help you get things clearer in your head! Best wishes..

Op I think you have made the right decision.

its an emotive topic, and people have strong opinions. It’s not agist to be realistic. biology is agist - older people are much more likely to experience ill healthy and die. There are lots on mumsnet who get angry about this, and claim their partner is the exception and is so you g for his age. Being rich, wearing designer clothes, having a £2k bike and driving a Range Rover doesn’t stop the ageing process.

A sixty year old new dad isn’t going to be around for as long as a thirty year old new dad. A sixty year old did will likely not live to see their child grandparents university. Our health starts to decline as we age. All sad but true.

Graduate not grandparents!

I guess it depends how you see the next 20 years of your life- for me, I am 37 and my youngest is 11, my OH is 53 with adult children, and we never had children together. We want to live our lives, go on holiday whenever we want, not be tied to school runs and just enjoy each other. If your OH is truly happy to give up this time of his life to be tied to school runs and working later than retirement than that's great, but he really needs to think about how he might feel in 10 years time. He will go from rearing children to possibly being too old to really enjoy his retirement.

Hi and what a load of rubbish on this thread that you are somehow not allowed to have children after 50 in case you drop dead after 51 or get dementia. And oh dear it is a bit embarrassing at sports day. Do you think the children would rather not be born? We have seven children between us - 21 to 1 and a half - who are amazing and not in the slightest bothered about whether we have grey hair or not. Being quite a lot healthier than these overweight ‘young’ parents at the school gate does not do any harm. The important thing to them is they are loved and looked after - nothing else bothers them. Never heard so much crap in my life as on this thread.

Did you and your partner have a baby when you were both over fifty?

surely you consider the pros and cons of being older parents? Being in your late sixties when your child goes to university? Whether or not your pension would be sufficient for university fees? Being in your eighties when your child married?

you must accept that health declines as we age? That a 51 year old new mother or father will have significantly less time with their child that a 31 year old?

while it is a decision every one must make for themselves - this silly nonsense about people in their fifties and solicitors having the same average health as people in their twenties and thirties is unbelievably stupid. Basic common sense and any health statistics will prove otherwise. Should people who believe this be procreating?

is every parent at your school who had children under forty over weight and every parent who had children over forty in perfect health with low body fat count? I truly doubt it. So why make such a silly statement?

Sixties not solicitors 😳

no one said anyone wasn’t allowed, they were asked their opinions and have them.

Children who aren’t born don’t have an opinion. Following that theory everyone should have as many children as possible. I stopped at 2. Maybe I should have had a 3rd so it could be grateful to be born.

your youngest also does not have an opinion on your age, so you have no idea

My aunt who did feel she missed out because her mum was much older when she has her, would never have said anything to her parents. What was the point?

Why would you compare your health to that of someone over weight? I don’t get the comparison . People can lose weight, you can’t reverse age. But also the 2 things aren’t comparable. You will definitely continue to age. I don’t think anyone said everyone over 50 is healthier than everyone under 50.

I get that you feel personally attacked by this thread. But you insisting your life is perfect and great, doesn’t change anyones opinions. Your experience isn’t any more valid than the people who have posted and it didnt work out perfectly for.