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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Total total fuck up

64 replies

Rottenapples · 13/05/2022 23:25

I’ve NCed. I can’t bear the thought of anyone finding previous posts of mine gushing about my relationship.

I’ve just found out my partner slept with his ex 9 months into our relationship. We’ve been together 3 years, very happy, over the moon to be getting married. It’s 3 months to our wedding.

I don’t really need ‘get your ducks in a row’ practical advice. We have no children yet. I’m completely 100% financially independent. I’ll be fine.

But what on earth do I do? I’m a diplomat posted overseas. We are a tight community where you socialise with your colleagues and their spouses. The engagement was well publicised and everyone knows about it. We will have to ask work to move us to separate quarters and then go back to work and face people the next day. And go to parties where everyone will know what’s happened. I don’t want to leave early. I can’t bear the thought of being alone in London either.

And I can’t tell my parents. We are South Asian. They were mortified enough that I got to 30 unmarried. I finally worked up the guts and brought someone home to them and 5 months later we are breaking up.

And we’ve sent the invites. I’ve bought a dress. What do I tell people? I’m just so sad. I’ve fucked up really badly, haven’t I?

OP posts:
PurassicJark · 13/05/2022 23:28

You haven't fucked up. He fucked up.

People will have more admiration for you for dumping a cheating twat than they would if you stayed with him. Your parents do have old fashioned views, you can't change that. They might not be happy but your happiness matters more. Dump the twat, and find a man who is worth it.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2022 23:29

You haven't fucked up at all.

What your parents or colleagues think is irrelevant and should have no bearing as to what you decide to do, but you're an independent, grown woman so you know this, I'm sure.

You don't have to say anything aside from the wedding isn't going forward. You owe no one an explanation.

MaturingLikeCheese · 13/05/2022 23:29

YOU haven’t fucked up. HE has.

keep your head up and style it out. You’ve done nothing to be ashamed of. They will all judge him for being a slimy cheater and be glad you’re shot of him

Original poster
Rottenapples · 13/05/2022 23:34

I’ve just turned 31. This is my third long term relationship. How on earth do I start again? And I clearly have such shitty taste in men. How would I trust myself to judge someone in the future?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2022 23:39

Rottenapples · 13/05/2022 23:34

I’ve just turned 31. This is my third long term relationship. How on earth do I start again? And I clearly have such shitty taste in men. How would I trust myself to judge someone in the future?

Starting again is far more preferable than marrying a shithead you will inevitably get divorced from.

FGS, stop caring what anyone else thinks.

Get therapy. Right now. It will be the best money you've ever spent. You don't even know who you are, and you need to figure this out.

marlowe5 · 13/05/2022 23:49

Rottenapples · 13/05/2022 23:34

I’ve just turned 31. This is my third long term relationship. How on earth do I start again? And I clearly have such shitty taste in men. How would I trust myself to judge someone in the future?

Please just make the right decision and get out now . It's so important to go with what you really know yourself. I am of a similar background to you, had a gut feeling about 3 months before my wedding, didn't pull out for some of the reasons you list and the storm that erupted for me over the next ten years, having made a marriage that shouldn't have happened, leaves me cold if I think about it now. The embarrassment of getting out now is nothing compared to the pain of trying to do it post marriage and potentially more. What seems enormous now as a boulder will be nothing in comparison to its size in a few years' time.

Herejustforthisone · 13/05/2022 23:54

You’re clearly a smart woman. You know you haven’t fucked up at all. You’re obviously carrying some fucked up shame connected to the cultural influence of your parents but frankly, fuck that.

Your options are be miserably married to the cheating twat you’re currently with to save face about some ludicrous sense of shame being attached to being unmarried at 30, or leave him, start afresh and find happiness elsewhere.

May I recommend the latter? And some therapy to work on your self esteem.

DoctorMarten · 14/05/2022 00:00

I'm of south Asian heritage and will tell you this: he fucked up, you're well rid and you cannot marry this bloke unless you want to live a lie (now that would be fucked up).

CockSpadget · 14/05/2022 00:01

How on earth is it you that's done the fucking up? If this had happened to your best friend, would you tell her she had fucked up? No, you would be doing no such thing! His cheating ass has fucked up. Count your blessings you found out before the wedding. You are still very young with a bright future ahead of you. I'm sorry you have the added stress of such traditional parents, but I'm sure they wouldn't want you to saddle yourself with a liar and a cheat. Yes, you are going to have some upset and upheaval in the short term, but you will come through it and be happy again.

Nextyears · 14/05/2022 00:02

OP regarding age, I'm 33 and met my partner 18 months ago. Before that I'd had two relationships, but had been single for 8 years as the last one had ended so badly. I really thought I would be single forever as I was scared all men wee cheating lying arse holes and I wouldnt be able to let myself trust one. But it happened, and it will for you aswell.

I'm so sorry this has happened, but this isn't it for you, you are still young by today's standards!
You're amazing for knowing you're worth and not marrying him to save face.
If you've booked the honeymoon already, just take a friend and have the holiday xx

HollowTalk · 14/05/2022 00:03

I'm really sorry that happened to you. The thing is you will have to start again anyway at some point and either you can do it now before you get married to that complete and utter twat or you can do it later when you get a divorce. Just dump him and tell everyone why.

DreamingofTimbuktu · 14/05/2022 00:05

Are you sure? Hopefully wishing for you that the ex has told you this and it’s true but she wants to stop the marriage.

DreamingofTimbuktu · 14/05/2022 00:06

Not true obviously

Original poster
Rottenapples · 14/05/2022 00:26

It’s not from the ex. I’m sure. I asked him straight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rottenapples · 14/05/2022 00:30

My parents will give me hell. I’ve only just repaired my relationship with them after my last relationship ended and I had to do it my rushing an engagement. Something similar happened to a friend recently and her parents drove her into a suicide attempt. Everything else, I’ll weather. But the parental shitstorm ?

OP posts:
Wetblanket78 · 14/05/2022 00:38

He's the one that fucked up not you. You can't go into a marriage knowing he's cheated. You need to trust someone to marry them. He has broken that trust. You will always be wondering if he's cheating again.

NotMushroomInEre · 14/05/2022 01:03

You haven't fucked up. He has!

You must be an extremely intelligent person to be in such a position, yet you are questioning what people will think of you? I'd be pulling on my common sense and tell the lot if them to go get f**ked.

I don't mean to sound rude, and you have every right to be hurt and extremely upset, but you should not be blaming yourself and certainly should not feel any shame.

skodadoda · 14/05/2022 01:14

Rottenapples · 14/05/2022 00:30

My parents will give me hell. I’ve only just repaired my relationship with them after my last relationship ended and I had to do it my rushing an engagement. Something similar happened to a friend recently and her parents drove her into a suicide attempt. Everything else, I’ll weather. But the parental shitstorm ?

It’s likely that your relationships have failed because of the pressure from your parents. I think you should turn the tables on them and make them take responsibility for rushing you. It’s your life, not theirs.

twistingmylemon · 14/05/2022 01:19

Rottenapples · 14/05/2022 00:30

My parents will give me hell. I’ve only just repaired my relationship with them after my last relationship ended and I had to do it my rushing an engagement. Something similar happened to a friend recently and her parents drove her into a suicide attempt. Everything else, I’ll weather. But the parental shitstorm ?

I get that there are cultural factors at play here that I've no experience of.

But I can say that I went no contact with both my parents about 5 years ago because of their harmful behaviour and lived to tell the tale.

Your posts read as though you live your life for your parent's approval.

You don't have to do that.

And I am telling you as someone who has broken free of incredibly controlling parents that there is another life outside of the one you are living now, which appears to be for the benefit of everyone but you.

Bunty55 · 14/05/2022 01:20

Whatever you do you must remember that it is your life here and not anyone else's. You matter. You must not marry this man and you must not worry about what anyone else thinks. I am sorry your parents think like this. Nothing you can do about that.
Think about what is best for you and take it from there.

Maverick2022 · 14/05/2022 09:42

Rottenapples · 14/05/2022 00:30

My parents will give me hell. I’ve only just repaired my relationship with them after my last relationship ended and I had to do it my rushing an engagement. Something similar happened to a friend recently and her parents drove her into a suicide attempt. Everything else, I’ll weather. But the parental shitstorm ?

But that behaviour is unreasonable wrong headed, and abusive.

And should be treated as such.

My love for my child is not dependant on them getting married, by any age or ar all.

No decent parent's would be. Would yours be?

You are still quite young for professional re marrying and having a family.

And looking at their (crazy) attitude ... why is it so crucial someone gets married by 30? You are financially independent. This is not 1822. You have time to give kids (90% chance of getting pregnant within 2 yrs of trying up to 39, the younger you are , the less time it's likely to take), even if you werent able to, there are options now). So they are badung their attitude on things that don't exist.

You have obviously achieved a great deal to become a diplomat and they should be so proud of you, instead of making you feel like your "value" is deprndabr on getting married by a certain age or at all.

As posters above say, it's your life not theirs. Thry have their lives, they can't have other ppls as well.
Their kids are not an extension of them. Parents like this have no respect for their kids, yet expect major respect. No, no, no.

Maverick2022 · 14/05/2022 09:59

Something similar happened to a friend recently and her parents drove her into a suicide attempt.

Then they're fkg evil.

Their child is not a person person a loved one to them, only an object and boasting rights among their similarly minded friends abd relatives. A role, not a person.

Maverick2022 · 14/05/2022 10:00

If my parents behaved like that to my sibling, for example, I would NC them andcencoyrsge them to do the same.

Let them explain that to their family & community.

Whiskeypowers · 14/05/2022 10:02

I’d ditch the fiancé and your parents at the same time to be frank.

TheVolturi · 14/05/2022 10:04

Please do not continue with this relationship just to keep up appearances! You are worth SO much more than this. He sounds like he's the one that's lost out. You will be OK, and you will find someone right for you! Flowers