Total total fuck up

[Rottenapples]

I’ve NCed. I can’t bear the thought of anyone finding previous posts of mine gushing about my relationship.

I’ve just found out my partner slept with his ex 9 months into our relationship. We’ve been together 3 years, very happy, over the moon to be getting married. It’s 3 months to our wedding.

I don’t really need ‘get your ducks in a row’ practical advice. We have no children yet. I’m completely 100% financially independent. I’ll be fine.

But what on earth do I do? I’m a diplomat posted overseas. We are a tight community where you socialise with your colleagues and their spouses. The engagement was well publicised and everyone knows about it. We will have to ask work to move us to separate quarters and then go back to work and face people the next day. And go to parties where everyone will know what’s happened. I don’t want to leave early. I can’t bear the thought of being alone in London either.

And I can’t tell my parents. We are South Asian. They were mortified enough that I got to 30 unmarried. I finally worked up the guts and brought someone home to them and 5 months later we are breaking up.

And we’ve sent the invites. I’ve bought a dress. What do I tell people? I’m just so sad. I’ve fucked up really badly, haven’t I?

This is awful. Sorry this has happened to you.
But this is way better than marrying the cheating twat, having children with him and then having to divorce him.
Take everything one step at a time.
The first thing to do is to sort out the accommodation - so ask your mission to sort this for you.
Then cancel the wedding.

Do you have any particularly good friends you could tell who can support you? I'd tell them first.
Everyone at work will find out. But hold your head up high and just say matter of factly that he cheated and that is unacceptable to you and you have therefore ended it.
If they want to gossip and be twats about it, that's their problem.
I know it's not fun to be the subject of gossip - I went through all of this sort of thing with my ex. It's horrible, but at the end of the day you just have to weather the storm - the gossip never lasts as long as you think it will because people generally find the next thing to gossip about fairly quickly.

Do you have to go to all the parties? Or can you keep your head down and just get on with things at the mission? I appreciate that depends on your actual role. I have a good friend who is an ambassador abroad and he has to go to most things now but in his first couple of postings he didn't need to go to parties and so on - most of his role was desk-based.
Again, head held high - no matter what. Your partner has fucked up , not you. He should be ashamed, not you.

Your parents are a completely different issue and a bigger problem. Lots of people have given plenty of good advice already. Just tell them how it is. And keep repeating - do the stuck record technique. No matter what they say....
"He cheated and that is unacceptable to me so I have ended the relationship"
"But you won't find anyone else to marry you"
"As I said, he cheated and that is unacceptable to me so I have ended things"
"But you're 31 and can't get anyone to marry you. What's wrong with you"
"I am not prepared to marry someone who has cheated on me, so I have ended the relationship"

You get the idea? No matter what they say, just keep on saying the same thing.
They should be really proud of you and what you are doing - these diplomat postings are very hard to get and you have to have all kinds of skills and education to get one.

I am so sorry. But it is not you mistake or fuck up. Please done get into a marriage just because you feel you cant stop the engagement. As for your parents - yes, it will be hell. Sorry. But it will be best for you and that is what you have to think about. Sending you a hug.

You haven't fucked up at all. This is all on him. What a loser.

I have no useful advice for the awful situation you're in socially, I can only imagine how hard that is. All I can advise is, to the fullest extent possible, let the shame and embarrassment be his rather than yours, and don't take on the feelings and prejudices of others - even your parents - that's for them to deal with, not you.

Seriously, just stop for a moment. Is this what you want? He did something very wrong when your relationship was quite new. Is he sorry? Will he do it again? Can you trust him now? A boyfriend of 9 months is very different to one of 3 years.

you don’t have to throw your life up in the air. People make mistakes. We are human. It might be something you can work past and he will never do again. I am not saying forgive a cheater but I am saying recognise we are all capable of doing something wrong and don’t just automatically throw away a life you wanted.

It happened once, 9 months in. She flew in to beg him to get back together with her - and he’s not just telling me this, I really have got my facts straight. He won’t cheat again - He’s utterly devoted to me, wants to spend his life with me - this is also fact. It’s more about the message that taking him back gives - desperation. Obviously things were different in the relationship 9 months in, but the problem is that I seem to recall he seemed quite keen on me then too and still did this.

I’m not deluded - He has a penchant for being ‘nice’ to everyone, including his exes. He quite seriously wants me to believe that he was trying to be nice to his ex because she was so distraught about him not coming back to her. I can see a wonderful life with him. But bottom line is he cheated and I’m not a doormat. This is so hard.

Let him believe what he likes. You can make him believe whatever you like. Or pretend to believe him... But walk away from him op.

Today's news is tomorrow's chip paper

I used to think like you. I had the parental judgement too and I got married - it was a shit marriage. I got into shit relationship after shit relationship. Some people victim blame or say their boundaries aren’t strong etc or aren’t reading red flags etc but although sometimes there may be elements of this - total
bollox to most of it - most single men I know treat women badly hence the reason they are single. I was worried for a long time raising my daughter as a singleton.

my daughter had a teenager love interest and he seems like a lovely lad and then he criticised her gcse choices saying ‘you are the brightest in own year and yet you chose Spanish French and RE - why does anyone choose RE?’ And told her she had made a mistake and should have done business - her reply ‘you might not have meant to cause offence but you have - your gcse choices are not any better than mine- I want to be a doctor two languages and religion gcse opens the door to volunteer work overseas and widens my knowledge. ‘ he sort of ghosted her and she said to me ‘you taught me to stand up for myself and know I don’t need someone to be complete’

he Is not devouted to you - he didn’t slip and put his penis in her by accident - he lied 🤥 and he lead her on and his it from you - he didn’t give you a chance not to waste you last 2 years.

I would actually say as little as possible.

accommodation. First
take a small leave of absence or holiday if one is due
cancel the wedding

repeat - x cheated and lied to me and that’s not a boundary I can accept being broken

spin it around

you taught me to value my own self worth a cheating lying man willing to possibly get someone else pregnant or get a sti - my value is more.

I didn’t do anything wrong

I didn’t do anything wrong

yes people make mistakes this wasn’t a mistake this was a choice he made which tells me his character

i understand what you say about your parents - minimise contact grey rock

therapy not because you have done anything wrong but it will validate your feelings and build up your self esteem.

after my ex I met a lovely man through church - everyone loved him - he was a two timing rat and gaslit me for months - did I fail no - I got out quick and disentangled myself. Arse. Do I blame me no I blame him.

will he do the right thing and move on elsewhere ?

Honey, I think we have found the answer to how you keep ending up with a poor choice in men.

Get counselling when the dust settles a bit and really focus on unpicking these horrible attitudes that will have been instilled in you from a young age.

You haven't messed anything up, just remember that.

And it's great that you're so aware of yourself and that you know you need to leave.

The only one who should be embarrassed about anything is him.

You can't live your life unhappy whilst trying to please others (such as your parents). This is YOUR life.

Postpone the wedding. Take time out.
He isn't a nice guy. He didn't sleep with his ex because he was being nice to her. That's ducking bollocks.
Work is easily dealt with and it will be easier than you fear. This isnt on you.
However, your parents are a different thing. You will need to manage that.

But do not marry this man. Divorce further down the line is not the easier option.

Apply for a posting far away from your parents and your cheating fiancé. Start afresh.

It all seems such a lot but divide and conquer.
Work out your priorities in a to do list and work through it.
Yes, work will be a gossip fest for a while but HE is the wrong-doer, not you.
You cannot live your life for your parents —- they chose their life, you choose yours. Just tell them you found out things about him which meant you couldn’t marry him. No more information needed.

OP you know you don't want to carry on. And I know it'll be hard with your parents but sadly at some point, they will be gone and you'll have the decisions you made now to still live with.

I have a friend who had to move to the other side of the world just to get away from the pressure of her parents and their expectations on her and relationships. She has secret boyfriends even though she's 30 and a specialist professional.

You need to turn this back to your parents, and if safe to do so, help them to understand that the pressure they put on you means that everything is rushed and not natural to its timeline.

You are in a fantastic position to start again, and you don't know what is round the corner for you!

Oh love, it does sound hard. Being as kind as possible to your parents they may want to see you married and settled because they want you to be secure in your future. Or because they have their own generational cultural hangovers from their parents. They probably have reasons in their mind anyway.

BUT that's no excuse for them giving you a hard time over this. And you dont have to tolerate it. You're amazing setting this boundary with your ex, cheating is unacceptable and its a line you won't allow a partner to cross. That's fantastic. You now need to look at the boundaries you have with your parents and apply the same determination there.

I'm sure it's complex, family relationships are, but you sound like a pretty strong woman. You are clear in your boundaries, competent and capable in your work, and brave enough to travel overseas to do it. You can do this thing too, and take the experience, and build it into your foundations, and come out even stronger. And your parents ought to be bloody proud of you. If you were my daughter I certainly would be.