Total total fuck up

[Rottenapples]

I’ve NCed. I can’t bear the thought of anyone finding previous posts of mine gushing about my relationship.

I’ve just found out my partner slept with his ex 9 months into our relationship. We’ve been together 3 years, very happy, over the moon to be getting married. It’s 3 months to our wedding.

I don’t really need ‘get your ducks in a row’ practical advice. We have no children yet. I’m completely 100% financially independent. I’ll be fine.

But what on earth do I do? I’m a diplomat posted overseas. We are a tight community where you socialise with your colleagues and their spouses. The engagement was well publicised and everyone knows about it. We will have to ask work to move us to separate quarters and then go back to work and face people the next day. And go to parties where everyone will know what’s happened. I don’t want to leave early. I can’t bear the thought of being alone in London either.

And I can’t tell my parents. We are South Asian. They were mortified enough that I got to 30 unmarried. I finally worked up the guts and brought someone home to them and 5 months later we are breaking up.

And we’ve sent the invites. I’ve bought a dress. What do I tell people? I’m just so sad. I’ve fucked up really badly, haven’t I?

You've had lots of great advice here. Just re: the work angle, you must be aware that affairs at Post are not unheard of. It will be managed sensitively and after the initial surprise things will settle down. It sounds like he works there too? If not, he'll be sent home. I've been at a Post where a couple split - it was old news very quickly.

The fact is op, you are 31. You make your own decisions in life, not your parents. Part of the reason you may be picking these assholes is parental/cultural pressure to be with someone. But the truth is that being single is far better than being with a shitty human being.

You tell your parents that you split up because he was a dickhead and that you've no wish to discuss it further. And that if they can't support you kindly then it's best they don't talk about him with you at all. If they start on you...leave the concersation/room/house/whole relationship.

Toxic people don't belong in your life. And that's clearly the lesson life is trying to teach you - to choose yourself.

It's heartbreaking that you offered up the engagement as though it was a gift to make up for bad behaviour.

You will never please your parents, OP. It's your life - they live their life and you have the right to live yours.

You deserve someone really lovely, not a lying cheat.

I know it happens all the time. And it’s all that anyone gossips about for months - this is a hostile Post with not much else to do. He’s a diplomat at another mission. We both have about 2 yrs left. I’m in his housing, I’ll need to ask to move onto the UK platform. It’s just all too much.

Ps: you didn't fuck up, you're not psychic. Nor are you responsible for what another person does with their private parts.

But recognise that there may be a pattern of you being codependent with your parents. If they act like children and throw tantrums when you do anything they don't like, it's not your job to placate them. It's your job to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships like that.

As for what other ppl say, any decent ppl will think- good on you, for telling him to jog on when you found out what he was up to. It's not embarrassing for you, it's embarrassing for him.

So long as you act strong, people will believe it.

Sorry this was to @BurningGubbins

The fuck up would be marrying a cheater, not getting rid of one.

Ab this is entirely his fk up.

And you are putting way too much upon your shoulders expecting to be psychic about cheating etc.

Ppl cheat out of the blue in decades long marriages, their spouses have known them decades ... were they supposed to be psychic?
That's totally unrealistic

MIndset change needed. Celebrate that you found out now and not after the wedding. I know - easier said than done. But try to remind yourself that he fucked up - but you have not. You are so, so fortunate to have discovered this now - when you are still unmarried. You are still financially independant. Imagine having found this out after the wedding? Maybe after children? After you had stopped working for a few years?

I get you won't feel fortunate right now. And would have been way more fortunate if he hadn't been a cheating twat. but bet you anything you will have a "Thank fuck" moment in a few months time.

The rest - the gossip/the accomodation/the parents - yes you have to deal with. But deal with them with a "Fuck, I am lucky" mindset. Relieved laughs to the gossips. "I know it's a shocker mum, but I am so glad I found out now - aren't you?" Fake it til you make it.

This is not your fault.

It definitely comes across that you’re more worried about your parents than you are breaking up with your finance.
You have your boundaries set with men but need to get that in place with your parents.
💐

Itll be alright soon xxxx

Seems to me you're most worried about your parents, then work gossip, then where you'll live.

If you were my friend, I'd volunteer to sort a few things out for you.

Firstly, to be there for you when you tell your parents. You could plan that, what to say, how long to give them to rant, how to exit the call and some after care. And manage calls with them for a few months, as they pose risk to you.

Then the wedding needs to be called off. Friends can do that.

Then you need to quietly move. Quickly, and I'd hide away for a bit, work hard, go home, keep busy, plenty of time to think.

You see what the common theme is? A friend to lean on. And I'd gather my trusted work colleagues around too. You dont have to go down with this. It's not ideal by any stretch, but marriage is a big deal and he's fucked it up.

It might not seem like it, but moving onto the UK platform will make things easier. Yes you will have to have some awkward conversations to make it happen but then you'll move and you won't need to see him.
And honestly, there will be another drama that the gossips will move on to. Don't worry about them, it won't change the situation, and neither will beating yourself up about it. You wouldn't think any less of a colleague who got themselves out of the wrong relationship, would you? He is the shitbag and they will know it.
Deep beaths and focus on the things you can control. And don't forget that there's a lot of support available from work too, not just colleagues but the wellbeing offer too.

@Rottenapples , please read @SkoolShoes post til you know it by heart.
My colleague knew as she was about to walk down the aisle that she didn't want to get married. But she saw her parents and went ahead. Her parents are dead now and she's still stuck with thee idiot.
( She's not 'stuck', but she won't do anything. So sad. One life, op,one life ).

Well at least you haven't married him and you don't sound like you will. Don't let family pressure/ worries about what ppl will think force you into marrying him.

Your parents will come around, if they don't and I mean it, feck em! I know there are cultural things going on there that I really don't understand but surely they will want what is best for their DD and that is not marrying a man who will most likely cheat.

With regards work colleagues, it is him that needs to be worried about gossip. Not you, you didn't do anything wrong.

My heart does go out to you though, what an awful thing to find out 3 months before your wedding.

If your parentsts would want you to marry someone who cheats on you just so you are married then you honestly would be better off if they did stop speaking to you!

Firstly you haven't fucked up at all. So why should you feel you can't say or do anything. Let's face it. You can't trust him now and he's proven even though he had you he wanted more. A man who wants more than he can have is usually one to keep exes around and perhaps have a few women online lined up too for ego boosts. They don't ever change.

Forget what your parents think. Forget what people say. Forget what was expected of you qnd live your life for you. People get over things. if your parents can't understand why you don't want to marry a cheat who was still involved too far with an ex then they are not decent parents.

People make mistakes. But some mistakes show the type of person they are. Everytime you go through a tough patch. Or he's not as attracted to you he has a risk of getting validation and sex elsewhere.

You obviously have a great career and wonderful job. Tell your parents the truth or not - it doesn't matter - whatever makes life easier for you. Just be casual to everyone about the break up - say, with a smile, you're sorry about the invite but you both need more time at the moment and want to focus on your careers etc - smile a lot. Appear happy and casual. Avoid the dramas and crush any tittle tattle, if you can.

It's not you that's fucked up.

Your parents' reaction to you being betrayed by your fiancé will be to give you hell? Wow. They are the problem, not you.

This all sounds incredibly stressful, but you have an amazing opportunity here. Clearly you need to ditch the DP - you can't marry him. So yes, that will be stressful, but so will the alternative - more so, and for far longer.

You also need to re-evaluate your relationship with your parents. 'Cultural factors' are used as an excuse for all sorts of unacceptable behaviour. You are an intelligent, independent, professional, motivated woman - you don't need to allow people to transgress your boundaries, whoever they are and whatever the cultural context. Work out what you need from them and insist upon it, or you withdraw. They can't treat you that way unless you allow them.

So, go back to square one. Identify all the things in your life that are unacceptable and make you unhappy. Use the turmoil of this situation to make a clean sweep and build a life that brings you joy. You have so much going for you. Harness the strength that you have focused on your professional life and use it in your relationship. You deserve this.

Wow, walk away from him and your parents. Your parents are emotionally abusing you.

you need to break free from them and their attitude towards you.

if I was your mum I would be so proud that you aren’t sticking by a cheat and that you are independent and do not rely on anyone.

No advice to add to the above but I will tell you that I am no contact with my parents and that is so freeing. Also I only met my husband when I was mid thirties so please don't think it's ever too late.

I'm an Asian woman too and I ended a relationship due to similar circumstances around 11 years ago. The wedding was booked and everything was planned. I felt really embarrassed even though it's him who should have been embarrassed. But now I'm happily married and I count my lucky stars that I didn't go through with the wedding just to save face.

It really doesn't matter what other people think because they don't have to live your life. You should be proud that you refuse to let someone walk over you.

I get why you're so daunted by what needs to be done to extricate yourself OP, that fear keeps so many of us stuck in miserable lives. The trouble is, if you don't go now it only gets more daunting the more enmeshed your lives become. A move onto the UK platform and your parents reaction if you split now will seem a doddle looking back if you go ahead and marry him and then have to divorce later on (because he's still a liar) possibly with kids in the mix. It seems hard now but you will realise it was the easy option if you stay, please don't let fear drive you further into something you already know is going to damage you. And can I suggest you visit the Stately Homes thread (on this board, titled April 2022-well we took you to Stately Homes) for some support re your parents, the posters there will give you strength and tactics to deal with their reaction.

If your parents would rather you marry someone who endangered your health by casual sex then they do not have your best interests at heart.

Definitely not your issue, you've acted in good faith.

Why on earth do you think you've fucked up? He has royally fucked up! Please don't just marry him for appearances. You need to be honest and cancel the wedding if anyone asks why (and they will) I'd calmly tell them he cheated and hold your head high. He's an absolute arse and does not deserve you.

I wouldn't worry about your taste in men or learning to judge them - learn to live with yourself and like yourself for you.

I’m so grateful for the advice on this thread. For the poster who said I care more about work and my parent than the break up, I know it reads like that. I am devastated about the break up but that’s a given, what choice do I have but to deal with it. But the parents and work situation will just make my life so much more hellish and miserable then it already is that it’s making me seriously consider just going through with it and leaving the divorce to deal with down the line when it happens again.

And yes, he is the type to keep his exes around as ‘friends’. And come to their rescue when they need ‘emotional support’. And sleep with them.