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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No more sex. Ever

59 replies

OvOvO · 13/05/2022 22:48

I've been married 25 years. DH is 8 years younger than me and he has just told me he is no longer interested in sex. I AM still wanting a sex life and intimacy. He is pretty much full time in the spare room and I'm in our double bed alone.

I feel so lonely.

OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 17/05/2022 15:23

I hope you don't pester him for it or have got moody with him as a result

Have you tried lightening his load and pulling your weight so perhaps his back isn't as painful and he is up for it?

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 17/05/2022 15:29

Is it sex he doesn't want or you that he doesn't want?

Is he loving/affectionate/thoughtful/interested in you
or is the removal to the spare room part of a removal from your whole life?
If he no longer loves you (and has cut you out of his life in a sort of secret divorce) this is the thing you both need to address.

No-one has to have sex if they don't want to - even if married.

However being in a sexless relationship when you do want sex should not be compulsory either. It is an important part of life and of marriage.

If not wanting sex is the problem but you still have a relationship, you two do need to address this problem together and come to a conclusion you can both live with. If he loves you, he won't want you to be lonely forever. You won't want to cause him pain.

OvOvO · 17/05/2022 20:38

Oh my word thank you everyone for your insightful replies - much appreciated if not daunting.

OP posts:
OvOvO · 17/05/2022 20:44

I have no interest in finding a FwB because I love and really fancy my DH. Also after being with the same man for 25 years where would one start! Blush
We are and always have been best friends and I don't want to lose that but I DO miss the sex.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/05/2022 20:48

It's one of those things that you have to decide on whether it's a deal-breaker or not. Whether it's open relationship territory or not.

If my husband told me no more, I would end it. Then we both have the chance to find what we're looking for in a partner.

OvOvO · 17/05/2022 21:07

It's so difficult because at my age I suppose my sex drive should be waning and I hate to drip feed but 6 years ago I had a cancer scare which meant having a total hysterectomy. DH was a rock but I'm not allowed HRT.

OP posts:
DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/05/2022 21:38

It sounds like you suspect the back problems are not the "real" reason, because if he valued your sex life, he'd prioritise seeking help for his back and exploring ways to work around his back problems. If you love someone then you want them to be happy, generally, and surely you would hope he'd at least want to explore options with you.

It's fairly common for men to lose libido in middle age even without there being any physical problem, or excessive porn use, or an affair. A friend saw a sex therapist about loss of male libido, and apparently a substantial portion of the clients were men in this situation. In some cases it's the result of other problems in the relationship, or loss of attraction, and in those cases both partners might feel quite differently in a new relationship.

You might find the Dead Bedrooms board on Reddit helpful. There are many people on there who can empathise and some have managed to revive a sexless relationship. If you search mumsnet for "sexless relationship" you'll find plenty of threads, mostly by women whose partners don't want sex.

It sounds like your DH is ready for slippers and companionship, but you're full of life and want to enjoy a full relationship with him. It's such a shame. I hope you don't settle for this; you're a long time dead. I had long periods of feeling unwanted by my ExH and I look back now at those long, lonely nights, feeling that my love was wasted on a man who didn't want all of me. It took a long time to end things properly. I'm now 50-ish and enjoying a relationship with someone who I have such joyous fun with, and I wish I had called time on my marriage sooner.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/05/2022 21:46

OvOvO · 17/05/2022 21:07

It's so difficult because at my age I suppose my sex drive should be waning and I hate to drip feed but 6 years ago I had a cancer scare which meant having a total hysterectomy. DH was a rock but I'm not allowed HRT.

Attitudes to HRT after cancer are changing; it is worth looking into. https://www.balance-menopause.com/menopause-library/029-life-after-breast-cancer-kirsty-lang-and-dr-louise-newson/ This podcast on life after breast cancer and Been through Breast Cancer - did someone mention menopause? booklet may be interesting.

Catullus5 · 18/05/2022 01:29

Given that the OP's husband is in his late 40s he will no longer be the sex monster he probably would have been, comparatively speaking, in his 20s. His innate desire will have declined, so will his ability to get and maintain an erection, his physical sensitivity will have declined and so will his ability to 'stay' in the mood. So if he is suffering from regular pain, a twang of the back could easily kill his desire stone dead and - more importantly - the frustration this causes may explain why he doesn't want to try - he will not have enough of a sexual response to overcome this.

I cannot believe people are making poorly considered, speculative remarks about porn or affairs when the OP has given no paticular reason to doubt that her DH really does have back pain.

The extent of it isn't clear but I will add that my DW suffered from chronic pain (different reason) for quite a few years. Sex had to be off the agenda at times. That was fine by me because I wanted to support her. But I think if she'd wanted sex to stop permanently she'd still have been willing to try other things, ie, non-penetrative. OP, perhaps your answer lies in that direction. I would never have considered leaving her because I would have felt like a right skunk.

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