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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No more sex. Ever

59 replies

OvOvO · 13/05/2022 22:48

I've been married 25 years. DH is 8 years younger than me and he has just told me he is no longer interested in sex. I AM still wanting a sex life and intimacy. He is pretty much full time in the spare room and I'm in our double bed alone.

I feel so lonely.

OP posts:
blueagain · 14/05/2022 15:30

What are you going to do OP?

LondonQueen · 14/05/2022 15:31

I couldn't live with that.

hopesaysnope · 14/05/2022 15:36

Same position OP, my I'm 23 and my H is a few years older than me

pancakes222 · 14/05/2022 17:00

PermanentTemporary · 14/05/2022 10:02

Bloody hell pancakes. That's a massive deal. How are you feeling about it?

I don't have a massive sex drive but I do miss having intimacy even if it was just occasionally and that feeling wanted in a sexual way. We still have cuddles and share baths together which is nice, it's just the actual physical element that's missing. We have had a few heated discussions about it but he's just said if he doesn't want to then he doesn't want to 'fake it' with me and just go through the motions which I suppose I don't want him to do either? I want him to want to do it and I suppose I can't really force that? I don't know what the answer is. My DS is 3 in June and so I wonder if things will get better when the kids are older? The longer we go without the more it becomes normal not to which is sad 😔

noborisno · 14/05/2022 17:25

SullyB · 14/05/2022 07:15

Ask him if he is happy with turning a blind eye

Hell no would I live like this, nobody gets to unilaterally decide on celibacy for another person and then expect them to stick to it because of a marriage contract

But are you supposed to have sex even though you don't want to?

I find these threads interesting. I have a very low sex drive, I do feel bad on my husband, who is younger than me and wants it all the time, but what can I do? I DO have sex when I don't want it but wouldn't want to do that too often. And really should I do it at all?

Can we expect someone to have sex even though it's not what they want? Talk about touched out.

I know the regular answer is he must find the source, but what if there is no source, or it's just simply he doesn't want sex. Some people are asexual completely right?

DogsAndGin · 14/05/2022 17:28

Dear me. It’s a bit young for that! Maybe suggest therapy?

dumdumduuuummmmm · 14/05/2022 17:34

SullyB · 14/05/2022 07:15

Ask him if he is happy with turning a blind eye

Hell no would I live like this, nobody gets to unilaterally decide on celibacy for another person and then expect them to stick to it because of a marriage contract

Either person has the right to unilaterally decide there will be no more sex in the relationship. The other person then has every right to decide if this new arrangement is one they are will to live with. It may be hard but sometimes relationships are not meant to go on any longer if both parties are not happy.

CornishGem1975 · 14/05/2022 18:07

Dealbreaker for me. I just wouldn't be willing to live the rest of my life like that.

Hawkins001 · 14/05/2022 18:22

All the best op

Moser85 · 14/05/2022 18:33

SullyB · 14/05/2022 07:15

Ask him if he is happy with turning a blind eye

Hell no would I live like this, nobody gets to unilaterally decide on celibacy for another person and then expect them to stick to it because of a marriage contract

OP has the choice to end the relationship.

I'm assuming he's not going to force her to stay married to him if she wants to get out.

elfies · 14/05/2022 19:09

Could he have prostate cancer and not be telling you

Dad808 · 15/05/2022 01:34

Get to the root cause of what's happening through talking. There's something much deeper going on, people just don't stop wanting to have sex.

Don't listen to advise about seeking sex elsewhere, focus on healing your husband (whatever it may be(, I wish you the best

BillyNoLates · 15/05/2022 06:18

Sadly I don't think this will get better OP. Did he ever have much of a sex drive?

If he agrees you can have FWB then that may work, but if not then perhaps time to end the marriage.

cosmicbabe · 15/05/2022 09:45

I hate to say it but he's probably met someone younger and is sleeping with them?

Catullus5 · 16/05/2022 19:47

Weatherwax13 · 14/05/2022 07:30

The cause of this scenario is often excessive porn use.
Idk if that's something you've considered.
Another possibility is that he's developed plain old ED issues and doesn't want to tell you/talk to a doctor out of embarrassment. I've heard that some blokes literally end their sex lives rather than admit it and seek help.
Whatever the issue he owes you an honest conversation. Not ridiculous excuses.
Sexless relationships can only work if you both want that.
I don't blame you for feeling really hurt.
I think you have to insist upon the truth.

Golly😲 I have heard that porn use might make you go blind, but this is the very first time I've heard the claim that it gives you a bad back.

Dillydollydingdong · 16/05/2022 19:54

You'll just have to have a serious talk with him and ask what he suggests for you. Does he expect you to find a fwb? Or a lover? Or does he want to separate? Or maybe he can satisfy you in a way that doesn't Involve him hurting his back (fingers?) If he doesn't care about your enjoyment and fulfillment, can you really carry on like this for the next 20 years?

DixonD · 17/05/2022 00:02

ExtraOnion · 14/05/2022 08:49

You can still be physically intimate, and really close, without having sex.

DH and I don’t have “full sex” much anymore (been together 20 years). We still kiss, and hug .. and do loads of other lovely physically intimate things, and we get on brilliantly …we just don’t have much intercourse.

I can fully understand why a lack of any physical intimacy would be a problem.

This is great for you, but for someone that really enjoys sex, actual sex, this just wouldn’t cut it.

I don’t know what the answer is OP. My DH doesn’t want sex as much as I do (currently every 2 months 😢) but if I try to talk to him about it, I get accused of pressuring him and it has the desired effect (shuts me up!). No one wants to pressure anyone into sex. Sex is no fun unless you’re both 100% into it.

I guess if he won’t get help, you have to decide whether or not forced celibacy is something you can live with. For your one life. Forever.

DixonD · 17/05/2022 00:03

cosmicbabe · 15/05/2022 09:45

I hate to say it but he's probably met someone younger and is sleeping with them?

Yes, that HAS to be it.🤔🙄

Bunty55 · 17/05/2022 00:18

What was your sex life like before he decided it was all over OP ? Is there a backstory to this because if he is sleeping elsewhere I bet he is up to something whether that be watching porn and wanking or having an affair.

At his age as well? Something is fishy here

CherryBlossomAutumn · 17/05/2022 00:24

I used to think that talking or saying that you have sexual needs was the way to sort this. However I think there is another better way.

Seduce him. To the point of having sex but just leave it there. So no pressure. Tell him you completely respect that he has a back problem and some things will just be a no go.

Seduce him by just naturally following through with your love. Read his signs. It’s very rare that a relationship never has any small signs of intimacy, even holding hands or a hug, a brief kiss. If he is still open to those tiny small things, then passion can grow out of them. Take the reins.

If you do still want to be with him, love him and feel he gives you a lot otherwise in the relationship, then I’d try make this work. But not with words, with action.

Aaron69 · 17/05/2022 01:21

OvOvO · 13/05/2022 22:48

I've been married 25 years. DH is 8 years younger than me and he has just told me he is no longer interested in sex. I AM still wanting a sex life and intimacy. He is pretty much full time in the spare room and I'm in our double bed alone.

I feel so lonely.

Have an affair. It's an exhilarating experience, but not without it's complications. If your hubby can't provide, find someone who can. It's not about being unfaithful - actually it's about being faithful. Most people want to stay with their partner even if they can't provide sexual fulfilment. That's because the relationship is worth more than sex. But that doesn't mean you are sexually dead. Sometimes we have another who can give you the sex you need, then you can commit emotionally to your long term partner without the stress of sacrificing your sexuality.

It sounds bad but is very good. For example, since the introduction of prostitution in Australia, divorce rates dropped 12%. I'm not saying find a prostitute, but the principle remains. Find a sexual partner and your long term partner has more of a chance. If they increase their sexual encounter with you then dropping the "friend with benefits" is much easier. Handled right it's a win win situation, just never mix your affair life with your real love. Never communicate by text, email or phone. Be 100% careful because your partner's feelings are so incredibly fragile - you can never underestimate! They are the one you want to die with, or die looking after. These other ones are just temporary relief.

Only one life. Nothing wrong with temporary love. But you can't be too cavalier either- it takes balance and finesse.

EBearhug · 17/05/2022 01:45

Has he tried doing anything about his back? Has he seen a GP about it? It could be that if he's got chronic back pain, it does mean other things are too painful (not just sex,) but my sympathies would vary according to whether he's had it looked at and tried treatments - again, not just for sex. Back pain can make many areas of life difficult.

Did he offer any other solutions? Hands, tongues, toys? FWB? How far does his no sex go? I would still want hugs and kisses and bodily contact, but I can understand some might pull back from that, too, in case it leads to expecting more.

Anyone had the right yo decide they don't want sex again, but if they're in a relationship, they should also consider what this means for their partner, especially if they do want sex, and to think about ways that this incompatibility can be managed, what boundaries there are. I know iw of a relationship where he ended up in a wheelchair after an accident - they agreed that she could get sex elsewhere, but not to discuss it at home, and that worked for them for a couple of decades or so; it probably wouldn't work for others. I know you don't want to start another relationship, but it is one possibility among others, and you need to talk about possible solutions together. If he just won't even talk about it, thst probably would be a dealbreaker for me.

melcalfe · 17/05/2022 12:19

He either doesn't fancy you, is gay, or has a medical issue preventing him to have sex/libido.

A man with a sex drive would still be craving sexual contact even if he was non mobile with his back. The blood still flows to the penis, wanting relief.

Barnabee · 17/05/2022 14:33

lassof · 13/05/2022 23:00

just get out there and find some friends with benefits. you can keep your marriage and husband but there's no need to give up your sex life.

This is a stupid comment. Do not to this

Midlifemusings · 17/05/2022 15:10

There was just a similar thread recently where a woman no longer wanted sex and the responses were that no should expect sex in a relationship, that if sex is the dealbreaker then he never really loved her, and that he has a hand he can use for himself.

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