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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No more sex. Ever

59 replies

OvOvO · 13/05/2022 22:48

I've been married 25 years. DH is 8 years younger than me and he has just told me he is no longer interested in sex. I AM still wanting a sex life and intimacy. He is pretty much full time in the spare room and I'm in our double bed alone.

I feel so lonely.

OP posts:
Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 13/05/2022 22:51

Is this the first conversation you've had about this? Can you talk to him and ask him why?

If he says that he no longer desires it and its a deal breaker for you then you are no longer compatible and need to end the relationship and move on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2022 22:54

Does he no longer want sex or sex with you? Sorry it that sounds harsh.

Do you want to split up? Do you want to discuss each seeing other people?

What are his reasons?

Original poster
OvOvO · 13/05/2022 22:56

He says his back hurts. I don't want to move on and find a new partner after all this time.
I'm the older one in the relationship it should have been me losing interest - menopause etc

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2022 22:59

What help is he getting for his back? How long has that been an issue?

lassof · 13/05/2022 23:00

just get out there and find some friends with benefits. you can keep your marriage and husband but there's no need to give up your sex life.

TraceyLacey · 13/05/2022 23:04

Is he having sexual function issues he doesn't want to address so is blaming back pain?

Original poster
OvOvO · 13/05/2022 23:07

The back thing has been an issue all his life .
Never bothered him when he wanted sex in those early days. I am 100% sure there is no affaire happening, just so sad that I still feel young and want sex!

OP posts:
Original poster
OvOvO · 13/05/2022 23:08

I am 56 and he is 48

OP posts:
easyday · 13/05/2022 23:19

This would be a deal breaker for me. Either he finds a source for his lack of libido or it's over. I could probably live without full intercourse but not without the cuddling and other intimate moments.

OnlyClothes · 13/05/2022 23:22

I couldn’t live like that. Is it worth investigating his back problems or is he just using it as an excuse and he simply doesn’t like sex? Does he want to see his GP re his testosterone levels or anything?

Its one thing to be celibate, but when a spouse decides to be celibate it puts the other spouse in an impossible situation.

Moser85 · 13/05/2022 23:53

As upsetting as it must be, he's done the right thing by being completely honest that he doesn't want to have sex again instead of fobbing you off and making you think the issue might be resolved.

At least now you can make a decision based on that.
Personally I wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 14/05/2022 07:01

Is he in chronic pain?, there was an article on the BBC website about that the other day.
agree with PP, he is being honest with you, your choice to stay or go.

blueagain · 14/05/2022 07:11

This is so tough for you. I think you have to move on and find someone who does want sex with you

SullyB · 14/05/2022 07:15

Ask him if he is happy with turning a blind eye

Hell no would I live like this, nobody gets to unilaterally decide on celibacy for another person and then expect them to stick to it because of a marriage contract

PermanentTemporary · 14/05/2022 07:22

Agree with asking whether this is the first time he's mentioned it.

Do you love him?

I think I'd ask him, if his back weren't an issue, whether he could see things changing.

And then I'd think about it. I do love sex and dread the enforced ending of my sex life but going outside the marriage even if he would agree to it is a BIG deal.

Strawberrydelight55 · 14/05/2022 07:23

My ex had a severe back problem amongst other stuff. We had sex around 10 times in our relationship of around a year. The sex stopped after a couple of months. He basically couldn't have Me on tip and he couldn't do the thrusting about.

But what I never could understand was he never touched me anymore either. Without being too graphic you can still use hands but also you can still kiss and cuddle your partner..I'm not saying you'd be in the mood if you was in agony. But my ex didn't give me any intimate attention in the end. It was hard.

We've split up because he was an all rounder in emotional abuse too.but I know how you feel. When we stopped bein intimate there was an inevitable ending not far ahead.

Wallywobbles · 14/05/2022 07:30

We are in our 50s no sign of sex stopping. Is he happy for you to look elsewhere?

Weatherwax13 · 14/05/2022 07:30

The cause of this scenario is often excessive porn use.
Idk if that's something you've considered.
Another possibility is that he's developed plain old ED issues and doesn't want to tell you/talk to a doctor out of embarrassment. I've heard that some blokes literally end their sex lives rather than admit it and seek help.
Whatever the issue he owes you an honest conversation. Not ridiculous excuses.
Sexless relationships can only work if you both want that.
I don't blame you for feeling really hurt.
I think you have to insist upon the truth.

Iwonder08 · 14/05/2022 08:14

Fuck all the ' do you love him'. He knows it is important to you and he doesn't want to address the medical problem. It is selfish. He just made the decision for both of you that impacts many more years of your life. I would be very angry.
Do try to make him see that he should consider the impact on you.

ExtraOnion · 14/05/2022 08:49

You can still be physically intimate, and really close, without having sex.

DH and I don’t have “full sex” much anymore (been together 20 years). We still kiss, and hug .. and do loads of other lovely physically intimate things, and we get on brilliantly …we just don’t have much intercourse.

I can fully understand why a lack of any physical intimacy would be a problem.

wimpylittlebag · 14/05/2022 08:49

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wimpylittlebag · 14/05/2022 08:51

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pancakes222 · 14/05/2022 08:54

I'm in similar situation but we are in our 30s. DH doesn't want to have sex as says he doesn't enjoy it and is too scared that we will fall pregnant again to enjoy it regardless of any contraception.

PermanentTemporary · 14/05/2022 10:02

Bloody hell pancakes. That's a massive deal. How are you feeling about it?

Anothernick · 14/05/2022 14:14

Forcing celibacy on your DP breaches one of the key foundations of a relationship. Doing so in the way your DH has done it seems callous and uncaring, he should understand your frustration and ensure that a way can be found to deal with the issue. The obvious options have been mentioned further be up the thread. If he does not do this then you will need to consider whether you can stay with him.