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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Taking on a lover before divorce

54 replies

chopstickqueen · 13/05/2022 20:45

Hi,
I left my husband 6 months ago. He was emotionally/psychologically abusive, coercive, and also financially controlling. Communication is very fragile between us, we have two children, and also we are not divorced yet. It has been hell for me for many years and I actually feel better since we've separated, though I know I have more to come.
One nice thing that has happened is that I have started sleeping with an old friend. He's not expecting anything, just it sometimes happens, and is very nice, safe and loving for me: a treat after years of abuse and neglect.
I suppose my question is does anyone know whether it is prudent to ensure that this stays completely secret until the divorce is final, or does it not really matter? He isn't a new partner, just a safe person I occasionally have intimacy with. I cannot see how it could affect divorce, but I just want to make sure.
And to those who think I should have held off until divorced I would say nobody is perfect. I have been routinely starved of intimacy for a long time and it is nourishing me.
Thanks

OP posts:
LollyLol · 13/05/2022 20:47

Do you think it would antagonise your ex to know you have someone new in your life? He may make the divorce even more difficult if he finds out.

im happy for you having found some happiness

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2022 20:50

I wouldn't tell your ex anything about your personal life, before the divorce is finished or ever. The only thing you discuss is the children, period.

Original poster
chopstickqueen · 13/05/2022 20:50

Thank you!
Yes and no. Everything antagonises him, and it is hard to predict what will. He's one of those permanently disruptive, destructive abusive people.

OP posts:
Original poster
chopstickqueen · 13/05/2022 20:51

Good advice @Aquamarine1029 - so you think I don't have to stop but just don't tell him? I really am reluctant to give up my friend/lover, as it is the first joy I've had in years.

OP posts:
Undecidedandtorn · 13/05/2022 20:53

Good for you. I would keep quiet about it until the divorce is done

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2022 20:54

chopstickqueen · 13/05/2022 20:51

Good advice @Aquamarine1029 - so you think I don't have to stop but just don't tell him? I really am reluctant to give up my friend/lover, as it is the first joy I've had in years.

Why would you tell him? I don't understand why you'd even think you need to. Who you're have a relationship with, in any capacity, is none of his business. He lost his privilege of ever knowing anything about your personal life ever again. Treat him like a stranger. You wouldn't tell a stranger about your intimate life, would you?

Staynow · 13/05/2022 20:54

You've separated so there's nothing wrong in you seeing someone else. I would keep it quiet from ex for now just in case he turns nasty over it. It's none of his business who you see now. You deserve some happiness.

Original poster
chopstickqueen · 13/05/2022 20:56

Oh wow thanks ladies. This is great advice! I suppose that is the legacy of the abuse talking, I still feel frightened of him and beholden.

OP posts:
Giveitall · 13/05/2022 20:57

Be discrete. It’s the mature thing to do.
Its your private business but better to be careful until your divorce is through.

Original poster
chopstickqueen · 13/05/2022 20:57

You're giving me a very liberating perspective. I love mumsnet sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
chopstickqueen · 13/05/2022 20:59

@Staynow what do you think turning nasty over it would look like? I find that very hard to work out (perhaps because he's turned nasty over everything indiscriminately throughout our marriage, like me cooking dinner, or going to work)

OP posts:
Starseeking · 13/05/2022 20:59

You don't need to tell your EX anything you don't want to. Your new man is absolutely none of your EX's business, absolutely nothing to do with him.

Original poster
chopstickqueen · 13/05/2022 21:06

Those who have alluded to him 'turning nasty' what could this be? Would it just be nasty behaviour or could he do something more concrete, like use the fact of new lover (technically adultery before you're married) as a point of manoeuvre in divorce?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2022 21:31

chopstickqueen · 13/05/2022 21:06

Those who have alluded to him 'turning nasty' what could this be? Would it just be nasty behaviour or could he do something more concrete, like use the fact of new lover (technically adultery before you're married) as a point of manoeuvre in divorce?

Adultery is irrelevant in divorce proceedings, and you are formally separated. The court wouldn't give a shit who you're sleeping with.

As to what your ex is capable of, who knows, but you should already know that you should never give him a glimpse of your personal life. Ever. He's an abusive monster who will use anything to continue to be abusive. Don't tell him anything about anything. Not your work, your money, your friends, or your family matters. He is entitled to zero information about your life.

Original poster
chopstickqueen · 13/05/2022 21:34

Thank you, that's really useful. It has really helped me.

OP posts:
VickerishAllsort · 13/05/2022 21:37

Please don't worry that anything you do will have any effect on divorce proceedings or any financial agreement between you.
When I spoke to my solicitor about this he said that I could have shagged the entire band of the grenadier guards and it would make no difference, it would just prove that the relationship had broken down, which is all that counts.

Original poster
chopstickqueen · 13/05/2022 21:43

haha thanks @VickerishAllsort - your solicitor sounds like a good sort

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 13/05/2022 21:44

You owe your ex nothing and are entitled to your own happiness.Unless you've introduced your kids to a new partner and they've mentioned it to the your ex then he doesn't need to know.Also look up the grey rock technique to use with your ex.

Notonthestairs · 13/05/2022 21:50

Whatever fun you are having has nothing to do with your ex.

But don't merge finances or households. It might complicate your financial split.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2022 21:50

Something to remember regarding your ex, actually anyone, really...

Just because someone asks you a question, that doesn't mean you are required to answer it.

From this day forward, make a vow to yourself that you will never feel beholden to that man for anything. He isn't entitled to know anything about you anymore. If he asks a question you don't want to answer, tell him clearly that it's none of his business. Unless it's strictly about the children, don't talk to him, don't text back and forth, don't respond to emails. This man is nothing to you now. Make sure he's keenly aware of that.

GentlemanJay · 13/05/2022 21:51

I know someone in a similar situation. Announced to the ex he was going on holiday with a new female friend.

It was like pouring petrol onto a fire.

Original poster
chopstickqueen · 13/05/2022 21:53

Great advice @Aquamarine1029

OP posts:
Original poster
chopstickqueen · 13/05/2022 21:55

Yes I'm not planning a relationship or even a holiday, just a bit of discreet sex every now and then

OP posts:
Jumpking · 13/05/2022 21:55

Good for you. You keep it to yourself and have lots of fun and comfort.

I became intimate with a couple of men pretty soon after separating. After years of ex's crap, the sex was a breath of fresh air. Plus, as things got more acrimonious with the ex, sinking in their arms and having some grown up fun was such a tonic that I needed to get me through.

You enjoy your grown up time and remember it's nothing to do with your ex now. He's your ex, not your current.

myquicheisbetterthanyourquiche · 13/05/2022 21:57

You could have shagged your way around the world and it would still make no difference to your divorce settlement.

But you need to get your mind round the fact that a) you can do whatever you like; and b) you don't need to tell your former husband anything, ever, unless it directly concerns any shared children. He can ask all he likes, but you do not have to answer.

Once you get your mind round this (and I know it's not easy - been there, done that), it's enormously liberating.