Taking on a lover before divorce

[chopstickqueen]

Hi,
I left my husband 6 months ago. He was emotionally/psychologically abusive, coercive, and also financially controlling. Communication is very fragile between us, we have two children, and also we are not divorced yet. It has been hell for me for many years and I actually feel better since we've separated, though I know I have more to come.
One nice thing that has happened is that I have started sleeping with an old friend. He's not expecting anything, just it sometimes happens, and is very nice, safe and loving for me: a treat after years of abuse and neglect.
I suppose my question is does anyone know whether it is prudent to ensure that this stays completely secret until the divorce is final, or does it not really matter? He isn't a new partner, just a safe person I occasionally have intimacy with. I cannot see how it could affect divorce, but I just want to make sure.
And to those who think I should have held off until divorced I would say nobody is perfect. I have been routinely starved of intimacy for a long time and it is nourishing me.
Thanks

These responses are giving me a ginormous sense of freedom!

Are you in Scotland divorcing there OP?

No. Why?

A friend is getting divorced there and under certain circumstances it does make a difference, apparently. I'm not a legal expert so can't elaborate, I'm just flagging for those interested. Best of luck with your new life OP - wishing you much happiness and I hope you meet someone lovely.

Ah thanks for thinking of it. I'm in England.

It won't make a difference to your divorce, but it could make a pretty shitty transition even worse for all involved.

I don’t know the answer from a legal perspective but there are wiser people here than me. So I just wanted to say good for you and enjoy your new found freedom 😊

thanks @RockStarMartini!

@Overthewine Agreed.

A reverse of what? I assure you I am as it says a woman who has been through some horrible stuff and just checking it’s ok that - for once - I did something for myself & slept with a friend.

The biggest thing at will rile up a controlling ex is them finding out you're involved with someone else. If its just a non committal fwb arrangement then even less reason to tell them. What positive thing could it possibly achieve by telling them.

The only time you'd probably want to say something is before introducing a new partner to your children. Not to seek any kind of approval, just as a basic courtesy because it's better they hear it from you than via the kids. Just as you would want your ex to tell you about a new partner before introducing them to your kids.

Why on earth would you even think about telling him? The whole mindset is weird. He is your ex, only tell him what you really need to. That means anything important about the kids.

It's none of his business and abusive men will latch on to literally anything - real or imaginary - to excuse their behaviour.
So, as PP said, unless it's around arrangements for the children, don't share one single detail of your life.
I'm really glad you're breaking free of him and I've been there so I know it takes time to change your mindset around a man who's abused you.

I am in an amicable divorce and my private life is very private. I few friends know that I'm sleeping with people but that's it. It's none of his business, not now, not ever.

I'd hesitate in telling many people to be honest, not everyone's ready for a woman to take control of her sex life and it not be a traditional relationship.

I know though that I feel like screaming it from the rooftops, especially when my ex is being a bit of a dick!

Good for you op! Enjoy it, it's none of his business who you sleep with, you're free now xx

Absolutely none of his business, he may think so but you don't belong to him. Keep doing what your doing and enjoy yourself. I wouldn't mention anything until your divorce is settled.
Telling him afterwards is a great little nugget to look forward to.
" Oh and by the way Brian I've been having the most fantastic & satisfying sex with best lover ever" The memory of the look on his face will last you for decades 😆

Haha @Marineboy67! amazing

I wouldn't even tell him what you're having for dinner. None of his business and he would find a way to turn it against you.

Your not doing anything wrong. Your relationship with your husband is over, you're not together. It's good for you to have some intimacy and support.

I would not tell him about your private life. He has no need to know and it has a potential of complicating things, especially if your ex was abusive.

These messages have freed me from a lot of stress. I’m really glad I posted!

Be very discreet and most of all enjoy it!

Any impact on divorce settlement? Nope none whatsover

stress for you? Yes. Keep it to yourself and enjoy.

do you have children ie will this ex be in your life for the future?

Never give any information to someone like your ex.

Agree with everyone else, carry on, be discreet and enjoy! I did, and it got me through a long, difficult and acrimonious divorce.

My solicitor also said 'good for you'.