How do you feel when you argue?

[ScatteredMama82]

If my DH and I have a disagreement I get really anxious. When I get anxious it goes straight to my guts, I feel sick, I get diarrhoea. My heart races and I can’t concentrate on anything. It continues until we resolve it/make up.
It makes me irrational, I want disagreements resolved instantly and realistically I know that’s not going to happen.
It’s not normal to feel
this way is it?

I am exactly the same OP. It annoys me that I feel like this as I feel the need to resolve things straight away, rather than letting us both have time to cool down and think. It also makes me back down sometimes when I really don't want to. I will be watching responses to this with interest.

I’m a bit like this but it’s not just disagreements with my husband but all forms of conflict with anybody who’s opinion matters to me.
So my parents, colleagues I respect etc..
I hate being in disagreement with people I care about. It makes me feel ill.

It's actually a really normal reaction caused by increased cortisol and adrenaline levels - the stress and 'fight or flight' hormones. Everyone responds differently in conflict situations.

You can gain control over it, but it's hard work. I managed it when I realised my late husband was actually a master at gaslighting and after that he couldn't get that reaction from me any more, but it took me almost 7 years to get there. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I’m sorry you feel this way too. It’s horrible and like you, I end up giving in or apologising just to stop myself feeling like this.

I’m not like this with colleagues and I don’t really have conflict with my friends so I guess my husband is the only one I feel this way with.

You do realise you're both describing fear?

If you're afraid of your DHs then you need to leave (easier said than done). If you're afraid because of someone/something from your past, then I suggest working out who/what and resolving those feelings. This is assuming you don't have some sort of anxiety or other relevant condition you're not telling us about.

Disagreements aren't bad, we're not all the same and it's okay to be different and to think/feel differently to someone else. You don't have to be okayv with argueing, but that level of fear over just disagreeing on something isn't normal.

Hmm, I can feel a bit stressed but I am comfortable holding the feeling and wouldn’t apologise just to stop feeling that way. I only apologise if I feel like I was the one in the wrong.

I’m the same, no I tend to end up crying, looking othertic.

*pathetic

@XrayFish you are absolutely right. I feel this way because of my father, who is a lovely man but was a sergeant major through and through and was scary as all hell when angry. I was never scared of him, but I was very scared of his anger.

I have tried, with professional help, to work through it but never managed.

I feel so sick and scared when in a fight that I literally want to die to make the feeling go away.

See my logical head tells me that disagreements are normal. My subconscious is doing this to me though. I don’t know what it is.

I always feel bad after arguing. And yet, I need to argue because I'm right! And it's not just with my DH, it's with anyone. I even argue with my mum and she has dementia and, trust me, you can't win an argument with a dementia patient. So why don't I just stop arguing? Why isn't it enough to know I'm right and they're idiots? I dunno.

I have no bar to understand arguments with a partner. I've never argued with my previous 2 partners but have argued once with my current partner. I was very anxious because I didn't know what it meant.

You have an anxious attachment style, OP. Very normal. There are things you can do about it, too.

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/#:~:text=Adults%20with%20an%20anxious%20attachment,for%20their%20strong%20emotional%20needs.

We had words tonight. Rather, he did something that upset me, I told him why and he’s clearly upset too. He’s pottering around doing his normal stuff though and I’m like a cat on a hot tin roof. I can’t focus on anything but I know my DH and he needs time to think/absorb/process whatever so he will just be a bit quiet for a while (not silent treatment, just not his normal chatty self). I spend this whole time wishing I’d never said anything and just wanting to get back to normal with no atmosphere. My heart is pounding, I want to cry 😢

This is really helpful! Thank you x

I used to be like that and think it went back to my primary school days when my best friend would.ignore me and l didn't know what l had done wrong.
But now l am mid 40's, menopausal and don't give a shiny one if someone wants to ignore me - they can crack on.

ScatteredMama, I'm a bit like this but it's more when I argue with my mum. I become absolutely distraught and do go into full blown anxiety, shaking and feeling sick. With my husband, it's not too bad as I know we will resolve it once we talk it through. He is quite a safe space for me and he likes to resolve things very calmly, talk about our feelings and sort things out in a very healthy fashion. A fall out with my mum generally leads to her unleashing horrible character assassinations which really, really hurt me and/or the silent treatment (sometimes for months). It can feel terrifying actually. Me and my husband move past things well.

I second the comments about anxious attachment, OP – I know because I am like this too! Going to bed on an argument is agonising to me, as dramatic as that might sound to a lot of people, but some things need time to settle - it's good that you recognise that.

The book "Attached" by Dr. Amir Levine is really useful for understanding a bit more about attachment types and why you react the way you do during conflict. It does also talk a lot about finding a partner who 'compliments' your attachment type but that doesn't seem to be relevant here as you sound like you have a strong relationship, I hope you feel better soon 🙂

Maybe rather than focusing on wanting to "fix" the conflict right now, try and find ways to "self-soothe" your anxiety in the meantime.

I think we are a bad combination to be honest. I need instant reassurance, he withdraws and goes very cold.

He has an avoidant style.

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/

You have a common and very difficult pairing. The more he runs (his natural thing) the more you chase (your natural thing) You obsess, he thinks about something else.

I felt exactly the same as you for years with my ex. I do not think that this is "normal", I think it is because you are "scared" of his reaction. My ex would never listen properly and respectfully; he would get offensive, start invalidating my feelings and finally give me silent treatment. Eventually I would completely freeze and would not be able to voice any concern or arguments at all. I did manage to say one last time that I wanted to separate and that was that.

I think I'm a bit of a twat when I argue to be honest. I like to win, I don't tend to back down. Arguing never gets shouty, my OH says I can be cold when we disagree. I'm very good at switching my emotions off for the purpose of an argument.

Afterwards I tend to find it easy to carry on as normal

I don't this dynamic is sustainable personally.

I managed to stop behaving the way you describe yourself behaving after copious amounts of therapy and equally as importantly, subsequently only having a relationship if someone had an equally balanced approach to communication and potential conflict.

But easier said than done as obviously loads of (most?) people haven't done the work it takes to change their communication and conflict style. That's not it say everyone could / should, obviously, just that it can be a hugely beneficial thing to explore with a counsellor.

That was meant to say "I don't think this dynamic is sustainable personally."