How do you feel when you argue?

[ScatteredMama82]

If my DH and I have a disagreement I get really anxious. When I get anxious it goes straight to my guts, I feel sick, I get diarrhoea. My heart races and I can’t concentrate on anything. It continues until we resolve it/make up.
It makes me irrational, I want disagreements resolved instantly and realistically I know that’s not going to happen.
It’s not normal to feel
this way is it?

I want to suggest counselling but I’m scared that once the words are out there I can’t take them back. ‘I think we need counselling’ = ‘I think our marriage is in serious trouble’

Have you presented it as a question? 'We keep falling out - have you got any ideas what we could do about it?'

@ScatteredMama82

I want to suggest counselling but I’m scared that once the words are out there I can’t take them back. ‘I think we need counselling’ = ‘I think our marriage is in serious trouble’

Is it not, though? Would you rather continue to suffer and struggle, or give making it better a chance?

Can you have solo counselling to start with?

I've never had couples counselling but solo counselling about the specific issue of handling conflict helped me work on it / separate what is an individual mismatch with that particular person I was with at the time and what was an ongoing 'me' problem.

If we have an argument we both out our point of view across and it changes on who is more right or more wrong.

If either of us has to apologize that happens.

If we have to agree to disagree that happens.

And if we are in a state of stalemate that happens.

But we both feel listened to.
To be honest we thrive on lively debate. Otherwise life would be quite dull.

But feeling listened to, keeping the argument within the boundaries of the present subject matter, apologies both sides if needed, solution or impasse as a result.

Yeah I quite "enjoy" a good bicker. Always have. But I have a great bickering partner. It can be a stress reliever like tears.

Do I ever feel our relationship is in trouble? No.
Do I feel I can't say exactly what I want? No.
Does it affect me physically? No.

Yes I feel horrible when / after we've fought. It's horrible and I hate it.

I also get digestive issues OP.

Also I actually physically cannot take in anything that he is saying. If he shouts I can't take in one single word of what he is saying at all, which means then nothing is actually achieved by the argument!

I don't think it's healthy. I tend towards this too. It was a huge problem in past relationships because I would be with people who were abusive/manipulative and they would consciously or not use it against me because I'd tie myself in knots to end the conflict which usually meant taking responsibility.

I don't get it so much with DH. I used to be confused because arguing with him felt like arguing with my sister and then I realised that I didn't feel like the entire relationship was in jeopardy every time we disagreed about something. My sister didn't stop being my sister if we were angry with reach other. I didn't feel like we were in danger of breaking up every time we disagreed and it's helped me develop a more healthy attitude to conflict. I no longer feel completely crushed if I get something wrong at work, and while I do still get an anxiety response if I think DH is annoyed about something, it's much less strong and we can just talk about it without it being a big deal.

@BertieBotts

I think that's the thing. I was the same, very volatile relationships for a long time; I didn't even realise that relationships didn't have to be volatile!

But when you meet a partner who doesn't trigger your attachment style, it's very different. My partner and I are both anxious attachment types, so we re-assure each other a lot, and understand what it feels like to be triggered in that way. We are so lovely and calm, I've never known anything like it. We both want to talk things through straight away when we hit a hiccup, and can't leave it until it's resolved, so that works really well.

OP, you and your partner 'trigger' each other. If you can both understand this, and you both want to fix it, you can. The problem fixing it is usually with the avoidant partner, though, because they want to walk away and do something else, rather than talk through issues. Can you get him on board?

@Watchkeys I don't know, the thing is he's had a lot go on in the last year. His Dad passed away, he had a very difficult period at work (although that is now coming to an end). I feel like if I sit him down and present him with this now I'm adding to his woes. He's always been like this though, and so have I. It's not a new thing.

I do feel like my entire relationship is in jeopardy every time we fall out. It feels like a catastrophe. He does nothing to reassure me, he makes it worse.

I used to feel like this and like some others I'm neurodiverse. It's rejection sensitive disorder for me. Now I'm medicated and if dh starts an argument I respond as firmly and as assertively. I don't feel bad at all. It's quite liberating and also shuts him up 😂

It's not 'adding to his woes' though. You're not going to sit and tell him he's crap at having a relationship. You're going to talk to him about how the two of you can make things better, to decrease your woes, as a couple.

Having the relationship work isn't something that you want, against his wishes, is it?

This is the basis of an anxious attachment style: asking for what I want is too much, because me wanting to have my feelings recognised is me being troublesome. That's how it works. And then, because you daren't ask for your feelings to be considered, you can't trust, and you worry, and you feel like you've done something bad every time something goes wrong.

You're just having your feelings, and needing a calm relationship, like the rest of us do. As soon as you stop seeing your feelings as being a burden on the relationship, you'll be more securely attached. Validate yourself! Your feelings are allowed.

So if you have always been like this and you don't want to address progress and change with him work on yourself.

Think about it differently. All the times you have argued he hasn't walked away has he? If that is what your base fear is.

If you think he will walk away if you are assertive perhaps counselling for just you for the time being.

If you are not going to do anything then just accept you are going to feel awful after every argument.

Surely your husband doesn't want his wife to be physically ill after a disagreement? If he does that's not love.

What does this look like?

Really interested in hearing more about this.

My DH is like you, he gets the runs if we have a dispute. I just go in on myself and don’t feel like talking to anyone.

Rejection sensitivity is a recognised thing although rejection sensitive dysphoria, despite being talked about all over the internet, isn't a recognised medical disorder.

Rejection sensitivity is where you're overly sensitive to any kind of rejection or even perceived/possible rejection including disapproval. It can make somebody conflict averse because conflict may lead to rejection so it's very anxiety provoking or scary.

It's common in people with neurodiversity because we tend to make a lot of social mistakes due to not really understanding social rules, or just come across as "weird" or annoying to other people, and most neurodivergent people have also experienced a lot of disapproval eg someone with ASD told they are being rude or ignorant or cheeky, someone with ADHD being told they are careless or lazy or not trying. So we can become highly sensitive to the possibility of this happening.

You might also be sensitive to rejection if you had a parent who you always struggled to get to express love for you. It's quite possible that rejection sensitivity and an anxious or avoidant attachment style are linked or even possibly the same thing being identified by different groups and given different names.

So glad I found this.
I feel physically ill for about 3 days after a disagreement. I feel vulnerable and scared of abandonment. I don’t feel good enough.
He however just stands tall and as if nothings happened. He is just cold in my eyes when this happens. But to me my entire world has imploded. I can’t eat, sleep etc.

im wondering if it’s something from my childhood. A deep rooted fear.

Id LOVE to not have this. I’m sure we wouldn’t row as much as I wouldn’t feel so pathetic

@ScatteredMama82 the first thing which I thought of after reading your post was that maybe you feel the way you do because essentially your body is telling you that arguing isn't the right way to go. The psychological theories are very interesting and I'm not dismissing them, but could it be much more simple than that? Could it just be that you and he need to shift your communication styles slightly so that you reframe arguments as discussions about your differing standpoints? Very rarely do humans need to 'argue' - it is an emotional transaction which pales in comparison to respectful debate.

@ohlookIhaveanewname perhaps that is something to do with it. Even if I can reframe my reaction though, he really needs to stop avoiding conversation. He just clams up, he will do anything to avoid me, he doesn't want to be physically near me and despite knowing the effect it has on me he doesn't seem to care. I've been thinking about this all night, I think his upbringing made him this way. His parents were not great. His father had no interest in him for a long time, was barely part of his life until his teens. His mother, I think she has a personality disorder and is very cold and unforgiving. He needs to recognise this and address it though, it's not down to me to just put up with it, is it? I need to work on me, but he needs to work on him too.

I suspect my DH feels like that, he can't bear conflict.

Me, I quite like a good row, but I've learnt to keep things civilised because I hate seeing how much it disturbs him. I do insist we talk through disagreements though, rather than trying to ignore them, as that way madness lies (for both of us).

I always end up in tears when we argue, even if it's not a big deal.

It stems from my previous relationship, which was abusive, so now I think part of me sees any kind of confrontation as a sign it's all starting again. Which realistically I know it isn't.

It depends entirely on the nature of the disagreements. If they are very aggressive or involve shouting and threatening behaviour, if they are just disagreements about the colour of the bedroom walls and more of a difference of opinion, then your reaction is over the top.

I'm similar. Thankfully we don't argue much.

I have ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is really the most crippling aspect. I can feel suicidal if I think someone is upset with me.

Thankfully my husband understands this and so is very good at making it clear to me that I don't need to get as upset about things and that he loves me but just at that time was frustrated etc.

I'm doubting myself now, thinking I am reading too much into it so here's what happened:

• I thought he was being unreasonably hard on our eldest. When the kids were out of the way I told him what I thought.


• He went quiet, didn't engage in any discussion, avoided me but went about his business for the next couple of hours giving one word answers where necessary


• Kids went to bed, I then approached him to try and talk things over and he physically backed away from me, he couldn't stand to be near me. I asked why he was so angry, all I had done was speak my mind like he would do in the same situation. He said he's not angry, so I asked what's wrong. He replies 'how long have you got?'


• I say all night, let's talk, he says he doesn't have time and goes off to the gym.


• I spend the next 2 hours upset and anxious. He comes back, says goodnight in a very cold fashion and goes to bed.


• Cold as ice again this morning, didn't even say goodbye to the kids before he left for work which he always does.

I feel like I'm being punished for speaking my mind, and I have no idea why he didn't go and say good morning to the children.

He sent me a text apologising for ruining the evening. I haven't replied, I really don't want to say false platitudes. If I do, this will smooth over and then we'll be back in this situation in a few weeks or months.