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Original poster

Dating after 40

61 replies

Lovemusic33 · 10/05/2022 09:12

I have been single for 6 years, in my 30’s dating seemed easy, I seemed to get a lot of attention and could easily go on one or 2 dates a week and finding FWB was pretty easy (I didn’t really wants a serious relationship). Now I’m 40 I seem to have hit a brick wall, I suddenly feel invisible to men, have only had one date this year and he seems to have vanished off the face of the earth. I have male friends, 2 of which would like a relationship but I don’t feel the same. I want to meet new people, go on dates, have sex and eventually find someone I want to be with but the opportunity seems to have vanished. Dating apps are just full of the same faces, men that are not my type or they live too far away. I get the occasional message from men calling me ‘babe’ or ‘hun’ which really annoys me, men that I share no interests with.

I have hobbies where I occasionally meet people but again I haven’t clicked with anyone. I don’t have huge friendship groups, I don’t really go out drinking (not my thing) so rarely meet new people that way.

I feel like I’m no longer datable, no longer attractive or interesting to men.

I am happy being single, I don’t necessarily want a serious relationship but I miss the sex and just sharing interests with someone. I’m pretty independent, I have 2 teenagers and we have been on our own since dh left, I don’t ‘need’ a man and I think this might put some men off? Other than that I can’t think why I’m no longer getting noticed.

Any tips on how to meet new people other than on line dating?

OP posts:
thestraitofillinois · 10/05/2022 10:45

Try to identify the type of person you want to be in a relationship with, then figure out what that person might be doing with their spare time. Then arrange your spare time along those lines?
I know it seems to be almost impossible these days to find decent men. I don't know what has happened.
What sort of person would make you happy?

Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 10:51

Do things you don't do now. Any change will bring new people into your view, even if it's just going to a different cafe or setting off from a different bus stop.

But there's an endless array of things to drop in on. What events are happening in your nearest city? Go to them, all of them! Go on guided walking tours and outdoor theatre performances, volunteer for park run, do a short course (or 10)

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/05/2022 12:31

I feel like I’m no longer datable, no longer attractive or interesting to men.

This isn’t the case though - you have men interested in you (your friends, and the men you don’t respond to messages from on OLD), you just don’t reciprocate their interest. Just as the man you are interested in doesn’t reciprocate yours. Unfortunately that’s just how it is sometimes. It doesn’t mean that you’re unattractive or undateable.

Have you got a good friend who you are happy to be honest with you who could review your OLD profiles? What might have appealed to men when you and they were in their thirties, isn’t necessarily what will appeal now you and they are older.

Otherwise, what about speed dating MeetUps specifically aimed at dating and meeting new people rather than trying to date through hobbies and activity groups? Honestly, when people show up at e.g. Parkrun or my gym, and it’s painfully obvious they’re on the prowl for a relationship rather than genuinely interested in running or the gym, it’s more irritating than anything else. I think it’s much better to try to find a relationship in an atmosphere where everyone is looking for that and transparent about their intentions.

BlueSlate · 10/05/2022 13:22

thestraitofillinois · 10/05/2022 10:45

Try to identify the type of person you want to be in a relationship with, then figure out what that person might be doing with their spare time. Then arrange your spare time along those lines?
I know it seems to be almost impossible these days to find decent men. I don't know what has happened.
What sort of person would make you happy?

This. It worked for me.

BlueSlate · 10/05/2022 13:23

Although, it only worked because I was interested in the activity myself. I'd been doing it for 5 years before I finally met someone and hadn't been interested in anyone else before him.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/05/2022 14:40

thestraitofillinois · 10/05/2022 10:45

Try to identify the type of person you want to be in a relationship with, then figure out what that person might be doing with their spare time. Then arrange your spare time along those lines?
I know it seems to be almost impossible these days to find decent men. I don't know what has happened.
What sort of person would make you happy?

Thank you, I think that’s the best bit of advice, I have been kind of doing this but only very recently. I don’t want to change who I am to get dates, I think I probably was doing this before. I am looking for a certain type and it’s probably not your average type. I need to try and put more effort in with mixing with my type of people. The last person I went in a date with was someone I thought I was good match with (we have a lot in common) but obviously he didn’t think so. I can be a bit socially awkward on first dates despite being on so many. My best mate is a male and he thinks my dating profile is great, but then he would as we are the same type of person 🤣. I have found since having my hair cut short I have had hardly any messages on online dating, maybe because I look less feminine? It’s really knocked my confidence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/05/2022 14:43

I would describe myself as slightly alternative, I rarely wear make up (I’m not very girly), I love being outdoors, nature, being active. I don’t like sitting in-front of the tv, going out on the piss or gaming (which most men seem to be into). I prefer active men, looks are not that important but I do prefer man that are not overweight. I am a bit of a introvert but I get on with most people I meet.

OP posts:
pixie5121 · 10/05/2022 18:09

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

MardyOldGoth · 10/05/2022 18:15

Tell them you're 33? (Just kidding! Or am I?)

User135644 · 10/05/2022 18:45

You've still got plenty of options, just nobody that piques your interest and you're not needing to settle.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/05/2022 19:58

Thank you, I do think dating has changed since covid. I also know that I’m fussy 🤣 but then I am quite happy on my own (most of the time) so I don’t want to be less picky, I would rather be alone than date someone who’s not similar to me. I have even widened my age limit to 31-52 but that’s not helped.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 20:43

'Dating' doesn't change. There might be more of a particular sort of person available, or people might be more cautious (covid), but your dating doesn't change, because you're the one in control of how it goes. You decide if you meet people quickly after a couple of messages, or speak for a few weeks. You decide if it's a coffee in the afternoon, dinner, or a nightclub. You decide who you see, and when, and why.

pixie5121 · 10/05/2022 20:50

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 21:44

@pixie5121

Ehhh... yes. (patronising, isn't it?)

Same applies. If you're not getting any interest, as always, plenty of decisions to make. Change profile? What aspects of it? New photos? Different site? Be more/less proactive? Open conversations in a different way?

Anybody who puts other people's interest in them down to 'the state of dating' isn't taking responsibility for themselves, by putting themselves in the right place, at the right time, with the right level of engagement and commitment.

Basically, same as in real life, if you walk into a room and nobody takes any notice of you, either do more to get yourself noticed, or go somewhere else.

pixie5121 · 10/05/2022 22:01

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 22:07

@pixie5121

I met someone online dating a few months ago. It took a few adjustments, and it took a little while, but I found what I wanted. I'd advise you to do the same, but you clearly know better. I can't imagine the world has changed all that much since October.

Thanks for asking, and all the best of luck.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/05/2022 22:13

Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 21:44

@pixie5121

Ehhh... yes. (patronising, isn't it?)

Same applies. If you're not getting any interest, as always, plenty of decisions to make. Change profile? What aspects of it? New photos? Different site? Be more/less proactive? Open conversations in a different way?

Anybody who puts other people's interest in them down to 'the state of dating' isn't taking responsibility for themselves, by putting themselves in the right place, at the right time, with the right level of engagement and commitment.

Basically, same as in real life, if you walk into a room and nobody takes any notice of you, either do more to get yourself noticed, or go somewhere else.

So I should change how I look and how I act to attract more men? Your basically saying I shouldn’t be myself? I would rather not change who I am, I’m happy with who I am, I wouldn’t change who I am as it would attract people that are not my type of people. I have a selection of photos on my profile, all recent and are of me being me. I would rather be single than make myself out to be someone I’m not.

OP posts:
pixie5121 · 10/05/2022 22:23

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 22:24

No, @Lovemusic33 I haven't suggested that. Nor would I. Clearly you want sympathisers, who tell you that you're doing everything right, and the world is doing you wrong.

Good luck.

Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 22:25

@pixie5121

I stand corrected. All the best to you.

pixie5121 · 10/05/2022 22:39

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 22:43

@pixie5121

Thanks again. Brilliant advice. I hope it gets you somewhere eventually.

ToosCointoYerWitcher · 10/05/2022 22:53

Dating apps have had a lot of bad press in the last couple of years: ex employees claiming they fake profiles to tempt people into paying for premium packages, rigging algorithms to favour staying on the app rather than actually finding a soulmate, catfishing, con-artists, the list goes on.

Then there's the cons that are becoming apparent: that you can't get a sense of chemistry online, that the filters might remove someone you might actually click with, that mutual interests don't actually mean mutual chemistry (in fact sometimes the opposite is true), that people lie on their profiles.

The decent single men (and, to be fair, a lot of women too) I know are largely swearing off - its not seen as a good return on investment and easily gamed by "players".

I think the climate PPs have mentioned has tipped people of both genders over the edge. Before people were still willing to give them a chance, but what with a cost of living crisis, people are less willing to throw money at technology they think might not be working in their interests anymore. Plus, two years of lockdown has probably driven a need for people to connect in person again.

pixie5121 · 10/05/2022 23:42

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Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 23:52

It's always been like finding a needle in a haystack. Most of us are not compatible with most of us.