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Original poster

Pre nup- long term partner

187 replies

Newpjamas · 10/05/2022 06:44

How would you feel if your partner of 18 years & 2 kids said they will marry you as long as they can sort a pre nup?
he is the bigger earner 70k and owns the house where i am on a lower wage 12k

OP posts:
SunshinePie · 10/05/2022 06:46

I would tell him to get lost. Pre-nups aren’t recognised by the Uk law anyways. He sounds selfish.

M4ple · 10/05/2022 06:46

I would leave him.

KangarooKenny · 10/05/2022 06:47

I want to say no, buy you’ll probably end up with more than you’ve got now 🤔
I don’t think pre nups are particularly safe, so you could possibly get more than he thinks. You need legal advice for yourself, independent of him.

lifeissweet · 10/05/2022 06:48

Honestly? I think a woman in your DP's situation would be advised not to marry at all. I think it's actually quite sensible as long as the terms are fair and take into account things like the care and support of the children. You don't have to sign it unless you agree with the terms, after all.

I actually wouldn't have a problem with it.

Prenups aren't always legally binding anyway, I believe.

Ultimatebetrayal · 10/05/2022 06:51

Does he have anything else other than a higher salary than you?
A pre nup is not binding but can be highly persuasive to a court if certain rules are followed.
You cannot exclude provision for children so you cannot say that you will not claim CMS for example.

spotcheck · 10/05/2022 06:51

Do you stay home and look after the children? Would this be reflected in the pre nup? Does he see the value in it?

Toomanybooks22 · 10/05/2022 06:53

In the law of England & Wales (Scotland is a different legal system) pre-nups are only advisory and considered an insight into parties thoughts but not binding because the court will also take into account other factors such as whether each party had access to independent legal advice before signing, whether there's a significant imbalance of earnings which creates a level of control from one party to another in the agreement so if you sign it then it's definitely not set in stone at all

Original poster
Newpjamas · 10/05/2022 06:55

He owns the house @Ultimatebetrayal and has savings

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 10/05/2022 06:56

I don’t think I would marry anyone who is already thinking about what happens if you split up. I would also make sure my own money is in separate account, spend his money and save as much as I could.

litterbird · 10/05/2022 06:59

I agree with him. I am a high earner, lots of investments and a big pension pot. Why would I get married when 50% of marriages fail and hand over 50% of my hard earned savings? I have said the same to my partner, I will marry you when the law changes and I can protect all my earnings and investments made before the marriage. He is in agreement as he needs to protect his investments too. We are in our late 50s and not just starting out on our relationship journey and we have kids from previous relationships. Your partner is being very sensible. He’s a keeper. Perhaps you should have married before you embarked on your partnership and children? You have left yourself very vulnerable and I guess you gave up your career and earning potential to raise your children? Without the contract of marriage before this decision to live together and have kids was perhaps an oversight and you didn’t realise the protection marriage gave you? Sadly, there is nothing you can do now, he holds all the cards and unfortunately you can’t force him to marry you. I would reignite any career you left behind and build a successful life for yourself. Re think your relationship, as this will cause resentment, and just keep building your own life.

Ylvamoon · 10/05/2022 07:01

Did he own the house outright 18 years ago?
Did you do any home improvements in the last 18 years?
Are you on a lower wage because you took care of the DC & home? (as in pt work or SAHM for a few years)

I think you can answer the question about the prenup yourself.

Personally I would tell him to jog on, that isn't the behaviour of a person in partnership that has already lasted 18 years.

spotcheck · 10/05/2022 07:17

"I guess you gave up your career and earning potential to raise your children?*
@litterbird do you really believe that raising children has no value to the parent who continued working?

EthicalNonMahogany · 10/05/2022 07:23

Who reckons the OP has done most of the childcare, not been able to work, bought stuff for the kids on an unfair ratio, bought stuff for a house she has no legal right over? I think if that's the case he can stick his prenup, or I'd be trying to get advice about how I could get the most out of it then marrying and divorcing him.

PriestessofPing · 10/05/2022 07:27

litterbird · 10/05/2022 06:59

I agree with him. I am a high earner, lots of investments and a big pension pot. Why would I get married when 50% of marriages fail and hand over 50% of my hard earned savings? I have said the same to my partner, I will marry you when the law changes and I can protect all my earnings and investments made before the marriage. He is in agreement as he needs to protect his investments too. We are in our late 50s and not just starting out on our relationship journey and we have kids from previous relationships. Your partner is being very sensible. He’s a keeper. Perhaps you should have married before you embarked on your partnership and children? You have left yourself very vulnerable and I guess you gave up your career and earning potential to raise your children? Without the contract of marriage before this decision to live together and have kids was perhaps an oversight and you didn’t realise the protection marriage gave you? Sadly, there is nothing you can do now, he holds all the cards and unfortunately you can’t force him to marry you. I would reignite any career you left behind and build a successful life for yourself. Re think your relationship, as this will cause resentment, and just keep building your own life.

That’s all well and good since you’ve already had kids, are older and this is a newish relationship! The OP has children with this man and has been with him for a very long time. Totally different situation.

litterbird · 10/05/2022 07:28

@spotcheck I raised my daughter alone with a full time career and know 100% of the value of raising children as a SAHM or working mother. The part I am raising here is the OP sadly didn’t realise the protection marriage gives with women who choose to stay at home or drop their careers to raise children. It has huge value and without that protection we end up with another sad post like this, where the man who is the high earner refuses to marry and protect the person who has tirelessly raised their children. Unfortunately for the OP her partner clearly sees no value which must be very upsetting hence I suggested to rebuild any career she left behind as her man is out for himself financially.

Allthe4s · 10/05/2022 07:30

Interesting question.

I am a woman and the DP in your scenario. I am the high earner with significant savings and pension. However our house is jointly owned and whilst I’ve made sizeable overpayments on it, it’s the house our DC us as a family live in and its fully 50/50 - which is perhaps the biggest difference and my DP didn’t give up work.

In my case after (more than) 18 years I don’t know we’ll ever get married. There have been very good and very tough times like many couples so I’m not naive to think we could never split. It would be a very big decision for me to get married and I don’t see your potential partner as evil for suggesting a pre-nup.

The issue is both the house and plans for your career, that needs to be compensated.

frazzledasarock · 10/05/2022 07:31

Prenups are fine if both parties are coming into a marriage with different levels of wealth.

they’re not fine when you’re getting married post children. What’s his proposal that you agree not to ask for a portion of the value of your marital home if the marriage breaks down and leave with the kids and move into a cardboard box?

You’ve already been together 18 years presumably you facilitated his career by doing the bulk of the child rearing? Do you contribute money to the household pot?
if he wants to keep his house to himself I’d want a salary for all the child rearing/housework done over the eighteen years, with interest. Plus a pension.

TheHopefulMum · 10/05/2022 07:32

Personally I would sign it and I would absolutely not be offended if my dp asked me to do so.

When DH and I got married some years ago he also signed a pre-nup. I am by no means a super high earner and in fact he now earns more than me, however, I do have a very good pension and savings and this will go to my children and only my children, as specified in the pre-nup.

DH and I equally own our home etc so for us it was more about the kids future and security.

Original poster
Newpjamas · 10/05/2022 07:39

Been together since late teens
had children
he furthered his career in uni whilst i worked then had children and i went part time to look after them..
he bought the house not long after and yes ive always paid toward bills food 50 50
bought most of the kids stuff and 50 50 on holidays etc…
Done all the housework & childcare since hes worked full time saving his money to pag off the house

OP posts:
RoseValleyRambles · 10/05/2022 07:44

Presumably it depends what would be in the prenup. Would it account for the value of your childcare years, for example? That's what I'd be asking.

fallfallfall · 10/05/2022 07:45

I’d want to see what he wants in the pre nup.

litterbird · 10/05/2022 07:49

Reading this it suggests from the beginning he bought the house and had the mortgage in his name only? Do you know if you are on the deeds? If your name does not appear anywhere then perhaps you could ask to have your name put on the deeds and/or mortgage. At the moment you need to get as protected as possible. As he won’t marry you there has to be some work towards balancing this relationship out.

doingitforthegirls · 10/05/2022 07:49

I'm the higher earner and I'd say my DH absolutely hasn't furthered my career an inch - not to be harsh but would you actually ever had a "career" - stopping work/going part time in a unskilled low paid job other than pension contributions isn't a "career" sacrifice? How can you actually measure if his career has actually benefited from you being home? Most peoples career advance at a natural pace irrespective of who is at home?

Aside from that I'd perhaps say to him it's a bit late for that 18 years and 2 kids down the road. If he wanted one he should have put it in place before all that. Depends what he wants in the pre nup - presumably to protect the house? Did he own that before he met you?

lifeissweet · 10/05/2022 07:52

RoseValleyRambles · 10/05/2022 07:44

Presumably it depends what would be in the prenup. Would it account for the value of your childcare years, for example? That's what I'd be asking.

Exactly. It would depend on why he wants it.

Now I know more about your situation I have changed my mind. If you had come into a relationship where he already earned considerably more and had built up assets of his own then that is one thing.

You were with him from the start and he has reached this position purely by leaning on you, so he really owes you 50/50 and is a massively entitled arsehole to expect otherwise.

lifeissweet · 10/05/2022 07:54

Newpjamas · 10/05/2022 07:39

Been together since late teens
had children
he furthered his career in uni whilst i worked then had children and i went part time to look after them..
he bought the house not long after and yes ive always paid toward bills food 50 50
bought most of the kids stuff and 50 50 on holidays etc…
Done all the housework & childcare since hes worked full time saving his money to pag off the house

Why on Earth have you been paying 50/50 for the children and the bills?