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Original poster

DH obsessed with 'beautiful people' - please help

92 replies

5tuck · 09/05/2022 22:03

Obsessed might be an exaggeration, but it's certainly not far off. We've been together for six years. It's taken me days to work up the courage to write this and I've name changed.

He has consistently lied to me about porn through our entire relationship. First of all he didn't use it at all (he did, always has) and then he has denied watching it (he always has been), then he has denied watching certain things (women masturbating, which he does watch). He volunteered that he would never watch other women masturbating now he's together with me - I always assumed that might be some of the stuff he watches - and that was a lie.

He does not share with me what he likes to watch, he is not interested in watching porn together. He is extremely secretive about it and regularly chooses to watch porn instead of having sex with me. I DO NOT CARE if he watches porn, I DO care about being excluded and sidelined from his sexual interests. We have sex quite often, always the same positions (he can only cum in two positions), no sex toys added in, no talking dirty, he's mostly silent. I get the feeling that he has sex with me because I'm lying next to him, not because he craves my body.

He works away sometimes for weeks at a time and we have had endless discussions/arguments about the lack of sexual communication while he's away. He quite literally switches off from me and pours his attention into porn. He knows how much it upsets and frustrates me and he still does the same thing over and over. Most recently he was away for three weeks and not once did he mention anything sexual to me. Didn't ask anything about me, didn't talk about feeling horny or anything like that. Usually I would initiate but this time I didn't and so there was no sexual communication and he knows damn well how that would make me feel. He never thinks about me whilst masturbating, he has photos and videos of me and never looks at them while he's away.

And now the 'beautiful people'. Basically, he is constantly noticing 'beautiful women' and sometimes becoming aroused. He specifically chooses the women he wants to watch in porn (as opposed to certain acts, etc.), he has admitted that he looks for 'beautiful' women. We were watching American Pie (of all things!!!!) and there was a scene where two lesbians were briefly topless and kissed a bit, just wearing knickers. I asked him if that turned him on and he tried to get out of answering by saying "Lesbians don't do it for me," but I asked him again and he said "Yes, it turns me on a little bit - beautiful people are beautiful people." In fucking American Pie! He's a 42 year old man! He will never give a straight answer to a question, hence why I pushed him on this, he wasn't going to be honest at all.

He has destroyed my self-confidence. I feel utterly unattractive and that he has no sexual interest in me at all, I'm simply there to fuck when he wants to. He rides roughshod over my feelings and nothing ever changes. I don't know what to do any more. I love him and I know he loves me, and I'm pregnant with our first child. I just can't live my life like this. Knowing that he's going to specifically notice any attractive women walking past us on the street and admire them, get turned on by seeing 'beautiful women' in bikinis on the beach, etc. He has stopped noticing me. For reference - I am reasonably attractive, I have a nice-ish figure, large breasts, slim, toned legs, long dark hair and blue eyes. I'm not a stunner by any means! But I know that I'm attractive to men.

I'm writing this on my laptop and it's about to die. I probably haven't explained myself or the situation very well at all, but I would ne so, so grateful for some advice/giving my head a wobble if that's the consensus!

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 09/05/2022 22:07

Just leave, OP, you're miserable and he won't change.

NrlySp · 09/05/2022 22:07

The porn is the problem. Here is some research information extension.usu.edu/relationships/research/effects-of-pornography-on-relationships
He lies to you and sadly his main sexual relationship is with porn.
you deserve so much better.

countdowntonap · 09/05/2022 22:10

Just to zoom in on a minor point, the ‘lesbians’ in American Pie are in their mid-late 30s. So a 42 year old man admitting (after being pestered!) to being turned on is not a surprise.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 09/05/2022 22:10

MolliciousIntent · 09/05/2022 22:07

Just leave, OP, you're miserable and he won't change.

I agree why on earth would you put up with this?

BonesJones · 09/05/2022 22:11

Yup, what Molli says☝️

Threetulips · 09/05/2022 22:11

I’m not sure what you are getting form this relationship. It’s clear he doesn’t love you.

You deserve much more that the crumbs.

carefullycourageous · 09/05/2022 22:12

I agree that my advice if you were my friend would be for you to leave Flowers

hattie43 · 09/05/2022 22:14

Not much of a charmer is he

Opentooffers · 09/05/2022 22:16

Ah, it's only been 6 years, that's nothing against a lifetime, just get out now.

oakleaffy · 09/05/2022 22:19

Good grief, it sounds a lonely relationship to be in.
It will possibly get worse after baby is born, too.

You definitely deserve way better than a porn addict.

My ex Husband denied EVER masturbating
“I never needed to, I always had a girlfriend “
But I found porn mags under the mattress when we first got together -
He alleged they belonged to the last tenant of the flat🤥!

He eventually had an affair.

Greyandgloom · 09/05/2022 22:20

Things will only get worse, having a young child puts a stain on most people’s sex lives so I’d be fully prepared for that. Although there’s nothing wrong with watching porn (in my opinion) and engaging in a fantasy if it’s impacting on your feelings then it needs to be dealt with. You need to be upfront and honest and tell him how much his lack of attention towards you is affecting your self esteem.

RosesAndHellebores · 09/05/2022 22:21

OP I've been married for more than 30 years and dh spent a period of about 18 months where he was in NY more than in London. I don't think we had a single transatlantic conversation about sex.

Mistystar99 · 09/05/2022 22:23

He sounds grim as fuck

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/05/2022 22:24

There are a lot of things going on here OP.

Watching porn instead of engaging sexually with you is not OK. An unfulfilling sex life isn't fair if he is unwilling to ever do the stuff you want. Not changing behaviour that upsets you is also not ideal.

However there is a lot of other stuff here that if I'm being totally honest, sounds over the top. Eg:

He never thinks of you when he masturbates - you aren't the thought police, he can think of what he wants and I'd guess most people think of someone other than their partner.

He notices beautiful people. Most people do. Even babies notice beautiful people more than average people. As long as he isn't ogling or disrespecting you in some way (going on about it or comparing or something) then he is normal.

You are quizzing him on things that are personal and then getting upset at the answers. He admitted when pressed he found a sexual scene in a movie arousing. Most people would. He doesn't share with you what kind of porn he likes...he is allowed to have his own preferences, in his own head, and keep them private. I dont share my fantasies with anyone because out loud it would sound silly and turn me off.

What I'm trying to say is I think it's fine to focus on his behaviour and how it affects you. Again if he is sneaking around watching porn to the detriment of your sex life then that isn't ok. But just because you're married doesn't mean you get to be told every thought in his head and have to be at the centre of these thoughts at all times. You don't get to demand he does stuff that he is not comfortable with such as watch porn together, if he doesn't want to.

Could you have got stuck in some kind of destructive behaviour cycle where when you're being intimate you are firing him with questions and demands and then he is retreating more into porn instead of sex with you and then that's making you want to try and get inside his head more?

Original poster
5tuck · 09/05/2022 22:30

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/05/2022 22:24

There are a lot of things going on here OP.

Watching porn instead of engaging sexually with you is not OK. An unfulfilling sex life isn't fair if he is unwilling to ever do the stuff you want. Not changing behaviour that upsets you is also not ideal.

However there is a lot of other stuff here that if I'm being totally honest, sounds over the top. Eg:

He never thinks of you when he masturbates - you aren't the thought police, he can think of what he wants and I'd guess most people think of someone other than their partner.

He notices beautiful people. Most people do. Even babies notice beautiful people more than average people. As long as he isn't ogling or disrespecting you in some way (going on about it or comparing or something) then he is normal.

You are quizzing him on things that are personal and then getting upset at the answers. He admitted when pressed he found a sexual scene in a movie arousing. Most people would. He doesn't share with you what kind of porn he likes...he is allowed to have his own preferences, in his own head, and keep them private. I dont share my fantasies with anyone because out loud it would sound silly and turn me off.

What I'm trying to say is I think it's fine to focus on his behaviour and how it affects you. Again if he is sneaking around watching porn to the detriment of your sex life then that isn't ok. But just because you're married doesn't mean you get to be told every thought in his head and have to be at the centre of these thoughts at all times. You don't get to demand he does stuff that he is not comfortable with such as watch porn together, if he doesn't want to.

Could you have got stuck in some kind of destructive behaviour cycle where when you're being intimate you are firing him with questions and demands and then he is retreating more into porn instead of sex with you and then that's making you want to try and get inside his head more?

Thank you, you raise some good points.
I don't mean to be the thought police at all - but is it unreasonable to think that he might miss me sexually when he's away?

OP posts:
Original poster
5tuck · 09/05/2022 22:33

Oops, pressed post too soon.

No, I completely accept that he doesn't HAVE to share what he likes watching, but I hoped that we could have an open communication about stuff which turns us on.

Noticing beautiful people is normal, I agree, but not admiring and enjoying every aspect their figures and physical appearances.

OP posts:
FieldOverFence · 09/05/2022 22:33

The porn, uh, agree that it sounds like his main sexual relationship

The lack of sexual communication when away- I have been regularly away for work for years, DH and I would both cringe at the thought of doing that. Same for dirty talk/toys while DTD, I couldn't do either

Admiring people in a film, not unusual...ogling other women in real life... nope not on

All in all though, if you're not getting what you need it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, you need to decide what is or isn't a dealbreaker

Original poster
5tuck · 09/05/2022 22:36

countdowntonap · 09/05/2022 22:10

Just to zoom in on a minor point, the ‘lesbians’ in American Pie are in their mid-late 30s. So a 42 year old man admitting (after being pestered!) to being turned on is not a surprise.

I meant that it was so far away from pornographic that it was weird he got turned on. The only thing that was novel was that they were beautiful (in his opinion!). That was what aroused him.

OP posts:
FieldOverFence · 09/05/2022 22:36

Also agree with PP who said fantasies are private, if you're comfortable sharing then great, but pushing him to share when he doesn't want to would be going too far

DailySheetWasher · 09/05/2022 22:39

I really don't know what to say here... it sounds like a miserable relationship for you, where you're being lied to and made to feel unloved. Most people would be thinking about (or already) moving on but you've recently decided to cement the relationship with a baby. One thing is obvious, he's not motivated to change for your sake. So it's up to you and what you're prepared to put up with, and for how long.

PurpleDaisies · 09/05/2022 22:41

Noticing beautiful people is normal, I agree, but not admiring and enjoying every aspect their figures and physical appearances.

It’s telling you all about it that’s not normal, although it sounds like you might be asking him so he feels he has to tell you.

You’re clearly not happy in this relationship. You don’t need him to have done anything wrong to leave.

Regularsizedrudy · 09/05/2022 22:42

Okay so he sounds unable to communicate and connect with you sexually which is a problem…However I find some of your post very odd. Why does it matter whether he watch solo masturbation porn or not? Why does it matter that two hot people kissing turns him on? That’s normal surely? You sound very accusatory. He is allowed to not want to share his porn preferences with you or watch porn with you. That doesn’t mean he is being secretive or doing anything wrong. He has a right to a private life. Some things that might be enjoyable to watch in porn are not thing we actually want to do in real life. You sound like you are trying to police and control his sexuality, it’s no wonder he can’t be honest with you about it.

Clymene · 09/05/2022 22:42

We were watching American Pie (of all things!!!!) and there was a scene where two lesbians were briefly topless and kissed a bit, just wearing knickers. I asked him if that turned him on and he tried to get out of answering by saying "Lesbians don't do it for me," but I asked him again and he said "Yes, it turns me on a little bit - beautiful people are beautiful people." In fucking American Pie! He's a 42 year old man! He will never give a straight answer to a question, hence why I pushed him on this, he wasn't going to be honest at all.

I mean I don't get why you did this. Why did you ask him, why did you feel the need to 'push' him?

It sounds like a really fucked up dynamic.

I hate porn and I wonder if you do too. You're certainly nowhere near as cool with if as you're pretending to be. And that's okay. Admit if it's making you miserable.

If you're feeling this insecure now, it's only going to get worse as your pregnancy progresses.

Autumndays123 · 09/05/2022 22:43

See to me, having someone constantly asking me about my sexual thoughts, talking about sex, asking whether I found people attractive on the TV, messaging me about sex when I'm away etc etc would be so deeply unattractive. Why can't he have his own private sexual fantasies? You have no right to control his mind or thoughts and you come across as a bit weird.

I do however agree you should leave him as you are on two totally different pages and I can't see how there's any compromise other than him writing you an analytical reflective piece every time he mastorbates or has a rude thought

Catlover1970 · 09/05/2022 22:45

I’m not sure why you have saddled yourself with this loser and are having a baby with him