DH obsessed with 'beautiful people' - please help

[5tuck]

Obsessed might be an exaggeration, but it's certainly not far off. We've been together for six years. It's taken me days to work up the courage to write this and I've name changed.

He has consistently lied to me about porn through our entire relationship. First of all he didn't use it at all (he did, always has) and then he has denied watching it (he always has been), then he has denied watching certain things (women masturbating, which he does watch). He volunteered that he would never watch other women masturbating now he's together with me - I always assumed that might be some of the stuff he watches - and that was a lie.

He does not share with me what he likes to watch, he is not interested in watching porn together. He is extremely secretive about it and regularly chooses to watch porn instead of having sex with me. I DO NOT CARE if he watches porn, I DO care about being excluded and sidelined from his sexual interests. We have sex quite often, always the same positions (he can only cum in two positions), no sex toys added in, no talking dirty, he's mostly silent. I get the feeling that he has sex with me because I'm lying next to him, not because he craves my body.

He works away sometimes for weeks at a time and we have had endless discussions/arguments about the lack of sexual communication while he's away. He quite literally switches off from me and pours his attention into porn. He knows how much it upsets and frustrates me and he still does the same thing over and over. Most recently he was away for three weeks and not once did he mention anything sexual to me. Didn't ask anything about me, didn't talk about feeling horny or anything like that. Usually I would initiate but this time I didn't and so there was no sexual communication and he knows damn well how that would make me feel. He never thinks about me whilst masturbating, he has photos and videos of me and never looks at them while he's away.

And now the 'beautiful people'. Basically, he is constantly noticing 'beautiful women' and sometimes becoming aroused. He specifically chooses the women he wants to watch in porn (as opposed to certain acts, etc.), he has admitted that he looks for 'beautiful' women. We were watching American Pie (of all things!!!!) and there was a scene where two lesbians were briefly topless and kissed a bit, just wearing knickers. I asked him if that turned him on and he tried to get out of answering by saying "Lesbians don't do it for me," but I asked him again and he said "Yes, it turns me on a little bit - beautiful people are beautiful people." In fucking American Pie! He's a 42 year old man! He will never give a straight answer to a question, hence why I pushed him on this, he wasn't going to be honest at all.

He has destroyed my self-confidence. I feel utterly unattractive and that he has no sexual interest in me at all, I'm simply there to fuck when he wants to. He rides roughshod over my feelings and nothing ever changes. I don't know what to do any more. I love him and I know he loves me, and I'm pregnant with our first child. I just can't live my life like this. Knowing that he's going to specifically notice any attractive women walking past us on the street and admire them, get turned on by seeing 'beautiful women' in bikinis on the beach, etc. He has stopped noticing me. For reference - I am reasonably attractive, I have a nice-ish figure, large breasts, slim, toned legs, long dark hair and blue eyes. I'm not a stunner by any means! But I know that I'm attractive to men.

I'm writing this on my laptop and it's about to die. I probably haven't explained myself or the situation very well at all, but I would ne so, so grateful for some advice/giving my head a wobble if that's the consensus!

Which is why you’ll see men and female apologists posting how ‘normal’ or it
but OP remember there’s a big difference between what’s common or typical behaviour and what you have to settle for
it sounds miserable
honestly I’d rather be alone than with a man if I couldn’t be with one who wasn’t like this !
Being single sounds absolutely delightful compared to that !

This !
if You are going to say your ok with porn then your gonna have to accept that you won’t be able to control what type of porn he uses and theres a lot of it is very questionable ? Ages and consent is impossible to know for sure etc …
personally I wouldn’t be ok with it at all

You stayed in a relationship with a man whose behavior you are unhappy with. He works away for long periods. You feel lonely and insecure most of the time.

Why on earth would you want to have a family with this man? It makes no sense. There are other men in the world you know?

You are making each other and yourselves miserable. End it now and move on.

If you can access counselling please do, for yourself, to improve your self esteem and learn about what a healthy relationship looks like.

Relationships should not be this much hard work.
Do you want better? Do you want to feel attractive to someone? Accept that he is not the one for you. And you are not the one for him. Go op.

I find your attitude very strange - controlling and over anxious. I think everyone is entitled to their sexual fantasies and if they like watching porn, so be it. Personally I find scenes in movies or tv programmes generally more arousing than porn. I have been with my partner over 30 years and he doesn't know all my fantasies. They aren't necessarily things I'd really want to do. By insisting on knowing his, you are just upsetting yourself and denying him his own thoughts and feelings.

But whatever, you aren't happy with your relationship, which is very sad considering you are having a baby. This is the issue, not whether he mentions sex on the phone or what turns him on. Its not easy to say that he is in the wrong in anyway as you have a skewed view of things, in my opinion, but clearly you are not happy. I hope you can find a way forward, either through couples counselling or moving on from him.

He sounds horrible.

Do you think all the sexual questions is you trying to get a little attention from him?
Does he satisfy you sexually?

You say you love him. You haven't posted any reasons to love him.

I don't mean to be, I'm just desperate to establish a solid, secure, sexual relationship with him. An open one.

Do you want the solid, secure, sexual relationship with him because YOU want that for you? on the weeks he's away are you trying to communicate sexually because it's what YOU want?
Or are you doing it to try to compete with the porn or show him you're better than the porn or other women etc?

It's not really clear from your posts. I'm assuming he's not satisfying you sexually if the sex is always the same and boring.....but do you want the more adventurous sex life for yourself or again is it that you're trying to compete with what you think he's interested in?

Obviously it could be a bit of both either, but it's coming across like you want to be his sexual fantasy, but that it's not really for you, it's for him?

If you want a fulfilling, mutual sex life there are other men out there. Yes you're pregnant but you don't need to rush into anything, a new relationship can come in time. You're never going to have a fulfilling, mutual sex life with this man. After 6 years he's not going to suddenly start being more sexual with you.

If you're trying to be sexual for him and make him see you as better than the porn or the "beautiful women" you feel like he is into then you are not just going to end up feeling worse about yourself, not because you can't compete or that they're better than you, but because he probably just likes looking at them and watching porn etc. because it's easier and he's lazy about sex with a real life woman.

I disagree with the poster who said most men are like this. I think a huge amount of men are absolute arseholes, and from reading MN it seems like there are a lot of men who are porn addicts, but there's also a huge amount of men who would not choose porn over sex with a woman, who would be more adventurous in bed than the OPs partner is and who would love to dirty talk etc with their partner while they were away...and who wouldn't make it obvious they are staring at other women!

Urgh! You’re trying to compete with porn OP, that’s where your refusal to accept who this man is has taken you.

I think any red blooded man would become turned on by attractive naked lesbians making out (assuming they are adult age) regardless of whether he’s older than them, that’s hardly unusual. If he offered that up voluntarily as you watched I guess it was weird depending on how it was said (jokey?) but if you were badgering him to find out if he found hot women naked making out attractive then come on, what do you want him to say? Of course he does. Everyone’s husband on here would.

The porn is normal, virtually all men do it despite what Mumsnet tells you. I would think a lot of men prefer to watch women they find attractive in porn over those they don’t, so again not really unusual.

Only being able to cum in two positions isn’t really unusual either - most people have favourites. Not everyone can have tantric orgasms performing the karma sutra.

Honestly OP it sounds like your slightly fixated and neurotic about this. If your watching a movie with attractive naked women in it then it’s very likely your husband will find them attractive, I mean why make a big deal of it? If a hot man was naked (or just being hot) would you not find him attractive in a movie? So what, that’s no threat to your marriage.
I also don’t really think most men unless they’re swingers want to share all the mastabatory porn habits with their wives. Tbh your husband sounds like a normal man.

Maybe some couples counselling would help. It sounds a bit as if his main interest is porn stars when it should be your life together.
Perhaps if you were both more touchy feely loving to each other in every day life the sex desires would be less important.

It all sounds very dysfunctional. I don’t know why you’re pressing him to tell you answers to questions that you know are going to piss you off. He shouldn’t be lying and it’s very unkind for him to point out the thing he finds attractive in passers by.

I don’t get the part about porn of ‘women mastrubating’ there’s a whole load of quite unpleasant weird stuff out there, women masturbsting is very tame. I’d rather a partner watch that where the women actually get to enjoy themselves rather than something that’s all together more unpleasant for the women involved .

That aside I have no idea why you’d both think it’s a good idea to start a family. Babys put a huge strain on relationships and sex. You don’t sound happy at all in the relationship, why are you making thing things harder for yourself and tying yourself to him with a baby?

If I was you and I was only in the early stages of pregnancy I would be seriously considering whether I should keep the pregnancy. I would leave the relationship and find someone I am actually compatible with.

Or if you really want to make it work go to couples counselling. Talk it through properly and agree a way forward. And do it before the baby is born, decide what is private as your own thoughts and what is fair to say to each other.

It’s hard to tell on MN sometimes how big of an issue these things are in relationships, is he kind and loving and fair in every other respect?

Don't blame the OP for her husbands porn addiction!
He is unable to communicate because he wants to have his cake and eat it - he wants to actively bash one out to whoever he chooses and then not engage with his real life partner sexually. No wonder she feels like she's turning into the inquisition.

OP don't blame yourself for this. He's a man-child and you shouldn't have to put up with this at all.

Ok, lots of good points raised here. Especially the ones saying that he can't win - I ask the questions and then I'm unhappy with the answers. It's not the answers, it's the fact he's not willing to give them. I'm an open book, sexually, and personally if DH felt the way I do I would be bending over backwards to make him feel secure.

I've never searched his internet history, that's a step too far for me and personally I think that way madness lies.

He's absolutely entitled to his privacy. I just wish he would be a bit more open with me.

I've never searched his internet history, that's a step too far for me and personally I think that way madness lies

So how do you know he’s looking at porn and not looking at pictures of you while you’re away or is that just a strong feeling you had? You seemed absolutely certain.

You say you’re an open book sexually and what you’re expecting from him seems very, very open compared to what most people would seem to be comfortable with. That’s not necessarily wrong but it doesn’t sound like a happy combination of partners.

OP I think you're being given quite a hard time in some of these replies. I totally agree that wanting to get inside your partners head and know what his fantasies are, if he's not happy to share them, is not ok. However, the root of that behaviour is him choosing to put most of his sexual energy into porn and not you, his partner. You're feeling very unloved and unwanted and are ever more desperately trying to fix the problem by questioning him and trying to insert yourself into his fantasies. Yes it's not 'normal' to be doing that, but toxic behaviour (his) creates a toxic response (yours).

You don't sound happy, you can't change his behaviour and I doubt he'd going to change it himself. It's not going to get better and you have every right to want a partner whose main sexual relationship is with you and not with porn. I know it's easy to say, but I think the only real option here is to leave.

I get the feeling that he has sex with me because I'm lying next to him, not because he craves my body.

This is the bit that stood out for me. It seems that to feel secure in your relationship you need to feel that he has strong sexual desire for you. Because he is not opening up to you about his sexual fantasies and because it sounds like the sex has gone off the boil a bit (which is not that unusual six years into a relationship) you assume that this is because he is more interested in "beautiful people" than you.

What's less clear to me is whether this is an accurate assessment of what he's really feeling or whether he's an average repressed bloke who doesn't like to open up about sex and you are reading too much into that.

I'm also not sure how realistic it is to expect your partner to "crave your body" many years into a long term relationship. Although I'm sure someone will be along to say that they have been married for 30 years and still can't keep their hands off each other, I think it is more common for the initial sexual 'buzz' to fade a bit after the first few years. Hopefully if a relationship is good then it can be sustained on more than just sexual attraction.

Could he be one of those men who just stop noticing their partner? However attractive, etc., the woman is, they will simply stop noticing because their partner is a permanent in their life? Have you become part of the background scenery for him? Does he ever notice a new dress or haircut, or make positive comments about such changes?
If he's one of these then it's soul-destroying because they notice you only when they are in danger of losing you.

Why are you endlessly trying to work out this sleazy man? He's a sleazy repulsive man. You don't need to know anything more about him OP.

Leave. Have some mental and spiritual peace finally. He will still be wanking off in his nineties. You need to have left him well in the rear view mirror by that time.

You feel undesirable and like crap. Hes crap in bed. These are both reason enough to get out of it before you add a baby to the mix.

Find yourself someone who wants to rip your clothes off and send you filth x

Obviously you're having his baby and so you want things to change, whether that's his behaviour or your perspective on things.

My exP used to watch porn a lot, I hated it. He would wank instead of having sex with me. It took a long time, but he did gradually change, he stopped his porn use completely and lo and behold, his libido and interest in having sex with me increased tenfold. He eventually recognised that the real thing was obviously 100x better than wanking to images and videos. I think whilst the porn use/addiction was still there, his brain didn't allow him to be that interested in the real thing though. The porn addiction needs to go first before you can assess the true state of your sex life with him.

I think you need to stop pretending you're happy with the porn use and flat out tell him it's killing your real life relationship. It might take you leaving him over it, for it to really hit home with him.

Don't be afraid to leave. You and your future child are worth more, and will be absolutely fine without him.

How do you think you know this?

OP, He has destroyed my self-confidence One man's choice to use porn isn't a measure of your worth. Have a look into why his behaviour is so destructive to you, and why, if it's getting to the point where you can use the word 'destroy', you haven't left him a long time ago, when it was just at the 'turned off' or 'shocked' or 'hurt' stage.

You seem to be obsessed with his private, sexual thoughts, and you have an idea of what's 'right' and 'wrong' and judge him for being wrong.

It's perfectly normal to find attractive people in a film sexy, and to be aroused by it. It's also perfectly normal not to have to discuss that with your partner. He is entitled to private thoughts. He isn't doing wrong if he's getting turned on by someone other than you (so long as he does nothing about it of course).

It's not 'wrong' to not have sexual talk when you're away from each other. That most often happens early in a relationship. Once it settles, less so (not for everyone, I know some people love it). It doesn't mean you don't fancy each other or miss each other sexually, but not everyone feels the need to talk about it. Some people feel really uncomfortable having sexy talk over the phone and find it cringe-making and the opposite of sexy.

How do you know he doesn't look at your photo when he's away? And so what if he doesn't look at it when he's masturbating? We are all entitled to think about whatever we want in those private moments.

If he is putting porn ahead of you then that is clearly not on. If he is going on about other women being attractive, comparing you unfavourably, saying nice things about other people that he wouldn't say to you - all not on. If he pulls you down or makes you feel inferior - not on. If you think he can't be trusted and would act on his thoughts with another woman - not on. If he's selfish in bed and doesn't care about your enjoyment - not on.

But not talking sexy on the phone / not looking at your photo enough / getting turned on by a sexy scene in a film / finding other people attractive - all perfectly normal.

Of course it's up to you what you are happy to live with, and it may be you are just not compatible. Don't stay with someone who makes you feel worse about yourself.

OP

I suggest you have a look through DrPsychMoms website. Experienced Couples Counsellor.

She has some great articles. Just linking this one as it is vaguely relevant but she talks about Porn Use in other articles. Have a browse.

www.drpsychmom.com/2021/11/27/if-you-enjoy-sex-dont-marry-someone-never-prioritizes/

This article may be more fitting

www.drpsychmom.com/2014/10/28/husband-uses-porn-want-cool-im/

This article specifically addresses some of your points.

www.drpsychmom.com/2014/08/06/women-sex-vs-reality/