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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH obsessed with 'beautiful people' - please help

92 replies

5tuck · 09/05/2022 22:03

Obsessed might be an exaggeration, but it's certainly not far off. We've been together for six years. It's taken me days to work up the courage to write this and I've name changed.

He has consistently lied to me about porn through our entire relationship. First of all he didn't use it at all (he did, always has) and then he has denied watching it (he always has been), then he has denied watching certain things (women masturbating, which he does watch). He volunteered that he would never watch other women masturbating now he's together with me - I always assumed that might be some of the stuff he watches - and that was a lie.

He does not share with me what he likes to watch, he is not interested in watching porn together. He is extremely secretive about it and regularly chooses to watch porn instead of having sex with me. I DO NOT CARE if he watches porn, I DO care about being excluded and sidelined from his sexual interests. We have sex quite often, always the same positions (he can only cum in two positions), no sex toys added in, no talking dirty, he's mostly silent. I get the feeling that he has sex with me because I'm lying next to him, not because he craves my body.

He works away sometimes for weeks at a time and we have had endless discussions/arguments about the lack of sexual communication while he's away. He quite literally switches off from me and pours his attention into porn. He knows how much it upsets and frustrates me and he still does the same thing over and over. Most recently he was away for three weeks and not once did he mention anything sexual to me. Didn't ask anything about me, didn't talk about feeling horny or anything like that. Usually I would initiate but this time I didn't and so there was no sexual communication and he knows damn well how that would make me feel. He never thinks about me whilst masturbating, he has photos and videos of me and never looks at them while he's away.

And now the 'beautiful people'. Basically, he is constantly noticing 'beautiful women' and sometimes becoming aroused. He specifically chooses the women he wants to watch in porn (as opposed to certain acts, etc.), he has admitted that he looks for 'beautiful' women. We were watching American Pie (of all things!!!!) and there was a scene where two lesbians were briefly topless and kissed a bit, just wearing knickers. I asked him if that turned him on and he tried to get out of answering by saying "Lesbians don't do it for me," but I asked him again and he said "Yes, it turns me on a little bit - beautiful people are beautiful people." In fucking American Pie! He's a 42 year old man! He will never give a straight answer to a question, hence why I pushed him on this, he wasn't going to be honest at all.

He has destroyed my self-confidence. I feel utterly unattractive and that he has no sexual interest in me at all, I'm simply there to fuck when he wants to. He rides roughshod over my feelings and nothing ever changes. I don't know what to do any more. I love him and I know he loves me, and I'm pregnant with our first child. I just can't live my life like this. Knowing that he's going to specifically notice any attractive women walking past us on the street and admire them, get turned on by seeing 'beautiful women' in bikinis on the beach, etc. He has stopped noticing me. For reference - I am reasonably attractive, I have a nice-ish figure, large breasts, slim, toned legs, long dark hair and blue eyes. I'm not a stunner by any means! But I know that I'm attractive to men.

I'm writing this on my laptop and it's about to die. I probably haven't explained myself or the situation very well at all, but I would ne so, so grateful for some advice/giving my head a wobble if that's the consensus!

OP posts:
Mischance · 09/05/2022 22:46

Is there anything about him that makes you happy?

Herejustforthisone · 09/05/2022 22:47

Basically, he is constantly noticing 'beautiful women' and sometimes becoming aroused

Like, in public? 😬

This relationship sounds so miserable. I’d leave. But it’s easy for me to say that.

Icecreamandapplepie · 09/05/2022 22:48

I just wanted to say, it's not about your looks at all. The most famous beautiful women in the world get treated like this and cheated on by men.

You could look like Marilyn Monroe and still this would be happening.

It's an addiction and the porn is turning him off of real life, loving sex totally.

PurpleDaisies · 09/05/2022 22:49

I meant that it was so far away from pornographic that it was weird he got turned on.

It’s a sexy scene. It doesn’t need to be hardcore fucking to turn people on.

You’ve got a really strange way of thinking about personal thoughts and fantasies. I’ve no idea what dh thinks about most of the time and I wouldn’t want to be grilled about what turns me on every time I have that sort of thought.

Janedoe82 · 09/05/2022 22:50

all sounds a bit weird. Especially the sexual communication bit. You sound very needy.

ladydimitrescu · 09/05/2022 22:52

PurpleDaisies · 09/05/2022 22:49

I meant that it was so far away from pornographic that it was weird he got turned on.

It’s a sexy scene. It doesn’t need to be hardcore fucking to turn people on.

You’ve got a really strange way of thinking about personal thoughts and fantasies. I’ve no idea what dh thinks about most of the time and I wouldn’t want to be grilled about what turns me on every time I have that sort of thought.

This. I'm sorry op but you are obsessed over what he's thinking - it's a really unhealthy sounding relationship.

Moser85 · 09/05/2022 22:52

You can't change how other people behave, you can only change your own reaction to it. If you're with someone and something they do makes you unhappy and you speak about it and it doesn't change then you end the relationship yourself, take ownership of making yourself happy.

He's not going to change now after 6 years, and so much of what he does makes you feel unhappy, so what's the point?

You're going to become more and more unhappy.

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 22:55

Nothing you’ve listed is all that bad by itself, but the sum of it all is that he is a lying porn addict who doesn’t love you, doesn’t miss you when he’s away, and is a selfish lover. It’s like he has no real emotional attachment to you at all. He just takes affection and love from you, but doesn’t reciprocate.

I would be miserable too OP. You’ve said you have had countless arguments and nothing ever changes. I hate to say it, but he’s not the right person for you. I know things are complicated because you’re pregnant, but I’d be moving on if I were you. A baby will be enough stress alone without having this emotional vampire attached to you.

catfunk · 09/05/2022 22:58

You sound like the sex thought police, maybe that's why he's retreating.

PurpleDaisies · 09/05/2022 22:59

How do you know what he’s watching/not watching etc when he’s away?

Original poster
5tuck · 09/05/2022 23:00

I do appreciate that I come across as needy and demanding to invade his privacy. I'm really not, things have built up and built up to get to this stage abd it's difficult to give an accurate snapshot of life with him.

I don't like the way he dodges questions when he doesn't want to answer. Questions that he knows I need answers to in order to feel secure, it's not much to ask but he refuses to give me any reassurance.

OP posts:
Neverendingdust · 09/05/2022 23:00

Most men are like this.

Original poster
5tuck · 09/05/2022 23:02

catfunk · 09/05/2022 22:58

You sound like the sex thought police, maybe that's why he's retreating.

I think you have a valid point there. Maybe I am too overbearing. I don't mean to be, I'm just desperate to establish a solid, secure, sexual relationship with him. An open one.

OP posts:
Original poster
5tuck · 09/05/2022 23:02

PurpleDaisies · 09/05/2022 22:59

How do you know what he’s watching/not watching etc when he’s away?

I only know for a fact that he watches porn. Not the actual content.

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 09/05/2022 23:03

5tuck · 09/05/2022 23:00

I do appreciate that I come across as needy and demanding to invade his privacy. I'm really not, things have built up and built up to get to this stage abd it's difficult to give an accurate snapshot of life with him.

I don't like the way he dodges questions when he doesn't want to answer. Questions that he knows I need answers to in order to feel secure, it's not much to ask but he refuses to give me any reassurance.

He doesn't need to tell you every sexual thought he has, and you shouldn't be asking. You're feeling insecure doesn't mean you have the right to question him like this, the way you word it as "not much to ask" makes you sound very controlling.

Autumndays123 · 09/05/2022 23:04

5tuck · 09/05/2022 23:00

I do appreciate that I come across as needy and demanding to invade his privacy. I'm really not, things have built up and built up to get to this stage abd it's difficult to give an accurate snapshot of life with him.

I don't like the way he dodges questions when he doesn't want to answer. Questions that he knows I need answers to in order to feel secure, it's not much to ask but he refuses to give me any reassurance.

OP you have so many red flags in your posts. Of course he doesn't want to answer questions about his sexual thoughts! Why would he when you poke and prod and then when he relents, get sulky and judgy. Gosh you sound like really hard work. What's this about he must answer questions to make you feel secure? It's not his job to make you feel secure and what you mean is you want him to lie through his teeth and tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better? Did he not do that with the American Pie story but you refused to accept his answer and kept asking?

I'm sorry OP but you are borderline abusive and I'm not surprised he isn't particularly sexual attracted to you when you are behaving in this way. I'm not sure I could think of a more unattractive trait in a partner. You need to take a big step back and stop demanding to know what his thoughts are - they are not your business.

PurpleDaisies · 09/05/2022 23:04

5tuck · 09/05/2022 23:02

I only know for a fact that he watches porn. Not the actual content.

Show quote history

How do you know that though? You also said you knew he didn’t look at pictures or videos of you. How can you know that?

Autumndays123 · 09/05/2022 23:06

PurpleDaisies · 09/05/2022 23:04

How do you know that though? You also said you knew he didn’t look at pictures or videos of you. How can you know that?

Show quote history

She also said he searches for beautiful people and not specific acts etc. I imagine he's had his internet history searched but OP doesn't want to admit that

Arrivederla · 09/05/2022 23:06

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 22:55

Nothing you’ve listed is all that bad by itself, but the sum of it all is that he is a lying porn addict who doesn’t love you, doesn’t miss you when he’s away, and is a selfish lover. It’s like he has no real emotional attachment to you at all. He just takes affection and love from you, but doesn’t reciprocate.

I would be miserable too OP. You’ve said you have had countless arguments and nothing ever changes. I hate to say it, but he’s not the right person for you. I know things are complicated because you’re pregnant, but I’d be moving on if I were you. A baby will be enough stress alone without having this emotional vampire attached to you.

This.

PurpleDaisies · 09/05/2022 23:07

I don't like the way he dodges questions when he doesn't want to answer. Questions that he knows I need answers to in order to feel secure, it's not much to ask but he refuses to give me any reassurance.

You’re just not compatible. Fwiw they sound like the sorts of questions I’d be really uncomfortable with too.

PurpleDaisies · 09/05/2022 23:08

She also said he searches for beautiful people and not specific acts etc. I imagine he's had his internet history searched but OP doesn't want to admit that

How does that work if he’s away?

PaddlingLikeADuck · 09/05/2022 23:11

I don't like the way he dodges questions when he doesn't want to answer. Questions that he knows I need answers to in order to feel secure, it's not much to ask but he refuses to give me any reassurance.

Questions like what?

And this thread reads as though you push him for answers which you then don’t like. So how do his answers make you feel secure?

I have no idea about my DH’s fantasies, or if he watches porn or if he masterbates and what he’s thinking about…..and he would say the same about me. Everyone is allowed their own private thoughts when it comes to sex.

And we have never, in the 12 years of our relationship, spoke sexually over the phone when we’ve been apart.

And as another poster said - people can be aroused by watching all manner of things on the TV even if they don’t seem to be sexual in the eyes of others - that’s perfectly normal. I get turned on all the time when I’m watching TV and sex scenes and lustful scenes are on screen. Don’t get me started on how turned on I feel when I watch Bridgerton…..

Anyhow - you feeling second best to porn is not okay, but everything else you describe is pretty normal. I imagine you aren’t doing much to help your situation with your constant badgering and questioning about something he has every right to be private about.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/05/2022 23:12

Questions that he knows I need answers to in order to feel secure, it's not much to ask but he refuses to give me any reassurance.

What questions? Do you want the truth even if you won’t like it or do you want him to lie so you can get the reassurance you’re after? He’s not going to win so I can see why he’s trying to avoid answering.

I’m not okay with porn, there’s nothing good about it and everything wrong with it. If you are and what he’s watching is legal and not harmful then I don’t think you can complain or bug him about it. I can think of few porn things less offensive than a woman wanking, what about that upsets you so much?

I’ll be honest that your existing insecurity is unlikely to improve through and after pregnancy. How far along are you?

SarahAndQuack · 09/05/2022 23:16

I could be reading into this, because I would find porn to be a deal breaker, but ... you don't sound awfully ok he watches porn. You say you are, but an awful lot of your post is about what you don't find ok about it. I am not saying that to make you feel bad. That is fine. IME there is a fair bit of social/cultural pressure on women to say we think porn is fine, but ... actually, if for you it isn't, that is ok too! You are entitled to have whatever feelings you have. If that means you're not compatible, then there it is.

But better to know you're not compatible, than for you to tie yourself in knots saying it's this content or that content.

TheCatterall · 10/05/2022 01:07

‘I know he loves me’ really? Like what gives you the impression?

the lack of real physical connection and intimacy unless necessary to keep you appeased?

the lies about his porn habits.

his unwillingness to have open and Frank conversations or to improve the health of his relationship with you?

im not sure where that screams - I LOVE YOU.