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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My mum has died and now I'm left with a nightmare

57 replies

cafenoirbiscuit · 09/05/2022 21:36

Sorry this may be long.
12 days ago my lovely mum collapsed and died out of the blue. Although she was in her 80s, she was fit and well so it was such a shock. She has left behind my dad and I. I live at the other end of the country to them. I don't have siblings.
My dad has always been a bit of a handful. He had a 5 year affair when I was a teenager, and he totally overshared with me about why their marriage was in trouble. She never did. I always hoped they would split so they could both be happy apart but they never did, and they made a go of things despite me seeing their relationship wasn't great.
I always knew he talked to random strangers online, and tried to put it out of my head. He has sent the odd £20 here and there to people for their children's birthdays, usually women in Thailand etc. He's never been there, or met any of them.
Now my mum is gone. I'm so so heartbroken. She was seriously the best mum I could have had. But my DH is FURIOUS about my dad sending money to people he doesn't know, says it's disrespectful to my mum, which of course it is, but dad's a grown-up and although I disapprove, there's very little I can do apart from tell him, which I have, and he says he's not stupid, they are his friends etc.
DH thinks I should walk away from him, cut him loose, have nothing more to do with him. DH loved my mum, you see.

I'm heartbroken. I can't walk away from dad even though I hate this aspect of him, but who else does he have? ie nobody, he relied on mum to sort their shared social life out. And I'm heartbroken that DH is being so difficult about it - I need his support, I'm not asking him to validate dad's behaviour, but I'm just so so upset he isn't massively supportive of me. He would genuinely have nothing more to do with him and I just can't do that.

Don't want to burden the kids, can't clearly talk to DH, dad is minimising sending money (and probably god knows what else) to these people, cant talk to mum's brother who would be so so upset.
So. Wise vipers. Words of support. Please. And be kind, for I am so very broken.

OP posts:

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 09/05/2022 21:41

Sorry for your loss. It sounds as if there are lots of issues with your dad, but I don’t really get why it’s your DH’s business what he does with his money.

Don’t rush into any decisions at the moment. Give yourself time to grieve.

AnotherEmma · 09/05/2022 21:42

Firstly I am so very sorry for your loss.
Secondly, your "D"H needs to give his bloody head a wobble. You've just lost your mum for God's sake. He needs to shut the fuck up and be supportive. Of course he's grieving too, and for some people grief can manifest as anger, but that doesn't mean he gets to rant to you and tell you what to do. Can you give him a stern talking to? Do you have a good mutual friend who would?! If not, do you have a close friend you could go and stay with for a bit of peace and gentle support?
This is not the time to make any judgements or decisions about your dad and what he did. Now is the time to focus on saying goodbye to your mum, dealing with all the practicalities, and being kind to yourself as you grieve. The rest can come later.

catandcoffee · 09/05/2022 21:44

so sorry for the loss of your lovely Mum OP......💐

MaggieFS · 09/05/2022 21:44

I'm sorry for your loss. Whatever happens, now is not the time for big decisions, nor discussions about difficult topics.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 09/05/2022 21:45

Not clear why your DH has an issue with your dad spending his own money how he likes??

So sorry for your loss 💐

Circumferences · 09/05/2022 21:50

Your DH is being U and really insensitive.

Ok your dad made pretty bad mistakes and seems to want to use his money in unusual ways, buy surely he has redeeming characteristics or your mum wouldn't have stayed. Surely your DH liked your dad before finding this out? Did he have problems with him anyway?

sjxoxo · 09/05/2022 21:53

so sorry for your loss op. I have a friend whose dad also sends money to these ‘women’. She has tried very hard to make him stop; unsuccessfully. He has sent thousands and thousands, and even had police round to explain to him how these scams work.. often it’s not even ‘women’ and they literally have shifts of people sending messages etc. My parents have a gardener who is also a friend, male early 70s and he also sends money to a ‘woman’ in Thailand. I don’t think there is a cure and from what I know these people are very persistant with their hounding for money.

totally get why your DH is upset but ultimately it’s your dads money to spend how he likes. My friend hasnt been able to talk sense to her dad but if your dad is more streetwise perhaps he’ll listen.. I know my friend was able to talk to the police and they have a team that go round and talk to people about this because it’s now so widespread! Good luck. xox

GooseberryJam · 09/05/2022 21:54

AnotherEmma · 09/05/2022 21:42

This! It's not at all the time for your D H to police your relationship with your dad. I am sorry. I've been there with the sudden death of my mum too. Be very kind to yourself and be direct with your husband about what you do and don't need from him.

Chiconbelge · 09/05/2022 21:55

So sorry for your loss. Why is your DH focussing on this right now? Why does he think that a decision is needed immediately? Has something happened to do with money? If not, what on earth is your DH’s excuse at this terrible time for making it all about this and pushing you into making decisions that don’t need making right now?

SarahAndQuack · 09/05/2022 22:23

Absolutely what @AnotherEmma said!

Why on earth does your DH think this is any of his business, or in any way important right now? I'm sorry, but however much he loved your mum, it's not his call to make how you relate to your dad.

You need to tell him very plainly that, right now, the mental and emotional space you have belongs to your mum. You are concentrating on her right now: grieving, and doing all the inevitable sorting-out that's needed. If he loved her, he should understand that.

You only get to do those few days after a bereavement once, and it is incredibly important you do the things that matter to you - it will make a huge difference in terms of how you cope with this loss in the long run.

Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 09/05/2022 22:23

Your relationship with your dad is non of dh business. It’s common practice people don’t get on with thier in-laws but insisting you cease communication is a step to far.
my MIL told me to get an abortion when I was pregnant with DS, I didn’t tell DP, because i knew thier already fractured relationship would blow up, he found out from her and blew up at her anyway. He refused to speak to her. She absolutely adored DS in the end, and they were mending thier broken relationship before she died 2 years later. It’s not my place to get involved just as DP doesn’t try to control my relationship with my parents.

neednotknow · 09/05/2022 22:30

Sorry for your loss.

Your mum would want you to be happy and take the time to grieve your relationship.

Your dh needs to step back. Normally a dh taking a hard moral stance to this type of behaviour would be good but right now you don't need it.

Don't feel guilty, he's your dad. You've just lost one parent, if you feel like you still want a relationship with him, your choice should be respected.

Wishing you the best.

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 22:31

So sorry on the loss of you mum, OP
Its a shock to the system to lose your mum like a thunder bolt.

Your DH needs to unscrew himself from the ceiling. He is being very unreasonable. The money is your dads money so your DH has no say about it. If anything, your dad is being scammed as he is vulnerable at his age and so deserves sympathy and support. Not to be ostracised and cut off.

Youre absolutely correct your DH should be supporting and comforting you, not creating drama. I’d give him a firm dressing down and tell him what’s what.

spongedog · 09/05/2022 23:28

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss. You are clearly missing your mum.

I am in my 50's and have been on the phone this evening to a good (male and only) friend of similar-ish age. His parents are struggling - mum who historically was the one who provided all support in the house - cooking, cleaning etc can no longer do so. Dad (quite a bit older) is now doing this but resenting. He summarised and said they love each other but cant live together. So each wants a different path = in their 70s/80s after decades of marriage. And it does sound as if your mum and dad were on different paths.

What is lovely about your OP is clearly how much your DH loves your Mum and he doesnt want her memory or her life disrespected by friends/scammers. That is OK and probably part of his grieving process. But he does also need to understand that you will need to let things go for a while that are not OK.

It is worth finding out what can be done to stop these people accessing his funds - do you have a family friend that could help? That might help reassure both you and DH.

mathanxiety · 09/05/2022 23:51

Does your H have form for making everything all about his feelings? Someone who doesn't understand there is a time and a place for everything?

Is it possible you have graduated from an over sharing dad who failed to observe proper boundaries to a hissy fit throwing husband who is also failing to realise that his feelings are not your primary focus and he shouldn't expect them to be?

Sorry you lost your mum

Tell your H straight up that he needs to take a cold shower and show you way more respect than he is currently giving you.

Original poster

cafenoirbiscuit · 10/05/2022 07:32

Thanks x
DH has apologised this morning but I feel so lonely without my lovely mum. I suspect dad is going to continue to be a challenge - any advice on how I can handle this?
im just so scared

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 10/05/2022 08:21

I am very sorry for your loss and I get your hubby is grieving and I am also sorry for his loss - but he doesn't get to upset your grieving process by telling you what sort of relationship you can have with your own parent. Maybe show him this thread.

ittakes2 · 10/05/2022 08:32

Sorry missed your last post. I am glad your husband has apologised. I think though he has influenced you because your initial approach was your dad is an adult you need to let him get on with it. Don't have high expectations for your dad and you won't be disappointed. Help him like you think your mum would want you too. As much as you feel comfortable with.

ItWillBeOkHonestly · 10/05/2022 08:50

Ahh, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. The same thing happened to my mum last year too. She was 76, very active and boom, just like that she was gone from a heart attack. I know very much how awful, confusing, painful and utterly bewildering those early days are.

It sounds like your DH doesn't know how to manage all these insane emotions and so is redirecting them into anger toward your dad. But the other posters are right, how your dad spends his own money is your dad's business only. If he wants to be daft, then if he's in full control of his mental faculties, then all you can do is advise and suggest. But now is not the right time. Right now you've got to hunker down as a family and grieve together, plan the arrangements and then begin the painful process of figuring out a 'new normal'.

If your DP is pressuring you, tell him 'I've just lost my mum. I cannot face also losing my dad' and let him know it's not up for discussion, at least not right now anyway.

I know full well how hard this is. My thoughts are with you.

StrangeCondition · 10/05/2022 09:13

The cynic in me thinks it sounds like your DH is worried your dad is spending your inheritance

endofthelinefinally · 10/05/2022 09:19

I am so sorry for your loss.
Did your mum leave a will? Who is the executor?
You need to sort that out first.
You cant do much about your dad unless you have proveable safeguarding concerns, in which case you need legal advice and social services input.
If he is sending money from his own personal account you can't do much unless you can prove concerns as above.

Original poster

cafenoirbiscuit · 10/05/2022 09:21

StrangeCondition · 10/05/2022 09:13

The cynic in me thinks it sounds like your DH is worried your dad is spending your inheritance

Possibly he is. Mum wanted her half to go to me and her grandchildren. But as dad now has inherited everything I guess that may not happen.

He has his lump-sum from his pension and that will hit his bank account in the next few days now it's out of the ISA it was in, and that should buy him some flights to stay with relatives all over the world. I can't bear to think of him being lonely here
It's all such a mess in my head, and as an only child I don't have lots of places to go with any of it. I've always been the one who has supported everyone and don't really know how to get support for myself.
Thanks all for the messages. They mean more than you can ever know.

OP posts:

Original poster

cafenoirbiscuit · 10/05/2022 09:22

And to be clear, I don't have any expectations of inheriting his half - if he wants to spend it then that's ok with me. But morally, mum wanted her share to go to us, and I so want to honour her last wishes

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 10/05/2022 09:27

I am so sorry. If she didn't make a will he gets everything.

moose62 · 10/05/2022 09:37

If she didn't make a will he does not get everything! Anything in joint names will be added up and depending on the size of the 'estate' he will get the first £250,000. Anything after that goes to children or other relatives.

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