My mum has died and now I'm left with a nightmare

[cafenoirbiscuit]

Sorry this may be long.
12 days ago my lovely mum collapsed and died out of the blue. Although she was in her 80s, she was fit and well so it was such a shock. She has left behind my dad and I. I live at the other end of the country to them. I don't have siblings.
My dad has always been a bit of a handful. He had a 5 year affair when I was a teenager, and he totally overshared with me about why their marriage was in trouble. She never did. I always hoped they would split so they could both be happy apart but they never did, and they made a go of things despite me seeing their relationship wasn't great.
I always knew he talked to random strangers online, and tried to put it out of my head. He has sent the odd £20 here and there to people for their children's birthdays, usually women in Thailand etc. He's never been there, or met any of them.
Now my mum is gone. I'm so so heartbroken. She was seriously the best mum I could have had. But my DH is FURIOUS about my dad sending money to people he doesn't know, says it's disrespectful to my mum, which of course it is, but dad's a grown-up and although I disapprove, there's very little I can do apart from tell him, which I have, and he says he's not stupid, they are his friends etc.
DH thinks I should walk away from him, cut him loose, have nothing more to do with him. DH loved my mum, you see.

I'm heartbroken. I can't walk away from dad even though I hate this aspect of him, but who else does he have? ie nobody, he relied on mum to sort their shared social life out. And I'm heartbroken that DH is being so difficult about it - I need his support, I'm not asking him to validate dad's behaviour, but I'm just so so upset he isn't massively supportive of me. He would genuinely have nothing more to do with him and I just can't do that.

Don't want to burden the kids, can't clearly talk to DH, dad is minimising sending money (and probably god knows what else) to these people, cant talk to mum's brother who would be so so upset.
So. Wise vipers. Words of support. Please. And be kind, for I am so very broken.

The really sad thing is that there are lots of ways your Mum could have protected her share, but didn't. There is nothing to be done about that now.
I think you and dh need to find a way to be on the same page. And that is having a discussion when it's all cooled down a bit.

Bloody hell, how dare he be putting crap like this in your head when you're grieving......... I'd be shutting that conversation right down and telling him now isn't the time for his thoughts to be heard out loud.

Just try and protect yourself a little from your Dad here - your Mum's wishes to leave something to you are literally irrelevant in the eyes of the law. And there may be a chance that your Dad blows the lot on a Thai bride...... my Dad blew £85k on a 17 year old Russian student who of course disappeared into the ether when the money ran out. I'm now the mug financially supporting him............ but when his time comes, I will stand at his graveside with a clearer conscience than my Dad has ever had. I do what I do for him on my terms and no one elses.

I'm so very sorry for your loss

No. Assuming the OP is in England or Wales and her DM did not make a will:

The husband, wife or civil partner keeps all the assets (including property), up to £270,000, and all the personal possessions, whatever their value.

The remainder of the estate will be shared as follows:

• the husband, wife or civil partner gets an absolute interest in half of the remainder


• the other half is then divided equally between the surviving children

And it can be further complicated by how the house was owned.

🌷on the loss of your mum.

Right now, you don't have to do anything. Take your time to grieve. Your Dad is an adult (also grieving) and you will find a way forward on both sides, with your relationship. You can't choose what he does with his money, nor are you responsible for his happiness. I am not advocating that you cut him off; more that you decide how much of yourself you are happy to give without burning out.

Its not as clear cut as that

If they own the home together - he will get that automatically.

If they had a joint account - he would automatically get that.

he will get any possessions.

If she had savings in her own right, then he will get them, up to £270K, so OPs mum would need to have owned the property as a tenant in common, and had savings, and still would only get any excess from £270K

Do you know if she DID leave a will?

OP Im sorry about your mum, and can understand the feelings around your dad. Im glad your DH has apologised, but really he cant be dictating your relationship with your dad, even though its challenging - that is your decision, and his role is to support that

Sorry for your loss op.

Might sound silly but next time you visit your dad, if there are any special sentimental items of your mum's that you would like, or you knew she wanted you to have specifically, ask him then if you can take them home with you.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, and I’m glad your DH has apologised as his comments were outrageous.

You must still be reeling in shock as it was so recent. Can I just gently suggest that now is not the time to be making big decisions. From your comments above, it sounds like you or your dad have cashed in an ISA and are planning to send him off visiting relatives? Surely he needs some time to adjust and grieve. Apologies if I have misinterpreted this comment.

I feel I should also say (though this sounds harsh) that if your dad is likely to be ‘taken in’ by scams, which could escalate now your mum is not in the picture, you should perhaps be thinking about taking any mementos/ jewellery that belonged to your mum sooner rather than later. I have seen a few posts here on MN where bereaved parents have remarried and family mementos have been lost or gone to the ‘new’ family.

I hope this doesn’t come over too unfeeling - but practically speaking:

Are you sure she did not have a will?

if not, could you ask your father if you could have some mementos to remember her by? Jewellery etc? Sometimes things that are of most comfort are not expensive anyway.

How old is your Dad? If he is behaving irrationally could it be dementia related? Giving money to strangers can be a first sign.

The care home my relative went into cost £1000 a week and the council were very keen on looking where any money had gone for the years beforehand. This has implications now because getting a bit of money now is understandable when it was your mum’s wish. If there is anyway you can approach this with your dad?

Many people imagine they are going to end up with an inheritance but you have the right attitude. It can all go so quickly in a care home and none of us know if that’s where we’ll end up.

apologies if it sounds a bit off when you are grieving but just a few things to consider

If your DH loved your mum, this may be his way of grieving, lashing out at your father for wasting money on overseas scammers. It's shit and not helping you though.
Just tell him you understand his point but you really need his support right now.
Then hopefully he'll let it go.

Scared? What are you scared of, OP? That's an unusual word to use, if it's just about your husband being pissed off with your dad.

Sorry about your Mum

I’m sorry for your loss.

I can totally see where your DH is coming from. If he loved your mum he’s probably (quite rightly) disgusted by your dads behaviour.

Your mum only died 12 days ago, and your dad can’t even put on hold his “talking to random strangers” i.e. other women, and sending money to female “friends” in Thailand for even a short while.

It sounds like he was completely disrespectful to your mother and their relationship while she was alive, and he can’t even pack it in and be respectful to her memory for a couple of weeks now that she’s died.

I don’t doubt your dad will come crying to you and your DH when these women have rinsed him for everything and he’s skint, and he’ll be expecting you and your DH to pick up the pieces.

Gosh - you poor thing. Grieving is so hard and the relationship with the parent left behind is under quite a lot of strain anyway.

You will work out a way of letting your Dad be and keeping a relationship with him. That is, after all, what matters most at the end of the day.

Give yourself time. Cut yourself slack. Don’t try to control him, as I’m sure it will be futile.

I really feel for you

If your DF is sending money to 'friends' in Thailand, he's most likely being scammed. Could you maybe let his bank know about that danger?

Why is your dad going to be challenge and why does it make you scared? Does he have capacity? Is it you think he may come to you for money?

I would go and visit your dad asap if I were you, if you're not already with him.

Take all of your mum's belongings that you want.

Go with your H to a solicitor and ask about getting a LPA in place for your dad for financial and health purposes. This has to be done before your dad shows any signs of dementia that a doctor would spot.

Broach the subject of the LPA with your dad. This may not be easy.
Broach the subject of you getting access to see his bank account. Not to use it but to see what's there - get his login info, or if he doesn't do online banking set it up with your email address.

Make sure your dad has made a will.

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of your mum. Sending my sympathy to you and your husband.
There is another posting that you should look at as it has some sensible advice on vunerable people sending money overseas. Not your situation exactly but it might be helpful. It's titled 'Challenging my Aunt this evening'.

So sorry about your Mum. A sudden death is such a terrible shock and it will take a long long time for you even to begin to process it and come to terms with it.

Unfortunately your Mum should have written a will if she wanted to be sure you received your share. You Dad can do whatever he likes with what he has inherited.

Your DH sounds like he was thinking about how much inheritance you would get when your Dad also dies - ie. wanting this money going to Thailand stopped so that the inheritance isn't run down...
This is none of your DH's business whatsoever and what he said to you is awful - basically trying to choose between your Dad and him.

It sounds like your Dad is being scammed and you do need to talk to him about this to try to get him to stop.

Tell your dh that you just lost one parent and you can’t lose the other immediately, no matter how much of a prat he is. So him telling you that you need to cut him loose is unkind at this stage.

regarding your mum, try to take comfort in the fact that she died suddenly rather than degenerating physically and mentally. It is really horrible for you but it was a relatively kind way for her to go without too much suffering.

There is a will - mirrored with my dad. They say the same thing.
ie everything goes to the other one in the event of death, apart from mums jewellery which goes to me and I now have.
if he wants to blow it all, he can, but I suspect he won’t.
DH is in a much better place - his own dad died 6 months ago, so there is some trauma attached to that.

but I miss my mum. How to get over that?

You don’t get over it but it gets easier with time xxxx
One thing that may be on comfort is this story
historydaily.org/how-to-deal-with-grief

I'm so sorry for your loss. You need time to process this.

Once you have started to I think you need to discuss things with your DF to see if your DMs money can be legally ring fence as your DF might give it all to these friends.

Would your DF consider a deed of variation to your DM's will, to allow some of her estate to come to you?

I’m so so sorry about your mother and I’m so so sorry about how your husband is behaving, to demand those things of you is vile, beyond vile. And as you are both grieving as well, it makes it heinous.

Your father can do what he wants with his own money. Your husband isn’t entitled to it, and that’s clearly what’s behind this, if your father wants to give it to a local cats home, he can and your husband needs to keep his grubby little hands off and avert his greedy little eyes

he needs to be supporting you and your father. Not eying up your inheritance.

I'm so sorry to hear all of this. Losing a parent is awful at the best of times, never mind when it opens a whole can of worms.

My husband similarly holds my family to higher standards than I do (he's always saying "can you BELIEVE so-and-so said this?!!", and I'm like "yes, of course I can believe that, I've known them 20 years longer than you, that's what they've always been like, you have to get over it" etc)

I think that if your husband wants nothing more to do with your father then he doesn't have to. But he doesn't get to tell you that you have to cut all contact. If you want to keep your dad in your life, then that is absolutely your own decision.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also lost my mum suddenly (although in her 80s too so not entirely unexpected, it is one thing to think "it could happen" and another thing when it actually does happen). She was my best friend and I saw her or spoke to her every day, so the first six months without her have been very hard.

I don't think you get over the grief. I think you learn to live alongside it, and to bear the fact that remembering and missing someone, is a facet of your love for them. It brings pain, but i wouldnt be without my memories of her as they are precious to me.

Your dad sounds like a big problem! I don't have much advice there except to say - I agree your DH's anger is probably the result of his grief. And I think pps' advice not to make big decisions yourself yet, and to work on accepting you can't necessarily control the outcomes of your dad's decisions and behaviour. When you realise it is not within your power to control, you can let go of some of it. That might mean your inheritance is squandered but that may be unpreventable. And your mum at least doesn't have to put up with knowing about what he does now - she's spared that. And I'm sure she would wish you to be spared any discomfort or sadness or loss as a result of what your dad does now she's gone. Don't feel like you have to be responsible for him and all the problems he bring. It doesnt do anything to honour your mum's memory, to take it all upon yourself. You honour her memory just by missing her and loving her. That's enough.