My mum has died and now I'm left with a nightmare

[cafenoirbiscuit]

Sorry this may be long.
12 days ago my lovely mum collapsed and died out of the blue. Although she was in her 80s, she was fit and well so it was such a shock. She has left behind my dad and I. I live at the other end of the country to them. I don't have siblings.
My dad has always been a bit of a handful. He had a 5 year affair when I was a teenager, and he totally overshared with me about why their marriage was in trouble. She never did. I always hoped they would split so they could both be happy apart but they never did, and they made a go of things despite me seeing their relationship wasn't great.
I always knew he talked to random strangers online, and tried to put it out of my head. He has sent the odd £20 here and there to people for their children's birthdays, usually women in Thailand etc. He's never been there, or met any of them.
Now my mum is gone. I'm so so heartbroken. She was seriously the best mum I could have had. But my DH is FURIOUS about my dad sending money to people he doesn't know, says it's disrespectful to my mum, which of course it is, but dad's a grown-up and although I disapprove, there's very little I can do apart from tell him, which I have, and he says he's not stupid, they are his friends etc.
DH thinks I should walk away from him, cut him loose, have nothing more to do with him. DH loved my mum, you see.

I'm heartbroken. I can't walk away from dad even though I hate this aspect of him, but who else does he have? ie nobody, he relied on mum to sort their shared social life out. And I'm heartbroken that DH is being so difficult about it - I need his support, I'm not asking him to validate dad's behaviour, but I'm just so so upset he isn't massively supportive of me. He would genuinely have nothing more to do with him and I just can't do that.

Don't want to burden the kids, can't clearly talk to DH, dad is minimising sending money (and probably god knows what else) to these people, cant talk to mum's brother who would be so so upset.
So. Wise vipers. Words of support. Please. And be kind, for I am so very broken.

I’m so sorry for your loss op
xx

agree with PP who said do very little
a very good phrase I learnt from NVR is ‘strike when the iron is cold’

tour husband is being totally silly
but he’s grieving and not in his head

this is no time to discuss or contemplate such a thing , and he needs to gently back off

look after yourself and no major decisions

I do think that a conversation with your dad's bank would be advised if he's being scammed. They definitely have teams and systems that can check/block payments that don't seem right.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It takes time to process everything and as your mum passed suddenly and unexpectedly you also have the shock to cope with. Do read all you can on grief, it helps. I also found it helped to write down how I was feeling.
You learn to live differently but I can promise you you won’t always feel this bad, it does get easier.

I looked through his bank statements. He’s sending £300 on average every month abroad via a card payment system. He lied. It’s not just £20 for a birthday. I haven’t told him I know yet. He’ll take it as a massive invasion of his privacy, which it is. How do I even broach it with him?

Is there anything I can do? He’s clearly being scammed. Would the police or the bank even care? He will think he is helping these poor people who have such awful lives, I’m sure.

Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated right now

Contact action fraud
www.actionfraud.police.uk

they have a “report for victim” button.

I suspect he won't see himself as a victim though.

God I miss my mum.