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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I get my boyfriend to do more housework

75 replies

WilliowGreen · 08/05/2022 15:26

We moved in together in November and it is all going well. I feel a lot happier with him here. However he does virtually nothing around the house. We both work full time and I am shattered all the time. DS is nearly 4 and still needs me to stay with him when he goes to sleep.

He is off work at the moment because he has a broken arm. I know that he is very limited in what he can do but he has still not unpacked some of his stuff from moving in. I have organised some of it myself as it was cluttering up the house.

He does try. He sometimes makes Sunday lunch but he always leaves me to do all the washing up and by then I wish we had just had something simple for dinner so I didn’t have to tidy it up.

I don’t want to get in to a pattern that it is just me who does everything. How can I get him to do more.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/05/2022 15:53

You need to sit down and decide what you’re both going to do. He needs to do 50%.

Shoxfordian · 08/05/2022 15:54

You’re already in the pattern that you do everything unless he changes dramatically then it’s not going to work

Shinyandnew1 · 08/05/2022 15:55

You need to tell him how you feel now. If he paying for 50% of bills and food?

Shinyandnew1 · 08/05/2022 15:56

Who does the washing?

If he’s moved in to your house and is expecting you to cook and clean for him as well as wash his clothes, you need to say something asap! Do you want this man
child to care for?!

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2022 15:57

Why is it your responsibility to "get" him to behave like an adult? Sorry, op, but this is a lost cause. He's useless and you've already formed the pattern of you being the skivvy. What a shame, this is how the rest of your life is going to be. I would never tolerate this shit.

NewandNotImproved · 08/05/2022 16:00

I’m sure people will suggest you think up and create little charts for him and tell him he needs to function on a basic level as an adult, but this is more work for you, and completely futile. He knows. He thinks it’s beneath him, and it’s what you’re for, and you facilitate this.

‘He doesn’t realise-/if I don’t do it it won’t get done’ are the cliches said by women who picked losers to live with and have a kid with. It doesn’t look like living together is working, so tell him he needs to step up and contribute to the running of the house, obviously, since he’s failed so far, and that you’re considering if it’d be better to live separately and just date and enjoy the relationship.

Original poster
WilliowGreen · 08/05/2022 16:09

He does pay half the bills. He will do the grocery shopping. It is things like washing, cleaning and tidying up that I want him to help with.

He goes out a lot of evenings and has a long journey to collect his child at the weekend so he is not in the house as much as me.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 08/05/2022 16:10

WilliowGreen · 08/05/2022 16:09

He does pay half the bills. He will do the grocery shopping. It is things like washing, cleaning and tidying up that I want him to help with.

He goes out a lot of evenings and has a long journey to collect his child at the weekend so he is not in the house as much as me.

You really need to get out of the mindset that he’s ‘helping’ you. It’s called doing his fair share!

something2say · 08/05/2022 16:17

He goes out while you do everything. You make it ok.

Confusion101 · 08/05/2022 16:20

We have specific jobs we always do, and then the daily jobs are split in half e.g. one person cooks, the other person cleans. You need to just be honest with him and tell him you need more help. Some people (regardless of gender) genuinely don't see things to be done unless they are told!

Original poster
WilliowGreen · 08/05/2022 16:23

Confusion101 · 08/05/2022 16:20

We have specific jobs we always do, and then the daily jobs are split in half e.g. one person cooks, the other person cleans. You need to just be honest with him and tell him you need more help. Some people (regardless of gender) genuinely don't see things to be done unless they are told!

I think he is like this. He doesn’t see it and I do a lot when he is not here but he does know that I am stressed about it all.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 16:23

Start saying "it's your turn to wash up" or whatever if you don't want to divide up chores.
Just tell him he's not pulling his weight and he needs to start.

Loopytiles · 08/05/2022 16:24

It is not ‘all going well’!

Your DP doing domestic work would not be ‘helping’, it’d be doing his fair share. His unwillingness to do that suggests lack of love and respect for you and you’re both setting a bad example for DS.

Is DS your boyfriend’s son? If not, and you didn’t agree the extent to which he’d get involved in parenting, would seek to agree that now. (If you decide to continue living with someone unwilling to do a fair share).

Stade197 · 08/05/2022 16:25

A friend of mine got a magnetic weekly planner/cleaning schedule online and sat with her husband and they divided up the jobs between them, wrote them down & stuck it on the fridge. It's not something I have seen anyone else do before but it does work for them

Loopytiles · 08/05/2022 16:26

He understands what needs to be done and would be fully capable of doing it. He just doesn’t want to and/or thinks you should do it because you’re a woman (so is sexist).

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/05/2022 16:27

What was his place like before? If it was a shit tip you shouldn’t be surprised he’s lazy. If it was alright you know he’s taking you for a fool.

And bollocks that he doesn’t see stuff. Of all the excuses that one pisses me right off. As if he can’t see mess and dirt. Honestly.

Confusion101 · 08/05/2022 16:31

I love all the people here telling you what he's thinking and that he doesn't respect you! 🙄 Wouldn't be a mumsnet thread unless somebody is bashing a man and trying to convince you to leave him!
I genuinely think some people just don't see things to be done. Even with me and my OH, he always notices cobwebs in the corners (old house), I never see them, but I always see dirt on the floor which he doesn't see.
Just be honest and say he needs to pull his weight more! 😊

BlueOverYellow · 08/05/2022 16:40

Move out.

Seriously.

Tell him you're moving out because if you're going to do all the housework, you'd rather just do it for yourself than have to do another fully functioning adult's share as well.

Loopytiles · 08/05/2022 16:49

OP isn’t talking about cobwebs. She says her DP does very little domestic work.

It’s improbable he ‘doesn’t see it’. Far more likely he doesn’t want to do it!

Not sharing domestic work with the person/people you live with suggests lack of respect and care/concern for them. Other explanations bring to mind ‘he didn’t call because he lost my phone number/got hit by a bus’ when the most likely explanation is ‘not into you’!

smallbirdwidesky · 08/05/2022 16:58

He does try. He sometimes makes Sunday lunch

This isn't trying.

Look, he's a lazy fuck who thinks housework is women's work. He probably won't change.

But you can easily find out by saying housework needs to be shared 50/50 and agreeing who does what. If he doesn't start doing 50/50 you know it is time to cut your losses and run.

Unless you want to become unpaid housekeeper and cook. Because that is what you are currently.

Dacquoise · 08/05/2022 17:15

In my experience, and this applies to males and females, if the household they were brought up in had traditional roles where one person did the bulk of the grunt work whilst the other one brought money in and didn't see it their responsibility, they may not have been given chores to do as children/young adults because it fell to one person, usually female. It becomes their norm.

When they leave home they don't naturally take on these tasks or even prioritise them because they have never had to. Hence, they move in with someone and don't even think about cleaning the bathroom because it was always done for them.

In this situation it's almost as if you have to retrain them and be very specific about their share, which is unfair on you and puts you in the parent role to his child. If they don't step up, what are the consequences? Are you prepared to kick him out because having to constantly 'remind' him is another stress on you?

Your partner goes out a lot, housework isn't a priority to him and he uses his free time to socialise anyway so isn't bothered about the state of the house. I think this is probably the biggest killer of relationships as the inequality will wear away at you the longer it goes on. Can you give it one last try to divvy up chores and if he doesn't step up, ask him to move out? Not yo move in again until this is resolved. It will test the strength of his commitment to the relationship if he wants to live with you.

JuneOsborne · 08/05/2022 17:18

So, before he lived with you, he cleaned his bathroom, did his laundry, washed up after himself etc?

If he did, then I'd just say 'how come you've moved in here and stopped adulting? That wasn't the deal.'

If he didn't, well, this isn't a surprise and is unlikely to ever resolve.

Original poster
WilliowGreen · 08/05/2022 17:23

His Dad does loads of housework and his parents house is always immaculate. The house he lived in before he moved in was always tidy but he didn’t clean it often.

I will talk to him and possibly divide up some of the jobs. The house doesn’t have to be perfect I just want to feel less stressed about it.

OP posts:
NewandNotImproved · 08/05/2022 17:29

Ah, the old ‘he doesn’t see it’ myth 😄 good luck with that.

Dacquoise · 08/05/2022 17:29

A good way to divide the chores is to play to your strengths and preferences, that way you may be better motivated to actually do it. In our house I don't mind ironing so do all the laundry, also I love cooking, partner doesn't mind mowing the lawn, putting the bins out, loading the dishwasher and washing floors.