How can I get my boyfriend to do more housework

[WilliowGreen]

We moved in together in November and it is all going well. I feel a lot happier with him here. However he does virtually nothing around the house. We both work full time and I am shattered all the time. DS is nearly 4 and still needs me to stay with him when he goes to sleep.

He is off work at the moment because he has a broken arm. I know that he is very limited in what he can do but he has still not unpacked some of his stuff from moving in. I have organised some of it myself as it was cluttering up the house.

He does try. He sometimes makes Sunday lunch but he always leaves me to do all the washing up and by then I wish we had just had something simple for dinner so I didn’t have to tidy it up.

I don’t want to get in to a pattern that it is just me who does everything. How can I get him to do more.

@AlisonDonut you must be wonder woman. I badly broke my wrist last year (pins and plates) and it was my left so not my leading hand. Whilst I only took one day off work (desk based, worked from home) I could not cook couldn't use left hand to take things out of the oven, or manage the laundry - certainly couldn't have pegged stuff on the line. I was absolutely done in by 4.30 every day.

The point is that doing all these chores is leaving you tired and resentful. Yet he doesn’t care enough to behave like an adult, and do his share. He’s probably guessed he can ride out the occasional challenge from you. What a cushy life he’s having. Also,
why did his previous relationship break down?

OP have tried twice to type a detailed reply only to have it disappear because my phone's acting up. So here's the short version:
If he doesn't do something for you don't do it for him!
I know it's harder with DCs involved but you need to stop doing stuff. He should understand your pov if he's in the same position.
His response will tell you whether your relationship is worth continuing.

it is all going well

he does virtually nothing around the house

How can these two statements both be correct at the same time.

Goodness, start how you mean to go on. A serious conversation about each pulling their weight. Give it a month and if he doesn't step up then you are not compatible.

Meanwhile, don't just do his share for him and whatever else, do not get pregnant.

that I want him to help with.

You really don't need his help. You need him to pull his weight. Please get that clear in your own mind

A cleaner is only a solution for a few hours after they have last cleaned. You need a partner who does his fair share. Ask him whether he wants to do his fair share and if do, what is going to change? Make sure you know what to do if he doesn't step up.

I realise that I haven’t been assertive enough with him. I lack confidence in asking for things.

Why are you blaming yourself ?

This is on him. He is lazy and ignorant.

Not partner material. Your only mistake has been to accept it. Don’t make that mistake again.

It’s sad seeing thread after thread of women with men who have children from previous relationships realising why it was the ex got fed up and now they are the ones lumbered.

Don't do any of his laundry. If he asks why he's got no clothes simply say 'because you didn't wash any?'. Leave his cups/plates unwashed and let them pile up. When he asks why say 'well you used them and didn't wash them so of course they're still there'.

Etc.

First though just have an honest convo and say when his arms healed he needs to buck up because it's out of order.

OP, you are not the problem. He's the problem. I'm sorry he's such a lazy sod. He's not lazy because you aren't being assertive enough.

Stop framing it as asking him to 'help' you or wanting him to 'help' you.

Him doing half of the adult jobs in a home with two adults isn't 'helping' you or doing you a favour. It's just doing the absolute bare minimum.

This gets exhausting quickly. He basically thinks you should have to cook, clean and tidy up more than he should have to.

Either lazy and selfish or lazy, selfish and misogynist tbh...

I think this is what upsets me about the situation. He clearly thinks it is all for me to do and when he does do something he frames it as him helping me. I also worry that the fact that he goes out so often does make me think that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

I realise that I haven’t been assertive enough with him. I lack confidence in asking for things.

No, that's not it at all. You shouldn't have to ask or be assertive. He should share the domestic load because he's an adult and it a house that he lives in, not because he gets told or asked to do it!

Put this to him then.

"I'm confused as to why you seem to think that cleaning and tidying is my job rather than a completely shared part of everyday life? I didn't think you were a sexist but can't see any reason you feel it's my job more than yours other than the fact I have a vagina. I don't want to live with a sexist so can you explain what will be changing to show me that you aren't one?"

And if he doesn't buck up then do some serious thinking.

Men who don't think cleaning falls under a 'things I should have to contribute to' tend to feel exactly the same way about babies.

Do you want to be at exhausted, on your knees after a baby and have to ask him to 'help' you by changing his own child's nappy, for which he'll want a massive pat on the back?

Ask him outright what I've said above re why is it your job to clean and tidy. Really ask him.

You've had some great advice here, OP. You really are worth more than being a household appliance for a lazy man.

Hope you manage to have that conversation with him. Practice it in your head if necessary and be clear of the outcome you want - and stick to it. The thing is, the more you practice being assertive, the easier it gets. Good luck. 🌹

I lack confidence in asking for things.

Maybe.

But it's not rocket science for him to know he should do his share. He knows what is fair and he is still just letting you get on and do more than your own share.

This is not what I would call things going well. This is what I would call him being a lazy a*se and not doing his share.

Why should you have to ask him to do his share.

He frames it as helping. Honestly , ask him one time if he realises that this is what is happening. Make sure you have a plan in place so you can move out again sharpish unless he really turns it round.

I agree with this. But at best he might do something in the short term. It wont change his opinions, that it is womens work.

honestly, bin him and find a functioning adult to live with.

When he moved in with you, did he move away from his child?

But at best he might do something in the short term. It wont change his opinions, that it is womens work. honestly, bin him and find a functioning adult to live with.

Completely agree that the best case outcome realistically is him being 'good' for a week or two and wanting a standing ovation for it every time / insisting on telling you everything he's done for praise (exhausting to deal with) and then defaulting back to his core belief - that cleaning is women's work.

Bleurgh.

Oh and also OP, there's a little boy in the middle of all of this who is learning that cleaning and tidying is a woman's job. Something else to consider in all this. It's so damaging and perpetuates this dynamic for generations on end.

No his ex moved away to be near her family. He is very good with his child and mine.

Do you own your property? Make sure you protect it as your relationship isn’t too good, and it’s early days when it should be great.

Why does he go out in the evenings? If it's to have fun, then he's simply living a single life and using you as a stand-in mum who he also gets to have sex with. Revolting, isn't it? Put that to him and see what he says.

Best way IMO is some jobs entirely his, and some jobs entirely yours. If he doesn't do his jobs, he has to deal with the mess that ensues - don't bail him out.

If you're doing most of the cleaning in the house, it would be fair if he does all the shopping, cooking and washing up. Including preparing meals in advance for you on those days he's going to be out in the evenings.

That's going to feel way too much to him because he's currently only doing 5% of the chores. He needs to understand how much housework 50% is.

I had this problem. I earn more than him and he was doing absolutely nothing on the basis that he was working full-time from home (I am also working full-time and commuting). So I told him to quit his job. He was happy to agree to his, and he now does all the housework and all the childcare. So we've not really lost all that much money from going to one income.

By not tackling this with him you are building up a nasty store of internalised resentment, and that will kill off your otherwise promising relationship. Counselling is teaching me to prioritise honesty rather than spread oil on troubled waters in the hope everything will be OK. It's hard for us people-pleasing conflict-avoiders but it seems to work.