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Relationships

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Original poster

How can I get my boyfriend to do more housework

75 replies

WilliowGreen · 08/05/2022 15:26

We moved in together in November and it is all going well. I feel a lot happier with him here. However he does virtually nothing around the house. We both work full time and I am shattered all the time. DS is nearly 4 and still needs me to stay with him when he goes to sleep.

He is off work at the moment because he has a broken arm. I know that he is very limited in what he can do but he has still not unpacked some of his stuff from moving in. I have organised some of it myself as it was cluttering up the house.

He does try. He sometimes makes Sunday lunch but he always leaves me to do all the washing up and by then I wish we had just had something simple for dinner so I didn’t have to tidy it up.

I don’t want to get in to a pattern that it is just me who does everything. How can I get him to do more.

OP posts:

BlanketsBanned · 08/05/2022 17:33

How much can he do with one arm, was he lazy before he broke his arm, if he is off work atm he can do more but slowly. Dont unpack his stuff.

JLQ1020 · 08/05/2022 17:35

Sit down with him and have a frank and open conversation. Then divide up the household chores. Simple

RosesAndHellebores · 08/05/2022 17:38

DH and I have been married for more than 30 years. Together longer. When we met I had my own home and a cleaner. We had a really honest talk. He doesn't shop or cook to this day. He was never, ever going to clean, wash or iron. However, even when I had a baby and stopped working He was always very happy to pay someone else to clean, iron, etc, and has continued to do so. I like cooking so that wasn't a problem. He is also very, very tidy and has never been inclined to go out boozing with the boys for the sake of it.

Why are you grateful that he pays 1/2. What do you expect him to do? Let you do all the shit jobs and stump up 3/4's?

lassof · 08/05/2022 17:44

An alternative is to outsource the problem - get him to pay extra and fund a cleaner. If that isn't enough, get him to pay more and outsource more work eg the washing and ironing. Continue until things are 50:50.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2022 17:45

I want him to help with housework

here lies your problem

savoycabbage · 08/05/2022 18:14

I will talk to him and possibly divide up some of the jobs.

Why possibly? And why some of the jobs. Definitely divide up all of the jobs.

I wouldn't be trying to get anyone to do jobs. I'd have said 'what's going on here then' on the first day and I'd have moved out if things hadn't changed immediately. It's not up to you to push him to do absolutely normal things.

If you break your arm is he going to do absolutely everything?

AlisonDonut · 08/05/2022 18:23

He is off work at the moment because he has a broken arm

I smashed my elbow to pieces. The day after the operation to patch it together with various bits of metal, three days after the accident, I peeled spuds, made dinner, did the washing and put it on the line and did all normal stuff round the house, just on painkillers and very very slowly.

noborisno · 08/05/2022 18:26

Firsts, fact-find.

Sit him down and ask him to explain how come the housework is your sole job.

Don't go in looking to influence him - ask him to state the reason - he might have a good one. Give him a chance.

Then come back here with that information.

He might feel or be paying more towards things and that then warrants you to pick up the slack home, for instance.

If that's not the case he can explain exactly why he isn't responsible for half the housework. Don't let him say things like 'okay, okay, I'm sorry'

Say you're not there for an apology or for anything to change, just literally to get the reason.

MsTSwift · 08/05/2022 18:28

Weird. Are you his maid? People pay a fortune for this type of service.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2022 18:30

ask him to state the reason - he might have a good one

I can’t think of any good reason. Can you ?

noborisno · 08/05/2022 18:30

Dacquoise · 08/05/2022 17:15

In my experience, and this applies to males and females, if the household they were brought up in had traditional roles where one person did the bulk of the grunt work whilst the other one brought money in and didn't see it their responsibility, they may not have been given chores to do as children/young adults because it fell to one person, usually female. It becomes their norm.

When they leave home they don't naturally take on these tasks or even prioritise them because they have never had to. Hence, they move in with someone and don't even think about cleaning the bathroom because it was always done for them.

In this situation it's almost as if you have to retrain them and be very specific about their share, which is unfair on you and puts you in the parent role to his child. If they don't step up, what are the consequences? Are you prepared to kick him out because having to constantly 'remind' him is another stress on you?

Your partner goes out a lot, housework isn't a priority to him and he uses his free time to socialise anyway so isn't bothered about the state of the house. I think this is probably the biggest killer of relationships as the inequality will wear away at you the longer it goes on. Can you give it one last try to divvy up chores and if he doesn't step up, ask him to move out? Not yo move in again until this is resolved. It will test the strength of his commitment to the relationship if he wants to live with you.

Hm, but where's the other half of the man paying all the bills? Bit selective!

Maybe tell him if he wants a housewife he needs to be able to afford one first.

ChiefInspectorParker · 08/05/2022 18:32

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

noborisno · 08/05/2022 18:33

AnyFucker · 08/05/2022 18:30

ask him to state the reason - he might have a good one

I can’t think of any good reason. Can you ?

I can think of one and only but this is about what HE says.

PolynesianParadise · 08/05/2022 18:36

Just get a cleaner. And enjoy your weekends.

Loopytiles · 08/05/2022 18:39

A cleaner would do the cleaning: much more to domestic work than cleaning.

PolynesianParadise · 08/05/2022 18:40

For dishes, tidying up etc you can do the "I'll do the [dishes] if you [put our child to bed] and then we can sit down together"

It reminds them that (1) you expect to be allowed to sit down at the same time as them,
(2) it would be unfair if they didn't contribute something, and
(3) the job needs doing now.

PolynesianParadise · 08/05/2022 18:46

Loopytiles · 08/05/2022 18:39

A cleaner would do the cleaning: much more to domestic work than cleaning.

But because the actual cleaning is done, the remaining domestic work doesn't feel like such a burden and a stress. It takes the load off.

Krakenchorus · 08/05/2022 18:49

Adults clean up after themselves. They wash up. Do the laundry, fold it, put it in wardrobes. They wash the sheets and towels. They empty the recycling into the bin. They cook and put leftovers into the fridge. They do all that and more without being asked, because they recognise that these are the basic requirements of life.

Stop being grateful for him paying the bills and 'helping'. He is not your child. He is your partner, and you need to raise your standards. Do not make him a list of chores like a teenager earning pocket money. He does 'see it'. Same as you do. He just thinks it is your job, not his.

chisanunian · 08/05/2022 18:50

Right OP, pin back your lugholes. DO NOT ASK HIM TO HELP. Change your mindset. Housework is not woman's work, and the longer you keep thinking that you want him to help you more, you are perpetuating it, in your own head as well as his.

It isn't 'help'. He is not doing these things 'for you'. He should be doing his fair share as an equal adult in the home.

Okay, if he currently has a broken arm that's going to make things more of a challenge, but keep at it. When you are both at home, you both muck in together. If he is out because he is seeing his dc from a previous relationship fair enough, but you say he goes out a lot in the evenings? That's nice for him, isn't it? He's just leaving you with it all, isn't he? Perhaps you need to find something to do of an evening, and tell him it is his turn to stay at home this time.

Do you know what someone in the pub said to me, on pretty much the first time I went out with my friends after giving birth to my dc?
"Where's baby Chisa then? Is her dad babysitting?"
No he bloody well wasn't. He was looking after his own child!

IncompleteSenten · 08/05/2022 18:51

You sit down with him and tell him you are not his mother. It is not your job to do all things domestic or to clean up after him and he isn't helping you when he does this stuff because it's not your job. It's your equal responsibility and if he doesn't understand that, living together isn't going to work.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/05/2022 19:02

@IncompleteSenten has it
I would divide the cooking duties evenly - he does certain nights, you do others. Whoever cooks also cleans up their own mess. He can pay for a cleaner once a week. You do shopping and a bit of tidying
You each do your own laundry.

I would be prepared to end it over this if he doesn’t keep up with his share. Why would you spend your life cleaning up after a user.

toomuchlaundry · 08/05/2022 19:03

Who looks after his child?

Beamur · 08/05/2022 19:12

Did he live by himself before moving in with you? In which case he knows what is needed to run a house (and is being lazy) or has he moved in with you from living with parents? In which case he might need it pointing out that you don't intend to be his Mum.
Either way, don't hint, be very straightforward about how you expect running the house to be a joint effort. Divide up the jobs and don't make yourself in charge of compliance...

WhoppingBigBackside · 08/05/2022 19:21

It's not his help you need, he needs to pull his weight.

Agree with pp, you need to divide the chores according to strengths. If, for example, you don't mind ironning but hate doing the vacuuming and he's the opposite, make them jobs with owners

Badlifeday · 08/05/2022 19:23

I would give it a few more months - to try some ideas out - and then leave. They rarely change.

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