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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He didn't care that I left

65 replies

PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:06

I'm having a difficult time at the moment, very very stressed by a big life event and feeling very overwhelmed. My OH is also going through a different but also very stressful big life event. We don't live together. We got on absolutely amazingly before these two separate events happened this year, they are out of our control. We have had ups and downs as is normal, but this had been my best ever relationship and we love each other and normally have a great time and are kind and supportive to each other. We are now both not in a position to support each other in the way we both need, as we are both hurting and stressed by our separate situations. I left his place last night in the middle of the night after a disagreement. I was very emotional, he was very tired, we were both stressed. He swore at me in weary frustration so I left. I think I want more from him than he can give me. He didn't care that I left, didn't ask me to stay, didn't check I got home OK, I haven't heard from him today. I am looking to him for comfort at the moment and he's not giving me what I need, I want him to make me feel secure but he isn't doing enough, it's not that he's done anything wrong but he's not doing enough right. I think I am looking too much to him for my happiness. Which is an impossible ask of him. I think he is going to break up with me. He is stubborn. I want him to apologise for swearing and for not making me feel comfortable last night, and I want him to get in touch. I'm sad that he doesn't care enough to contact me. I always feel like I apologise for everything, in life generally I am that kind of person to smooth things over and say sorry to resolve things. Shall I text him or wait? If I text him, I don't know what to say, because then I will end up apologising or risk making it worse. I think he'll say that because I left I was unreasonable and it wasn't necessary and that I was being emotional and impossible, and that he couldn't do anything right, so he's just been getting on with his day as he's got lots on too. Any kind advice welcome, even if it will be hard for me to hear. I'm emotional and sad and need a handheld please.

OP posts:
BlanketsBanned · 08/05/2022 13:14

You both sound incredibly stressed, tired of it all and worn out, a disagreement may just mean you need some time apart.

Original poster
PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:14

I don't want to get into an argument over text with him, shall I suggest meeting for a coffee or a phone call today? Or wait for him?

OP posts:
Original poster
PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:15

I think we might need time apart, but I am scared of that. I feel incredibly needy at the moment.

OP posts:
BlanketsBanned · 08/05/2022 13:16

You could message saying you are thinking of him and to call you if he wants to meet up but why do you think it would become an argument, what was the disagreement about.

Original poster
PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:17

I want him to come and tell me he loves me and make things better. I want him to take all my pain away. I want to be selfish. I know this is too much, I think I am pushing him away because he's not fixing things for me. How messed up is that.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:21

I think he'll be sulky and closed, he won't think he has done anything wrong. And maybe he hasn't. So unless I take the blame I think he'll be defensive. He shouldn't have sworn at me, and he could have done more to make me comfortable. But he didn't care that I left or ask me to stay. I think that says it's over.

OP posts:
BlanketsBanned · 08/05/2022 13:22

Its not messed up but he may feel overwhelmed by your needs when he has his own problems to deal with. Do you think talking to someone else or getting counselling might help you.

SailingNotSurfing · 08/05/2022 13:23

It sounds like you need time apart, to deal with whatever is going on in your individual lives. You can't offer unconditional love and support and nor can he, not right now.

Talk to friends and family, get yourself a support network away from your partner.

Original poster
PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:24

I think I would benefit from counselling, I can't afford to at the moment though. I have friends I can talk to, but no one today.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:25

How do people navigate time apart without breaking up? How long? What terms? I feel so alone. I'm not sure I can cope by myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:26

Thank you for your replies

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/05/2022 13:27

I want him to take all my pain away. I want to be selfish. I know this is too much, I think I am pushing him away because he's not fixing things for me

You acknowledge yourself that this is messed up - and yes it is.

Have you ever looked into co-dependency? It sounds like you may have some of that going on.

BlanketsBanned · 08/05/2022 13:27

Why dont you take yourself out for a while, get some fresh air, clear your head and treat yourself to a coffee. Sitting at home going over and over this will not help either of you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/05/2022 13:30

PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:17

I want him to come and tell me he loves me and make things better. I want him to take all my pain away. I want to be selfish. I know this is too much, I think I am pushing him away because he's not fixing things for me. How messed up is that.

But why is this his role? You’ve said you are both dealing with stressful situations and each struggling to look after your own wellbeing. Perhaps he would also like you to tell him you love him and make all his problems better or try to fix them for him. If you love each other and you want to be with him, this is a situation you solve together by communicating, not by setting “tests” in pushing him away and judging his love for you by whether he chases you to the extent you think appropriate.

Time apart isn’t a bad thing, most of us need it sometimes and it can be great for processing and recalibrating. You just have to talk and be open with each other that that’s why you’re doing it, rather than use it as a weapon.

KangarooKenny · 08/05/2022 13:31

He can’t make you feel better when he’s coping with his own thing. Take a break from the relationship and heal yourself, then see where you are at.
The best thing any woman can be, is being ok alone.

Original poster
PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:34

I have offered him all of my support and helped him with his problems. I tell him I love him all the time and would do anything to make his situation better. I love him so much. If only one of us had a problem, we would and have supported each other effectively and lovingly. I think it's fallen apart because we are both the one that needs to be supported at the same time.

OP posts:
Pinkpigs · 08/05/2022 13:35

Maybe just have time apart for a few days and wait for him to get back to you if he loves you that much he will call or text so give it time both cool down

ReadyToMoveIt · 08/05/2022 13:37

BlanketsBanned · 08/05/2022 13:27

Why dont you take yourself out for a while, get some fresh air, clear your head and treat yourself to a coffee. Sitting at home going over and over this will not help either of you.

This is good advice

Blimeyherewegoagain · 08/05/2022 13:39

In the gentlest of ways OP there are an awful lot of I’s in your opening post and in subsequent ones too. He’s possibly overwhelmed by what you’re expecting of him.

Original poster
PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:40

I want to call him so much. I'm on the verge of just apologising for everything to make it better and feel better myself. What if he is hurting and wanting me to make the first move? If we both do that, nothing will be resolved. I want to drive over and hug him. For both our sakes. Has he done anything wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:41

Yes, I think I'm asking too much of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:42

I feel so sad and desperate. Thank you for your advice everyone.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 08/05/2022 13:43

He didn't care that I left, didn't ask me to stay, didn't check I got home OK.

You chose to leave OP, own it. If you expected him to chase you, then it sounds like a strategic action on your part which failed because he didn’t do what you wanted.

I’m sorry you are struggling but you wanting to ‘fix’ you the measure of most relationships is how you relate to each other in the not so happy times.

Lean on your friends.

sammylady37 · 08/05/2022 13:43

But he didn't care that I left or ask me to stay. I think that says it's over

In fairness, if you flounce off after a row, you shouldn’t expect the other person to come after you, beg you to stay/come back or whatever. Expect to be left flounce off.

Original poster
PeaceFinch · 08/05/2022 13:46

I left because he swore at me. And didn't acknowledge my apology, or apologise for swearing at me.

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