He didn't care that I left

[PeaceFinch]

I'm having a difficult time at the moment, very very stressed by a big life event and feeling very overwhelmed. My OH is also going through a different but also very stressful big life event. We don't live together. We got on absolutely amazingly before these two separate events happened this year, they are out of our control. We have had ups and downs as is normal, but this had been my best ever relationship and we love each other and normally have a great time and are kind and supportive to each other. We are now both not in a position to support each other in the way we both need, as we are both hurting and stressed by our separate situations. I left his place last night in the middle of the night after a disagreement. I was very emotional, he was very tired, we were both stressed. He swore at me in weary frustration so I left. I think I want more from him than he can give me. He didn't care that I left, didn't ask me to stay, didn't check I got home OK, I haven't heard from him today. I am looking to him for comfort at the moment and he's not giving me what I need, I want him to make me feel secure but he isn't doing enough, it's not that he's done anything wrong but he's not doing enough right. I think I am looking too much to him for my happiness. Which is an impossible ask of him. I think he is going to break up with me. He is stubborn. I want him to apologise for swearing and for not making me feel comfortable last night, and I want him to get in touch. I'm sad that he doesn't care enough to contact me. I always feel like I apologise for everything, in life generally I am that kind of person to smooth things over and say sorry to resolve things. Shall I text him or wait? If I text him, I don't know what to say, because then I will end up apologising or risk making it worse. I think he'll say that because I left I was unreasonable and it wasn't necessary and that I was being emotional and impossible, and that he couldn't do anything right, so he's just been getting on with his day as he's got lots on too. Any kind advice welcome, even if it will be hard for me to hear. I'm emotional and sad and need a handheld please.

Do I need to apologise for leaving in the middle of the night in those circumstances? I'm asking genuinely because I'm not sure anymore.

It reads that you are putting all your energy into this one relationship, and yes - expecting too much of it. I'm glad that you have friends that you can talk to. Perhaps text one of them and arrange a coffee? Is there a low cost counselling agency near you? What could you do for yourself today, that will make you happier?

I think my friends would advise me to contact him, to see if we can work it out. But the opinion on here is to not contact and give us both some space. I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone I can talk to today.

OP, you're overthinking and over-analysing everything. Stop worrying about what you should or shouldn't do. It's your life and there aren't any hard and fast rules.

That said, you do sound very needy and intense, which is no doubt complicating your relationship too. Taking a break for a while to work on yourself would probably be a good idea.

I am asking too much of him. Can anyone help with any wording that I can explain this to him? I hate the idea of time apart, but if that is best, how do I say that? I don't want to just take the blame for everything, he hasn't been blameless, but I want things to work.

No, you don't need to apologise. I would just sit this one out and see what he does. I certainly wouldn't apologise. He should have tried to persuade you to stay and at the very least checked you got home safely.

Seriously give yourselves a break from each other today, the more you push him the more he will push away. Let the dust settle, stop torturing yourself. If the relationship is strong then a few days apart wont do any harm, you could weite a letter but not post it but youre just letting this completely overwhelm your thoughts.

It does sound like you are putting your happiness and stability entirely on him. He hasn't signed up to be your boyfriend and therapist. You also say that he has stuff going on in his personal life just now, so it all probably got too much for him and he needs a minute to focus on himself. It sounds like quite an ordinary argument that couples who are getting to know each other have, and I am sure there are ways to work through it, but do give him some space too. It sounds like you are really stressed about this, and you have an instant need to fix it. Don't reach out to him today, wait until both yours and his emotions have settled a bit. You will able to see things clearer then. And don't take all the blame.

I feel completely overwhelmed. I wrote a long message last night, but didn't send it. I'm glad I didn't send it. I am writing on here now to get my thoughts out, and drafting a message that I probably won't send either.

Thank you for all of the advice. You are all helping me.

Relationships are difficult 😪

I too have had disagreements with my ex but I was also the one who always made the effort to resolve our arguments.
Our arguments were when he was drunk and he would be unreasonable, I just wanted him to come and apologise but it never happened..
So there i was sitting down like a mature adult and talking to him to make him see the errors of his ways..Swearing I would never be the one to initiate communication again.
Long story but the jist is I did walk out for a whole day and night and let him get in with it.
He was messaging and calling the next day in a right panic..So it did show him I am not going to take his shit.

Please take today to let him think about what happened and you also you can have time for yourself x

I can see the merit in us both not contacting each other today. I really can and that is probably for the best. But that is so hard. I want to hear from him, and I want to contact him. I do have a need to fix things. Does it mean he doesn't care if I don't hear from him? I don't want him to think I don't care because I haven't been in touch since leaving.

I don't want to play games, if I don't contact him it feels like a stand off to see who will break first. I don't want that. I want to say hey last night was shit, let's both take time today and speak tomorrow. We are normally in touch every day without fail so this is a big deal that we are not in touch.

I'm going to have a shower and a big glass of water.

You're putting way too much though into what he thinks, how he feels etc. Yes its nice that you care but you should also prioritize yourself too.

If you do all the resolving in the relationship and he doesn't bother, this relationship doesn't sound right in the first place. Leave him to stew, keep yourself busy and see what he does. Only time will tell how this will play out and what will be will be.

By preoccupying yourself with the immediate panic you feel (wanting to get in touch with him to 'fix' him thinking you're over etc) you're distracting yourself from thinking about the deeper issues you need to work through.

Sometimes we do this without even realising. You're keeping your brain in the fight or flight panic mode because if you disengage it to take a step back and really think deeply about what you need then you know it will be tough.

And it will be tough, but it's also necessary.

I'm feeling calmer now, and keeping busy at home. I have drafted what I think is a calm and rational message, I will review it tonight and possibly send it tonight or tomorrow if I haven't heard from him. You are all right that we both need some space. I am feeling calmer, but he might not be. And if I reach out too soon, it might be counterproductive.

Don't send a message. Just call tomorrow. If he doesn't want to talk he won't answer.

If its unusual for him to swear at you my guess would be thats he's pretty angry. Leave him to cool down for a day. Maybe text with a message simply saying how you doing? or something simple. Long texts never come across the same as a phone call. Then leave it in his court. If it's not only your fault then don't apologise but say you're sorry that you've fallen out. Either way, do what you feel is best for you. Is there a friend you can speak to tomorrow? It doesn't necessarily mean its the end of the relationship so don't panic.

Thank you. I'm trying not to panic.

Goodness you need done time apart to work on yourself, your are expecting him to meet needs that are yours and yours alone.

Don't contact him at all, and focus on doing something just for you.

How long should I leave it before reaching out?

OP gently why not leave the ball in his court while you focus on you, otherwise you'll just be on a high alert sort of countdown to an arbitrary deadline you've decided you'll contact him by.

Again that's a distraction - by thinking 'at 2pm tomorrow I'll message him if I've heard nothing', you'll simply focus on getting to 2pm and what you're going to say rather than having gained any headspace by taking a genuine step back to think about this relationship dynamic.

Just give him space and respect. He can’t meet his own needs never mind yours. Let him breathe and reflect.

I think you are all probably right. I am so sad.