He didn't care that I left

[PeaceFinch]

I'm having a difficult time at the moment, very very stressed by a big life event and feeling very overwhelmed. My OH is also going through a different but also very stressful big life event. We don't live together. We got on absolutely amazingly before these two separate events happened this year, they are out of our control. We have had ups and downs as is normal, but this had been my best ever relationship and we love each other and normally have a great time and are kind and supportive to each other. We are now both not in a position to support each other in the way we both need, as we are both hurting and stressed by our separate situations. I left his place last night in the middle of the night after a disagreement. I was very emotional, he was very tired, we were both stressed. He swore at me in weary frustration so I left. I think I want more from him than he can give me. He didn't care that I left, didn't ask me to stay, didn't check I got home OK, I haven't heard from him today. I am looking to him for comfort at the moment and he's not giving me what I need, I want him to make me feel secure but he isn't doing enough, it's not that he's done anything wrong but he's not doing enough right. I think I am looking too much to him for my happiness. Which is an impossible ask of him. I think he is going to break up with me. He is stubborn. I want him to apologise for swearing and for not making me feel comfortable last night, and I want him to get in touch. I'm sad that he doesn't care enough to contact me. I always feel like I apologise for everything, in life generally I am that kind of person to smooth things over and say sorry to resolve things. Shall I text him or wait? If I text him, I don't know what to say, because then I will end up apologising or risk making it worse. I think he'll say that because I left I was unreasonable and it wasn't necessary and that I was being emotional and impossible, and that he couldn't do anything right, so he's just been getting on with his day as he's got lots on too. Any kind advice welcome, even if it will be hard for me to hear. I'm emotional and sad and need a handheld please.

You both have your own things going on and you don't have the energy to support each other. That's not a partnership that you need right now. You can't be dependant on someone who can't support you.

If you stay together, this won't be the last time life is a bit crap for you both. You need to be able to support each other. I don't think a relationship can last in your current situation.

If you do message him, work out how you both help each other at the same time as helping yourselves.

Sometimes one of you will be having a better or worse time than the other. You can't afford for these issues to be all-encompassing or when they're resolved there'll be nothing left.

You want the impossible from this man. You want him to be responsible for your happiness and your sense of self and security. No one can provide those things for another human being. He is already doomed to fail. Honestly, you sound absolutely exhausting. Have enough respect for this man to leave him alone.

Believe me I am exhausting myself. My brain can't switch off, I'm going through a very challenging and stressful time at the moment. I am not the only one to blame for last night though, neither of us were at our best. I feel very lost. I recognise I need to give him space, and take space for myself. I'm really struggling today, I have been for a few weeks now.

I really appreciate all the replies.

I don't think you're being selfish or silly, OP.

I want him to apologise for swearing and for not making me feel comfortable last night, and I want him to get in touch. I'm sad that he doesn't care enough to contact me. I always feel like I apologise for everything, in life generally I am that kind of person to smooth things over and say sorry to resolve things.

This is kind of a recipe for disaster with someone who can behave like him.

All of my relationships in life were just like the one you describe until I met my now DH. This is not meant to sound smug and gloating, but honestly, whatever trials and tribulations we have to deal with, he always treats me with respect and kindness.

If this is your dynamic together, I mean it's not terrible terrible, so many of us live in relationships like that. For bloody YEARS!!!!!!!! But staying in a relationship like that means not meeting someone who would never dream of treating you that way. You're worth it OP, let him go. His loss.

I thought I had found that with him. I really did. Your message made me cry. Thank you for your kindness.

Are you getting support from anyone else to help with whatever it is that has caused and is obviously still causing you such pain and difficulty. You are focusing on him all the time which is not healthy.

Oh OP I do feel for you, you’ve got yourself into a right state haven’t you?
To be honest I’d probably have messaged by now. Not saying this is what you should do, I’m no relationship expert. But I’d have said something along the lines of ‘look, we’re both going through a tough time right now and neither of us covered ourselves in glory. I think we both need a bit of time to ourselves to be able to deal with our own issues, but I hope we can get through this rough patch’. That may be totally the wrong approach though.
It’s clear that you do need some time, though. Both of you.

Dear partner
It's been good to have some space today. I think we both got tired and overwhelmed. I hope you are okay. I'm going to take some time to connect with friends this week as I know I have been a bit needy lately. I miss you so let's get together next week. Love, op

The worst thing you can do right now is start messaging him.

You acknowledge you both have a lot of stress and that you want him to make it better (impossible).

Stress is exhausting and can become overwhelming.

I genuinely think you need to focus on getting space and rest. Do something physical, don’t drink lots of coffee, tea or alcohol. Watch something lightweight on TV.

I swear that once you have rested you will feel a heck of a lot better.

It isn’t normal or sustainable to project all your worries into another person. You need to build a support network and habits for managing your stress.

If you do these things then your relationship has a chance of surviving.

I understand the PPs' suggestions above, but this is just the smoothing-over that we get into the habit of. And when we do that, we can't actually tell whether DP might have made a similar effort, left to his own devices. It's worth waiting to find out.

I mean honestly OP, maybe you did find true love with him. If so, he will show it. He needn't apologise if you were both out of order, but he will explain what was going on for him, in a way that you completely understand, in a way that doesn't make you feel left out of the equation.

Op can I ask how long have you been together please?

Almost 2 yrs.

You are thinking too much about yourself right now.
Maybe because that’s what you need but it’s not his responsibility to fix everything, especially when he’s got his own problems to deal with.

Just by reading your thread I am not surprised he snapped and swore at you. You sound incredibly needy.

I would text him and say you’ve been doing some thinking and you love him very much but you think it’s best if you both spend a few days apart so you can both deal with your individual problems.

You’re driving yourself mad by not texting him so I would just do it.

I hate the idea of time apart

And yet it probably wasn't great to be sworn at yesterday.

I agree with PP that it would be good for you to look at some materials about Co-dependency. And take some time to be more comfortable with yourself rather than put it all on him to 'fix' you. No one can do that for you.