Friend keeps going on about man she has never met

[gingerjones]

I need some help.

I work with a woman, let's call her Gill, who is from the US but works in my city in the UK. Gill is a long way from her family and doesn't have many friends yet in my city but her and I got along initially and I enjoyed going out wirh her sometimes after work.

Gill is a gamer and is part of a gaming community that chat online to each other etc. I don't know much about gaming but Gill told me a year ago, six months after we'd met, that she had met someone through the gaming community she really liked. They started messaging, then over the course of the year, they speak a lot on the phone, they chat while gaming, most days and even have intimate chats if you know what I mean.

The problem I have is that firstly Gill has never met this man, let's call him Peter. Or spoken to Peter on a video call. Peter says he lives in another country, a couple of hours flight away, so Peter could be anybody and live anywhere. Of course he says he has a great job for a bank but there is no evidence to support this. Gill has asked Peter for a video chat but Peter has refused this.

The main thing that bothers me, however, is that Gill tells me that Peter is regularly cruel to her, silent treatment, disappears for days / weeks at a time, is moody and seems to neg her and make jokes at her expense sometimes which does upset Gill.

Gill never, and I mean never, stops talking about Peter. I know I am only 1 of 2 or 3 people who she speaks to about the situation.

I have so many questions about Peter in the sense of red flags, and I have highlighted these to her, and i just don't want to spend my time talking about this anymore. But I think Gill is so obsessed, and sees me as an outlet as someone to speak to about this, it is virtually impossible to stop her talking about it.

Has anyone else been in this situation? It is giving me a headache. I think the answer is to grey rock and maybe move my desk but I know Gill will feel hurt and be angry with me. How can I back off without causing any upset or is upset inevitable?

Tia!

Be honest with her. Tell her how you feel about the situation and say that it's probs best that she doesn't talk to you about him.

Thank you. Yes I think you are right. I have tried so many times to talk about other things but she honestly is obsessed and is constantly moving the conversation back that way, to say what they talked about etc. It's hard to hear and by discussing it with her I feel I am making it worse in a way, sort of keeping it alive which I really really don't want to do.

Bumping!

Advise her to listen to the Sweet Bobby podcast, and watch a few seasons of Catfish... so many red flags here it's like bunting!

As for how to get her to stop talking about it, if asking her politely hasn't worked then you may have to be more blunt/forthright unfortunately. I appreciate that's not easy to do, but it's that or listen to it on and on - possibly for years.

Thank you Alfixnm I have sent her lots of youtube links to the cluster b type personality disorder videos - when Peter is being mean or disappears - but nothing seems to temper this obsession. She is completely high off it. I do feel i am being manipulated into speaking about it all the time. So I don't know what that says either. But I need to take a step back for sure.

Peter is probably married, a teenager having a laugh, or a scam artist leading up to asking for money.

I’m an avid gamer, but the vast majority of relationships I’ve seen form in games, especially mmo’s, inevitably end up in drama

Regardless of what the relationship is like and what you think about it, it's unfair of her to want to talk about it constantly. You would think that even if he was a normal reliable husband.

I'd approach it from that angle and say you're tired of constantly talking about him and you'd like to pursue other topics of conversation.

My relationship with my oldest friend has practically imploded because of her doing this with a series of men she met online but had make believe relationships with because they never met. She prioritises them over her friends, family and health. She didn't like what I had to say about it.

Besttobe yes it's sort of two pronged in the sense this guy sounds like he could be bad news and also the need to talk about him constantly. You would think Gill would think I might be tired of it? There seems to be a lack of introspection.

Imjustmadaboutsaffron that's how it is in this case - a fantasy- with someone she honestly isn't sure who he is (as hasn't video called).

I am tired of the responsibility of it as well. It feels very heavy and I haven't really got the time or patience for it given that this guy honestly sounds so arrogant.

Crazyfishlqsy I agree, this won't end well. His disappearing acts point to a second or third life elsewhere. He is very competitive with her with the gaming as well, even though he acknowledges Gill is very good, in the community I get the sense he feels he has to be better.

@gingerjones here is my original thread about this.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4486143-AIBU-to-challenge-my-friend-about-this-relationship-and-mine-with-her

She's not been in touch with me for a very long time (a month, but as we saw each other at least three times a week that's a long time). I realised she was using me as a sounding board about all her problems with men.

Saffron once your friend comes to her senses she is going to regret this.... that's ridiculous.. I've read the thread. He doesn't even sound very charming! What is she doing?

So sorry you are going through it too. That's how I feel, that I have become gill's main sounding board, which is pretty much all she wants me for! I will have to back off now I think. I don't want to be involved any more.

I think this problem actually must be quite common as more and more people meet online...

I just can't imagine developing feelings for someone who can't video call me!!! They must have a brilliant imagination!! 😀

One more bump!!

He's just the latest in a long line of them. She met them all online through groups on Facebook. It all ended in tears when she pestered them on the phone and they called her a bunny boiler. One was married, one said he was separated but he slept in the spare room until he and his wife could sell the house, another just blocked her out of the blue and now this one.

As well as these, there have been the handsome silver foxes who are paediatricians, celebrity dentists and former catalogue models.

"I think you're lovely so it makes me really anxious to listen to you speak about someone who treats you badly a lot of the time, so I think it's best we don't speak about Peter anymore."

Bloody hell Saffron, you must have the patience of a saint.

One school of thought would say its a low self esteem issue. What do you think is behind it with your situation if you don't mind me asking?

For my friend I think she thinks they are a power couple in the online gaming community, that they are both knowledgeable and people ask their opinions all the time, etc. She thrives on that I think.

Youvegotten yes I think that is perfect thank you. I am going to say something like this on Monday.

It's certainly unusual, all the best op

My mate is a strange mix of low self esteem and selfishness and entitlement. Her marriage ended because of her being self-centred. Her husband met someone else, but that was the catalyst as he was already planning his exit. He wasn't honest with her about that though, but he told me about it (he is a relative of mine). She's constantly going on about being worthless, unworthy, stupid and so on. Therapy has been a waste of time, as she's got nowhere. I've given up hours, weeks, so much time to support her but she makes no progress.

She wants male attention to make her feel good about herself. But because she doesn't feel good about herself, she gets involved with low-level men. Married, unavailable for whatever reason. Maybe she thinks the challenge will prove she's worthy. But none of them are worth having from what I've seen of them.

She should really focus on herself, her health (physical and mental), getting herself sorted. Focusing on her house, herself, friends. Building her confidence through achievements and who she is, not someone to love her. Because they don't, anyway. She doesn't work, she gets PIP.

I am the only real life friend she has. All the others (not just men) are FB. They never meet or talk, just on FB. It's a strange quasi-existence. But she never contacts me and I am sick of being the one to always call, message, visit with no reciprocity. It is strange.

Saffron that's so interesting, thank you. What are you going to do long term, walk away? Or have you already. Such a shame because it sounds as though you have invested a lot in the friendship with her (and have been a great friend).

The cluster b personalty thing (thinking in particular about narcissism)... I sort of think the fact that Gill dominates our conversation by talking about herself... maybe there are also some of these traits wirh her, if that makes sense.

It sounds as though you have a really good understanding of the situation.

As for my friend I've walked away already but not actually told her. It's always me who gets in touch so I haven't. I've heard nothing from her. I'm leaving it until she contacts me, if she does and asks if I'm ok because she's worried she's not heard from me. Then I'll tell her why - fed up of being taken for granted and sick of her silly relationships dominating and ruining her life.

She's not confident to talk to people in real life, to go out and chat but on social media she talks all kinds of smut with people she's never met.