Friend keeps going on about man she has never met

[gingerjones]

I need some help.

I work with a woman, let's call her Gill, who is from the US but works in my city in the UK. Gill is a long way from her family and doesn't have many friends yet in my city but her and I got along initially and I enjoyed going out wirh her sometimes after work.

Gill is a gamer and is part of a gaming community that chat online to each other etc. I don't know much about gaming but Gill told me a year ago, six months after we'd met, that she had met someone through the gaming community she really liked. They started messaging, then over the course of the year, they speak a lot on the phone, they chat while gaming, most days and even have intimate chats if you know what I mean.

The problem I have is that firstly Gill has never met this man, let's call him Peter. Or spoken to Peter on a video call. Peter says he lives in another country, a couple of hours flight away, so Peter could be anybody and live anywhere. Of course he says he has a great job for a bank but there is no evidence to support this. Gill has asked Peter for a video chat but Peter has refused this.

The main thing that bothers me, however, is that Gill tells me that Peter is regularly cruel to her, silent treatment, disappears for days / weeks at a time, is moody and seems to neg her and make jokes at her expense sometimes which does upset Gill.

Gill never, and I mean never, stops talking about Peter. I know I am only 1 of 2 or 3 people who she speaks to about the situation.

I have so many questions about Peter in the sense of red flags, and I have highlighted these to her, and i just don't want to spend my time talking about this anymore. But I think Gill is so obsessed, and sees me as an outlet as someone to speak to about this, it is virtually impossible to stop her talking about it.

Has anyone else been in this situation? It is giving me a headache. I think the answer is to grey rock and maybe move my desk but I know Gill will feel hurt and be angry with me. How can I back off without causing any upset or is upset inevitable?

Tia!

Yes that's it.. sort of living a parallel fantasy life. Its very draining for those of us who have to listen to it. As soon as I heard he had refused video calls with my friend after several requests I knew this was a non starter. I'm not looking forward to having to have the conversation at work tomorrow but it really has to be done....

Monday was really busy at work so yesterday, when Gill started talking about Peter to me, I just said, ' Gill I have told you how I feel about Peter. He has upset you so many times. I don't want to talk about him again', well Gill went very quiet, and appears to have withdrawn completely. I don't think she was expecting me to say anything. It will be interesting to see how she is with me and the rest of the office.

Lesson learnt - I will never let something build up again like that! It would have been so much easier if I had nipped it in the bud earlier. Still you live and learn!

Rest of the office today and for the rest of the week, that was supposed to say.

I game online and am an admin for a clan, we have even had a clan meet up but that was nothing to do with romance

I do actually know a few couples who have met online through gaming and it’s worked out though it’s a very small number. I also know people who have been in online relationships for years and haven’t ever met. Are they being catfished? very possibly and I have heard of a couple via another friend who did meet last year and it was a disaster as fantasy was not reality.

The gaming community is full of little cliques and very odd rivalries. If you are knowledgable about a complex game or are good at certain aspects then people do admire you. If you are woman player in a gaming community you do get a lot of attention, not always wanted either.

He is horrible obviously but she is allowing herself to be treated like this. You did point it out, you needed to do this. But until she realises it the cycle will continue.

Some people can’t be saved from themselves as sad as that is.

Thank you Charsui you have summarised the situation perfectly. I can no longer be the friend who is excited for her friend about someone because he sounds like a wrongun and sounding neutral about it doesn't seem to work either so the only option left is just to not hear about it... Gill is very quiet and obviously not happy with me but there we are.

I think lots of people are having virtual relationships now, you are right. I do get it bt surely you have to meet eventually, after a month or two?!