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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mental abuse?

62 replies

mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 10:41

Struggling right now with my relationship, everything seems to be my fault, I want to leave this relationship but I just need to find the courage so I find writing on here helps. Here's just a few things that have happened this week

-text me when he was out to say he was going to shop once football was finished and asked if I wanted anything, I said if your going then yeah get me a packet of crisps, he comes home with my card saying 'your fucking card declined twice, you've totally embarrassed me you prick, I was doing you a favour and you embarrass me like that, go to the fucking shop yourself' - there was money on my card so I said i don't know why it's declined and he was well it's your fault cause it's your fucking card isn't it

-asked me yesterday to call sky because the Wi-Fi was disconnecting and reconnecting, so I called and they performed a reset of the router and something to do with the lines, they've said if it happens again to do a manual reset and it should work. Today he's playing fifa downstairs going mental because the Wi-Fi playing up and he's lost a game from signal and is shouting to me saying 'you need to actually do something about this, do what I say for once and fucking call them, clearly you did fuck all yesterday when I asked, it's embarrassing'

-he came home from work and I asked if he could please watch the baby so I could finish cleaning the bathroom as it had taken me nearly all day to get anything done as baby was being clingy and he said 'I'm just home from work, let me chill instead, why do you always have to do cleaning just fucking leave it, I want to play fifa' - I get really stressed and upset and overwhelmed when there's too much house work to do and he knows that but never helps and makes it seem like I'm completely unreasonable for wanting to keep a clean home and keeping on-top of jobs

There's far much more than this, but this is just this week, I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells on what's gonna piss him off or if he's coming home in a bad mood, nothing I ever do seems to be good enough

OP posts:
everylittlehelp5 · 07/05/2022 10:44

You know you need to leave don't you? How old is this man child?

Original poster
mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 10:45

everylittlehelp5 · 07/05/2022 10:44

You know you need to leave don't you? How old is this man child?

I do, I just need to find the courage to do so. He's 26 this year

OP posts:
MardyOldGoth · 07/05/2022 10:47

Wow, he sounds delightful! Don't put up with this abuse, OP. It sounds like all he does is play FIFA anyway, useless prick!

everylittlehelp5 · 07/05/2022 10:48

No one deserves to be spoken to the way he speaks to you. You can find the courage to leave him. Do you have any family you can stay with?

MardyOldGoth · 07/05/2022 10:48

Contact women's aid for some advice and support to help you free yourself from him!

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Pinkbonbon · 07/05/2022 10:50

No way would I stay around someone using the f word at me like that. Especially infront of my child. Don't want your kid to grow up thinking shouting at you like that is normal because their dad does it and you stay anyway.

Get out of this ASAP. You can do it op! Life is too short!

HarrietSchulenberg · 07/05/2022 10:51

Leave him. And make sure he knows his own behaviour is embarrassing seeing as he seems so keen to use that term to belittle you.

Pinkbonbon · 07/05/2022 10:54

Also, wtf would you give this nutter YOUR bank card!? Get you card back ASAP n change the pin.

Bananalanacake · 07/05/2022 11:02

Why can't he pay with his own card or cash.
Who pays the rent mortgage, you have DC together, hope you are able to leave.

D0lphine · 07/05/2022 11:03

I'd say this was abusive and also that it could be financial abuse.

Get your card back asap, or if you can't get it back, go to your online banking (or in person to your bank), take all your money out your account and move it into another account. Then close the account of the card he has.

You can move current accounts very easily. If you can't get to the bank you can set up a Monzo or starling account online without being there in person.

You can move all your direct debits to a new current account using the switching service. This will be an option when you open a new account.

Do not let him have access to your new card. Hide in a safe place. Good option is to slip it into a sanitary towel and then place the sanitary towel into the packet in your bathroom cupboard.

If he does find the card, you can block a Monzo and starling card online with one click.

Consider opening another account as an emergency fund where your savings will sit. Don't let him know about this account and don't get a card- just have access online.

Also You need to leave this man. What an absolute waste of skin.

Original poster
mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 11:11

MardyOldGoth · 07/05/2022 10:47

Wow, he sounds delightful! Don't put up with this abuse, OP. It sounds like all he does is play FIFA anyway, useless prick!

Honestly all he does is play fifa, I have to ask him for time to do things like shower which he will try just get me to do once our girl is in bed asleep, like why can't I take a 10 min shower when I want

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 11:12

everylittlehelp5 · 07/05/2022 10:48

No one deserves to be spoken to the way he speaks to you. You can find the courage to leave him. Do you have any family you can stay with?

Luckily this house is mine and when I find the courage to leave I'll be asking him to leave the home!

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 11:12

MardyOldGoth · 07/05/2022 10:48

Contact women's aid for some advice and support to help you free yourself from him!

www.womensaid.org.uk/

I'll have a look, thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 11:13

Pinkbonbon · 07/05/2022 10:50

No way would I stay around someone using the f word at me like that. Especially infront of my child. Don't want your kid to grow up thinking shouting at you like that is normal because their dad does it and you stay anyway.

Get out of this ASAP. You can do it op! Life is too short!

Thank you, I'm hoping I can build up the courage soon and leave, I've spoken to my sister and I find once I've spoken to family there's no going back so hopefully that's the first step done

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 11:13

HarrietSchulenberg · 07/05/2022 10:51

Leave him. And make sure he knows his own behaviour is embarrassing seeing as he seems so keen to use that term to belittle you.

He belittles me all the time, everything I do is embarrassing apparently

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 11:14

Pinkbonbon · 07/05/2022 10:54

Also, wtf would you give this nutter YOUR bank card!? Get you card back ASAP n change the pin.

I'd left it in the car by accident, but usually if he has my card I transfer all my money to savings or temporarily block my card so he can't use it

OP posts:
BemoreDerek · 07/05/2022 11:29

mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 11:14

I'd left it in the car by accident, but usually if he has my card I transfer all my money to savings or temporarily block my card so he can't use it

Show quote history

Jesus OP if you're having to do this you really need to get rid! What can we do to give you the strength to get rid of this loser?

Discovereads · 07/05/2022 11:36

It’s more than emotional abuse. There’s also verbal abuse and financial abuse. I’d be asking him to leave directly. Abuse only escalates. I wouldn’t be trusting him with a baby that’s for sure. Agree contact womens aid.

So sorry you’re in this situation.

MardyOldGoth · 07/05/2022 12:11

mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 11:11

Honestly all he does is play fifa, I have to ask him for time to do things like shower which he will try just get me to do once our girl is in bed asleep, like why can't I take a 10 min shower when I want

Show quote history

You're a single parent already then! All you'd be losing would be his nasty abuse and his lazy arse sitting on your sofa!

Bananalanacake · 07/05/2022 12:16

You say the house is yours, is he on the mortgage agreement or rental agreement, does he have any legal claim to your house at all. Does he pay towards rent and bills.

BetterDaysareComming · 07/05/2022 12:22

My sister is in a relationship very similar to this. We have all pleaded with her to leave but she just won't listen.

She calls my mum several times in a week crying because he's blamed her for something and been verbally abusive. The most recent one was because she hadn't washed his top that he wanted to wear to an event which was today. He called her a fucking useless twat. And that he deserves someone better! The top had been in his drawer so she wasn't even to know it needed washing.

My sister has changed from a confident happy person to a nervous wreck.

Wishing you all the best op.

2catsandhappy · 07/05/2022 13:42

It sounds to me as if he doesn't want the baby to have changed anything for him. You sound like a single parent. Clearly your life has changed. You have little time for your self(shower), you cannot spontaneously do ordinary things(shop). He does sound very immature. His speaking down to you is a deliberate putting you in your place. He sees you as sole carer for baby, and some sort of enabler for his laddish ways(expecting to chill like a single when he is 100% a parent too).
I wonder if you have had five minutes to really think about bringing up baby as main carer?

It sounds really tough for you right now, keep talking to us. We are listening hard and want to help.

Original poster
mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 16:24

Bananalanacake · 07/05/2022 12:16

You say the house is yours, is he on the mortgage agreement or rental agreement, does he have any legal claim to your house at all. Does he pay towards rent and bills.

Yeah house is in my name, I pay the rent, I pay the gas, electric, food shop, council tax, sky etc etc

OP posts:
D0lphine · 07/05/2022 16:31

So what does he pay for?

Original poster
mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 16:32

D0lphine · 07/05/2022 16:31

So what does he pay for?

The car and the insurance, but car is in his name

OP posts:
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