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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mental abuse?

62 replies

mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 10:41

Struggling right now with my relationship, everything seems to be my fault, I want to leave this relationship but I just need to find the courage so I find writing on here helps. Here's just a few things that have happened this week

-text me when he was out to say he was going to shop once football was finished and asked if I wanted anything, I said if your going then yeah get me a packet of crisps, he comes home with my card saying 'your fucking card declined twice, you've totally embarrassed me you prick, I was doing you a favour and you embarrass me like that, go to the fucking shop yourself' - there was money on my card so I said i don't know why it's declined and he was well it's your fault cause it's your fucking card isn't it

-asked me yesterday to call sky because the Wi-Fi was disconnecting and reconnecting, so I called and they performed a reset of the router and something to do with the lines, they've said if it happens again to do a manual reset and it should work. Today he's playing fifa downstairs going mental because the Wi-Fi playing up and he's lost a game from signal and is shouting to me saying 'you need to actually do something about this, do what I say for once and fucking call them, clearly you did fuck all yesterday when I asked, it's embarrassing'

-he came home from work and I asked if he could please watch the baby so I could finish cleaning the bathroom as it had taken me nearly all day to get anything done as baby was being clingy and he said 'I'm just home from work, let me chill instead, why do you always have to do cleaning just fucking leave it, I want to play fifa' - I get really stressed and upset and overwhelmed when there's too much house work to do and he knows that but never helps and makes it seem like I'm completely unreasonable for wanting to keep a clean home and keeping on-top of jobs

There's far much more than this, but this is just this week, I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells on what's gonna piss him off or if he's coming home in a bad mood, nothing I ever do seems to be good enough

OP posts:
Mintchocicechip · 07/05/2022 16:38

He's a bully. Emotionally abusive. I'm 4 weeks out of my relationship that was abusive. It was different to yours. I was banned from questioning him and he didnt like to be caught out. He used aggression to control me. Not violence. But he got me down to a level where I'd lie next to him in bed and feel so alone. I didn't feel I could be opeñ and I did not trust him. He would throw me out and call me names.

How often is he like this?
What does he do for you that you would say is nice?
Your child will grow up watching this. He won't magically change wgen the baby is 2. He's an arse and this is who he is.
You need to be ready to end it before there's any point us saying leave. But please be careful don't let it drag on years. I'm finding the split hard but I'm doing so much more now for me. I hadn't thought of myself in months. My friends have been god sends.

pog100 · 07/05/2022 16:39

What the hell are you doing with him then! I thought you must be at least financially dependent or something. You don't need telling, you already know but you need to kick him out as soon as possible. I bet even the sex is shit and his cock is the only thing I can imagine you might want him for!

D0lphine · 07/05/2022 16:47

So he doesn't pay for anything really then does he?

Why doesn't he pay his share?

alwaysmovingforwards · 07/05/2022 16:48

Well you've got yourself a cocklodger, just in case you hadn't already noticed.

And not even a nice one either by the sounds of it.

Get rid asap.

Unanananana · 07/05/2022 17:02

Change the locks while he is out and put his shit outside. He can go find somewhere else to lodge his cock.

Why do so many women put up with such disgusting 'partners'? You'd be better off alone, with even less mess to clear up. What does he actually offer you?

Twiglets1 · 07/05/2022 17:07

He is the embarrassing one not you. You’re not doing anything wrong but he’s behaving like a shit and you will no doubt feel embarrassed to admit to your family the full amount extent of his fuckwitery

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 07/05/2022 17:22

Are you frightened to ask him to leave? There is help for these situations, womens aid can help with advice, do talk to them, but so will the police. You can let the police know you are ending an abusive relationship and you are scared what will happen. Then if he kicks off you can call them and they know its serious and to come quickly.

NeededAction · 07/05/2022 17:28

I’m with the ‘change the locks and pop his stuff outside’
I hope you can find the strength to do the right thing. It’s horrifically scary but your life WILL get so much better!!

pictish · 07/05/2022 17:32

Sounds a right cunt.

Redcupbluecuppa · 07/05/2022 17:53

Is he the father of your child?

What steps are you planning to leave him OP? You need him away from you and your little girl ASAP.

chisanunian · 07/05/2022 18:01

Please don't let this person anywhere near your bank account.

He is abusing you right left and centre. Please ask family or friends to come round for support and while you have someone with you, tell this despicable man to leave. If he refuses, call the police.

dane8 · 07/05/2022 18:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AgentJohnson · 08/05/2022 07:52

Talk to your family today, it is that easy. Send your sister a text, show her this thread but do it today. There isn’t a better version of him lurking around the corner, this is who he is. Embarrassment, not wanting to be alone, loss of the make believe? Whatever it is, you can not change what you don’t acknowledge.

Don’t let this hideous excuse for a human be your daughter’s prime male role model, this isn’t just about you now, this could be about her future relationships.

Ispini · 08/05/2022 08:10

I don’t understand this, I seriously don’t get it. WTF are you doing with this arsehole???
Sorry but my mind is totally boggled. If my husband behaved like this I would have his bags packed at the front door and locks changed. Please respect yourself and kick him out he’s a useless piece of shit!

Bednobsbroomsticks · 08/05/2022 08:20

Agree with other posters. Get your family to support you. Tell him to get out and change the locks. Nasty abusive piece of crap

CoffeeLover90 · 08/05/2022 08:55

Call women's aid, they'll confirm he is abusive and will support you on how to end things safely when you are ready. In the meantime do not pay any attention to his attempts to put you down.
Your card was declined, with money in, probably because now and again you need to use the pin. The cashier would have told him this. Not your fault. He should be embarrassed not having his own card or cash.
You took time out of your day to call sky. That's really kind of you. He should know that sky are not actually wizards and can't fix any issues with magic. If he's so distressed by it he could pause his game and call them himself. Not your fault.
You wanted a break,not for yourself, but to get the bathroom nice for your family. That's so thoughtful of you and shows your a hard worker. The baby was a little clingy and needed you. Not your fault.
I know it's hard. I escaped an abuser just a few weeks ago and it's still very raw. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, even though people who haven't been through it think it's the easiest. You and DC deserve better, you'll do better on your own without his presence putting a cloud over everything. He knows this so he tries to belittle you and rip away your self esteem. With every insult he throws at you think to yourself, I'm not an embarrassment, I'm a fantastic mother, a kind person etc etc.
I hope you're ready to end things soon but do not do it alone. Call women's aid for help first.

Sunnygirl1 · 08/05/2022 10:05

I've trained my husband

  1. not to swear

  2. talk to me respectfully at ALL times

  3. NOT to blame me for things that are out of my control

It took me 12 years:). He has improved in the last 4 years or maybe I have changed how I deal with it concentrating on his positive sides and his strengths.

The first 3-5-7 years is when relations break up the most. If a couple learns how to communicate respectfully and well (without unnecessary blame), there is a good chance of a happy marriage/relationship forever.

Basketet · 08/05/2022 10:25

Sunnygirl1 · 08/05/2022 10:05

I've trained my husband

  1. not to swear

  2. talk to me respectfully at ALL times

  3. NOT to blame me for things that are out of my control

It took me 12 years:). He has improved in the last 4 years or maybe I have changed how I deal with it concentrating on his positive sides and his strengths.

The first 3-5-7 years is when relations break up the most. If a couple learns how to communicate respectfully and well (without unnecessary blame), there is a good chance of a happy marriage/relationship forever.

So you are basically advising the OP to stay in abusive relationship, where violence and psychological abuse will most likely escalate?

You shouldn't have to train anyone to behave like a decent human being, so that you can feel safe with and respected by them.

Absolutely appalling advice!

Basketet · 08/05/2022 10:25

Above was in reply to PP before mine

Basketet · 08/05/2022 10:27

I hope you are okay, OP. Please call womens aid for professional advice and support, also your DC's school. It took me a few times to properly leave.

D0lphine · 08/05/2022 10:30

Sunnygirl1 · 08/05/2022 10:05

I've trained my husband

  1. not to swear

  2. talk to me respectfully at ALL times

  3. NOT to blame me for things that are out of my control

It took me 12 years:). He has improved in the last 4 years or maybe I have changed how I deal with it concentrating on his positive sides and his strengths.

The first 3-5-7 years is when relations break up the most. If a couple learns how to communicate respectfully and well (without unnecessary blame), there is a good chance of a happy marriage/relationship forever.

You shouldn't have to teach an adult basic life skills. What a waste of your precious time and energy.

Think about what you could have achieved if you'd have out that time and energy into your career, your kids, health, fitness or hobbies.

But instead you taught an adult to be baseline decent. Congrats.

CoffeeLover90 · 08/05/2022 11:26

Sunnygirl1 · 08/05/2022 10:05

I've trained my husband

  1. not to swear

  2. talk to me respectfully at ALL times

  3. NOT to blame me for things that are out of my control

It took me 12 years:). He has improved in the last 4 years or maybe I have changed how I deal with it concentrating on his positive sides and his strengths.

The first 3-5-7 years is when relations break up the most. If a couple learns how to communicate respectfully and well (without unnecessary blame), there is a good chance of a happy marriage/relationship forever.

It's good that you're now happy however, the person that the OP has described is not someone who can be 'trained'
It's very rare that an abuser can change.
They're also very dangerous. Ending the relationship increases the danger which is why I don't think it wise to lock him out and put his stuff outside. Yes she can phone the police if she's in danger but realistically will they get there before he is able to force his way in? There's a young baby in the house.
Call women's aid please. Or any local DV charity. They won't pressure you to leave. They'll confirm what's right and wrong and support you in your next steps. When you're ready to end things They'll help keep you and DC safe. But please try to find that courage inside yourself before this gets worse. Wishing you all the best ❤

Atl · 08/05/2022 11:26

alwaysmovingforwards · 07/05/2022 16:48

Well you've got yourself a cocklodger, just in case you hadn't already noticed.

And not even a nice one either by the sounds of it.

Get rid asap.

It certainly sounds like it.

Offandonagain · 08/05/2022 18:38

Just fucking kick him out! Dump his stuff outside. Have family with you when he comes home so he doesn’t become Violent. Tell him three and then that it’s over.

He didn’t deserve any more

Original poster
mumof2g1rls · 09/05/2022 18:34

mumof2g1rls · 07/05/2022 10:41

Struggling right now with my relationship, everything seems to be my fault, I want to leave this relationship but I just need to find the courage so I find writing on here helps. Here's just a few things that have happened this week

-text me when he was out to say he was going to shop once football was finished and asked if I wanted anything, I said if your going then yeah get me a packet of crisps, he comes home with my card saying 'your fucking card declined twice, you've totally embarrassed me you prick, I was doing you a favour and you embarrass me like that, go to the fucking shop yourself' - there was money on my card so I said i don't know why it's declined and he was well it's your fault cause it's your fucking card isn't it

-asked me yesterday to call sky because the Wi-Fi was disconnecting and reconnecting, so I called and they performed a reset of the router and something to do with the lines, they've said if it happens again to do a manual reset and it should work. Today he's playing fifa downstairs going mental because the Wi-Fi playing up and he's lost a game from signal and is shouting to me saying 'you need to actually do something about this, do what I say for once and fucking call them, clearly you did fuck all yesterday when I asked, it's embarrassing'

-he came home from work and I asked if he could please watch the baby so I could finish cleaning the bathroom as it had taken me nearly all day to get anything done as baby was being clingy and he said 'I'm just home from work, let me chill instead, why do you always have to do cleaning just fucking leave it, I want to play fifa' - I get really stressed and upset and overwhelmed when there's too much house work to do and he knows that but never helps and makes it seem like I'm completely unreasonable for wanting to keep a clean home and keeping on-top of jobs

There's far much more than this, but this is just this week, I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells on what's gonna piss him off or if he's coming home in a bad mood, nothing I ever do seems to be good enough

Sorry I'm replying to this as I don't know how to comment properly without quoting a comment and now it's not letting me reply to people😅

Thank you all for your advice, I am taking the steps to leave, I've spoken to my sister about everything that's going on. I feel better after speaking to her, I've also been looking at woman's aid as I am worried about how difficult he may try to make my life if I leave.

He's been off work today and has played fifa all day, I'm essentially just a single mum anyway. Here's hoping I can do it soon

OP posts: