Pregnant but feel like DP isn’t right for me anymore

[TakeMyCoat]

Been with DP for 5 years and we live together in a city that we originally both loved . We’d been talking about a family and had said we’d be open to it happening, ie stopping contraception. We only had sex once around the fertile time and now I’m pregnant. It’s totally changed how I see the relationship although if I am being honest with myself I was having doubts a year or so ago too. Things like I wanted to have a quiet home life and he loves the city. I suggested moving a few times and he just didn’t want to, he loves the convenience of city life and not having to drive much etc.I just started to notice that he values things that don’t matter to me much and I’m very much a home bird and family and friends sort of person. He’s more of a loner so I don’t have anything from his side to build into my life.

it sounds like a small thing but since I’ve been pregnant I’ve just become more and more aware that I don’t want the relationship. I want village life, I want fields around me, more than I want DP it seems!!. Or maybe I’m just frustrated and sad he won’t compromise for me.

i never wanted a baby in a city and we discussed moving further out if that happened and he is compromising on that and says we can look at places but they’re still within 4 miles of the centre and basically a suburb which he knows isn’t what I mean. he drags his feet too…we are currently in a tiny flat and there’s no way we can be here with a baby, it’s just far too small. But getting him to go to house viewings etc is draining.

ive got to the point where I’ve suggested I move to where I want to be. I’m very lucky in that I have the funds to almost buy a house outright in the place I am thinking of. I’ve said we could be there and I would put him on the deeds etc. I’ve invited him into it all completely but he won’t budge on anything. He keeps saying we can have a great life with kids in a city and that I will meet other mums and can enjoy the busy part of city life. It’s become such a huge thing that I can’t look at him!

I am worried about doing it without him and part of me does love him, we’ve been together 5 years this weekend. But i don’t see a future here and I can’t get my head around how he’s kicking back in our flat as if we don’t have a responsibility to find a proper home. I don’t know what to do. My mum said move and if he loves me and wants to be committed he will follow. No idea if that’s good advice.

Honestly? I'd buy the place for myself and the baby where I wanted and live the life I wanted.

Let him live the life he wants.

There's nothing wrong with what he wants but your ideas are so incompatible that there is no compromise. If you stay together, one of you will get their own way and the other will be miserable.

Move. Move BEFORE the baby comes. Buy the house where you want to live and accept that you might have to do it alone. If he doesn't want to come with you he doesn't have to but if that's what you want then do it.

You need to think through the practicalities of a baby in the country though. We were always in suburbia and it was really lovely being able to walk to baby groups and other people’s houses, and then other groups and friends as they got older.
I grew up in the country and it was pretty miserable and isolated as a child.

I’m not trying to put you off, just to say you need to think it through.

Listen to your Mum, she's right. It's good she supports your decision to go it alone. Really, if he did respect you, I think he would follow. If he doesn't, well, he just doesn't want to have family life after all does he? Have you noticed the "you'll make friends with other mums" comment also infers that basically, he expects that his life will not change after a DC because you will be doing all the rearing and grunt work while he does his own thing. I doubt he intends to be much involved with parenting given his attitude, it's just something he expects you to do in the background independent of him. You might as well do it all in surroundings where you want to be. Do it your way, if he doesn't come, you have your answer.

Don't ever put him on the deeds!

If you’re going to move op, then I suggest you do it now. Don’t underestimate how much someone can change when you break up and try and move a child away from them. He can legally stop you moving too far away once the baby’s here. You also need to consider how contact is going to work when you move away. You’re potentially not going to see your child for up to 50% of the time if you move away.

Don't put him on the deeds for christs sake - you split and you'll have to buy him out of a house you paid for!

I'd make it very clear that I was serious and this could be a deal breaker for your relationship. Surely moving into the suburbs or not far from a city would be a compromise for both of you?

Are you the one with the doctor partner?

Op, the idea of a baby in the country is not all rosy. You may be able to find a nice village with a mum&baby group but more likely you will need to go to the closest town. The same for babysitter, doctor, dentist, and definitely if you want a choice of school.
Get to senior school age and you will have to drive your dc everywhere because no buses and friends will be in other villages.

I completely understand not wanting to live in a city. I'm a single mum in a village. Just don't underestimate what is involved.

Your dp is a city boy, or he isn't ready to give up that life to be a dad yet.

Your choices appear to be stay in the city or go it alone. Sorry.

DO
NOT
PUT
HIM
ON
THE
DEEDS

Do not do that.
You will regret it.

Or maybe I’m just frustrated and sad he won’t compromise for me.

It doesnt seem that you are prepared to compromise for him though. You could move somewhere quieter that isnt in the country as something that is acceptable to you both,

I currently live in the kind of rural idyll you sound as if you want. Small detached house, garden, barely a neighbour in sight, green fields and hills and hedges. We have a couple who moved into the house nearest ours in 2019, looking for the good life. They had a baby during lockdown. The wife has been deeply depressed and the house is now up for sale and they are moving back to the suburbs of the nearby city. There are no pavements here so she can't safely take the baby for a walk in a buggy. There are no parks, just (frequently muddy) footpaths. The doctor's surgery is a 20-minute drive. Even going to the (pretty crap) local store involves getting in the car. The other mothers she meets at mother and baby events aren't anywhere near. She has come to rely rather too heavily on my partner and I for company and support. She was round here earlier, ostensibly to borrow some gardening equipment but actually because she wanted company. I have seen her walking along the lanes with the baby in a sling, weeping.

I'm really not sure that a properly rural property, particularly if you're away from family and friends, is a great idea for a new and possibly solo mother.

I was going to say similar to @Pluvia and other posters. A friend of mine moved out to the middle of nowhere with his girlfriend and my first thought when I saw the place was 'I really hope she doesn't get pregnant as this would be a very difficult place to be a new mum'. She was already pregnant at the time, I just didn't know it. 😕The city may not be right for you either, but I wouldn't rule out the suburbs as a good compromise between your idea of a rural idyll and the realities of being quite isolated as a new mum. I think you need to separate the question of where you live from whether you continue in the relationship.

Is there an option to rent in the countryside so you can try it out? Moving with a small baby is extremely stressful but better than feeling stuck and out of options.

I live very rurally. As others say, it is not the friendly utopia you imagine.

i bloody love it, but there is no walking to the shops, the park or baby groups. Everything starts and ends with a car journey. If you can’t drive (or are temporarily unable to eg c section) you are really reliance on others.

I can't speak for village based parents but as someone who has raised two kids I'm a very built up urban area, I'm here to say it is actually really good. And now the dc are getting older and walking to school alone etc, its actually way safer and easier than me having to drive them everywhere, no real footpaths to school, vast swathes of woodland or fields for teens to hang around in because they don't have much else in walking distance.

I'll get to the countryside eventually, bit it's been incredibly convenient for child rearing.

As a PP said, you’re not prepared to compromise for him either. He suggested quieter suburbs instead of a village which sounds like a compromise to me.

your mum is right - buy the house and go it alone, and don’t put him on the deeds. You’re in a very fortunate position to be able to afford a house outright and it would mean a secure future for you as a single mum (which it unfortunately sounds like the most likely outcome).

however, it seems you knew his desires and outlook on life before you got pregnant. He has never made a secret of the fact that he enjoys and wants city life. It was foolish to expect him to suddenly change his mind. I’m like him - I love city life, I thrive off the convenience and buzz and wouldn’t leave for anyone or anything. He has a responsibility to his child but he can do that as a co-parent if you separate.

Completely agree with OP.

I lived in the city before kids. But wanted to raise them in a village . Luckily my DH was up for it.

All this nonsense about having to do EVERYTHING in a car.. had three kids in a sussex village . House with views of sheep fields etc but a primary school ten minutes from the house, brownies, guides, Co-op.. bakers, etc.

Plenty of friends in the village made through kids friends. Great social life.
Fantastic quality of life.

Teenagers can get to London and. Brighton in bus or train in under an hour. Bus to secondary school.

Living outside the city doesn't mean being a bloody hermit living off the land in total isolation !!

Had I had to choose back then I would without doubt of left him in the city - there is no way I would have raised kids in a city. Just no way.

It sounds to me as if your pregnancy has been something of a wake-up call, focussing your attention on your future now that your future has taken the definite direction of motherhood. Things that have been vague irritants are now in sharp relief and you're deciding whether you want to put up with them any longer and deciding that on balance no, you don't.

Your partner, on the other hand, is unchanged. He wants city life, he feels no urgency in moving out of your "tiny flat" that's "just far too small". Doesn't even seem to feel the need to move to a bigger flat in the city, which to me seems oddly head-in-the-sand - babies are a lot easier when you have room to manoeuvre and aren't falling over baby paraphernalia all the time. Being cramped just ups the stress levels.

In your shoes, given that you have the financial wherewithal to move, I'd just do it. And soon, before your baby is here, so that you've got it as you want it. And don't even think about putting him on the deeds - it will be yours, protect that.

It may be that your relationship has run it's course. You won't know until you and he have had The Talk. A real 'cards on the table' talk where you both establish what you want from life and you both communicate those wants, needs, hopes, plans. Talk.

You say you want village life - have you lived a village life before? If you haven't, you might find it a bit of a shock. You're as likely to feel isolated than you are to feel - well, what do you expect to feel? Plus, there are villages and there are villages. Some round here have nothing but houses, all businesses/shops having been unable to flourish with such a small customer base. Others (the tourist-y ones) I think would be quite nice to live in. Yet others are more like small bustling towns. Choose wisely. And - best of luck in the future @TakeMyCoat .

Thanks for the replies.

I was brought up in the countryside so I guess it’s what I know. I don’t particularly like the city we are in (Birmingham) but we have been looking briefly as places like harborne and it’s ok. He works in finance so he’s saying he can work from home one day a week which would effectively give me flexibility with my work so we could flex the days and not have full time childcare.

I just feel like once we are here we are tied here. The schools aren’t that good so I would want to go private and that would cost.

a friend said to buy the house in the village I have my eye on and then at least try it all out with him and see what happens. I guess that’s an option as I could always leave them if I needed to.

the posters saying city life is better I guess there’s a point to that, I know I would get to know more people and in many ways there is more going on. The village I want to buy in has one baby group every Wednesday for example and I would have to drive to get to others in another town 20 mins away. I would however be closer to my ‘remit’ of friends who would all be within an hour or less whereas here they are more like 1 hour 30.

Honestly it sounds like he's been an open book and your idea of compromise is him just doing what you want.

You don't sound like you're that fond of him or sure of what life with a child would be like in the country. What is your plan if you leave and he want to coparent, or are you secretly hoping that if you move he dwont want anything to do with his child and leave you to do it all alone?

As other posters have said, you're upset that he won't compromise, but you're not compromising either.

The OP isn't the one doing any compromising here. Feel free to break up your family for an ideal, but don't expect it to go smoothly or for your partner to play ball with any future arrangements to make your life easy. You're being incredibly selfish and unfair IMO - you knew the deal when you tried for a baby, you knew what he wants and what you wants. As has been mentioned, compromise doesn't mean 'him doing whatever you want or you'll break up with him'.

An absolutely ridiculous comment. So he has to follow her and do whatever she wants, otherwise he doesn't respect her? How about if it were the other way around? And how is him not wanting to move to the countryside a sign he won't be involved in parenting? Your post is pure sexism and I would guess you are projecting a past experience

This. It’s her way or the highway!

Okay — but does your 'remit' of friends include people in a similar situation? People with small children? Because I can tell you that if they're not at that stage of life and don't have children of their own, they're unlikely to want to hang out with you and your baby regularly. There are often threads on AIBU from new mums wondering why their friends don't seem interested any more and from friends saying 'My pal expects to bring her baby with her every time we go out and I can't stand it'.

Unless you can find a busy village with lots going on, a school, a park, a library, lots of young families and a decent bus service I wouldn't move further than the burbs. A good city suburb should have all those facilities. I mention the bus service because once your child is old enough it will mean that you're not always driving them everywhere.