Pregnant but feel like DP isn’t right for me anymore

[TakeMyCoat]

Been with DP for 5 years and we live together in a city that we originally both loved . We’d been talking about a family and had said we’d be open to it happening, ie stopping contraception. We only had sex once around the fertile time and now I’m pregnant. It’s totally changed how I see the relationship although if I am being honest with myself I was having doubts a year or so ago too. Things like I wanted to have a quiet home life and he loves the city. I suggested moving a few times and he just didn’t want to, he loves the convenience of city life and not having to drive much etc.I just started to notice that he values things that don’t matter to me much and I’m very much a home bird and family and friends sort of person. He’s more of a loner so I don’t have anything from his side to build into my life.

it sounds like a small thing but since I’ve been pregnant I’ve just become more and more aware that I don’t want the relationship. I want village life, I want fields around me, more than I want DP it seems!!. Or maybe I’m just frustrated and sad he won’t compromise for me.

i never wanted a baby in a city and we discussed moving further out if that happened and he is compromising on that and says we can look at places but they’re still within 4 miles of the centre and basically a suburb which he knows isn’t what I mean. he drags his feet too…we are currently in a tiny flat and there’s no way we can be here with a baby, it’s just far too small. But getting him to go to house viewings etc is draining.

ive got to the point where I’ve suggested I move to where I want to be. I’m very lucky in that I have the funds to almost buy a house outright in the place I am thinking of. I’ve said we could be there and I would put him on the deeds etc. I’ve invited him into it all completely but he won’t budge on anything. He keeps saying we can have a great life with kids in a city and that I will meet other mums and can enjoy the busy part of city life. It’s become such a huge thing that I can’t look at him!

I am worried about doing it without him and part of me does love him, we’ve been together 5 years this weekend. But i don’t see a future here and I can’t get my head around how he’s kicking back in our flat as if we don’t have a responsibility to find a proper home. I don’t know what to do. My mum said move and if he loves me and wants to be committed he will follow. No idea if that’s good advice.

My advice having coming through the baby and small child phase. Don't choose to live anywhere that you can't walk most places (post office, leisure centre, shops) within twenty minutes with a pram or a kid on a scooter. Being in and out of the car sucks the life out of you. Walkability will make for a happier and more connected life.

So now that you have what you want you're going to leave and live the life you want? No judgement here, I'm a single parent myself, but don't pretend that anyone is compromising, you are doing exactly what you want and expecting him to change 'if he loves you' I apologise if there is a huge back story of deceit and manipulation on his behalf but that's basically it.

Thanks for the honest and sometimes brutal replies! It’s what I needed to hear.

I don’t feel like I misled DP as he’s always known I’ve not wanted to be city based always. It would certainly make his life harder if we were in the country as he’d have a big commute on his hands and would have to probably stay over in Birmingham a few nights a week as he often has evening calls with companies abroad etc.

my vision of the countryside is walks on the doorstep, the village shop and butches and the swimming and activities etc are around 20 mins away by car. A lot of people have families in the village but it’s also an older population too. I guess there’s a chance I would feel isolated but it’s so similar to where I grew up and I know the village well as my best friend used to live there, that I don’t feel fearful of it.

in Birmingham I don’t even know where to start with anything. Harborne is apparently nice but I don’t know it. I’m terrified of just pitching up there and starting over.

@GreyTS what do you mean now I have what I want? As in now I’m pregnant?

there is part of me that does know deep down that I’m possibly being dramatic, that being in Birmingham isn’t the end of the world and that my child will be ok. I feel resentful that DP won’t even consider what I want it’s like he wants to stay welded to this city forever and if I’m honest I’ve never felt like it’s home.

what do you mean now I have what I want? As in now I’m pregnant?

Honestly it just does seem like you've used him to get pregnant and now you have that you're doing what you want to do and disregard the fact your child has 2 parents.

I think you should live where you want maybe. But I second PP's that I grew up in the country and was depressed, lonely and isolated. I don't think it's the best thing for kids really.

I moved to Birmingham from being brought up in Barton-under-Needwood BTW OP. I live in the centre of town, so I don't have to walk far to do all kinds of things and have a life. I think people are either city or country people maybe. Being LGBT and pagan it was even harder being in a conservative village as a teenager with hardly any like minded people. But that was 20 or more years ago.

Harbourne isn’t exactly rural there are plenty of facilities and services close at hand, there are many outer suburbs of the city that a quite pleasant and convenient. You shouldn’t worry about not fitting in, most residents have no idea who their neighbours are.

I think you need to go and look at some of these places your partner is suggesting. Harborne, Moseley, Kings Heath and Bournville all have a village/villagey suburb feel with loads of green space, mum and baby groups, independent shops and restaurants as well as practical amenities and public transport. And they have good schools! I'm not sure where you have this idea that the schools aren't good.

Living in a remote area has so many disadvantages, even at pregnancy/baby stage - how far is the hospital, how far is the health visitor? Let alone when children are older and having to travel long distances to secondary school, clubs etc. Plus the massive disadvantage of not having their father some or all of the time.

I do wonder if you are seeing the country through rose-coloured spectacles. You say are sociable and like the company of family and friends but you are going to move to a small village. Do you have your family and friends there?

I live in a big city and one of the great things are the afterschool classes. My dgd goes to gymnastic classes with world-class teachers. She can, in fact, study anything she wants. I grew up in a not very small village, but there were only ballet classes and brownies.

Definitely move if that's the lifestyle you want, but FFS, don't be stupid enough to EVER put this man on the deeds to your home. That's madness.

My girlfriend and I have been together 5 years and we talked about wanting kids but I didn't really think it would happen but strangely she got pregnant. Now that she is pregnant, I have realized I don't really like where we live and I don't really want to stay with her because she doesnt want what I want so I think I will just swan off, take the baby, and go and live my own life somewhere else. I told her what I want to do but she doesn't want to come with me so I guess I will just ditch her. How does that sound?

I have a far far more sociable life in a rural village than I ever had in the city!

I didn't even know the people I lived in the same flat conversion with (8 flats) ..

Since moving back to the country I know and socialise with every neighbour in our Lane.

My top tip would be to check out the local primary school. Is it full ? Or about to close because there are only 7 kids left because the village has an older demographic ? Is it on a bus route to secondary ? Are there clubs and social clubs (WI, baby groups, brownies etc)

I am a huge fan of village life but I do think you need to compromise a little. Edge of suburbia perhaps ?

Why would you put him on the deeds? Don’t do that.

You can’t pay someone to pretend to want to live in the countryside. It’s all too little too late I’m afraid OP. You shouldn’t have got pregnant by a man you are incompatible with in the long term. But you have now, so if you don’t want to live in the city, you can go and live in the countryside by yourself, or you may be able to find a compromise such as the suburbs perhaps.

If you can’t compromise then you’re incompatible. In that case, you’ve answered your own question - you want to live in the country more than you want to be with him. And your mum’s advice isn’t great - even if he loved you, and agreed to join you, why would you want to force him to live a life he hated in the countryside? That’s not going to end well.

I have a far far more sociable life in a rural village than I ever had in the city

This^^
I live in West Yorkshire. Used to live in a big town where I raised my children. Absolutely hated it. As did they.
I now live in a small village. Both my kids, although grown now, have moved into villages too. One is now a parent and living village life with their baby.
I echo previous posters and say move before the baby comes. And don't put him on the deeds. Protect yourself OP

I think your vision of the countryside is a very idealised one. Does your friend live there any more, it seems not. Services in such areas can be lacking, you may never be fully welcomed and you would need a car to go anywhere. I think you could end up feeling far more isolated both emotionally and physically.

I based my reply on the first posting, there has been a lot more info since then from OP. So bearing that in mind, suburbs seems reasonable as a compromise.
It's a step in the right direction for you, and if you find that that you are doing all the rearing, it would be better to have facilities on your doorstep.

Wouldn't edge of suburbia be a better compromise? The world has changed a lot since you were a child. Back then there wasn't the kind of technology and access to the world we have now. Back then kids enjoyed running around outside and playing, so big fields and daydreams were enough - I'm not so sure it's the same with children now. I feel they could get more bored/depressed without the constant stimulation they get used to online.There's also a big disparity in the lives and lack of that women put up with then vs now. Rather than assess how happy you were as a child, why not consider how happy your mum was - and how alike you and your mum you would be.

Also you say DP will have to live away from home a few days a week. How does that impact you and your child? How will it impact his relationship with his child? I don't know if a child would value cows and fields more than seeing their dad for dinner every night. Most important is how independent would you really be - with your DP away most nights, everything quite far away, and more limited options for work.

I understand the appeal of rural life but i do think it's more suited to both partners choosing the lifestyle, and really loving the rural area and the hard graft that comes with it. Remember you only experienced it as a child where everything was done for you.Whatever happens, don't force him to move there, and if your mind is made up, move now before baby comes.

Also just to say - if you did split up and move rurally, I see a lot of threads on here of women who talk about how difficult dating is when you're rural. Everyone knows everyone and has dated everyone and it's just not easy to meet single, young men. Something to consider.

I used to live in Harborne. It's lovely and a great place to raise children! Good schools, a nice high street, plenty of kids activities going on. Plus a short hop on the bus into town or a short drive in the other direction to get to lovely countryside in Worcestershire/Warwickshire etc. Lovely Victorian housing stock too.

Ahhhh you've just reminded me how much I miss it there.... 😥

^AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/05/2022 18:22
I think your vision of the countryside is a very idealised one. Does your friend live there any more, it seems not. Services in such areas can be lacking, you may never be fully welcomed and you would need a car to go anywhere. I think you could end up feeling far more isolated both emotionally and physically.^

Listen to Attila, she always talks sense.

OP... Your thread title is "Pregnant but feel like DP isn’t right for me anymore". So here's my question? If he was willing to move to the countryside would he be right for you then?

You don't want to live in the city and are willing to break up your family over it, but seem to have zero problem trying to force him to live somewhere he doesn't want to live! As PP have said, the suberb is both of u compromising. You are being incredibly selfish and dramatic imo!

Look at Sutton Coldfield - many edges of it border countryside, huge park with endless walks, generally good schools, lots of baby groups, pretty good variety of restaurants, multiple train stations - 15-20 mins to city centre, 20-30 mins by car. Good community feel in certain areas such as mere green, streetly and boldmere.

It sounds as though you're not that fond of him. If you were, you'd compromise (as he's prepared to do). Birmingham's not the nicest city, admittedly.