Pregnant but feel like DP isn’t right for me anymore

[TakeMyCoat]

Been with DP for 5 years and we live together in a city that we originally both loved . We’d been talking about a family and had said we’d be open to it happening, ie stopping contraception. We only had sex once around the fertile time and now I’m pregnant. It’s totally changed how I see the relationship although if I am being honest with myself I was having doubts a year or so ago too. Things like I wanted to have a quiet home life and he loves the city. I suggested moving a few times and he just didn’t want to, he loves the convenience of city life and not having to drive much etc.I just started to notice that he values things that don’t matter to me much and I’m very much a home bird and family and friends sort of person. He’s more of a loner so I don’t have anything from his side to build into my life.

it sounds like a small thing but since I’ve been pregnant I’ve just become more and more aware that I don’t want the relationship. I want village life, I want fields around me, more than I want DP it seems!!. Or maybe I’m just frustrated and sad he won’t compromise for me.

i never wanted a baby in a city and we discussed moving further out if that happened and he is compromising on that and says we can look at places but they’re still within 4 miles of the centre and basically a suburb which he knows isn’t what I mean. he drags his feet too…we are currently in a tiny flat and there’s no way we can be here with a baby, it’s just far too small. But getting him to go to house viewings etc is draining.

ive got to the point where I’ve suggested I move to where I want to be. I’m very lucky in that I have the funds to almost buy a house outright in the place I am thinking of. I’ve said we could be there and I would put him on the deeds etc. I’ve invited him into it all completely but he won’t budge on anything. He keeps saying we can have a great life with kids in a city and that I will meet other mums and can enjoy the busy part of city life. It’s become such a huge thing that I can’t look at him!

I am worried about doing it without him and part of me does love him, we’ve been together 5 years this weekend. But i don’t see a future here and I can’t get my head around how he’s kicking back in our flat as if we don’t have a responsibility to find a proper home. I don’t know what to do. My mum said move and if he loves me and wants to be committed he will follow. No idea if that’s good advice.

Agree with this.

You met him in the city, have been together 5 years, now you’ve contemplating dumping your baby’s dad for some fields?

I love the country, I do, and I live there. But you don’t get to make him do what you want, that isn’t how relationships work.

You’re full of hormones, neating instinct has gone into overdrive (google it!), I suggest you don’t do anything drastic and take things slow.

Meant to say nesting instinct

I would move but choose carefully - a village with a school, play group, village hall, play park, shop and pub or cafe as a minimum. Somewhere that has kids football, brownies and so on, some village events. A bus or train that goes to the secondary school and into the nearest town regularly as your child gets bigger.

If you're not happy then you have every right to end the relationship.

Life in a village sounds great but be mindful that as a single parent, you may not be included in the 'couples' based social scene and that can be very isolating.

I hope women won't be in uproar if a man did this - bought a family home for partner and baby but was adamant he didn't want her on deeds.

What do you do for work OP?

Sounds like your partner is being practical if he works in the city? What a terrible life of having to commute well over an hour to work!

I'm always shocked at what little it takes for people to break up their family. Sounds like all you needed him for was to get pregnant & past that you are unwilling to compromise despite it meaning a long commute for him!

There is definitely a middle ground between a city packed with things to do and a very rural village with no neighbours, shops or baby groups.

We moved from Surrey to a village a few years ago, I've name changed so I shall be specific, Aberaeron. We now have a 4 bedroom detached house with a garden which would of never happened for us in Surrey. We are surrounded by gorgeous beaches, coastal paths, walks, there are some lovely schools, the local school has so many clubs and activities going on. There are baby groups both here, in every nearby village and multiple in the nearest town Aberystwyth which is 30 mins away. Everybody is so friendly, neighbours do whatever they can to help. It's a sense of community unlike any I had seen before. We love it here and would never go back.

I don't get why you just didn't buy the house and get a sperm donor. Why drag this man into this if you aren't open to compromising for him?