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Original poster

Would this be a red flag?

102 replies

Scienceseeker · 05/05/2022 21:05

If you were talking to someone new and received this message before your first date, would you see it as a red flag or just a guy who doesn’t know what he’s doing?

”I think if I'm being honest, there might not be attraction between us initially at first sight, but it will probably come with getting to know you better and finding out that you really are a special person and not like the barbie dolls out there who only care about their Instagram“.

Thoughts welcome 🤔

OP posts:
mumwithtwinsandfriends · 06/05/2022 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CheekyHobson · 06/05/2022 01:57

I'd just reply: "Sorry, I'm looking for someone who I click with on every level, not someone I need to "win over" with my personality. Thanks for letting me know we're not a good match."

What's the reason his words have affected you so badly? Are you normally insecure about how you look? Was he so handsome you felt like he was 'out of your league' physically?

From an objective standpoint, it's unlikely that a guy would match with a woman he didn't find especially attractive on the off-chance that her personality might be amazing.

The more likely explanation is that he thinks you're more attractive than he is and is deliberately undermining your confidence in order to make you work hard to please him. Don't play this game. If you're looking for a healthy relationship, you should never feel like there's a significant power imbalance at the start. You shouldn't feel like he's doing you a favour by being with you, and you also shouldn't feel like you're doing him a favour by being with him. You should feel drawn to him, but with a high level of confidence that he is also drawn to you.

If you find you never start relationships feeling a strong mutual attraction, you probably need to do some work on your self-confidence before getting back out there.

Weatherwax13 · 06/05/2022 02:18

"Problem is, I just don't have any attraction to you whatsoever "
Then block.
And you can be sure that he tries this negging crap with every woman he meets. Not just you.

MardyOldGoth · 06/05/2022 02:26

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Dating is the worst! 💐

Watchkeys · 06/05/2022 02:31

Scienceseeker · 05/05/2022 21:39

I know it sounds stupid but I honestly feel like crying it’s made me feel not good enough which is obviously how he sees me.

I’ve since had one that says it’s okay because he’s such I can ‘win him over’ with my personality. Hmm

One man who you've never met can control how you feel about yourself?

Quit dating. Sit and have a think about what's good about you. What you wish was better about you. What you can work on, with you.

What do people that you respect do? How do they act? What accomplishments have they made? What can you do that they do?

If this man you don't know has such power over you, you need to increase your power over you until the likes of him are paled into insignificance. Don't date/go on dating sites until you've done that.

Original poster
Scienceseeker · 06/05/2022 04:13

Thanks everyone. I had never even heard of negging, but have been googling and educated myself now.

Thank you for being the voice of reason, it really helped. Lesson learnt, I shall be more careful next time and follow my instincts.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 06/05/2022 05:56

If you've not heard of nagging before, you'd better Google Shark Cage too.

This was him ramming himself against the bars of your shark cage to see if there was a weakness. There isn't, so now you've (hopefully) blocked him.

Men like him are looking for a woman they can control and manipulate and it will never end well...

Crystalvas · 06/05/2022 06:34

The only other man I heard was that was into dolls, was that guy that kidnapped that four year old in Australia last year. So I would say big red flag.

katmarie · 06/05/2022 06:36

You might not have heard of negging before but your instincts were spot on enough to see this was a red flag, so take some confidence from that. Bullet dodged.

LethargeMarg · 06/05/2022 07:02

I don't know about what a shark cage or negging is but I would definitely put him in his place with a quick reply before blocking . Maybe point out your not so worried about instant attraction but more that he's trying to make you feel insecure and unattractive before you have even met and that his barbie girl comments are misogynistic.

LethargeMarg · 06/05/2022 07:03

These kind of blokes are the type that think they're a nice guy but are actually hugely resentful that not all women are falling at their feet and will use their own insecurities to make others feel crap. Maybe that's what shark cage means ?

GreyCarpet · 06/05/2022 07:46

The shark cage analogy is one that states an abusive man will say little things in the beginning to neg a woman, put her down, make her doubt herself to see if she is vulnerable to that sort of manipulation.

If it works. Bingo, he's in and can begin to up the emotional abuse. If it doesn't work because there are no weak bars, he will move away to find the next woman and continue to do so until he finds one who is receptive to it.

The OP wasn't receptive to it so he'll move on amd try the same technique with other women until he finds one who will try and prove herself to win him over.

Much like a shark bashing against the bars of a shark cage to find a weakness to get in and eat whatever/whoever is inside. If it can't get through because the bars are strong, it'll try another cage until it finds a weakness.

TooGiddy · 06/05/2022 08:54

Have you replied to him @Scienceseeker ?

Trivester · 06/05/2022 10:22

There’s a condition called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) where even small perceived rejections are magnified to the point of being physically painful. It’s something often experienced by people with adhd. It might be completely irrelevant but the strength of your reaction resonated with me, as I would be quite similar. Learning about rsd was helpful to me because I know I can sit through the feelings and they will pass, that’s it’s an over reaction in my brain, rather than evidence of how awful a human I am!

as I said, it might be completely irrelevant to you. But learning about yourself can help protect you from creeps and predators.

Palmfrond · 06/05/2022 13:52

Fucking hell. I want to go on a date with him just for rubber-necking purposes.

me4real · 06/05/2022 16:16

Begging and trying to groom you to try and be who he wants. Block.

Tincat · 06/05/2022 16:22

Weird. I would not go.

Tincat · 06/05/2022 16:24

GreyCarpet · 06/05/2022 07:46

The shark cage analogy is one that states an abusive man will say little things in the beginning to neg a woman, put her down, make her doubt herself to see if she is vulnerable to that sort of manipulation.

If it works. Bingo, he's in and can begin to up the emotional abuse. If it doesn't work because there are no weak bars, he will move away to find the next woman and continue to do so until he finds one who is receptive to it.

The OP wasn't receptive to it so he'll move on amd try the same technique with other women until he finds one who will try and prove herself to win him over.

Much like a shark bashing against the bars of a shark cage to find a weakness to get in and eat whatever/whoever is inside. If it can't get through because the bars are strong, it'll try another cage until it finds a weakness.

Yep. And if it does not work expect to me dumped within 1st or 2nd date or the ‘I am not ready to date’ message. You just failed the shark test - luckily for you.

As my boundaries, self esteem and confidence grew I barely got past 1st date with these guys. They knew there was no point.

Tincat · 06/05/2022 16:26

Scienceseeker · 05/05/2022 21:39

I know it sounds stupid but I honestly feel like crying it’s made me feel not good enough which is obviously how he sees me.

I’ve since had one that says it’s okay because he’s such I can ‘win him over’ with my personality. Hmm

Dont give this loser a second though babe. OLD is full of these idiots. Thank your lucky stars he showed you who he was before you gave him the blessed opportunity to even share the same air space as a queen like yourself!

Beamur · 06/05/2022 16:27

katmarie · 06/05/2022 06:36

You might not have heard of negging before but your instincts were spot on enough to see this was a red flag, so take some confidence from that. Bullet dodged.

This.
Don't feel bad OP. Your instincts are good.
Throw this fish back.

Tincat · 06/05/2022 16:29

Beamur · 06/05/2022 16:27

This.
Don't feel bad OP. Your instincts are good.
Throw this fish back.

Show quote history

Excatly. OP you have no idea how many woman would be susceptible to this (including me when I was younger). Well done for recognising it and spend some time reading more about negging and red flags.

DeclineandFall · 06/05/2022 16:36

I know it sounds stupid but I honestly feel like crying it’s made me feel not good enough which is obviously how he sees me

That's what he intends. Put you on the back foot so you feel inferior and he feels superior and you'll be ever so grateful he's interested in you. That's some low self esteem he's got there. He's not even being subtle about it. The guys a dick. I'd send a laughing emoji and then block.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 06/05/2022 20:51

Not just red but this has a flashing light on it
Steer clear

Pinkbonbon · 06/05/2022 21:20

Definitely red flag.

'Hey, well if you're not feeling it enough, then no worries. Let's not bother meeting then'

Pinkbonbon · 06/05/2022 21:22

Also guessing he will backtrack or make our you are overreacting when you cancel the date as he intended to make you feel shitty but he never thought you'd just tell him to get the fuck.