I cannot 100% hide my C PTSD at work :-( I lost it on a phone call yesterday, the woman was awful, demanding but I couldn't NOT react. HOW do normal people remain calm

[CanIKeepDoingThis]

Just feeling like I'm destined to be at a low level at work forever. I have worked so hard the last five years, I have no doubts there. The work is hard and there's a high volume of it. I've probably worked too hard because there's no reward for that really (it's civil service, the only way up is through competitions). So, yesterday, I wasn't even allowed to make a small call, to email somebody instead of ringing her. I'm annoyed with myself for not simply saying ''no, that doesn't work for me''. So, out of fear of getting in trouble, I did what I was told and now although I don't think I'm in trouble, it all just reflects badly on me. I knew that it would be a bad idea to ring this woman, I was feeling resentful about the level of work heaped upon me, and she'd been demanding a call. I kept emailing her back to say ''what is the query?'' and eventually I was told by a line manager one grade above me to ring her back.

The phone call was a disaster. I'm reeling today. I showed myself up and I'm embarrassed now. I feel like the whole situation was a red rag to a bull. That special combination of endless work to a high standard being expected from me (with no thanks) combined with being unable to make one judgment call ever.

But, other people can cope with this! There are a couple of 20 somethings on the team who just plough relentlessly through the work same as I do.

When I was younger my mother was a tightly wound weasel and she was always annoyed with me, wasn't allowed to express any emotion, not fear, sadness, anger. I am just still trying to iron out this shit 40 years after my childhood. Been in therapy twice, most recently 2021 but in a way, it's stirred things up and made them worse. Things I used to be able to choke back down are erupting out of me now.

Single parent to two teens so I cannot afford to just resign. I don't want to either. Just want a bit of respect. I suppose feeling disrespected is a massive trigger for me and other people whose parents raised them with kindness and love, they can cope with a bit of disrespect.

Just watched about 10 videos about not getting triggered, still feel kind of hard done by.

Wish I could go back in time.

CPTSD can absolutely impact on your ability to keep and hold a job. It is hard and the previous poster clearly doesn't understand trauma and it's impact. Unfortunately your employers are unlikely to understand either. What treatments have you tried- EMDR, Trauma-focused CBT, medications?

Just to add, talking therapy is not really recommended on it's own for CPTSD for the reasons you mention- it can just stir everything up!

I guess that's true up to a point but it's well known that employees are motivated by recognition right? And it's especially true when the lowest grade's pay is so bad that that is part of the problem, getting new staff in. They don't want to join the civil service when the entry level money is quite poor.

If I were a manager of a civil service team working way harder than average, I'd thank my staff for doing more than they signed up for. It seems like management 101 to me, but I'll never be a manager. Clearly.

Can't get past the bottom rung.

I’m not sure OP because I don’t lose my temper ever professionally so I don’t know how you must have been feeling.

I don’t get upset in any scenario (so far) because frankly, I don’t care. It’s not personal even if someone tries to make it personal. And I’m being paid to be there and do the best I can do I just see it as work. If someone is being a dickhead, I just switch off to them and back out of the situation. What do I care if someone wants to act like that?

@herebehippos oh thank you for your replies.

I did stop the therapy because I felt I was just repeating myself endlessly. Now I'm listening to self-compassion audibles.
So, instead of berating myself for getting so annoyed with that woman on the phone yesterday and shaming MYSELF, I'm saying to myself ''it was a challenging situation, many people have been in this situation... may I be kind to myself when I feel embarrassed. May I forgive myself and not dwell on it''.

Trying to change the tape.

But I do need to become less reactive.

What do they recommend these days?

Ok. There are a couple of things that could help.

Firstly, don't take it personally. As PP above hinted at, this isn't about who you are, how good you are, or anything like that. It's about jumping through hoops to the required standard. You don't need to do a great job (nice though that is) you just need to look like you've don't your job.
When you depersonalise it like that, it's easier to cope with difficult people. You are a cog, passing paper to another cog, keep the paper flowing.

Secondly, whenever something is looking tricky, put it aside for an hour or two. So you'd been told you needed to ring her- just delay it until you felt up to it. If it was urgent, she could have rung or emailed.

Thirdly, remember the other person has just as much shit going on as you do. They are insisting on phone because they can't handle email. They have an inbox that's about to explode, they can't seem to explain to you what they mean in writing, and hope that a call will sort it.

When you depersonalise the situation and personalise the other person, it becomes easier to understand what's going on.

I'm fascinated. I want to be like this. Detached from caring what ms entitled says and does. I feel very vulnerable to being somebody else's punching bag and she was angry even though she had no right to be. So I felt far from calm.
You'd swear I owned the company though. Why do I let it get to me.
I go in to some fight or flight mode. FIGHT

It sounds as though you did need to ring her to sort the query? And that talking to people on the phone is part of your job? So maybe yabu.

Thank you. I do need to de-personalise it. I guess rationally I know this but in the moment I get so triggered. I think this incident has upset me because I knew that it was going to be a triggering situation for me, but what do you do, tell your line managers ''this is gonna be like, super triggering for meeeee''' because as mentioned above, I'm a cog in a wheel! And I get that. De-personalising it does help. Even the higher ups are cogs.

I'm able to laugh at myself here but you're comment is triggering me too.
Most people prefer an email because they have the ''trail'' and also, I know I'm the problem here. I know I need to be less reactive. So whether or not I'm being unreasonable is not the issue. I literally know I'm the problem and I'm trying not to shame myself too much right now.

I'd recommend going to see someone to help with the C-PTSD as the trauma underlying it probably has a large part to play in your reactions.

I am NOT a psychologist/trauma counsellor etc so please bear that in mind and soeak to someone qualified. But from what you've said about your childhood you've probably internalised some messaging about being your fault if something goes wrong. That can result in seeing yourself at the centre of every social interaction and taking it very personally when it goes wrong, hence the 0-60 reaction. It might help to focus on putting the other person at the centre of whatever conversation you're having (what's their objective? What else have they got going on? etc). This can soon get you realising that to them you're just a voice on the end of the phone and nothing they say/do is about you specifically. If they're unreasonable, chances are it's because they're stressed out/unprofessional rather than it having anything to do with you personally. It's surprising how much knowing that can take the heat out of unpleasant wor conversations.

One day at a time. 💐

Only talking and then self-compassion. Which I am trying to get on board with.

I will google trauma focused CBT now.

EMDR wouldn't work for me really because I don't have any particular memories. It was more like an atmosphere of fear and silence but because I mostly iddn't generate trouble I do have a few memories of being yelled at alright but the more damaging stuff was that when I told them they hurt me, they were so angry and outraged with me, and that no reaction to anything was ever allowed. And somehow in my childhood I managed that, never had a reaction to anything but now at 52 I'm having over reactions.

I think maybe you need to focus on how to prevent this happening again.

I've worked in a stressful public sector job with regular verbal abuse from members of the public and it is hard and sometimes very upsetting.

Perhaps the lady would have been less frustrated if you had just called her in the first place rather than emails back and forth. I don't know if that would have helped or not. Realistically could you have done anything differently in the first place?

I think that given your C PTSD you need to be careful to avoid putting yourself in stressful situations if you can. Could you get an occupational health referral to see if your manager could make any adjustments?Would you consider applying for something else with less stress?

Could you apply any coping strategies at these stressful times? Maybe a therapist could help you with these.

Have you tried EMDR? A friend of mine had it and found it very helpful.

EMDR is the gold standard, but hard to access through the NHS, especially for CPTSD rather than 'just' PTSD. Self-compassion is a good plan, but in order to be less reactive you have to relearn how to feel safe; you are reacting because your body is still in a trauma state. Have you read The Body keeps the score?

So it's all very well 'knowing' what 'should' be done.

The tricky bit is doing it or managing it. The fact that other people can is irrelevant. Fish can't climb trees, even if monkeys can.

Two things to think about. Everything is harder when you are tired, stressed, hungry etc. So, look after yourself so you are better able to do your best in these situations. Prepare for the triggering situation. Put things in place to help you- a second phone going off to get you out of there, a stash of chocolate to help you stay there. I have tetras on my phone, so I can mindlessly play while listening. Colouring in/doodling is similar. It gives you a bit of distance so things can wash over you more easily.

Secondly- EMDR therapy processes the trauma. It's far better for PTSD than any kind of talking therapy. I can't describe it, but it's highly rated.

I think it's still worth exploring EMDR- the atmosphere, their reactions, those are memories- it doesn't have to be one cohesive moment for EMDR to be affective.

I don't know anything about cptsd, so forgive me if this won't work in your situation. But I handled entitled-people phone calls at work too. I found the best way was to initially listen (so you actually know what the problem is) but if they start ranting I just zoned out a bit. You have to keep enough hearing to notice if their tone changes, so if they're asking a question, or they've stopped ranting, but until that happens just wait for them to stop. It does take practise! While you're waiting, entertain yourself with thoughts of how pitiful their lives must be if they find yelling at a stranger to be a useful way to spend their morning. Or look at your pencil and wonder how the pencil factory makes pencils. Or what you're having for dinner tonight.
Obviously if the rudeness gets into abusive territory, just end the call. You could probably even threaten to end the call, if that would help. 'I don't think we're getting anywhere here. I think we'd be best to continue this conversation via email.' I presume they want something from you? So it is them who wants to talk, and wants you to do something? So you have the power!
It's difficult to give better advice without knowing the nature of the phone calls and who's calling you, but I hope that helps a bit.

Would it help OP if you understood that that woman on the phone couldn’t control her unreasonableness any more than you could?

you were asking how I manage to be detached. The reality is that I don’t take personally other peoples behaviour but the extended version of that is that I also don’t judge or blame them for the way THEY are acting. I feel sorry that they are getting themselves into such a state regardless of whether it’s justified or not.

PS : even though I had an effective coping strategy for these calls, I still hated them. I got a new job - much better! Don't know if that's an option for you?

Unfortunately for people with CPTSD literally anything can be a stressful situation; avoiding everything that could be a trigger can make your life very very small.

Conquering the shame and telling people about the PTSD symptoms and triggers can be really helpful but is hard. You are entitled to reasonable adjustments and support, but it can feel like a massive step to expose your trauma like this- you might need to revisit talking therapy just to navigate the steps needed to start getting help and support.

Read through this OP

IMO a cptsd diagnosis is not ‘helpful’ at work. It is if you’re in bomb disposal, but if as @Therealpink says you can recognise that it’s ‘just work’, acknowledge that you might react in an unhelpful way and mentally put your diagnosis to one side you’ll be happier.

Try specialist yoga for trauma therapy. That type of yoga can reword your brain. There’s scientific research on it. Do it twice a day. Morning and night. You’ll go to work chilled out and able to cope. Plus you need to meditate.

Next, move job. Sideways move? Different department. Change it up