I cannot 100% hide my C PTSD at work :-( I lost it on a phone call yesterday, the woman was awful, demanding but I couldn't NOT react. HOW do normal people remain calm

[CanIKeepDoingThis]

Just feeling like I'm destined to be at a low level at work forever. I have worked so hard the last five years, I have no doubts there. The work is hard and there's a high volume of it. I've probably worked too hard because there's no reward for that really (it's civil service, the only way up is through competitions). So, yesterday, I wasn't even allowed to make a small call, to email somebody instead of ringing her. I'm annoyed with myself for not simply saying ''no, that doesn't work for me''. So, out of fear of getting in trouble, I did what I was told and now although I don't think I'm in trouble, it all just reflects badly on me. I knew that it would be a bad idea to ring this woman, I was feeling resentful about the level of work heaped upon me, and she'd been demanding a call. I kept emailing her back to say ''what is the query?'' and eventually I was told by a line manager one grade above me to ring her back.

The phone call was a disaster. I'm reeling today. I showed myself up and I'm embarrassed now. I feel like the whole situation was a red rag to a bull. That special combination of endless work to a high standard being expected from me (with no thanks) combined with being unable to make one judgment call ever.

But, other people can cope with this! There are a couple of 20 somethings on the team who just plough relentlessly through the work same as I do.

When I was younger my mother was a tightly wound weasel and she was always annoyed with me, wasn't allowed to express any emotion, not fear, sadness, anger. I am just still trying to iron out this shit 40 years after my childhood. Been in therapy twice, most recently 2021 but in a way, it's stirred things up and made them worse. Things I used to be able to choke back down are erupting out of me now.

Single parent to two teens so I cannot afford to just resign. I don't want to either. Just want a bit of respect. I suppose feeling disrespected is a massive trigger for me and other people whose parents raised them with kindness and love, they can cope with a bit of disrespect.

Just watched about 10 videos about not getting triggered, still feel kind of hard done by.

Wish I could go back in time.

Maybe you just need to accept there isn't a solution then? As you say you've tried therapy etc. Or maybe look for another job where there are less triggers?

@Overthewine I also have CPTSD from childhood and later traumas. I am really glad that you have found coping mechanisms that enable you to cope at work, so have I, but that doesn't stop me from being compassionate to OP who hasn't been able to develop those skills, or dismissive of the reality that for most CPTSD sufferers there is an impact on our ability to work, in fact on every aspect of our lives.

Have a look at Pam Assist. I think you should be able to access it as a civil servant. They can provide short bursts of therapy, including EMDR.
Also worth considering an occupational health referral to see if they can suggest reasonable adjustments.

Also like PP suggest looking into menopause issues, but in no way belittling your past trauma OP. Emotional impact of peri/meno can be huge 💐

I couldn't get in to the body keeps the score. I found it too intellectual i think. ??
I should try again though.

I have lost a good few jobs over the last 30 odd years due to not handling things well. not necessarily losing my temper but just being unable to WAIT and see how things panned out, forcing a resolution be it a bad one or a good one and .... it was bad, if I forced it when people were already frustrated with me.

I do get that you can't speak harshly to people in a work context, that's why I started the thread. I know that I need to not do this.

@Overthewine ''What do you do to correct your own behaviour and responses then?''
Well that's what I'm trying to figure out?

I have PTSD not CPTSD but I am sometimes triggered at work (it happened last week). I didn't used to be like this and I have to work hard to get through it. I'm lucky that I have an understanding boss.
I think the first thing I've learned is not to ignore my triggers so that I don't get to the point of shouting at someone (it happened in the past and I just apologised and explained that it's one of the symptoms of PTSD). Forgave myself and moved on.
Also, meditation and long walks really help me to keep calm and feel positive.
I write down what's making me anxious and work out what I can fix and what I have to park. Sometimes a burst of logical problem solving can help me to reset my brain so I can get past the emotional response.
It the particular situation you found yourself in, it sounds like you find phone calls difficult. If I find myself in that sort of situation, I break it down into small chunks. For example, (1) I'm only lifting the phone, (2) only dialling the number (3) I'm only going to ask what the problem is (4) only going to listen (5) just writing it down (6) just say I'm going to check (7) just say I'll get back to her as soon as I have an answer (8) I'm only going to put the phone down (9) and breathe.
Hope this helps.

That is really useful there @willowkins
Breaking down the phonecall like that. If i could have taken myself out of my fight or flight response by saying 'im just listening now" it could have helped. Thank you

EMDR is said to be helpful for people with PTSD - can you afford a therapist?

I hope you don't manage anyone! Thanks and praise (when due) is way more motivational to many employees than cash (although of course that's a factor, you wouldn't do it for free!). If I never received thanks or praise I would be miserable and leave. I would feel very unappreciated and not valued. Feeling appreciated and valued is very important to me. I am not motivated by cash on a day to day basis.

Have a look into DBT skills. Particularly their approach to mindfulness. Younger people are generally more flexible and also they don't usuallt have a load of heavy commitments outside of work...kids, mortgage etc. So don't beat yourself up

Overcoming Trauma through Yoga (Emerson and Hopper) is a much easier read, but covers the same ground as BKtS and then puts it into practical action in evidence-based ways.

I would also observe that a pp seems to be making the mistake of thinking that the strategies and approaches that worked for them are the universal answer for anyone with CPTSD. That is not true - what works for one person, works for that one person. Everyone is different.

Putting other people down for not finding the same strategies useful, or trashing their different strategies with notions of 'victimhood' for viewing it differently is merely perpetuating prejudice and stigma. There is no shame in the diagnosis.

There is nothing wrong with accepting that enduring mental illness or another disability is part of your identity. It can be very helpful in letting go of fighting 'against' it and in managing the grieving process. The idea that it is wrong to do so comes from the stigma of mental illness, not any evidentiary foundation.

If I'm perfectly honest it sounds like you were very unprofessional, and are now embarrassed and trying to find reasons why it's not your fault.

I think until you take responsibility for your own actions you WON'T be able to stay cool like your colleagues do.

Of course it feels personal, of course you want to scream back at the rude customer. You aren't the only one. But you have to take deep calming breaths and remember you are at work, part of your job is to stay calm and goal orientated. YOU can be the one in control of the situation if you can learn that you don't have to react.

Just to pick up on @Willowkins very useful and compassionate post:

Forgave myself and moved on.

This is so very important in managing PTSD and CPTSD (and something some posters who are so keen to stick the boot in seem to be missing).

As long as you are focused on beating yourself up and punishing yourself, you can't look to implement any strategies. Partly because it distracts and drains you, but also - if you feel you deserve to suffer, how can you give yourself permission to experiment with different strategies or self-compassion?

Especially with CPTSD, that shame and the compulsion to punish yourself (whether through berating yourself, self-sabotaging, etc) is essentially a type of flashback pulling you into the past. If you respond to it by punishing yourself, it keeps it going and keeps you stuck in that past experience.

If you can resist the urge to punish and sink into shame (even if only delaying it gradually more each time), that will help you come back to the present. The more you practise the easier it will become.

Recognising/understanding that's what is happening may enable you to find the strategies that best help you manage it.

Another book that you may find interesting is called Unshame by Carolyn Spring. It's not 'intellectual' like BKtS, although parts may be emotionally confronting so self-care applies. But it is short, accessibly written and I wonder if it would resonate with some of your experiences.

Making sense of why you reacted a certain way isn't saying "it's not my fault".

If you don't understand why something happened - even if you acknowledge it was your "fault" - how precisely are you supposed to change anything? Nobody can effectively change something they don't understand.

That's like saying not to get home/car/travel insurance because if something happens to you/your belongings that's tough because "it's your fault" ! Illogical.

Self-flagellation doesn't help anybody move forward and it is not helpful.

Also what’s wrong with losing your temper at work now and again? emotions are real, women are conditioned to be ‘nice’ and suppress this. Forgive yourself x

@glindaswand thank you so much

I will refer back to this thread, the special trauma yoga sounds interesting, i like yoga and the book by carolyn somebody, going to scroll back and see if it's on audible.

Thank you for all the comments, even the ones who really dont get it, that shows me how i'll be perceived by my bosses at work! This is why i want to change.

Hi OP, alas I'm teally not in a position to advise on dealing with negative emotion, just want to say you're not alone in still dealing with childhood trauma in mid-life.

I too really wish I knew how to let go, or perhaps better how to own my past without still being upset that it is as it is. It's hard. Don't be hard on yourself.

Oh, and have you come across EMDR? I found it strangely helpful. All the best.

Is the carolyn spring book called ''recovery is the best revenge''. I just bought that and the yoga book.

I will look for therapy, will have to think about what approach would work for me.

Do you have specific memories ? Did you reframe them?

I feel like all i have is this sense that I was clumsy, needy, dopey, demanding... But I don't have any memories that support that sense. The times my mother yelled at me for hours on end were times I'd felt strong enough to detach iykwim. So I don't think those memories are the things that shaped my inner voice. Because I remember feeling shocked by her, not internalising her voice because on those memorable occasions, she'd gone too far and I looked at her and thought, wow, crayz. It was all the other times that I was just irritating her by being a human being! those are the things I can't remember but that harmed me.

Ah, right, missed this post.
Thank you @herebehippos

I'm not at all an expert in mental health but do know that much of the civil service is very big on well being and work/life balance at the moment. Would you be able to talk to your line manager or someone in your well being team or HR about your preferred patterns and way of working? And possible things they could put in place to help manage your stress?
As a manager, I've done various training about talking to people about how they like to communicate and being sensitive to those who would prefer to communicate by email than by phone or in person. Also try not to compare yourself to the 20-somethings. They have far less on their plate outside work than you do as you're raising children.

There's no should about it! if you didn't find it helpful then try something else; you have spent a long time with your coping mechanisms, it will almost certainly take a long time to find what works for you in terms of developing new strategies. I think that @cornflakedreams 's post about trying to move on from the shame/blame cycle is so right and so important, and this feeling that you "should" try again with things is part of that cycle.

I think you are on to something with the self compassion audible.

Something similar. I rebuilt my self esteem years ago (but still later in life). I continue to try to be my own best friend, pat my own self on the back when I think I do well - but that's the card part... Knowing/identifying when I'm doing well and allowing myself that space to say that.

Harder to accept what seems like bad advice ( calling instead of emailing or vice versa....) in my line of work, I have to do both.

Best advice I received? I was terribly terribly wronged in the workplace years ago. Had a bit of confrontation with another, someone way more senior. Left building. On return, met with someone even more senior for advice - they told me to say "what can I do to make this better". I sucked it up, said it. Worked a few more years with the confrontation person who then said openly was trying to get me fired!! And that they were wrong!! Years! Point being, sometimes, even when your are right, you are not senior enough to be right. Just ask for advice on how you can make it better and try to do that thing if appropriate.

I wish you all the very best and hope you can find some combination of therapy that helps you with your ongoing healing journey.

Minor update, went in to work yesterday although I was very embarrassed and my line manager was really kind about it. She didn't start off with a lecture tone because she knew ...... she asked me if I was ok. I said I'd worked through a week sick and felt depleted and resentful. We had a good chat. I didn't tell her about the books I've ordered though. Managed to keep that back. Would have over shared that 5 years ago.

Look what's on audible for free!

Have a different book coming but these are free

Conversations with Carolyn Spring

If you're not a member of audible the link won't work but if you're a member it should.