I cannot 100% hide my C PTSD at work :-( I lost it on a phone call yesterday, the woman was awful, demanding but I couldn't NOT react. HOW do normal people remain calm

[CanIKeepDoingThis]

Just feeling like I'm destined to be at a low level at work forever. I have worked so hard the last five years, I have no doubts there. The work is hard and there's a high volume of it. I've probably worked too hard because there's no reward for that really (it's civil service, the only way up is through competitions). So, yesterday, I wasn't even allowed to make a small call, to email somebody instead of ringing her. I'm annoyed with myself for not simply saying ''no, that doesn't work for me''. So, out of fear of getting in trouble, I did what I was told and now although I don't think I'm in trouble, it all just reflects badly on me. I knew that it would be a bad idea to ring this woman, I was feeling resentful about the level of work heaped upon me, and she'd been demanding a call. I kept emailing her back to say ''what is the query?'' and eventually I was told by a line manager one grade above me to ring her back.

The phone call was a disaster. I'm reeling today. I showed myself up and I'm embarrassed now. I feel like the whole situation was a red rag to a bull. That special combination of endless work to a high standard being expected from me (with no thanks) combined with being unable to make one judgment call ever.

But, other people can cope with this! There are a couple of 20 somethings on the team who just plough relentlessly through the work same as I do.

When I was younger my mother was a tightly wound weasel and she was always annoyed with me, wasn't allowed to express any emotion, not fear, sadness, anger. I am just still trying to iron out this shit 40 years after my childhood. Been in therapy twice, most recently 2021 but in a way, it's stirred things up and made them worse. Things I used to be able to choke back down are erupting out of me now.

Single parent to two teens so I cannot afford to just resign. I don't want to either. Just want a bit of respect. I suppose feeling disrespected is a massive trigger for me and other people whose parents raised them with kindness and love, they can cope with a bit of disrespect.

Just watched about 10 videos about not getting triggered, still feel kind of hard done by.

Wish I could go back in time.

Nice link!

Don't write off emdr. I came across it recommended for childhood trauma, where children were pre verbal. As in, the trauma happened when they were preverbal, so they couldn't articulate and process it. They were still young at the time it was recommended, maybe 4/5. It can be done in a physical way, not just through talking.

I don’t know v much about ptsd, but dealing with angry, difficult people can be helped with practice. Can you have some cards in front of you for phrases you would use in different situations? Eg:

1. I’m so sorry that has been your experience…


2. I can understand why you are angry… I’m afraid I don’t make the decisions with this - can I discuss it with my boss and get back to you?


3. I don’t have the authority to make decisions here - but perhaps I could progress your case with my boss and get back to you.


4. I’m so sorry unfortunately my boss said… perhaps what you could do is contact this helpline for an appeal. I’m so sorry but that is all I can do. I’m afraid I have to go now.

could you practice saying these (I dunno if it would trigger you, but perhaps you could practice them in a safe environment? Could you do a role play with a trusted friend?)?

I don't have anything useful to add about the work situation but cannot recommend EMDR highly enough.

DD has had this, in Covid times so it wasn't really'E'MDR; her therapist got her to tap her knees instead. The difference it has made is astounding. If you can access a good therapist, please try it.

Also, do you have access to an employee assistance programme? In my former employment I recommended it to many colleagues and they all rated it. They got access to therapy way quicker than through their doctor.

Understand that people are not angry at you personally - they likely have rubbish
situations too and are angry at the system.

Having these phrases can help: I can do x and get back to you. I’m afraid I have another meeting to get to so I’m going to have to end the call… sorry, I will discuss with my colleagues and get back to you, but I’m afraid I have to go… <put down phone>.

Hi OP.

Please go on youtube and look up crappy childhood fairy. It's a bit American but if you get past that and learn the regulation technique she teaches (it's an AA technique that's slightly modified) it will really help you.

There are different schools of thought on trauma. I love van der Kolks work, but sometimes the problem with CPTSD is that you feel too much. Learning how to regulate your emotions whether it's through yoga, the dysregulation tech from crappy childhood fairy or whatever you find that works for you is what is needed rather than constantly being too emotional.

Wu wei wisdom is also helpful as you learn to recognise red light feelings and follow the thread and get out the feeling and take responsibility. We create the feelings inside us, we chose to react. Working out why and stopping that is good.

EDMR is great for PTSD, it can be helpful for CPTSD but it doesn't always work for it.

"I feel very vulnerable to being somebody else's punching bag and she was angry even though she had no right to be".

Here's a thought to chew on! This lady was angry even though the situation didn't warrant it and you too were angry even though the situation didn't warrant it. It sounds to me as though you were both dealing with a lot of 'stuff' that really wasn't about the actual situation itself. Just as you want to be seen and heard at work, maybe this person also needed to be seen and heard too?

As for the job itself, I'm assuming you've thought about finding a new one? What about a totally different industry (outside of civil service) where you might just be seen and rewarded far more? I work in the charitable sector and absolutely love what I do. I believe in the cause we're fighting for and though I started out as a cog in the machine, I now run a department.

Work doesn't necessarily have to be a source of joy but considering how much of our lives we spend in the workplace, it's nice if we get happiness from it too. I am sure you will have great transferable skills - maybe start looking in other industries.