Am I going mad?

notanelephant · 2022-05-04T17:48:27+00:00

Had a huge row with partner about the fact that I forget things. The issue is that I say they never told me which they say annoys them when they 'know' they have. I am convinced at the time they haven't. But somehow I must be wrong and they are right they definitely told me. This is a often, not occasionally. Now I don't know what to do about it. Seems to keep the peace I just have to say 'sorry I forgot' but that really annoys me when I know sometimes I haven't. Either they are telling someone else and think It's me, or they think they've told me and haven't. I know sometimes I probably do forget but not to every single time. My partner talks to a lot of people (parents and exes - mother of kids), work and hobby people probably daily either on the phone or messages so it's highly possible they said something to one of them and thinks they've said it to me too but haven't. What is going on here... honestly I'm at a loss as to what this is all about and how to deal with it. I actually feel like I'm going mad!

RoyKentsChestHair · 04/05/2022 18:52

What sort of things is your partner insisting they’ve told you? Is it the kind of thing they might have said to anyone else, not specific to you two?

TenRedThings · 04/05/2022 18:53

It's called gaslighting and it's a power trip to make you doubt yourself and make him feel in control of you.

CrossingItAll · 04/05/2022 18:55

How many partners for you have 🤔

resuwen · 04/05/2022 18:56

Are you my husband? I have this conversation at least once a day. I definitely do tell him, he just doesn't listen!

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 18:57

If this is just a problem with one person, then they're the problem. You saying they didn't tell you has equal weight as them saying they did: don't forget that. You are on equal footing, not in a position where they say you're wrong, so you are in a diminished position.

Has anyone else mentioned that you have memory issues?

If one individual in your life makes you feel you're going mad, then the way to stop feeling mad is to keep away from them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2022 18:59

This is gaslighting behaviour towards you as is designed to make you question your version of reality, this is abusive in nature. I would seriously consider planning your exit from him.

Original poster

notanelephant · 04/05/2022 19:00

resuwen · 04/05/2022 18:56

Are you my husband? I have this conversation at least once a day. I definitely do tell him, he just doesn't listen!

Haha not your husband no!
I get that sometimes it happens and believe me it happens the other way round too.

I have ALOT to remember so not saying for sure I haven't forgotten some bits. But there are just some things I know I wouldn't have forgotten because they would be important or stick out to me. Or things I would have acted on or had a response to at the time.

So sometimes it comes after things they have 'reminded' me of and I've maybe had a reaction then, and then it's 'I already told you' when I don't believe they have at all.

It's just happening way too often now that it's becoming an issue, both ways. And I don't know if they are doing it on purpose to make me feel mad. I manage to remember everything everyone else tells me and also things at work. So it appears to be an issue specifically with them.

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me4real · 04/05/2022 19:00

It does sound gaslighty.

Insist that any crucial information 'they' send you in texts too @notanelephant , so you remember. You could frame it as you don't want to forget important things they say and (according to them) have a poor memory.

That way you have proof of whether they said it or not.

Original poster

notanelephant · 04/05/2022 19:01

RoyKentsChestHair · 04/05/2022 18:52

What sort of things is your partner insisting they’ve told you? Is it the kind of thing they might have said to anyone else, not specific to you two?

Yes not specific stuff like maybe something about one of the kids, that likely they also spoke to their parents about or an ex.

Or just about general conversation stuff that I know they have discussed with other people such as work people or hobby people.

So it's stuff where I know they have had likely the same or a similar conversation with someone else about it.

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Original poster

notanelephant · 04/05/2022 19:03

TenRedThings · 04/05/2022 18:53

It's called gaslighting and it's a power trip to make you doubt yourself and make him feel in control of you.

This is what I'm worried about. It's starting to feel very much like that. Because I just know on some occasions.

And there is no 'oh maybe I didn't tell you then' ever! It's always, I know I told you and you are wrong and have forgot. Because really it could be either, I could have forgotten or, they may not have told me. None of us can know for certain unless we are cctv or something.

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ConfusedByDesign · 04/05/2022 19:05

Tell him that from now on, he needs to text you this stuff as you have a lot going on.
Then when this comes up again, you just say 'did you text me, like I asked. If you don't text, it's not getting done' I hope he's not treating you as his personal servant.

Original poster

notanelephant · 04/05/2022 19:06

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 18:57

If this is just a problem with one person, then they're the problem. You saying they didn't tell you has equal weight as them saying they did: don't forget that. You are on equal footing, not in a position where they say you're wrong, so you are in a diminished position.

Has anyone else mentioned that you have memory issues?

If one individual in your life makes you feel you're going mad, then the way to stop feeling mad is to keep away from them.

Yes just this one person, I have a responsible job where remembering to do things is important. I am considered very good at my job, and people often comment on it. So I know it's not that.

I can be a bit 'forgetful' about small things but nothing out of the 'norm' like, I forgot to get milk at the end of the day after thinking about it in the morning. But not every time, just very occasionally and if I've been exceptionally busy. But some of this stuff they say I forgot wouldn't fall into the milk level, it's more important stuff.

This is what I have been trying to say to them; how do you know you told me and I forgot, how is me saying you didn't tell me any less valid than you saying you did? But they are adamant they 'know!' They told me, and the problem is me, so I get nowhere. And I am saying 'maybe I did forget, I don't know, but also, maybe you didn't tell me'

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Original poster

notanelephant · 04/05/2022 19:07

me4real · 04/05/2022 19:00

It does sound gaslighty.

Insist that any crucial information 'they' send you in texts too @notanelephant , so you remember. You could frame it as you don't want to forget important things they say and (according to them) have a poor memory.

That way you have proof of whether they said it or not.

I have actually asked for this. Sometimes they do it and funnily enough I remember!

More often than not they don't. And this is why I am wondering if it's on purpose

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Original poster

notanelephant · 04/05/2022 19:10

ConfusedByDesign · 04/05/2022 19:05

Tell him that from now on, he needs to text you this stuff as you have a lot going on.
Then when this comes up again, you just say 'did you text me, like I asked. If you don't text, it's not getting done' I hope he's not treating you as his personal servant.

No not servant like.

It's more general stuff, but not. It's hard to explain. It's not 'can you pick up some bread' or such like.

It's more 'this is happening with the kids, or this has changed with the kids' or a detail about something that happened where I know part of it but not certain bits. It's really hard to explain what fits into the category. But it is more than day to day conversations so therefore for me I'd be more likely to remember. I keep a pretty close eye on what's happening with the kids purely because of the juggling act of planning dinners/whose sleeping where etc. so stuff like that I tend to remember

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Sunnytwobridges · 04/05/2022 19:12

TenRedThings · 04/05/2022 18:53

It's called gaslighting and it's a power trip to make you doubt yourself and make him feel in control of you.

Yup, this right here.

Orgasmagorical · 04/05/2022 19:16

Sounds like gaslighting to me too.

What's he like in other areas of your relationship?

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 19:16

But they are adamant they 'know!' They told me, and the problem is me, so I get nowhere

So there's never any suggestion of finding better ways to make things work, or any concern about your poor memory, or any hint of potential failings on both sides?

This isn't a healthy relationship.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/05/2022 19:20

It's called gaslighting and it's designed to crush your spirit and convince you you are going mad.

AnotherEmma · 04/05/2022 19:26

Your partner is a man. It's so tiresome when people confuse matters by referring to they/them all the time, unless the person in question is trans and actually uses those pronouns, just use he/him FGS. Frankly I find it a bit insulting as usually the reluctance to reveal that he's a man is based on the assumption that we're all man haters who can't possibly give objective advice if we know who's the man and who's the woman. Yawn.

Anyway. Your male partner sounds like a gaslighting arsehole. What are you going to do about it?

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 19:33

You're insulted @AnotherEmma ?

It's quite possible that this is a same sex relationship. Women are just as likely to gaslight their partners as men.

BadNomad · 04/05/2022 19:34

AnotherEmma · 04/05/2022 19:26

Your partner is a man. It's so tiresome when people confuse matters by referring to they/them all the time, unless the person in question is trans and actually uses those pronouns, just use he/him FGS. Frankly I find it a bit insulting as usually the reluctance to reveal that he's a man is based on the assumption that we're all man haters who can't possibly give objective advice if we know who's the man and who's the woman. Yawn.

Anyway. Your male partner sounds like a gaslighting arsehole. What are you going to do about it?

How do you know the partner is a man?

AnotherEmma · 04/05/2022 19:37

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 19:33

You're insulted @AnotherEmma ?

It's quite possible that this is a same sex relationship. Women are just as likely to gaslight their partners as men.

Bullshit. Gaslighting is a form of abuse, and abuse is a gendered issue. Of course female abusers exist but the majority are male.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 19:40

The majority of physical abusers are male. Emotional abuse goes both ways. It's not uncommon in the lesbian community. You don't know what you're talking about.

Original poster

notanelephant · 04/05/2022 19:42

Orgasmagorical · 04/05/2022 19:16

Sounds like gaslighting to me too.

What's he like in other areas of your relationship?

I thought relatively good but I guess things are creeping in hence why this has become more of an issue. As it's happening more often now and I am starting to notice other bits too. Just picking holes in things I do, making little comments about things I do.

It can be good, but they all say that don't they?

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Original poster

notanelephant · 04/05/2022 19:44

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 19:16

But they are adamant they 'know!' They told me, and the problem is me, so I get nowhere

So there's never any suggestion of finding better ways to make things work, or any concern about your poor memory, or any hint of potential failings on both sides?

This isn't a healthy relationship.

Talks have been had in the past about finding better ways of dealing with things but they seem to have tapered and now it's more of a 'this is your problem to sort' than a joint effort.

No concern about my poor memory, but I'm not surprised as I don't think I have one, and I guess concern leads to GPs who would likely tell me I'm absolutely fine! Though I have considered going myself just to get this outcome.

No acknowledgement of both sides being potentially wrong. They are always right.

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