Am I going mad?

[notanelephant]

Had a huge row with partner about the fact that I forget things.

The issue is that I say they never told me which they say annoys them when they 'know' they have.

I am convinced at the time they haven't. But somehow I must be wrong and they are right they definitely told me. This is a often, not occasionally.

Now I don't know what to do about it. Seems to keep the peace I just have to say 'sorry I forgot' but that really annoys me when I know sometimes I haven't.

Either they are telling someone else and think It's me, or they think they've told me and haven't. I know sometimes I probably do forget but not to every single time.

My partner talks to a lot of people (parents and exes - mother of kids), work and hobby people probably daily either on the phone or messages so it's highly possible they said something to one of them and thinks they've said it to me too but haven't.

What is going on here... honestly I'm at a loss as to what this is all about and how to deal with it. I actually feel like I'm going mad!

I think so

Good for you.

Plan quietly.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.

If no one else you interact with says you are forgetful, then it's partner problem, not a you problem. But as other posters have mentioned, it seems more about control, bullying and gaslighting than you simply being f forgetful

Agreed. Tell them nothing, grey rock but don't change so much that you'll arouse their suspicions. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. Good luck

How you doing, @notanelephant ?

Sounds like you got close to making a big decision yesterday. Hope you're ok.

Hmm, I have to say I've been in relationships before where my partner would tell me things and I'd have no memory of it, but still functioned perfectly at work, with friends, etc.

It's because I was sick to the back teeth with him and wasn't actually listening to anything he said because when I did, I wanted to throw things at him.

Needless to say we didn't stay together much longer!

Hope you're okay OP - it sounds like you've realised things aren't right at all.

for you OP. I think you are slowly realising that he is constantly and consistently undermining your belief in yourself. It took me over 10 years to realise this and I am spending this year getting myself in a position to leave. He doesn't realise I know what he is doing but I can now see it all a lot clearer on why my health, both mental and physical, has imploded.

Start watching. You will see more

I am doing ok thanks for asking. There's lots of planning for getting this right I think. So have started to look into how I manage on my own and get things in place for it. It's going to take a bit of time.

I'm just going to switch myself off a bit, but as said above not enough to arouse much suspicion. But quietly go about what I need to.

And mostly, just sad and trying to function normally as possible :(

Keep a quiet note of date and the instance for yourself.

Make sure all your passwords etc. are secure.

Start detaching and don't waste energy engaging with big discussions about if he did or didn't tell you.

Just be 🤷‍♀️ and "oh dear" etc.

Tell good friends and family that will support you.

Post again as a record here, if you feel it helps.

This is absolutely deliberate on his part, you must remember that.

Anyone can forget small white noise things, but the big important things that can have consequences, absolutely not.

You aren't doing it in work, just at home.

So quietly getting yourself organised and protected is very wise.

Do you have children?
Ages?