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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I going mad?

60 replies

notanelephant · 04/05/2022 18:48

Had a huge row with partner about the fact that I forget things.

The issue is that I say they never told me which they say annoys them when they 'know' they have.

I am convinced at the time they haven't. But somehow I must be wrong and they are right they definitely told me. This is a often, not occasionally.

Now I don't know what to do about it. Seems to keep the peace I just have to say 'sorry I forgot' but that really annoys me when I know sometimes I haven't.

Either they are telling someone else and think It's me, or they think they've told me and haven't. I know sometimes I probably do forget but not to every single time.

My partner talks to a lot of people (parents and exes - mother of kids), work and hobby people probably daily either on the phone or messages so it's highly possible they said something to one of them and thinks they've said it to me too but haven't.

What is going on here... honestly I'm at a loss as to what this is all about and how to deal with it. I actually feel like I'm going mad!

OP posts:
BadNomad · 04/05/2022 19:44

This is what happens when two scatterbrained people get together. My DP and I are like this. We call it our Schrodinger's moments. Both scenarios are possible.

Original poster
notanelephant · 04/05/2022 19:46

BadNomad · 04/05/2022 19:44

This is what happens when two scatterbrained people get together. My DP and I are like this. We call it our Schrodinger's moments. Both scenarios are possible.

That would be perfectly fine if that were how it was and we could laugh about it and our busy brains making us forget I wouldn't have an issue with that.

But it's not. It's always apparently me that absolutely has to be mistaken. Never them.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 04/05/2022 19:48

BadNomad · 04/05/2022 19:34

How do you know the partner is a man?

Show quote history

"My partner talks to a lot of people (parents and exes - mother of kids ), work and hobby people"

Since the partner's ex is the mother of his "their" children it is very likely the partner is the father, of course it could have been a same-sex relationship but in that case she wouldn't be the mother since the children would have two mothers.

That's how I know, but there are also several factors that make it very likely, including the fact that statistically the majority of people posting on mumsnet are straight women (not all mumsnetters, obviously) and the majority of gaslighting arseholes are men.

Also, OP refers to the fact that she "they" does the meal planning and organising kids, and refers to her partner doing hobbies more than once. In the vast majority of cases it's women who do the former and men who do the latter. Not all cases, obviously.

I'm sure people will argue with me for the sake of it. This is mumsnet after all. But OP is a woman and the partner is a man. No point pretending otherwise, it's just a distraction. (And yes I'm derailing the thread, which is bad form, but also a risk when you use "they" instead of he or she for no good reason.)

BadNomad · 04/05/2022 19:50

I know. That's their problem though. Their arrogance. If they really think your memory is that bad then make it so they have to put it down in writing somewhere.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 19:56

You've got very stereotypical viewpoints, @AnotherEmma

OP may well be a woman in a relationship with a man. But if only straight women posted here, I wouldn't be here. I wonder if you're proud to be disregarding minorities? And you're the one who's insulted, just by the suggestion that other possibilities are present.

That's quite a position you've got yourself into, there.

Original poster
notanelephant · 04/05/2022 19:57

@AnotherEmma

It wasn't a risk I considered when making the thread to be honest. The risks I considered were 'is this outing info' or 'will I be told I am the problem and I am in fact going mad'.

But if it's an issue for you then ok.

You are wrong about a few factors. Meal planning is not only done by me, I just said that where the kids are is relevant to that, so it's something I would more than likely have remembered.

We also are involved in the same hobbies with mostly the same people at the same times. But for various reasons they discuss it with others more than I do.

OP posts:
dollymuchymuchness · 04/05/2022 19:58

TenRedThings · 04/05/2022 18:53

It's called gaslighting and it's a power trip to make you doubt yourself and make him feel in control of you.

I came on to say this ^.

Original poster
notanelephant · 04/05/2022 20:01

Seems quite a lot of agreement around gaslighting. So I know I need to either 1.end this, 2. Have a frank conversation with them about it. Or start gathering facts and truths I.e writing it down.

Though I think number 1 is really what I should be doing. As it's not going to be only this. I guess it that's got worse, other stuff probably will too.

It kind of starting as day to day stuff and has slowly escalated into more often.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 20:05

I think if you've said it's bothering you and your partner's main concern is still being right, and you being wrong, then yes. Their ego is more important to them than you feeling ok, and that's not a good relationship to continue with.

Also, the very basic 'Don't hang around with people who make you feel there's something wrong with you' tenet stands true.

Ferngreen · 04/05/2022 20:10

Now I don't know what to do about it. Seems to keep the peace I just have to say 'sorry I forgot' but that really annoys me when I know sometimes I haven't.

You could say that yes I have a lot on my plate, I can also be forgetful, so in future if it's something important then they could repeat it to be sure you know what they are stating.

Another thing my DH would do was mumble. He would do it a lot. So then I am chasing through the house after him asking what he said - knowing if I didn't get it it would be my fault for 'not listening'. I solved it by just ignoring mumbles. If he wants me to know something he can make a point of telling me. Life is easier without his mumbling moans and groans.

I think it is a bit of feeling sorry for themselves so making your life harder too, - 'my life is hard, you are just making it harder by not listening' (boohoo) - and they think they are entitled to take out their annoyance by winding you up.

So I think the answer is do not react to the 'things you forgot' - if the child isn't picked up at the right time, the packed lunch isn't ready, whatever it's not your problem (as you know) it is his for being a gaslighting ah. If it causes him hassle he will suddenly remember to speak to you more clearly.

AnotherEmma · 04/05/2022 20:11

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 19:56

You've got very stereotypical viewpoints, @AnotherEmma

OP may well be a woman in a relationship with a man. But if only straight women posted here, I wouldn't be here. I wonder if you're proud to be disregarding minorities? And you're the one who's insulted, just by the suggestion that other possibilities are present.

That's quite a position you've got yourself into, there.

I don't have stereotypical viewpoints, and I don't disregard minorities. It seems that you have misread my posts and/or misunderstood my points, wilfully or not.

i mean, if you can read "statistically the majority of people posting on mumsnet are straight women (not all mumsnetters, obviously)" and then accuse me of stating that "only straight women post here", there's no point me trying to reason with you.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 20:13

@AnotherEmma

there's no point me trying to reason with you

OK then.

AnotherEmma · 04/05/2022 20:14

notanelephant · 04/05/2022 19:57

@AnotherEmma

It wasn't a risk I considered when making the thread to be honest. The risks I considered were 'is this outing info' or 'will I be told I am the problem and I am in fact going mad'.

But if it's an issue for you then ok.

You are wrong about a few factors. Meal planning is not only done by me, I just said that where the kids are is relevant to that, so it's something I would more than likely have remembered.

We also are involved in the same hobbies with mostly the same people at the same times. But for various reasons they discuss it with others more than I do.

Wrong about a few factors?
I'm not wrong about the key point which is that you're a woman and he's a man.
i don't really care about the division of labour and the fact that you have hobbies too.
it doesn't matter. does it, if he gaslights you to this extent.
i hope you can find it in yourself to LTB.
Flowers

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 20:16

Sorry for the derail, OP.

Have you told your partner how much this issue is bothering you? If so, how did they respond? If not, what stops you?

me4real · 04/05/2022 20:28

Your partner is a man

I would assume not @AnotherEmma or why would OP play 'the pronoun game?' They want to hear our unbiased opinions. Maybe OP is a man. Either way their questions seem valid.

Though I think number 1 is really what I should be doing. As it's not going to be only this. I guess it that's got worse, other stuff probably will too. It kind of starting as day to day stuff and has slowly escalated into more often.

@notanelephant Have there been other issues? Definitely bin them if you have that gut feeling, either way.

Haffiana · 04/05/2022 20:40

"DP, I am becoming increasingly worried about the increasing frequency with which you state to me that you believe that you had a conversation with me that simply did not happen. I am really concerned about this and the implications it has for your health. Can I please suggest that you make a GP appointment and get this checked out? It may just be work-related stress or something, but I don't think it is normal, and it would put my mind at ease if you would see someone about it."

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 20:54

Haffiana · 04/05/2022 20:40

"DP, I am becoming increasingly worried about the increasing frequency with which you state to me that you believe that you had a conversation with me that simply did not happen. I am really concerned about this and the implications it has for your health. Can I please suggest that you make a GP appointment and get this checked out? It may just be work-related stress or something, but I don't think it is normal, and it would put my mind at ease if you would see someone about it."

This is game playing. OP isn't feeling worried about DP's mental health.

Game playing is never a good idea.

Sunnygirl1 · 04/05/2022 21:03

If this was happening in our family, I would ask my husband to massage me important things on a phone messenger or private message FB messenger to make sure he's told me, and then we'll read those messages together and check who is right :).

billy1966 · 04/05/2022 21:11

I too believe you are being deliberately undermined.

It is insidious and damaging to your MH.

You are aware that things are being done to destabilise you and confuse you, quietly.

Now you know and have joined the dots, actively protect yourself.

This is abusive and about controlling you.

Take is very, very, seriously.

Original poster
notanelephant · 04/05/2022 21:42

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 20:16

Sorry for the derail, OP.

Have you told your partner how much this issue is bothering you? If so, how did they respond? If not, what stops you?

The main argument has come from them telling me how much it bothers them. As in they said I say they haven't told me when they know they have.

I in return have said I think it's probably a joint issue, sometimes I forget and sometimes they haven't told me. Not always me. And that it bothers me that they are so adamant they are right and I am wrong when it could just as equally be the other way round. And nothing...

OP posts:
Original poster
notanelephant · 04/05/2022 21:46

Sunnygirl1 · 04/05/2022 21:03

If this was happening in our family, I would ask my husband to massage me important things on a phone messenger or private message FB messenger to make sure he's told me, and then we'll read those messages together and check who is right :).

I would like to do this, as I do believe they would be proved wrong on at least some if not 50% of occasions, and I'm ok with being wrong and forgetting. And if I genuinely am forgetting every time I would also want to know so I can get help!!

But I think the problem is it isn't always what would be classed as 'important' info; it could be anything, that happens to come up in conversation at another point.

An example (kind of as I can't give exact details as it's too outing) was today they said 'ahh this person was what I thought they were' after confirming a fact about someone they suspected. I remember the conversation about this person and what they did; but don't remember them mentioning they thought this about them. I know they also spoke to at least 4/5 different people about this event. But they are convinced they said to me they thought this person was something and now have it confirmed. I am pretty sure they never mentioned that specific bit, I remember the rest of it though.

OP posts:
Original poster
notanelephant · 04/05/2022 21:47

billy1966 · 04/05/2022 21:11

I too believe you are being deliberately undermined.

It is insidious and damaging to your MH.

You are aware that things are being done to destabilise you and confuse you, quietly.

Now you know and have joined the dots, actively protect yourself.

This is abusive and about controlling you.

Take is very, very, seriously.

I do think I am and will be taking active steps to protect myself and my mental health as it's becoming more blindingly obvious

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 21:51

It doesn't look good because neither of you is approaching it from a problem solving perspective. It's all about who's right and who's wrong. Regardless of the issue, that's a problem in itself, and likely to be pervasive in the relationship?

Original poster
notanelephant · 04/05/2022 22:09

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 21:51

It doesn't look good because neither of you is approaching it from a problem solving perspective. It's all about who's right and who's wrong. Regardless of the issue, that's a problem in itself, and likely to be pervasive in the relationship?

Probably correct to a point, although I have asked for stuff to be put in writing if needed (message) if it's something that needs to be remembered or they think I'll forget. That hasn't happened consistently.

I honestly don't care if I'm wrong and I forget, my objection is more about being told I am ALWAYS the one in the wrong when their argument for why they know they are right is no different from mine about why they might not be! Basically my word vs theirs. And my issue with that is it's basically saying I'm reliable and my points are valid, you are unreliable and your points are not. Which when I come to think about it is probably an underlying issue as I am also often told what I am saying is 'pointless' or 'irrelevant' when to me it isn't. Not about this but other stuff too.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 22:18

Which when I come to think about it is probably an underlying issue as I am also often told what I am saying is 'pointless' or 'irrelevant' when to me it isn't

You've already decided to leave this person, haven't you? You know this is just disrespectful, for them to say this to you?