Prostitute

[childrensservant]

Ok. Here goes.
background - I have vaginitis for the last 20 yrs. I am overweight, have v low self esteem and have depression. Am also in middle of menopause.
we haven’t had sex or been intimate for several years. I know. Pretty crap right.
In the past I have suspected dh has had an affair, and visited a prostitute. I tried to talk to him but he accused me of being jealous and denied it all. Now I just found a weird text message, and I called the number which was a recorded message for “classy Rebecca”. He’d booked 1 hour with her a few weeks ago.
I have such low esteem, I don’t know how to broach this again. Or what to do.
please help me.

In the past I have suspected dh has had an affair, and visited a prostitute

Ew- he didn't visit a prostitute, he USED one.
Ew
Just sit him down and be factual. ' I found this message on my phone, please can you explain it'

However....
Have you thought seriously about what you would do if he admits to it?
Is it a deal-breaker? Your message seems to suggest that you feel it is understandable if he uses a prostitute; is that the case?

• on your phone

Don't say anything just yet. Nothing at all. Get all the evidence you can, then speak to a solicitor. I was in the exact same position. Eventually found evidence of 9 women he'd paid for, worked wonders in divorce proceedings

I'm sorry this has happened to you. What he has done is definitely not ok. I hope you can get some help

Go and get an STI test just to be sure he hasn't passed anything on. Just for peace of mind. Classy Rebecca might not be the first.

I'd gather evidence and then leave personally. What a prick.

This is not your fault. I doubt very much that Rebecca is at all 'classy'.

I suspect you won't need an STI check if you haven't been having sex - look at this as a plus.

Please use this as the wake up call that your post seems to imply you need.

Move onwards & upwards. No looking back.

OP, I don’t mean to be unkind, but you do not have a husband you have a housemate. I don’t know your situation other than you have stated in your post, but to not have any intimacy for several years is not normal at your age which I’m assuming is 45-55.

Do you think your marriage is the reason you suffer from low self-esteem? You cannot be happy caught up in a loveless marriage, and a fresh start might be just what you need. Are there children involved?

Thanks everyone.

I'm really scared about the future. Due to having been the primary carer for a special needs child (now 17 and doing well at the moment) my career is gone.
If we sold the house I'd only get £150k and we live in the SE. How do people manage when they divorce? we've been married 20yrs (Wed Ann tomorrow. ha bloody ha.) I'm 52 and a mess. I am financially dependant on dh.
I really don't know what to do.

He didn't visit her. He paid her for sex. He's not your husband- he's a seedy man you share a house with and can not even talk to. Your marriage is over OP

You need to see a solicitor. If your child has an EHCP that will go through until he is in his 20s, you may be entitled to live in the house for a number of years and to have more maintenance than you expect.

OP, you are entitled to half of all his assets and as you are the primary career you would most likely be entitled to more than 50% of the house. When my DM divorced she got the house and 75% of my dads pension in the settlement and he kept his investments and savings. If I was you, I’d get some initial advice from a solicitor and take it from there. Your DH is and has been using prostitutes, that should be game over.

*carer

What do you do? Get yourself financially stable. I faced the exact same prospect at 50, 2 years later I'm in a stable job, ok paying but with promotion prospects. I support my DC financially 100% on my own. And I did this after but getting a single penny I a settlement due to what my ex did.

You can do this. But, do it without saying why you're doing it. Get your ducks in a row first.

shit. I have to do this don't I.
Won't he just say it's my fault? That I pushed him into doing it? How do I defend that?

ClaryFairchild
Sorry to hear that. But also good to hear too iykwim.
Can I ask how much you saved up before you left?

He possibly will say it's your fault, but you know it isn't.

How do you feel about your marriage in general? Are you happy? Do you want a divorce?

This is your low self esteem talking.

Let me help, no you did not force him in to using a prostitute.

I am fairly certain you did not kidnap him, drive him to meet "classy Rebecca" slip him a Viagra and then man handle him like a puppet so he did a sexual act with "classy Rebecca"

He did all that himself.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. 💐

In pragmatic terms

your been sadly unable to have sex
hes gone elsewhere for it

with sexless marriages the advice tends to be generally to end the marriage and look
elsewhere
he hasn’t ended the marriage it would appear but has elected to get his needs met through a sex worker

but , the question for you is can you move past this or at least live with it whilst you line your ducks up?
can you sit down and talk about it ?

if I’m being honest I’d prefer a sex worker to an affair
it’s less of a betrayal

much depends on you , and your mental health and stability

starting over financially is always possible and it takes time

what would you ideally like to happen here ?

And let’s leave the sex worker out of it and her trading name
she’s not stealing anyone
she’s just doing a rather unpleasant job

ClaryFairchild

yes this

I feel v ashamed I live in a cold marriage. non of my friends know how bad it is.
Since caring for my autistic dc, I realise that I am probably autistic too. It would explain why I don't talk about stuff I really should.

An anonymous forum is a godsend.

It isn't your fault.

And even if someone does do something to push the other person to behave appallingly (which isn't the case here), that appalling behaviour is still a perfectly justifiable reason to end the relationship.

It's not a decision by committee - anyone can leave a relationship in which they aren't happy anymore. They don't need a reason that meets anyone else's approved threshold. And even if they did, this situation would do so!

If he was unhappy with your sex life, he should have grown the fuck up and left.

Not paid for access to a woman's body which in itself means he's a misogynist and entitled prick.

Do not stay with this man. You'll likely be entitled to more than you think as primary carer.

STI test.
Have an initial consultation with a good solicitor.
Tell close and trusted (ideally non shared) friends / family so you have support.

In that order IMO. ASAP.

Many of us would find it far worse he was such a misogynist he pays for sex with a woman and is happy to risk her being trafficked, abused, coerced etc. He cannot know for sure that she isn't.

I understand you feel differently but it makes him a certain type of man. One who believes men's right to sex is greater than women's right to safety and freely given consent.

Okay firstly, the women on here jumping to the assumption that “prostitutes” are dirty, and that you need an STI check are extremely narrow minded. If they are working professionally this is most probably false and I would not be worried about that OP. I have known many sex workers and they are hyper aware of their health and of their client’s health.

Secondly, you need to consider how important a purely sexual affair is to you? You say you haven’t had sex for several years and you’ve let yourself go etc not excusing his behaviour but he likely needed an outlet - he should have discussed this with you 100%. But the deceit was not emotional, he did not it appears have a prolonged affair with another woman and actually by choosing sex workers (as opposed to another relationship) and staying with you within your sexless marriage does that not show a level of care or love for you/his family? Particularly if it was a one off, is that worth the loss of 20 years of marriage. You need to talk to him and have more open communication with one and other.

Your marriage has been dead for a very long time. End it already.