Prostitute

[childrensservant]

Ok. Here goes.
background - I have vaginitis for the last 20 yrs. I am overweight, have v low self esteem and have depression. Am also in middle of menopause.
we haven’t had sex or been intimate for several years. I know. Pretty crap right.
In the past I have suspected dh has had an affair, and visited a prostitute. I tried to talk to him but he accused me of being jealous and denied it all. Now I just found a weird text message, and I called the number which was a recorded message for “classy Rebecca”. He’d booked 1 hour with her a few weeks ago.
I have such low esteem, I don’t know how to broach this again. Or what to do.
please help me.

I didn't suggest the STI check because he's having sex with prostitutes specifically , I suggested it because he's having sex with other people and it's very sensible to get checked out due to that no matter who those other people are.

LongLiveThyKing
Yes, this is exactly it. Should I just accept that he needs to do this? Should I leave and start again? He should have talked to me about this, absolutely.
But to leave and start again?? I honestly don't know right now. I don't even know how to talk to him about this.

That he 'needs' sex so much he's paying women for it when he has no way of knowing if they are trafficked, coerced or abused?

He is not a good man. He is not a man it's safe for you emotionally to stay in a relationship with.

I agree with Thisisworsethananticpated and LongLiveThyKing. Also not all prostitutes are trafficked, abused etc. There’s a lot of assumptions being made about Rebecca.

Being a mysogynist who thinks consent can be purchased is worse than an affair
he sees women as commodities to be bought
of course there no excuse for either . It was his responsibility to leave the marriage if he wanted sex with someone else
l

Not really the point as we don’t know and will never know if that’s the case for ‘classy Rebecca and the point is he has no way of knowing either and is happy to treat women as commodities to be purchased
true consent comes without payment !

OK so say 50% are. You're fine with that risk? 20%? What's the proportion of raped, trafficked, abused, prostituted women being sexually assaulted every day multiple times you're happy to accept?

Because for me it's certainly less than exists in the real world.

20 years married... and vaginitis for 20 years - I'd be thinking he gave you an infection that caused it by having sex with prostitutes!

Have you been tested for stis before op? Or did you refuse as you didn't think they'd be a factor?

@Thisisworsethananticpated - how is abusing another woman more acceptable than having an affair?! Consent cannot be obtained by the exchange of money. The vast majority of prostitutes are incredibly vulnerable even trafficked and battered girls and women

I'm sorry op but when I say sti testing I mean for EVERYTHING inc hiv and hepatitis this is important for your health

@LongLiveThyKing it's not that prostitutes are "dirty" but they are by the nature of the "work" at high risk of catching sti's. In addition some are addicts and this can include iv drugs which are also high risk for certain infections - that is simply a fact

I have no issue with promiscuity I've had more than my share of sexual partners! (But in a totally consensual way for all involved) I recognise this puts me at higher risk for stis even though practising safer sex (no sex is totally safe not even non penetrative) and so I get tested regularly. It's simply the responsible thing to do for myself and those I have sex with.

But I'm also an ex hcp who has treated patients with hiv, hepatitis and untreated syphilis - it is NOT pleasant to suffer these conditions

There is still to date no cure for hiv or hepatitis though we're very close to a cure for hiv apparently, but the current treatments available have their own issues and don't work for everyone. These are life changing conditions

I recommend a full sti screening with any form of cheating where there is physical contact

But the deceit was not emotional

Nonsense! It's still cheating and it has clearly still hurt the op

does that not show a level of care or love for you/his family?

No quite the opposite - he took a course of action that at the very least if discovered would cause his family emotional pain and breakdown of the family, removing the stability his child with a disability needs, at worst potentially passing on a fatal infection to his wife and mother of his child, plus potentially participating and enabling abuse of the prostitute/s he has used.

This is not a good man, husband or father

It's a

Your fault? No, not at all.
Do you lie and betray your husband? Are you forced to go to another man and lie to your husband? I really doubt it.

There's many other things you can do that don't involve a vagina.

It isn't your fault. You don't deserve this, and he doesn't 'get' to have another women because of your health issues.
It would be different if you had a respectful conversation about how to manage this, but you haven't. He just lied.

By the way- people who are single and who don't like hook ups manage their needs without going to a sex worker. Somehow their hands reach their nethers just fine. Unless your husband is a t-rex?

That's not the point we are making though - even if only 10% of prostitutes are abused / trafficked / coerced etc, he is willing to risk that she is one of them and pay to have sex with her.

The risk of that being true is likely higher but even if it was only 10% it would be a sign of his character that his desire to have sex was greater than his desire to not potentially contribute to the abuse of women.

He's free to leave his wife if he's not happy with their sex life. I wouldn't personally stay in a sexless marriage. I would break up. Not pay for access to another human's body while maintaining the other benefits of the marriage.

childrensservant

im also home with an asd son

I know only too well the toll it can take
worry
isolation
fatigue
the chasing of agencies
handling the meltdowns , refusal etc

maybe right now isn’t the right time to handle husband, this isn’t new or a surprise ?

maybe a better route is to focus on yourself a bit
start making small steps towards getting your life and employability back

I can’t see any conversations ending well
and a divorce will add stress you Maybe arnt ready for

leave him to it , and focus on yourself ?

Graphista

we have to agree to disagree here
which is permissible i believe ?

im ever pragmatic and don’t personally see sex work as always being evil and exploitative

life isn’t black and white and presumably he rationalises this as a way to get sex without breaking up the family

I’d also say that OP hadn’t been intimate for several years her sti risks are marginal !

OP is in a pickle and with a similar son I can imagine why

I say leave the husband and his activities be and get herself back to life a bit , then decide

@Thisisworsethananticpated

im ever pragmatic and don’t personally see sex work as always being evil and exploitative

We haven't said all women are being exploited. But men who pay for sex can't know which women are being abused, coerced, trafficked etc. And yet they're willing to run the risk the women they are paying is one of those ones.

Men like that cannot fundamentally respect women.

Don't talk to him about it.

Speak to solicitor, gather more evidence. It's going to be hard but you can do it!
If you stay in this marriage it will be getting worse for you, your confidence, your well-being.

But no one said all women in the sex industry are exploited . They acknowledged that it is an issue with quite a few women in the sex industry and he has no way of knowing if he is USING one of those women

’Research has shown that, regardless of why a person is involved in prostitution, there are frequently substantial intersections between that person’s involvement in prostitution and sexual violence throughout the life span:
• Child sexual abuse
• Sexual abuse by people who have sold them (pimps)
• Sexual abuse by people who have purchased them (johns) • Sexual abuse by people in authority’

• The Intersection Between Prostitution and Sexual Violence

It’s strange that you find it a acceptable for men to consume women that way . that’s not pragmatic , it’s completely ignoring or not caring about the reality of the sex industry
Are you a man or woman btw

Sorry you find yourself in this horrible situation @childrensservant
I'd say that there's a fairly high chance he will try to apportion blame onto you. He could say that he 'needed' sex or 'wanted' sex. Which is an indirect way of apportioning blame onto you in order to make himself feel less guilty.

You defend yourself by simply stating that he had the option of talking to you about it first.

Why the need to quote the word 'prostitutes'?!

Loveisallweneed

OP has vaginas should that not have informed you whether they are man or woman?

Vaginitis sorry, predictive text

What do you WANT to do OP?
It does sound like your husband isn't being faithful, maybe for the first or 100th time.
How many times is too many? Only you can decide.
You come across as worn down and despondent.
Have a spoken to your GP about your mood? Sometimes when our mood improves it helps to make the difficult decisions manageable.
There is a world out there waiting for you 💐

Hang on ? Did you mean to say the OP has vaginitis ?
i wasn’t asking the op whether she was a man or women , obviously I see she’s a woman
I was asking @Thisisworsethananticpated And the only reason I asked is because I find it surprising that a woman would be ok with a man supporting the sex industry and using prostitutes , saying it’s not black and white

OP my heart goes out to you but it’s crucial you know it’s not you to blame . He made the choices he did .

OP yes I think you should leave. You sound like you will have sufficient assets to put a roof over your head. I don't know about keeping the house and maintenance etc as PPs mention but at the very least you will not be destitute and will not have this hanging over and damaging your self esteem at least. You have previous work experience which should help you get a job, even if not at the level of your last one.

Re his anticipated argument that you drove him to this. Well no, you didn't. Ok, you unfortunately can't have sex but that didn't drive him to deceiving you. In fact, you asked him about this previously and he denied it. He could have said 'yes, I'm afraid I can't live in a sexless marriage forever. I propose periodic appointments with a SW or us ending the marriage'. Not saying it would have been a nice conversation but it would have been an honest one.

Loveisallweneed

im female

ive also worked in the sex work sector for a period If time , but not having intercourse to be fair

I also know that women and gay men also use sex workers - with men

i totally acknowledge it’s a risky and fraught sector in the majority

but for some people it’s what they do and it serves them for a period of time

and I also think this omnipresent debate is not really relevant for what op is facing

so let’s park it
I’m not going to change my views

I agree with the ethical points about the sex industry and men who pay for sex btw.