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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I stay or go?

53 replies

Delilah7 · 03/05/2022 19:03

Hi ladies. This is very surreal as the last time I posted on here I miscarried, and then conceived my wonderful baby boy.
Me and boyfriend have been together 5 years. Nearly 3 of those years our little boys been around :)
I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore and tbh I feel he's the same.
Bit of background he's 8 years older than me, extremely money orientated and quite cold.
When we first met I was attracted to his ambition and what he had accomplished but since then I've realised I'm never going to be his equal. I'm not on the mortgage, which if I'm honest I understand as when we first moved in here we didn't know we would have a baby so soon after and I didn't have any money to put down for a deposit. However, with talks of a new house if I put £20k down I only get a percentage.... he's also constantly telling me I'm stupid if I have an accident in the house, for explain I broke a kitchen tile when a massive vase came crashing down on me, he told me I'd have to save for it and pay for the whole floor. He never tells me I'm pretty, if we argue I'm crazy and he never says sorry first. Everything is all about what he's being doing, what he wants. What he wants to achieve. He also involves his mum in everything, she knows about stuff before I do and I'm the mother of his child... But I'm not sure I can be apart from my child and share him. My mother in law is also a force to be reckoned with so I feel it would be extremely hard for me to get a good co parenting relationship going. There's lots more I could add and go into detail about but if I'm honest i just don't think I'll ever be enough, no matter what I do!

OP posts:
Original poster
Delilah7 · 03/05/2022 19:07

Should I say never says sorry at all!! **

OP posts:
seensome · 03/05/2022 19:11

I would definitely keep your money and invest it in your own property. He isn't treating you as his equal. As for co-parenting, you will still have the majority of the time with him.

Callingallskeletons · 03/05/2022 19:14

Oh OP I’m sorry but that sounds terrible, you definitely don’t sound happy and he sounds like he sees you more as a lodger than an equal

Original poster
Delilah7 · 03/05/2022 19:15

@seensome the percentage is going to be like 2% of a 500k house when we buy it!! I just find that ridiculous for someone who's his child's mother. He's an amazing dad I won't dispute that. However, He doesn't give me any money for our boy, doesn't put anything away for him, I have to ask him for money for birthday and Christmas presents otherwise I buy it all and get so far into an overdraft! He constantly tells me I have issues and I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to be loved. We aren't ever intimate. Hardly ever kiss or cuddle. And I feel we are both here for our boy, that's it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delilah7 · 03/05/2022 19:16

@Callingallskeletons I wish I could say that's the first time I've ever heard the lodger comment, but some of my family have mentioned that 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Delilah7 · 03/05/2022 19:18

I also wanted to ask is it normal if you have an agreement for him to pay £100 a month towards the car, for him to then not give it to me if he has to pay for 'heating oil' or he's had a 'hard month'. He earns 4600 a month to my 1220 a month!!!

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 03/05/2022 19:19

I know a woman like that, but luckily they got married so she's got some financial protection. With 4 DC, she needs it.

Original poster
Delilah7 · 03/05/2022 19:19

@Dillydollydingdong funnily enough he doesn't agree with engagement or being married. Fml.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/05/2022 19:22

If you have to post on the internet to find out if your relationship is worthwhile then a) your relationship isn't worthwhile and b) you need to have a look at your methods for assessing where to set your bar.

Watchkeys · 03/05/2022 19:22

Delilah7 · 03/05/2022 19:18

I also wanted to ask is it normal if you have an agreement for him to pay £100 a month towards the car, for him to then not give it to me if he has to pay for 'heating oil' or he's had a 'hard month'. He earns 4600 a month to my 1220 a month!!!

Why does what's 'normal' matter? Does the set up make you happy?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 03/05/2022 19:24

Leave. You're in a financially abusive relationship. You're the housekeeper and nanny he has sex with. Youre someone to bully. You're not his partner in an equal relationship.

In what way is he an amazing dad? He doesn't pay for his child, he only contributes to Christmas and birthdays if you ask. That's not amazing.

Best of luck.

Original poster
Delilah7 · 03/05/2022 19:26

@Watchkeys that is very true.. and a good point. And the normal I guess I'm trying to find a way to stay or humanise stuff he does.

@DisplayPurposesOnly we don't have sex so I don't get anything nice out of it really! He's very attentive and loving towards our boy. But I agree, the rest... isn't right. 😔

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/05/2022 19:33

I guess I'm trying to find a way to stay or humanise stuff he does

You're having to try to humanise what he does. As soon as this comes up, you must be able to see that your default interpretation of his behaviour is that it's alien? You could be with someone who does things like you do them, you know? Not 'normal', not 'alien', but 'similar to you'.

Original poster
Delilah7 · 03/05/2022 19:36

@Watchkeys most definitely see it's alien - I just think like you've said I've now wired myself abit differently, this isn't a normal relationship for me, it's never been all about money, or that I'm never equal to someone else... whatever I do won't ever be enough.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/05/2022 19:45

He is financially abusive if he is refusing to contribute towards his son, and a shit father to boot.

Can you move home?

If you can, pack your bags and move out.

Tell him NOTHING.

Your "relationship" is awful.

Get yourself and your child away from this awful man.

Original poster
Delilah7 · 03/05/2022 19:46

@billy1966 his response would be to that but I provide for you, you have a roof over your head, water, heat etc. am I just being so naive and been manipulated I can't see how he's a bad dad?!
I can move home, and I have a good support system if need too. They're all aware of this and his ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delilah7 · 08/05/2022 16:12

So we have since had a conversation - and both said we aren't in love with each other and are pretty much with each other for our children. However there has been a discussion where if we put in effort and went on more date nights if it would help. From other peoples perspective can you ever get the love back???

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/05/2022 16:12

Thank goodness you have family support.

This relationship is dead and highly abusive.

Pack your bags and get the hell out.

Do not buy another house.

Do you want that gorgeous son of yours growing up hearing his mother called stupid etc.?

This will destroy your childs life growing up in this environment.

Get organised and get out.

Tell HIM nothing.

Tell your family the truth.

Tell your GP the truth.

You are so lucky that you have a family who will help and most likely know he is scum.

Be brave, get out and give yourself and your son the future you both deserve.

Leave him and his abuse to his mother.

Original poster
Delilah7 · 08/05/2022 16:13

@billy1966
I'm seemingly starting to think me trying to fix this way a bad idea 😩. I'm doing this for my son but deep down I know it's dead as per my post above yours.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/05/2022 16:18

You are flogging a dead horse.

Date night isn't going to fix this.

How many children do you have?

I read one 3 year old?

Original poster
Delilah7 · 08/05/2022 16:18

@billy1966 yeah just one darling boy.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/05/2022 16:23

One child.

Date night is not going to fix a mean abusive man.

He pays nothing towards his son and treats you badly.

Is this really the life you want?
A dead relationship with a pig?

You need to leave this relationship because he is abusive.

Tell your GP of his abuse so you have a record.

Pack up your bits an move out when he is at work.

Go home and tell him that you left because of abuse and his refusal to contribute to his son financially.

Tell your GP.
Ring Women's aid for good advice.

billy1966 · 08/05/2022 16:24

How far away are your family?

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 16:30

Delilah7 · 08/05/2022 16:12

So we have since had a conversation - and both said we aren't in love with each other and are pretty much with each other for our children. However there has been a discussion where if we put in effort and went on more date nights if it would help. From other peoples perspective can you ever get the love back???

It's not about getting love back. He has absolutely no respect for you. Are you going to get that back? Did it ever exist?

Original poster
Delilah7 · 08/05/2022 16:52

@billy1966 thanks, I appreciate it. Even though it's hard to hear sometimes what I already knew! They're literally 5 mins up the round.

@girlmom21 oh my lord I completely agree that I don't think he ever respected me, even when I was pregnant and am now the mother of his child. There's no respect I so see that 😔 and I feel I'm settling for my son.

OP posts: