Should I stay or go?

[Delilah7]

Hi ladies. This is very surreal as the last time I posted on here I miscarried, and then conceived my wonderful baby boy.
Me and boyfriend have been together 5 years. Nearly 3 of those years our little boys been around :)
I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore and tbh I feel he's the same.
Bit of background he's 8 years older than me, extremely money orientated and quite cold.
When we first met I was attracted to his ambition and what he had accomplished but since then I've realised I'm never going to be his equal. I'm not on the mortgage, which if I'm honest I understand as when we first moved in here we didn't know we would have a baby so soon after and I didn't have any money to put down for a deposit. However, with talks of a new house if I put £20k down I only get a percentage.... he's also constantly telling me I'm stupid if I have an accident in the house, for explain I broke a kitchen tile when a massive vase came crashing down on me, he told me I'd have to save for it and pay for the whole floor. He never tells me I'm pretty, if we argue I'm crazy and he never says sorry first. Everything is all about what he's being doing, what he wants. What he wants to achieve. He also involves his mum in everything, she knows about stuff before I do and I'm the mother of his child... But I'm not sure I can be apart from my child and share him. My mother in law is also a force to be reckoned with so I feel it would be extremely hard for me to get a good co parenting relationship going. There's lots more I could add and go into detail about but if I'm honest i just don't think I'll ever be enough, no matter what I do!

And then your son will grow up thinking he doesn't need to respect women. It's a vicious cycle. Do what's right for you and your lovely boy.

@girlmom21 and that is my main concern 😔

The important word here is 'boyfriend'.

Pick up your money and your child and leave.

@StopStartStop boyfriend, as in not really much commitment?

I think your gut is screaming at you to go.

Your darling boy deserves to grow up and witness his mother respected.

You don't have this and appear to never had.

Do not fxxk up your life for years getting financially entangled with a pig.

Pack your bags and get a good solicitor.

You can co parent but don't be bullied by him.

Keep telling everyone how despite earning multiples of your salary he refused to pay for a single item for his child.

He is a mean waster.

You both deserve better.

Boyfriend as in you don't need to get a divorce!

Do it while your boy is so little, it makes it easier on him.
Right now you might be attached to the ‘family dream’ but it’s never going to happen with this loser.
The sooner you ditch him the better. Move on, it can only get better than what you (don’t)have now.

@billy1966 I appreciate the honesty and support... my gut is telling me to leave you're right.

@StopStartStop that is true. Luckily he's against all that engagement and marriage so that's made it easier!

@PerseverancePays I worry about my boy, he's got possible learning delays/difficulties and I worry how would another person other than me or his father deal with that. I don't wanna be unhappy and I don't want my boy to see that.

I would say cross those bridges when you come to them. It can take ages to start dating again, and more ages before you introduce them, and more ages to see what they’re like around small children…
You have enough to think about for now: moving out, new place to live, child care, assessments for your boy, more than enough to be getting on with. How someone else is around your child is years away, ending your abusive relationship is for now.
Decide what is one small step that would move you forward, and do that. Then the next one. Like contractions; one at a time and moving forward.

@PerseverancePays thank you. I'm such a planner and over thinker so I'm already thinking of things like that!

I so hope a plan is coming together for you.🌸

I don't think I've ever seen a thread on here with the title should I stay or go where the answer is that you should stay. He is cold and mercenary. Why would you stay?

@billy1966 it's coming along.

@HollowTalk it was just a title, didn't really know what else to put for it. And the reason I thought to stay was my child.

"He's an amazing dad I won't dispute that. However, He doesn't give me any money for our boy, doesn't put anything away for him, I have to ask him for money for birthday and Christmas presents otherwise I buy it all and get so far into an overdraft!"

OP how is he an amazing dad??

Just a general comment because I genuinely don't understand this....I see this ALL the time on here.... it's like women feel obliged to say their partner is "a great/amazing dad"... but every example they give of his behaviour explicitly contradicts that.... but it's such a pattern i wonder what it's about? Does it mean he tolerates his child being around and occasionally plays with them? Cos that would make him a passable uncle and far from a good dad.

Glad to hear it OP.

@Manova14 me too!

I now associate the term "amazing dad" because of MN, with being an absolute Class A prick of a husband.

The idea that a man can be a wonderful father while simultaneously treating his childrens mother's badly, is plain mad.

He CAN treat the children better than their mother, but it does not make him a good father ever, IMO.

Delilah,

re your comment
"He's an amazing dad I won't dispute that. However, He doesn't give me any money for our boy, doesn't put anything away for him, I have to ask him for money for birthday and Christmas presents otherwise I buy it all and get so far into an overdraft!"

So he is not an amazing dad then.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. It goes without saying that you need to exit this relationship with him as soon as possible. Thankfully you have family support; use their help to get you and your son well away from your abuser and his mother.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
How is it you and he got together in the first place; I am wondering if you were deliberately targeted by him. Your boundaries are way too low (in that you were initially attracted to his ambition and what he had achieved) and that also likely gave him an "in". He's always had way more power and control in this relationship whilst you've really had none.

Never settle in a relationship nor stay for the sake of the child, doing both in your particular case would ruin your son's life too as well as your own. You need to rebuild your life from the ground up with support. I would suggest you get counselling too because your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by previous poor relationship experience and or abuse, have been further messed with by this individual now. The Freedom Programme would be of great use to you going forward.

@Manova14

He's extremely loving to him and gives him a lot of attention.. but the other things I've wrote I can see now are concerning and aren't exactly 'great dad' behaviour.

@billy1966 hit it on the head, I can see how loving and caring he can be with our child yet not me.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Your defo right there with the I wrote that due to there isn't really any other positives other than stuff that involve money, like he's good with money etc. i couldn't compliment him about much else. I was around my mum & dads relationship which is very healthy and the same with siblings. However I didn't have great relationships with ex partners, always being put second best, always thought I had to change or nothing I was doing it enough. I mean, we met through a friend and it went from there.. my boundaries are defo low, I am aware of this and it sucks 😩totally agree. I've never had power... not even when pregnant. I am in CBT counselling at the moment. Trying to do the best and get myself better for myself and my son. Oh

Knowledge is power.

The fact that you can see this in your posts is brilliant.

Be proud of yourself that you can see the issues here, clearly.

You can have a better life, away from him.

He is not a good man.

But you can co parent with him.

He is financially abusive, controlling and unkind.

These are the reasons that you are leaving.

Tell your family and move home.

Allow him to see his child as much as suits you.

He has refused to contribute towards his child so you do not accept any bullying from him.

You need to get away from him.

This is a miserable life for you and no example of a relationship for your son.

Pleased tell your family.

"However I didn't have great relationships with ex partners, always being put second best, always thought I had to change or nothing I was doing it enough".

Do read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood as well as considering seeing a counsellor on your own. You need to unlearn all the crap about relationships that your ex's taught you because its rubbish and harmful. Its also played a part in you at all being with your abuser now.

How are you finding CBT?. Do you feel it is helpful?. I would consider contacting Womens Aid and enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme either online or preferably in person.

Don’t put any money in to a relationship where you have absolutely zero rights to anything

@billy1966 my family are aware of it all, I appreciate the honesty and support here. :) thank you.

@AttilaTheMeerkat women who love too much sounds exactly like how I am... CBT is defo helpful, she's good with everything in my life that's how I learnt even more what is wrong in my relationship.

@MzHz I won't, thank you.