About to get married, but people acting like I should leave

[wildharts]

Why do people act like leaving is the better option when it isn't? I'm with my long term partner, been together since I was 26, he's 14 years older. We have kids, a mortgage, a happy life. We are getting married later this year. I'm happy.

But the comments about what about when I'm 55 and he's nearly 70. What about if I end up a carer for 20 years. What about men my own age? Am I sure I want to marry him?

None of these things occurred to me at 26. I didn't actually think we'd end up where we have, we just worked and kept on working for many years. I'm no spring chicken anymore either! But it just fills me with anxiety now. Maybe wedding jitters.

The thing is what can I do, I can't make him younger. If I walk away, I mean could I really walk away from my fiancé, father of my kids, who I genuinely love and am happy with, leave my lovely house, move back in with my parents, only see my kids half the time? For what? Incase I meet someone younger? What if I don't love them like I love him? What if we aren't as happy? It seems idiotic, and I'm not actually considering it, I'm obviously going to stay - but then what does happen when I'm 55 and he's nearly 70? What if I do regret it then?

I feel like a wreck! I know how silly it sounds as he's always been older than me, but until I had these comments and read some precious mumsnet threads about it I hadn't ever really thought about it like that. I had obviously thought about him dying before me and how sad that was but I was thinking well we could have a good 40-50 years until that happens!

The time to have raised those concerns was when you were 26. If you're happy, go for it. There are no guarantees in life. You could be with a man the same age who drops dead tomorrow

Have a lovely wedding - and a long and happy marriage

My uncle ran a marathon at 70. You need to tell those people that you love your OH and you don't care, they sound like miserable people trying to ruin your happiness - don't bother inviting them to the wedding.

Have a wonderful day and don't give them a second thought - do not let them ruin your happiness.

Seems absolutely ideal that you marry.

If you do and he does drop dead (sorry to be blunt) you will gain his pension and have inheritance rights - no IHT and a right to the other half of your property.

Not marrying and ending up his carer would be insane that I agree!

You're letting other people get in your head OP, none of us know what the future holds and you're happy now, that's what matters. I would have a stock answer for the naysayers, something like 'well that's for me to worry about, and I'm not' and change the subject, it's none of their business.

You don't sound like you have doubts about getting married other than the ones other people are planting in your head so you need to remind them that you know your own mind and are perfectly capable of making the right decision for you without their input.

I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 38. Sixteen years difference between us. We are ABSOLUTELY happy and even though he is 60 next year, and I'm 44, age isn't a problem between us. He has signed health issues that are under control with medication but you know what? So do I. I'm worse than him and that only happened to me 8 years ago. He fully supports me now as I'm disabled due to several auto immune diseases. He works full time hours, still helps with our teen agers and our grand child. He's still active and we are deeply in love. We both know he could die before me but wet both know that accidents happen and he could be left without me too.

Please don't let anybody else run your relationship. Everybody said that he and I wouldn't last but on the contrary, we are deliriously happy and very much still in love. And wet have outlasted lots of other relationships that scorned us abs said it wouldn't last.

@wildharts you could drop dead tomorrow. No saying he'll go first.
Tell everyone to shut up.

My MIL was 20 years younger than my FIL. He's gone now and she has years of life ahead, but they were very happy and I know she wouldn't have missed her life with him for the world.

Actually its very sensible to marry if hes older? To secure your home and his pensions?

Are these people 100% sure that they won't become carers/bereaved themselves? Age difference isn't the only thing that creates ill health. Do their partners smoke? Drink? Are they overweight? Unless they're all with Olympic adonises ('Adoni'??) they've little room to talk.

Of course I know I could lose him earlier in life. Both my grandmothers were widowed by 50 with same age partners, and though they both miss them they've gone to enjoy a different sort of life and do things they wouldn't of otherwise. It never felt like the end of the world. The thought of being a depressed full time carer for decades with no life of my own sounds fucking horrifying though!

I do agree though, tomorrow is promised to no one and being happy today is all we have. It's just horrible to suddenly see all these things I hadn't considered pointed out to me. I suppose it's a good thing I didn't hear them when we first met, or I wouldn't have my beautiful children!

I'm 35. My partner is 56. We got together when I was 20 and him 40 ish.

I've posted on age threads before.

I made my peace with the age difference when I was younger and knew if we stayed together I'll always love him. 16 years on and we love each other very much.

Do you think you made your peace or is this other's words getting to you?

Does he know you have these concerns? If I was him, I wouldn't be happy to be with a younger partner who was so horrified by the potential consequences of being with me.

My grandparents were fit, healthy and active well into their 90s. My parents both died young. There are no guarantees in life. Live for the moment and choose your happiness for now, not what might be.

Take no notice. 15 years isn't a huge age gap. He might need caring for in later years, but so might you.

For better, for worse,
In sickness and in health

Marriage is meant to be a life long mutual commitment to one another. I too, would hate to be a full time carer for twenty years but if my husband has a twenty year debilitating illness in his future then I would want to do all I can to help him and make good moments among the hard times because I love him.

No one has any guarantees for what the future might hold. But marriage is about facing the unknown together.

Frankly it’s too late really. If it bothered you that much you wouldn’t have got together in the first place. I was quite hard headed when dating in my late twenties though.

Some of these responses are very linear and dont really recognise the risk of their partner getting immobile or dementia no matter what the age. You could have a partner your own age and they become ill or have an accident and you end up being their carer even if the two of you are the same age

OP, old age does not necessarily mean your DP will need a carer. Many people can be healthy into their 80s and even their 90s.

I'm a great believer in taking things as they come and enjoying the moment. You sound like you have a lovely life with a man you love. Enjoy it, what will be will be. I was eight years older than my DP when he died of lung cancer at age 50 and I think that has changed my mindset dramatically.

You can worry about the future but your worrying will make no difference to what is going to happen. As you say, even if you left your DP, who's to say you would meet anyone else. I understand why this might be a worry but even where a couple are a similar age one could become a carer because of accident or illness at any age. Why risk making yourself, your DP and your children miserable because of some potential future situation which may not even happen.

How long have you been together op ?

8 years.

His age could be one of the main reasons you've been so happy together- maturity etc.

So you’re 34 and 48?

My sister is married to a man 15 years older!
She was 26 too and he was 40-41. He is 64 and retired and my sister is 50. They are all good but I think it helps that they are quite affluent so she is giving up work in a couple of years so they can retire together!
My friend is also married to a man 28 years older and been married 18 years. They are super happy. X

We are lucky enough that he is going to retire a few years late and I'm going to retire 9/10 years early so we are somewhat meeting in the 'middle' and have had financial plans in place for around 5 years already so all being well health wise it won't be a huge issue from a retirement point of view - I'm just hoping we can travel and do stuff during some of it!

Quite honestly I don’t think a 14 year difference is anything to worry about.
My Dh is 13 years older than me and I’ve been in hospital for various things over the last 10 years but he’s never been to the GP for years and I would say he’s as fit, if not fitter than me.
Who are these people telling you to leave your partner?
They need to keep their noses out!