About to get married, but people acting like I should leave

[wildharts]

Why do people act like leaving is the better option when it isn't? I'm with my long term partner, been together since I was 26, he's 14 years older. We have kids, a mortgage, a happy life. We are getting married later this year. I'm happy.

But the comments about what about when I'm 55 and he's nearly 70. What about if I end up a carer for 20 years. What about men my own age? Am I sure I want to marry him?

None of these things occurred to me at 26. I didn't actually think we'd end up where we have, we just worked and kept on working for many years. I'm no spring chicken anymore either! But it just fills me with anxiety now. Maybe wedding jitters.

The thing is what can I do, I can't make him younger. If I walk away, I mean could I really walk away from my fiancé, father of my kids, who I genuinely love and am happy with, leave my lovely house, move back in with my parents, only see my kids half the time? For what? Incase I meet someone younger? What if I don't love them like I love him? What if we aren't as happy? It seems idiotic, and I'm not actually considering it, I'm obviously going to stay - but then what does happen when I'm 55 and he's nearly 70? What if I do regret it then?

I feel like a wreck! I know how silly it sounds as he's always been older than me, but until I had these comments and read some precious mumsnet threads about it I hadn't ever really thought about it like that. I had obviously thought about him dying before me and how sad that was but I was thinking well we could have a good 40-50 years until that happens!

DH is 10 years old and nobody bats an eye!

I don't know @Feckingfeck that sounds more than a bit dodgy to me😁

Well this far into the relationship these comments are just plain rude from anyone other than maybe mum and dad. Him being older doesn't equal him becoming a burden and it could just as easily be you. None of us know what's around the corner healthiness. The only thing you should consider is financial planning and that goes for any age couple. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, have a great day x

Ahhh health wise

Errr... @Feckingfeck I'm batting an eyelid at your 10 year old DH 😛

OP, I see where they are coming from slightly, but it's too late to say it now! The time was when you first got together, not now.

My mum was married to a man 10 years younger than her. She died when she was 53 leaving him a 43 year old widower. He died 7 years later when he was 50!

These things are all so bloody random that you cannot live your life considering all the what ifs.

You take each day or situation as it comes. You have to live the life you have!

And if one of you need carers later on, and it could be you needing them first, well you deal with that then. But I will say you personally wouldn't have to be his carer. I pay for care as I have no significant other. You and your future husband can do the same.

Ignore the naysayers and live the life you have. Marry the man you love, the father of your children, the man you already share your life with and tell anyone who disagrees with you to get to fuck!

I really feel for you OP, the shock of finding out someone isn't at all what you thought is so awful. I couldn't stand still or even force a tea down me for hours at one po

my great aunt was 10 years older than her husband.
It caused quite a scandal at the time (because the woman wa solder I think)
They were together until she died in her 80s.
About 50 years together.

They were one of the happiest and kindest marriages that I know.

Of course you should talk about it, and of course you should be realistic about it all, but in the end, if you are genuinely happy 14 years difference isn't going to matter.
As other have said, one of you could go at anytime, from anything.

I'm not a fan of age gap relationships but the ship has sailed, nearly a decade after you got together and post kids.

If you're happy and the only objection people have is your age difference then they can get stuffed.

OP, there are 12 years between my boyfriend and I (I'm 46 and he's 58) and we've only been together a matter of months rather than years.

We love each other and whatever the future holds, I wouldn't give up this experience of knowing him and loving him for something as unimportant as a few years age difference.

We've already addressed the 'old age' issue. My feeling is that if, in 10/15 years time, he is showing signs of age that require more from me, by that point, I'll have made a commitment to him and our lives will be together. I'm the happiest I've ever been and I wouldn't let concerns about a hypothetical future tarnish that.

My DP is exactly 6 and a half years younger than me and he's a physical wreck. I'm 48, he's 41 and I'm on way better shape than him.

Younger does not necessarily mean fitter. I'm more likely to be his carer than the other way round 😂

My Dad was 12 years older than my Mum and they were happily married for 54 years before he passed away. Age is just a number, if you are happy, then go for it!!

If you have children, suggesting you separate just because of his age is odd. Is it possible there is something they want to say but aren’t saying and are just using the age as an excuse?

🤦‍♀️

When dyslexia is entertaining 😂

(Also provides my excuse)

You’re having a wobble, that’s fine and normal but do not allow it to dictate your decisions. You have a wonderful life with a lovely partner who you are committed to and who is committed to you. Yes he may experience health problems in later life, as we all may well do. Is it not better that you are healthy and able to manage physically when he experiences this? I would say yes. It doesn’t mean you have to do it all on your own without any external help. Set boundaries and talk to eachother about if it gets too much getting home help and carers to support. My DH is older and we have talked about this and discussed potential options - always hypothetical obviously but your DP will never be a burden

I'm 39 and DP of 20 plus years is 51. He is 11yrs older, our kids are at Uni and College now.

He is a lucky bastard to have me. I'm ace😜

Tomorrow is promised to no-one! Be happy today.

I think it probably it is jitters as you have obviously been together some time. Sometimes other people need to keep their opinions to themselves. My grandparents did have a 20 year age gap yes she did end up caring for him but he lived to his 80’s. But if you loved someone you could end up doing that at any age. Also it could be you who became poorly and it was the other way round. Enjoy married life!

Who are these people making comments? Have you actually asked for their opinions? If not, they sound like rude ducks and you can just ignore.

I'm having the exact same on the 40 year old man thread, belittling my relationship to nothing more than 'settling' based off an age gap. People are judgemental and rude.

Awe I just split from my ex. He was 48 and I'm 33. We didn't work out because he's a messed up abusive man. But!!!

If we had been happy and enjoying our relationship it would have been worth it. He's the man you love. Loads of people have ten year age gaps etc. That extra few years isn't worth loosing him. You sound happy. That's hard to find these days x