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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

About to get married, but people acting like I should leave

70 replies

wildharts · 03/05/2022 18:41

Why do people act like leaving is the better option when it isn't? I'm with my long term partner, been together since I was 26, he's 14 years older. We have kids, a mortgage, a happy life. We are getting married later this year. I'm happy.

But the comments about what about when I'm 55 and he's nearly 70. What about if I end up a carer for 20 years. What about men my own age? Am I sure I want to marry him?

None of these things occurred to me at 26. I didn't actually think we'd end up where we have, we just worked and kept on working for many years. I'm no spring chicken anymore either! But it just fills me with anxiety now. Maybe wedding jitters.

The thing is what can I do, I can't make him younger. If I walk away, I mean could I really walk away from my fiancé, father of my kids, who I genuinely love and am happy with, leave my lovely house, move back in with my parents, only see my kids half the time? For what? Incase I meet someone younger? What if I don't love them like I love him? What if we aren't as happy? It seems idiotic, and I'm not actually considering it, I'm obviously going to stay - but then what does happen when I'm 55 and he's nearly 70? What if I do regret it then?

I feel like a wreck! I know how silly it sounds as he's always been older than me, but until I had these comments and read some precious mumsnet threads about it I hadn't ever really thought about it like that. I had obviously thought about him dying before me and how sad that was but I was thinking well we could have a good 40-50 years until that happens!

OP posts:
Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 03/05/2022 20:10

It's it possible on here or your real life friend that are influencing you?

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 03/05/2022 20:11

Possible=people.

Onwards22 · 03/05/2022 20:33

I know someone who married someone 30 years older!

She was the babysitter at 17 and he was 47.

They’ve had an incredible relationship even though they had a hard time from all sides - her being the OW and her family thinking he’s too old.

He does now have early signs of dementia and he is old in his behaviour compared to her.
The have very young children and I do sometimes feel sorry for her.

But she’s also had an amazing marriage with him and I don’t think she would change anything if she went back in time.

Rafting2022 · 03/05/2022 20:48

He sounds creepy Onwards.

Onwards22 · 03/05/2022 21:15

He sounds creepy Onwards.

I personally don’t like him much. He’s lovely and never been anything but nice to me but I just get creepy vibes from him.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 03/05/2022 21:20

My FIL married a woman my age. They had a good relationship, one much loved child, and were very happy together until, after about 20 years, they were not.

She divorced him when she was about 50, but they stayed friends.

Many marriages don't last that long and don't end so amicably. I wouldn't listen to the negative Nellie's, they probably think they are being reasonable, but they aren't you!

MsTSwift · 03/05/2022 21:47

Sorry but judging the hell out of 17 and 47 Ewww.

PriestessofPing · 03/05/2022 21:56

Its very weird you are being told this now since you’ve been together so long and already have kids! Who exactly is saying this to you?

teacherorpreacher · 03/05/2022 21:59

Oh yes you are worried about the age gap now or you would not be bothered enough to make a thread about it

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/05/2022 22:22

Onwards22 · 03/05/2022 21:15

He sounds creepy Onwards.

I personally don’t like him much. He’s lovely and never been anything but nice to me but I just get creepy vibes from him.

Lovely 47 year old blokes don't shag 17 year old girls.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/05/2022 22:33

Some people are so fucking negative
I also wish you a long and happy marriage

Original poster
wildharts · 05/05/2022 08:19

I was 33 when he was 47 I don't know where this 17 figure has come from

OP posts:
Original poster
wildharts · 05/05/2022 08:19

Never mind I've just seen another poster is the one talking about a different couple sorry I misunderstood!

OP posts:
pointythings · 05/05/2022 09:30

My aunt married a man 25 years older than she was. My grandparents didn't speak to her for years.

They were the love of each other's lives, rised a family together and were happy. He died quite suddenly at 75 and she never looked at another man.

Don't give these people head space.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 09:32

wildharts · 05/05/2022 08:19

I was 33 when he was 47 I don't know where this 17 figure has come from

Don't worry it was regarding another poster who said they know a couple who got together when the girl was 17 and the guy was 47, but said he isn't a creepy guy. Which, if he was shagging a 17 year old at 47, he definitely was. It wasn't about you and your age.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 09:33

wildharts · 05/05/2022 08:19

Never mind I've just seen another poster is the one talking about a different couple sorry I misunderstood!

Sorry just saw this!

WTF475878237NC · 05/05/2022 09:40

It's only a problem if he is ready for "pipe and slippers" stereotype a decade earlier than you really and needs care or is controlling so you can't build a life separate to him whilst he stays home. If you look on the dementia board you'll see lots of posts from younger wives struggling with their husbands' condition, and children who still need them too but I don't know if they necessarily regret their lives, just circumstances.

Shgytfgtf111 · 05/05/2022 09:42

These people can mind their own business! I assume they have started mentioning it because you are due to get married but if you werent going to get married there is no difference in how you would view him so in your eyes you would still be together forever married or not.

Feckingfeck · 05/05/2022 09:44

Sorry OP

People making those comments are CFs....

CFs are going to CF

You do you 😊

Feckingfeck · 05/05/2022 09:45

WTF475878237NC · 05/05/2022 09:40

It's only a problem if he is ready for "pipe and slippers" stereotype a decade earlier than you really and needs care or is controlling so you can't build a life separate to him whilst he stays home. If you look on the dementia board you'll see lots of posts from younger wives struggling with their husbands' condition, and children who still need them too but I don't know if they necessarily regret their lives, just circumstances.

Just because he is older doesn't mean he is going to get dementia 🤔

DH is 10 years old and nobody bats an eye!

Mumofsons87 · 05/05/2022 09:53

My sister is 39 with two small children and is drying of brain cancer, her husband is her carer for the laat 18months and she only has a matter of weeks left.
We really don't know what the future holds. It would be madness to leave a happy relationship because of something that might never happen.
Enjoy every day you have together and be grateful that you have found true love that really is NOT easy to find. None of us are not promised tomorrow.

Tayegete · 05/05/2022 10:08

So sorry Mumofsons87. I agree life is short and no one knows what will happen. My best friend died at 44. If it feels right to you op go for it.

cookiemonster2468 · 05/05/2022 10:21

I think people get very hung up on numbers, but really life is always a game of chance anyway.

There is this strange fear about age 70. What is wrong with him being nearly 70? Or nearly 80, or any age? If you love him then you love him and you don't have to justify that.

I know it's a tricky one and I'm also in a relationship with a bit of an age gap, but I just think you have to see the bigger picture. Anything could happen to any of you at any time.

People marry people their own age who then get ill, die early, divorce, or whatever. There are literally no guarantees in life. You just have to enjoy what you have and it sounds like you have found a really special relationship there. Best of luck for your marriage and future together!

TheDogsMother · 05/05/2022 10:27

We are virtually your older age scenario (50s/70s) with a 13.5 year age difference. We've been together 15 years and married for 1.5 and couldn't be happier. Ignore these people and marry the man you love. There are really no guarantees in life

TheCatterall · 05/05/2022 10:29

My chap is 14 years older than me and is now 62. We’ve had in-depth talks about the what ifs around care etc need in the future as although not pleasant conversations they are important. My relationship with him has been one of my best, happiest and easiest and I wouldn’t change /swap him for the world.