I am so unhappy and I hate my life

[failing40s]

I know this is going to sound so self pitying and a whiney - but I hate my life.

My marriage is just awful - classic tale of years of resentment and feeling let down by my H building up but me not being a grown up and actually addressing it, plus a couple of incidents of H doing genuinely shitty things have destroyed all intimacy and trust in our relationship. We are seeing a therapist but I feel it's not going that well - it's very slow paced and the therapist seems to think we just need to be more 'curious' about each other🙄For some reason I can't reveal the really awful thing he did to me several years ago even though I know it's a huge part of the problem.

Essentially I want a divorce but I can't quite bring myself to say this out loud as I know it's not what my H wants. He wants us to stay together even though I am vile to him - which I hate myself for. If I start thinking about how it will impact on our lovely kids it's even worse. That said I spend ages planning how we could separate, what we'd need to do to sell our house, what kind of house I could buy, what my life might look like in the future without him.

The rest of my life also feels like a fuck up. I barely go out or see friends, the recent bank holiday weekends have underscored how little I have going on - I have spent almost all of them inside, in my bedroom like some sulky teenager scrolling on my phone. I know I could change this, I just have no motivation to do so.

My children are lovely but I barely spend any time with them. The older one is now, understandably, wanting to be with friends and the younger one is very close to my H and they have activities they do together.

Financially we have plenty coming in but lots of it services debts and the general cost of living means we have little left over.

I am starting to hate the work I used to love (and I'm self employed so am constantly terrified I won't have work and we won't cope financially).

I have gained a huge amount of weight in recent years, going from a very healthy BMI to just tipped into the obese category. I hate how I look now and I hate bumping into people for the first time in ages as I can see the look on their face.

I'm in a weird world where I feel like everyone constantly needs something from me but also like I have nothing to do or no purpose beyond constant trips to the supermarket and constant loads of laundry.

I know I should go back on my anti depressants but I felt like they just covered up some major problems and made me willing to gloss over them.

Sorry, I don't know what the point of this is. I'm just so miserable and I hate that my life has turned out this way, I don't recognise myself anymore.

for you OP.

You have a lot on your plate at the moment - would it help to unpick some of what you have (very eloquently) written on here?
How old are your DC?
Do you think there is any way back with your
H? On balance is it best to continue therapy and try and make things work, or best to separate? I'm sorry he has done something awful in the past - what do you think it is that makes you feel that you can't share this with your therapist? What do you think would happen if you did?
What used to make you happy / give you purpose?
Are there any friends or family that you feel totally comfortable around and it wouldn't be a huge pain to spend a bit of time with to lift your mood?
Sorry for all the questions, it's just that so much of your post resonates with me and I didn't want to read and run.

Just leave your husband - the rest of it rotates around that being your major problem. Its that simple. Leave, then things get better, for everyone.

I was in a similar situation 10 years ago. The thing that was the game changer for me was that I got weight loss surgery.

Once that weight was off, I felt better, less tired, more energy and more confidence. It gave me the confidence to leave my crappy husband and set out on my own.

Have a think about it. You could do that first, and then see what you want to do next.

I am in a similar boat, but not married so in a worse situation.

Im completely in the ‘Fuck it’ stage now, I joined a gym, decided to stay with him as it benefits my children and my life too, I’ve lost lots of weight, made some friends and joined a dating site behind his back to find a Fwb. Yes it’s all completely selfish and cuntish of me, but I’m sick of not having a life, not being desired and putting everything and everyone else in front of my want and needs for years on end with no happiness in it for me.

Might also be a mid life crisis…I don’t know, but I’ve gone from miserable to the best of both worlds and having it all. The risk is my partner might find out about the affair but I don’t even care, it’s worth it to me, I want to be happy.

Leave and start over! You shouldn't be this unhappy. Your dc will prefer 2 happy parents who live apart than 2 that are together but unhappy.
You sound completely miserable and stuck in a rut.
Try not to look at it all at once, small steps start to get to know yourself again and work at one thing at a time.

I agree with the PP who suggests starting with the weight loss. Make that your goal in life right now. There are different ways you can achieve this goal and it's about finding the activities which will give you back your confidence. Do you like team sports or more solo activities? Would you prefer a running group or a spin class?
When you're at your ideal weight then you can work on the other issues with more confidence (especially as exercise has a beneficial effect on mental clarity).

Thanks for the kind replies.

@tortiecat I've done loads of therapy on my own in the last 6 years or so and I still can't get to the bottom of the questions you pose about why I can't address this big issue (it was a type of non-violent sexual abuse the details are very outing) with him. Part of the problem is that I didn't really address it at the time it happened (several years ago now) and it feels too late. This is a pattern in our relationship - the really big issues don't get talked about. I feel like I can't hurt him, not because I'm so selfless and altruistic, but because I have hurt him in the past by breaking off the relationship when we were much, much younger and I don't want to be the bad guy. I see him as very fragile and I struggle to challenge him directly. But don't get me wrong, I am horrible to him. I know I am. I disgust myself.

Despite two therapists telling me what he did was sexual abuse (and I posted about it here some years ago and got the same response) I still don't know why I can't just say "You sexually abused me - admittedly it wasn't rape or violent, but it was sexual abuse - for at least 2 years. Over time this has destroyed our marriage. I want out."

Sometimes I think I should find a way to go back to just burying it all and being happy and make it work out. It feels like this is what everyone else wants - him, the kids (obviously and understandably), our friends and family. I feel like even the therapist wants us to stay together. And seeing as, for whatever reason I can't just leave him, perhaps this is what I should do.

Think of this thread as your first step to regaining control of your life. Then take it a step at a time.

You seem clear you don't want to stay in your marriage so you need to discuss with DH. If you cant make things work there's no point living together in misery. Not great for DCs either.

You sound very defeated but small starts will be empowering. If your therapist isn't working for you find another. Therapy is very personal and not one size fits all. And when you are happy with a therapist (perhaps individual therapy would be helpful too) speak up. Say what you are thinking - it will enable you to process where you've been and where you want to go.

I agree you are locked into a negative prison almost, and you are comfort eating to make up for the lack of emotional connection and love in your life. Everything is being tainted by the lack of hope.

Stop the counselling, get yourself organised and leave and free yourself. You can hardly feel any worse. Send a message to your friends and meet up and tell them why you haven't been around, tell them the truth and let them step up and help you and be there for you.

This is not going to get any better, and is likely to end in serious depression. Your body is trying to tell you this relationship/life no longer works for you.

Once you are set up and living separately you can start looking for a new job.
I really do feel you need to move to your next chapter, and the longer this takes the longer you will feel this level of unhappiness and 'dis ease' until you become very ill - and if that happens you may feel you can't leave even if you want to.

Go now whilst you can, you are young enough to start again!

That sounds really hard @failing40s. No judgment here: I am a smart woman with plenty of vocabulary available to me and yet the words die on my lips when I should speak to my H about certain things, and those things are nowhere near as grave as the abuse you refer to. Also whilst you feel your behaviour towards your H may not be acceptable, try to be kinder to yourself - long term resentment and buried pain is poisonous, and whilst it's not OK to behave badly, it's completely understandable in view of what you feel he has done to you and how you feel about it. It sounds trite but maybe, if you can be kinder to yourself in that respect, you might also be able to be kinder to others.

Some food for thought, perhaps - you have had an awful time of things, and things have spiralled downwards in several areas BUT you still have choices now. Only you can decide if you can live with this man or not. Not friends or family or randoms on Mumsnet or even your therapist - they don't have to live your life, so it's immaterial if they think you two should stay together or not, and they don't know everything anyway. Obviously I think that any form of abuse is completely unacceptable but I'm not a fan of shouting LTB on here because there are significant downsides to leaving for the vast majority of people, and they might feel that those outweigh staying. But I would say that if you do decide to stay, burying it is a bad idea because you will continue to feel awful and behave badly - so you have to find a way of addressing it somehow so as to free yourself. I'm not necessarily saying you have to talk about it with him if that is not possible, might your therapists have any idea how you could let things go without doing that? If you decide to leave, then you still need to be able to draw a line under it somehow. Also, if you decide to leave, then that is also OK and your kids will be OK.

I can sympathise totally as I'm stuck too.

Can I suggest starting with some self care? Start by doing something just for you - it can be anything. A walk, going swimming. Taking yourself off for the day and getting time to yourself. Believe you deserve to be happy, Then little steps, the weight loss, addressing your relationship.

It's so hard making that first move to tackle the difficult stuff but you can't stay with the person who abused you, it will just fester.

Hi OP,

You have so much to deal with. No wonder you feel overwhelmed. But from what you say, all of it is actually within your control. Everything you mention as a problem could be gone entirely or well on its way to being fixed within a year and some things within a few days.

Decide what you would prefer to face first - the little stuff, mid-range stuff or the elephant in the room of filing for divorce.
I was in a deep rut of almost identical issues but without the massive pressure of an unhappy marriage.

Starting with the small stuff is easiest and I recommend it. The best thing I did was to hire a personal trainer and start weight lifting three times a week. Invest some money in yourself. Within two weeks you start to feel stronger and more toned. It's way more than just a fitness plan. You feel stronger emotionally too. No idea why. And a lot less stressed. More in charge of your life and your impulses. Now would be a hard time to diet, when you are using up all your willpower elsewhere. But it takes no willpower to eat healthily. Make sure you have 8-10 portions of fruit and veg a day, 8 glasses of water etc. As you start to feel you are inhabiting your body again and respecting it, you will feel better.

Start building time in your life for fun. No one can thrive without it. Call old friends for walks and coffees. If you have really lost contact, just get involved with something that would genuinely add pleasure in your life - from choir to walking group, craft hobby or bootcamp.

Honestly, why have therapy if you don't raise the subject of the awful thing your DH did? Just speak about it, in a private session if you prefer (ie without DH there) and be honest with yourself and with him and the therapist that this is a stumbling block you can't see past and you'd like therapy to focus on a respectful and amicable divorce not staying together.

Others will be along with different advice, but those are the key ones in my opinion: care for your body, schedule fun and connection with others, face the real issues with the support of a therapist.

@failing40s

I almost stopped breathing when I read your OP as it is so so similar to my own situation (I almost wondered if it was my DH writing a strange reverse thread, which I suppose shows my levels of paranoia)

I would suggest individual therapy too, if you can afford it. It's far from the answer to all problems, but I find it helpful to just say certain things out loud.

If you aren't happy (and clearly you aren't), you need to do something about it. Life is short and you're wasting yours. I don't know how old you are but you need to build for the future, unless you want to carry on like this forever. It's no good living your life for the benefit of other people, in this case your dh. I have a policy of if I'm not happy, I sort it. Whether it's jobs, relationships or anything else. And I'm happy.

I really feel for you. You don't need to say those words to your H. You can just say you're no longer happy. You don't bring to bring up anything you're not comfortable discussing. You can just end it without a discussion.

im not trying to say it will be easy, but honestly, leaving him would probably make a world of difference to your mindset.

far more than losing a bit of weight!

Your therapist sounds shit.

And therapy can't change the fact that you simply don't want to be with your husband. You don't seem to like him and would rather hide in a room than be with him. It doesn't matter what he wants. Do what you want. And what you want is to get out.

Its admirable that you have identified your core issue though. And that is that you have major issues in your life, but lack motivation to address them. Maybe a counsellor for you? Maybe through finding a hobby you actually enjoy? I dunno. But there is a way.

Sounds to me like you just need to leave your husband and start over. I mean, what's the point carrying on as things are if you have the option to do something about it and potentially be very happy!

Sorry OP, just saw your second message that you have an individual therapy already.

I understand the feeling of paralysis. And the worry that the grass is not always greener, even if you could somehow find a way to leave.

I am 100% sure that if we didn't have children I wouldn't be in my marriage. Is it the same for you?

Thank you all again. I feel better just having posted on here.

@TrolleyBusLove I'm sorry you're in a similar place (I'm not your husband though I promise!!). Yes if it wasn't for the kids we probably wouldn't be together. Although maybe the resentment wouldn't be there either. I don't know.

Thank you for all the positive encouragement to get on a do some things for me. You have also helped me to see that there are positive things in my life - I just have to look past a lot of the crap.

It is true that getting out of the marriage would make a huge difference. I have already contacted our local Relate branch this morning to see if I can find a different therapist. I feel like we need a more goal-based or outcome based approach and I know that tends to be how Relate works. The current therapist is much slower paced. I'm probably frustrated with that because I've already spent ages doing my own 'navel gazing' and I'm now keen to find a way to split amicably and ideally find a way to remain as some kind of family, even if H and I are not a couple. Really H needs his own longer-term therapy.

I'm about to call the local gym and find out if they are doing their 3 month membership offer anytime soon too, and I am going to see if it's too late to change mind about a weekend with friends that I pulled out of because I felt too miserable.

The reason you feel better for having posted (and for having people listen) is that you don't listen to your own feelings.

I know this is going to sound so self pitying and a whiney - but

When you started your thread, the first thing you did was to excuse it, invalidate it.

Why do you need to be 'the good guy'? Where does that come from? Nobody is born like that; it's conditioning. What was your childhood like? Were your feelings listened to then? Did your parents set you an example of adults listening to/talking about/respecting feelings?

@Watchkeys through my own individual therapy I've explored this. Essentially as a child I was valued in our family dynamic for not making a fuss, in comparison to my sibling who was quite challenging.

On the face of it my parents were very open about feelings etc, however I have always innately found it hard to talk about my feelings (not sure I agree no one is born like that - I think personality does play a part). But it's true that I was raised to pay attention to and consider other people's feelings. How other people felt was definitely an important thing growing up.

How old are you OP? I'm not minimising any of what you say but so much of it sounds like peri menopause is also adding to your feelings. The weight gain, anxiety, loss of nuturing feelings, withdrawal from social life, lack of motivation and feelings of hopelessness are all classic menopausal symptoms. Just a thought before you go back on your AD's, it might be worth exploring this with your GP.

@Rina66 I am 100% sure you're right! But I am also sure that these are my true feeling surfacing as a result of peri menopause rather that being caused by it IYSWIM.

Do doctors do anything about peri menopause?

The greatest antidepressant you will ever take is leaving that man.

💐 I hope you get out soon OP. Hidden resentments are incredibly bad for your physical and emotional well-being.

leaving will never be easy but I'd bet my house you wouldn't regret it in these circumstances.

best wishes to you.

I disagree with what all PP are saying. On MN it seems the only response to every problem is “leave your husband” no matter what the issue. Obviously I don’t know your situation and can only try to Interpret what you’ve written. It seems like your depressed and that’s what’s affecting your relationship with DH and DC. From personal experience when I’ve gone through low points I’ve isolated myself from seeing friends and put on a lot of weight and because of that I felt like I needed to direct my anger at someone and that happened to be my OH.