Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

mature couple moving in together - too early right?

90 replies

onesize · 03/05/2022 09:27

I met a lovely man 2m ago. We really get on v well and I like him. Unfortunately he has not got a job. He has been out of work for 2 years and initially I thought he early retired (50) but he says he took a break and now he is looking to return to work. He has a house and lives there with 2 adult children. I am 38 and live in a comfortable 2 bed, v good job and happy with my arrangement. He recently asked me to move in with him which I must admit was overwhelming. I am used to my own space and can not see myself going from comfortable 2 bed apartment to a house with 3 adult men. His children are very messy. Also we have a very different view on home deco so I would not feel at home there at all. I politely refused saying that perhaps one day but truly I do not think I could live there. I am happy when he visits me but I do not like going over there. I feel a bit too early to ask me to move in and also why would he think I'd like that if he saw my comfortable apartment and what I like?

OP posts:
StageRage · 03/05/2022 10:30

It isn’t a ‘bit too early’ it is 2 years too early, a missing job (his) too early… and the rest.

Why do you even feel the need to ask?

And watch out for him moving into yours by stealth.

Octomore · 03/05/2022 10:32

Clymene · 03/05/2022 09:55

No one in their right mind 'takes a break' from work at 50. He's a work shy lazy sod who is looking for a cleaner who provides sex.

Bin him off.

I'm not sure this is fair. I know plenty of people in their 40s and 50s who have chosen to take a year or so out from work, to travel or just to have a break. It's not that unusual, and if someone can afford to do it - why not?

However, this guy is clearly a chancer if he wants the OP to move in after just 2 months.

HollowTalk · 03/05/2022 10:34

Why on earth would you consider this for a nano second? I'd dump him based on the fact he'd had two years off work, tbh. I'd also dump him based on the state of his house, given he doesn't work. You can do so much better than this, OP.

Igmum · 03/05/2022 10:38

Another vote for run. Just run. He is desperate to be a cock lodger and sounds like he comes complete with two cock lodgers in training. There is nothing about this that is good for you.

Cantthinkofanewusername · 03/05/2022 10:43

He's a lovebomber who can see you as a good option to become his (and his sons) cook/maid. Dont fall for it.
Presumably he'd lose any UC/benefits if you moved in so you'd also be asked to pay the shortfall for his utility bills.
Keep your financial independence and own space and beware him moving in yours by stealth. He needs to get a job. Just no.

Patienceisntvirtuous · 03/05/2022 11:09

Igmum · 03/05/2022 10:38

Another vote for run. Just run. He is desperate to be a cock lodger and sounds like he comes complete with two cock lodgers in training. There is nothing about this that is good for you.

Two cocklodgers in training Grin

Sorry OP, I do agree with pps but this really really made me laugh.

I'm in a not-too dissimilar situation myself unfortunately.

Are you sure he's telling the truth about his financial/job situation? Do you have any 'mutuals'?

Clymene · 03/05/2022 11:18

Hmm @Octomore I can see how it could be a thing if you go travelling or learn a new skill or something constructive.

He's just sitting on his arse in his messy house though in a middle aged version of men behaving badly

layladomino · 03/05/2022 12:00

Moving in with someone after only 2 months would be a really bad move and high risk, even if you were both in the same work / financial position.

But throw in the fact he doesn't work, his home is a mess (which you would end up cleaning and tidying to stay sane), his adult children live there.... what possible benefit would there be to you??

There is an almost 100% chance you would regret the decision, then either end up living with it, or leaving and the upset that causes, and in the meantime being financially worse off.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 03/05/2022 12:25

If he was a decent man, he wouldn't even be thinking of this, let alone asking you
He's lazy,broke and workshy.. and is hoping you'll be his personal maid and cashpoint Just no

fuckoffImcounting · 03/05/2022 16:31

A cocklodger with two cocklodger lads. Get rid OP you have a good life without this git and his gitlings.

LadyJGrey · 03/05/2022 16:39

2 months? You barely know each other.
Given his situation I wouldn’t consider it after 2 years though.
No bloody way.

SpiderVersed · 03/05/2022 16:47

More red flags than China! Don’t consider it for a moment.

Fireflygal · 03/05/2022 16:54

Is his Ex on the scene?

So many red flags...why would you entertain this for a minute?

EverNapping · 03/05/2022 16:56

And don't whatever you do let him move in with you.

hellcatspanglelalala · 03/05/2022 17:21

Don't even think about it. It's clear he wants a new housekeeper to look after him and his two feckless sons.

ChiswickFlo · 03/05/2022 17:27

No no no no no

AlloftheTime · 03/05/2022 17:27

Much too soon

NewandNotImproved · 03/05/2022 17:33

He must think you’re incredibly stupid to fall for this shit. Where on earth did you locate this unemployed 50yr old? 😂
2 months of dating means you’ve known him for a matter of hours, so it’s beyond ridiculous that moving in is even an idea. Do not give up your home or financial security for a dodgy boyfriend (or any boyfriend at all).

Consider setting better standards in life.

Mirrorball2022 · 03/05/2022 17:36

erm no that’s way too soon and dubious.

If he is looking to go back to work, does he actively have interviews? Does he have a career he can go back to/vocation? Yes people have career breaks and the pandemic led to some being unemployed but some places are crying out for staff.

Does he claim benefits because he would have to attend appointments/training etc. Or is he living on savings that are now running low…..
Do his sons work, ready to move out?

I would be very wary of his intentions from now. Keep dating if your having fun but do question yourself a little about the future.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 03/05/2022 17:39

He's looking for a sexual housekeeper OP - run, don't walk !!

Maurepas · 03/05/2022 17:39

NB - 38 is NOT mature - quite young in fact! You're just a spring chicken!

NewandNotImproved · 03/05/2022 17:39

Also, he does not ‘think you would like’ his slob house, he wants you to clean up after him and his offspring, and thinks you’d be stupid enough to do that after a few days of dating 😄 are you not insulted?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/05/2022 17:44

He wants a live in maid and cash cow

Exactly this

Tot up an account of how much your services will cost, hand it to him and watch him run - or better still, just run yourself

Octomore · 03/05/2022 17:54
  • No job. Says he wants to work, but doesn't sound like he's making any moves to make this happen.
  • Tries to show off about money.
  • Very messy house that you don't even like visiting.
  • Wants you to move in despite it being obviously far too early.
^^ All these are very bad signs. His children being messy is no excuse - most people would make them tidy up after themselves rather than just living in squalor.
wiiinoforever · 03/05/2022 18:09

For starters, you're not part of a 'mature couple'. You're only 38 for god sake!!!

And secondly I will reiterate what everyone else has said on this post. Do not move in with him! It's weird that he even suggested it and it should give you a few red flag signals. I feel like it already has as you say you felt overwhelmed.